Beauty of the Forbidden - 10 (2/2)/? - Jonghyun x Kibum
Title: Beauty of the Forbidden
Paring: Jonghyun/Kibum, Jonghyun/Jessica
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17 (PG-13)
Genre: AU, romance, angst, smut
Chapter: Chapter 10, part two: A Friend
Warnings: Some chapters will be rated NC-17
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine except from the plot.
Beta: kpoppets
Summary: Jonghyun is bored, Kibum is curious and lust is sinful
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Beauty of the Forbidden
Chapter 10, part two: A friend
Things suddenly made sense now. God, he was such an asshole, such a jerk, such a disgusting little... fucker! The face Kibum had when opened his door, his eyes, the way he had acted... How the fuck had Jonghyun not seen that?
He was driving too fast, fast enough to get in trouble if the wrong people saw him, but he didn't care. After all, dying in a car crash was something he probably deserved. When stopping for a red light he reached out for his cellphone and searched for Kibum's number. No one answered, but Jonghyun wouldn't give in that easily. He called again.
“Hello?”
Kibum's voice sounded so different. It wasn't a voice that belonged to someone as strong and cocky as Kibum. Jonghyun felt as if his heart had just gotten a hard, brutal squeeze.
“Kibum?” he said, hesitation and caution obvious in his voice. Kibum didn't say anything. “I heard about your grandmother.”
He kind of expected Kibum to say something, but what was he supposed to say? Jonghyun wanted to apologize. He wanted to explain what had happened - what was there to explain? - but when he opened his mouth to speak he felt as if everything he wanted to say escaped all at once; leaving him like a stuttering child who was desperately trying to fix something he just broke.
“I'm sorry,” he said. “Really, I'm so sorry. Yesterday... Shit, I'm so sorry, Kibum, I didn't know. God, I'm so stupid. I'm on my way there, alright?.”
He could hear Kibum clear his throat before speaking. “Okay,” was all he said which made Jonghyun hated himself even more.
“I don't know what to say. I'm such a jerk. I didn't mean to-”
“Am I,” Kibum interrupted him and had to clear his throat once again to get a hold of his voice, “am I just a fuck to you?”
Kibum's words took Jonghyun off guard. On top of that, some asshole behind him hoot his horn because Jonghyun had missed the red light had witched to a green light. Jonghyun cursed under his breath, but stayed focused on Kibum.
“What? Of course n-”
“If I am, then fine,” Kibum said, before Jonghyun would have time to spit out casual, dishonest words of console without real value, “but I don't need that right now. I need a friend. If I can't find that in you then tell me now so I know I shouldn't bother you when I need someone to talk to.”
This time Jonghyun wasn't too quick to answer.
“You can talk to me, Kibum. That's why I'm so sorry,” he finally said after a few couple of seconds in silence. “You are my friend, of course you can talk to me.”
Kibum didn't say anything and the fact that he was so passive was turning Jonghyun into a desperate, self-hating mess. He had no idea what Kibum was thinking or if he even believed was Jonghyun was saying. He couldn't blame Kibum if he indeed didn't believe a single word that was coming from Jonghyun's mouth.
“Okay,” Kibum said again before hanging up the phone.
Jonghyun wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean, but he decided instead of calling back he would just hurry up to Kibum's apartment
* * *
He had been sitting in his car for almost ten minutes now. Kibum's apartment was straight in front of him, but before going there Jonghyun decided to think of a way to a apologize properly. His attempt to do that over the phone had been a complete disaster. Kibum had been humiliated and let down. He hadn't been asking for sex when he knocked on Jonghyun's door, but just a friend and Jonghyun hadn't even offered him that. He had just thrown him out, at the moment not seeing why that would be such a big deal, just because he wanted to get laid. And all Jonghyun could think of giving him now was a ridiculous I'm sorry. Jonghyun wasn't stupid enough to think that would be enough.
After almost fifteen minutes Jonghyun finally got an idea. He remembered Kibum wanting him to stay over the night a couple of days ago and Jonghyun realized that was the least he could do for the other. He reached for his phone again.
“Hello?” a deep voice said after a few rings.
If Jonghyun was going to make this happen he would need some help. People his age simply didn't have sleepovers any more.
“Minho-yah, it's Jonghyun. I need to ask you for a favour.”
Of course it sounded weird and ridiculously suspicious when Jonghyun asked Minho to call Jessica and ask for him. He wouldn't be there so Minho would tell Jessica to leave Jonghyun a message, to tell him that he was invited to Taemin's birthday party (because Jessica didn't know Taemin). Minho and Taemin lived together, a few miles away from Seoul which was far enough for Jonghyun to not be able to drive home the same night. Besides, birthday parties at this age didn't mean balloons and cake, but alcohol and getting drunk.
“Uh...” Minho said stupidly and Jonghyun completely understood him. “Why?”
“That's not important.”
“Well, I want to know what I'm helping you with.”
Jonghyun saw that coming and he had decided he would try to lie his way out of this. If it didn't work out he'll just have to tell Minho the truth, because he knew Minho wouldn't help him without an explanation.
“It's a...” too bad Jonghyun didn't come up with the lie before he would call, “a surprise. For Jessica.”
“But you won't be staying here, where will you be staying?”
God, this guy. Why would he question him so much? He wasn't asking Minho to go and save the world in his name, he had just asked him to make a simple phone call.
“Are you cheating?”
Jonghyun should have seen that coming. He had hoped Minho would be as dense as he himself was, but of course he wasn't that lucky. His silence to Minho's question was a clear answer.
“Hyung, are you serious? Do you realize what you're doing?”
Jonghyun frowned. He had asked for some help, not a lecture.
“I take that as a no.”
“It is a no.”
How ridiculous. Fucking bastard, acting as if he was Mr. Perfect and hadn't ever done anything that would be considered as “wrong”. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone, huh? Who was he to judge him? What a hypocrite. People aren't perfect, what the heck did he expect?
“Whatever, bye,” Jonghyun said and hung up. But when he seconds later heard his phone vibrate and Minho's name showing on his screen, he smirked. Ha ha, sucker!
“Care to at least explain?” Minho suggested.
“It's nothing serious.”
“Who is it?”
How was that even relevant? It wasn't like Minho knew Kibum anyway.
“Just a random guy. It's just for one night. Please?”
Minho and Jonghyun were childhood friends. Helping each other out wasn't something from another universe; whenever one would have a problem the other would be the first one to lend a helping hand. However, this was the oddest - not to mention most morally inept - favour Jonghyun had ever asked. But hey, Minho had known Jonghyun since they were toddlers, of course he had to take his side. Minho and Jessica barely knew each other!
“A guy?” Minho asked, his voice sounding surprised. He knew Jonghyun switched both ways, but it was a long time ago since the elder last was hooked up with a guy. “Does this guy know about Jessica noona?”
Jonghyun laughed. “Of course he knows. I told you, it's nothing serious. It's not like I'm giving him false hopes or anything. You can't actually call that cheating, can you? I'm just trying to enjoy life while I still can.”
He could hear he needed to be a lot more convincing to make Minho at least consider helping him.
“Yes you can call that cheating because it is cheating. What if Jessica noona finds out?”
“This won't last long enough for her to find out.”
When Minho took his time to say something, Jonghyun rolled his eyes. Come on, it was just one favour, one goddamn phone call that would take less that five minutes of Minho's time.
“Hyung, this is so cruel. It's wrong, you aren't like this. People are going to suffer. Jessica noona, yourself and maybe even the other guy. You can't just play around with people's feel-”
Jonghyun laughed again, this time louder. “I just told you I'm not lying to him and Jessica doesn't even know. No one's getting hurt, I don't know why you're being so dramatic.”
He couldn't believe he had to beg for Minho to help me. He was supposed to be his friend. Jonghyun was Minho's hyung, for crying out loud!
“Minho, please. Is it really that wrong that I'm trying to enjoy myself a little? You know I would never do something if I knew it would hurt someone I care about. Don't you think I deserve to do something that I, and not my dad, want?”
Minho knew he had done his best in trying to talk some sense in his hyung and no matter what he said he knew Jonghyun wouldn't listen. If Minho said no then Jonghyun would figure out another way to get what he wanted. Hating to admit it, Minho knew that words sometimes words weren't enough. Sometimes you simply had to learn the hard way.
When Jonghyun heard Minho's defeated sigh he knew he had won. He smiled widely.
“Don't ever ask me for something like this again,” Minho warned.
* * *
“I thought you changed you mind,” Kibum said, his voice hoarse and his eyes puffy. “It took quite a while.”
He was dressed in gray sweat pants, and a slightly over-sized pink hoodie. When he walked he dragged his feet behind him as if he didn't even have the energy to walk properly. Jonghyun didn't waste any time in pulling the other into his embrace, taking Kibum off guard as his arms pulled him close to his chest. He could feel Kibum's body shaking.
“I'm not gonna tell anyone you cried,” he whispered and Kibum's mask immediately dropped. He started crying to the point where he couldn't even breathe, grabbing a first full of Jonghyun's shirt, holding onto him for dear life. Incoherent words left his lips and got cut in half by his sobs and his body started to shake so much that Jonghyun was scared he would collapse.
After a while Jonghyun's arms started to hurt, but he stayed silent and patiently waited for Kibum to calm down. When he did - when all his angst that had built up finally managed to leave his body - Kibum quickly made his way to the bathroom. He wasn't gonna allow Jonghyun - or anyone else for that matter - to see him like this, face covered in tears and sweat, nose running.
The smile Kibum gave him when Jonghyun asked if he could stay over the night made Jonghyun's heart dance happily in success and satisfaction. It was a tired and tiny smile, but still genuine.
* * *
“She's pretty,” Kibum suddenly said, eyes looking down at the fingers the was playing with. It took Jonghyun a while to know who he was talking about. “Not all Korean girls look good in blonde.”
Instead of answering Jonghyun cupped Kibum's chin, guiding the younger one's lips to his own. They were sitting in Kibum's small couch; Jonghyun's right arm around Kibum's shoulder and one of Kibum's legs resting on Jonghyun's leg. Moments passed in silence after they broke the kiss and Jonghyun wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not. Perhaps Kibum didn't feel like talking much, but prefered staying quiet now that his mind was filled with nothing but sadness. It was hard knowing, Jonghyun had never lost someone dear to him. He wasn't sure of what to do.
“You have nice hands,” Kibum suddenly pointed out, his own fingers running over Jonghyun's palm; head resting against the other's shoulder. Jonghyun's hand jerked a little at the ticklish feeling.
“Your hands are nicer,” he replied.
Kibum stopped playing with Jonghyun's fingers, and stretched his arms out, his fingers widely spread, to take a good look at his own hands.
“You're right,” he said after a few seconds of study. “My hands are nicer.”
Jonghyun just chuckled. He couldn't stop himself from taking Kibum's face in his hands and kiss him again.
* * *
Jonghyun left for a few minutes to drive home and get his things. When he got there, Jessica told him about the unexpected phone call. For a split second he felt a pain in his chest as he kissed her goodbye, Jessica whispering between their mouths “drive safely and don't drink too much” with a teasing giggle. But he knew the pain would grow even bigger if he wasn't with Kibum tonight. Kibum needed him a lot more than Jessica did.
* * *
They cooked dinner together in Kibum's cosy kitchen; Jonghyun loving the way Kibum would laugh at his lack of cooking skills. Jonghyun was, to put it simple, a terrible cook and Kibum didn't show any mercy when pointing it out, “I'm never, ever, ever, letting you be alone in my kitchen”. It didn't matter though, because the fact that Kibum at least smiled, at least could still laugh, made Jonghyun's heart pick up a slightly faster pace.
Every now and then Kibum would suddenly go silent, his smile would fade and he would swallow hard. He would look emptily at whatever was in front of him, as if he for a second left the world and wasn't paying any attention to his surroundings. Jonghyun didn't say anything about it, questions would be stupid and unnecessary, but instead did whatever he could to drag Kibum back to earth; a lame joke, a quick peck on the cheek, fingers caressing Kibum's arms.
Jinki stopped by while the two males were eating dinner. However, he didn't stay for long, just enough to be assured Kibum was being well taken care off. The way Jonghyun looked at him with lovingly eyes, hugged him, tried hard to keep a conversation going and make Kibum smile - Jinki knew he was leaving Kibum in good hands. Before leaving he gave Kibum a hug and told him he would sleep with his phone close to him in case Kibum would feel like calling.
With Jinki gone and the dishes washed, the two settled down on Kibum's couch, Kibum's lying down with his head on Jonghyun's lap. It was a little past 10 PM and a Korean movie was on, even though neither of them were paying any attention to it.
“You never got to meet her,” Kibum suddenly said. “Not Jinki hyung either.”
Jonghyun caressed Kibum's shoulder. “It doesn't matter. You're a strong and admirable human being, I know she's proud of you. And proud of herself for doing such a good job. You know that, right?” When recieving no reply other than a low sob, Jonghyun got a sudden feeling of wanting to protect Kibum from everything, from this horrible world filled with bad people and death. Someone like Kibum didn't deserve this. “Let's go to bed, alright?” he said in a low voice. “You need to get some rest.”
Jonghyun was sane enough to not do anything that would be sexually inviting. Kibum had asked for a friend and that's exactly what Jonghyun had tried to be - a friend. Kibum's head was resting Jonghyun's chest, his brown, silky hair tickling Jonghyun's collarbone and neck. He was already fast asleep. Jonghyun, however, wasn't. Even though he was tired he couldn't even bring himself to relax.
Jonghyun had told himself since day one he wouldn't lie to Kibum about anything, to not cause any misunderstandings about the relationship they had. But today he knew he had lied to Kibum. He had been lying when he told Kibum he could count on him, that he was Kibum's friends. Friends don't actually kiss or cuddle or sleep with their bodies tangled together in a single bed. Jonghyun was used to playing dumb alot of the time (sometimes he didn't even have to pretend, but actually was clueless), that way he didn't have to deal with troublesome situations. However, now he wasn't even going to try look the other way. This whole day, even if they didn't have sex, had been so much more than just friendly company.
Why was he sleeping in Kibum's bed? Why was he staying over? Just months ago Jonghyun would have never agreed to this, yet here he was. He had made Minho lie to Jessica so he could spend the night with his lover. Whatever happened to keeping his real life and Kibum apart, miles away from each other? It was too late to take a step back, Jonghyun knew that. The line Jonghyun had been so extremely careful not to cross had been gone for a long time, he had just refused to admit it.
He thought about his parents; how his father expected him to be a great success just like himself and his mother's smile whenever she would feel proud of her son. Even Jessica came to mind and for the first time ever since this whole thing started Jonghyun actually understood, actually felt, that this was wrong, so, so wrong.
This whole thing with Kibum was supposed to be nothing but a sex thing. Without sex - without the excitement - there was no point in being with Kibum at all. However, that exitment, the thrill about doing something like this was gone. Now Jonghyun didn't feel anything but guilt and he couldn't help but think of it as a sign that it was enough already. Everything was heading towards the wrong direction, it was all getting out of hand; the way Jonghyun had tried to ignore how Kibum had started to like him more and more for each day, the way Kibum was relying on him, the way Jonghyun was giving in... The way Kibum was taking up a dangerously big space in Jonghyun's life.
Jonghyun had wanted to take a break from the perfect life people expected him to live. He had already gotten what he wanted. He had done this for himself, he had done something that would shock people (and definitely freak out his parents) if they found out. Of course they never would, but the thought that Jonghyun finally had a skeleton in his closet was satisfying enough. His previous flawless life had finally gotten its flaw - Kibum - and that had been the point in all this. Now he was supposed to go back to his life - his real life - and live it without anyone ever finding out about this suspension.
Jonghyun shifted and gently pushed Kibum away so he was lying beside him. He moved to lie on his side, reaching his hand out to brush away the younger one's brown locks. It was dark in the room; the moon not being strong enough to let in any light through the window. But Jonghyun didn't need any light to know that Kibum was beautiful, that his eyes were peacefully closed and his pink lips slightly parted to breathe.
He knew that leaving right now - while Kibum was already going through a tough time - was cruel, close to heartless but Jonghyun couldn't wait. By waiting he would just make everything so much more difficult for himself, but mostly for Kibum. Now, while he still had the courage to leave he couldn't allow himself to get second thoughts. Kibum had other people to take care of him, Jonghyun knew he wouldn't be alone.
~ * ~
The next day Jonghyun left early, after breakfast and a shower. He was standing in the hall when Kibum approached him, still dressed in his over-sized sleeping shirt and underwear. He was smiling, happily remembering the thought of falling asleep with Jonghyun's arms around him.
Jonghyun gently took the younger male in his embrace, hugging him by his waist. He let his nose run over Kibum's exposed shoulder, his neck and up to his hair; eyes closing and his lungs taking a deep breath to keep Kibum's natural scent with him as long as possible. Hugging Kibum even tighter he moved his lips to kiss his forehead.
Never in his entire life had Jonghyun had never regretted something this much. He enjoyed spending time with Kibum more than he did with anyone else; their personalities, thoughts, everything about them seemed to work together so perfectly it was scary. If Jonghyun hadn't been so stupid, so greedy and careless... If Jonghyun hadn't been such a coward, maybe this could have taken a different direction.
He moved his hands from Kibum's waist to his face, his hands on each cheek as he gently, slowly pressed their lips together.
“Bye,” he whispered, lips still against Kibum's, and Kibum just rolled his eyes and chuckled at how weird Jonghyun acting.
“Bye,” Kibum replied and watched how Jonghyun pulled away and turned around before leaving and closing the door behind him; not knowing it would be the last time Jonghyun would come through that door.
part one | next
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A/N: Sorry for the late update! You got a long chapter as compensation~ ♥
Yesterday I saw one of the weirdest/freakies/lulziest movies I've seen in a long long time. It was called "One-eyed monster" and I dearly recommend you not to watch it. No seriously, don't watch it. I am, if anything, trying to protect you.