(no subject)
Ok I said I would update later so I am, now that I have a little time.
Today is my 1 year anniversary of the day I attempted suicide and was put in Mid-Mo hospital. May 17th, 2004. The day after my mom's birthday. I didn't even remember til my mom told me and asked me if I remembered. I told her I didn't. She said that's probably a good thing. She said that I've come a long way and she's very proud of me and she doesn't even know that girl who was her daughter a year ago and that I've done a complete turn-around. That made me feel really good, b/c I hated myself last year and so now... if I'm the opposite of what I was, I guess I like myself a little more. I'm more confident than I was last year. I still take medication and have two doctors, but I HAVE come along way, I haven't hurt myself in months. Which is why I'm going to start to rant a little, so be prepared.
*START OF RANT*
Ok... for those who are close to me know why I attempted suicide so I'm not gunna use the correct names but I'm going to replace names. So lets just call this girl Suzie. Suzie and me used to be best friends and then she turned on me and I attempted suicide. I spent two weeks in Mid-Mo and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm proud to say that I don't even know who I WAS back in the day and I don't want to.
But the problem is, even though it's been a full year since the whole ordeal, people are still continuing to find out from "Suzie". I know she's telling them b/c one of my friends who's a junior named "Lizzie" who I met this year used to be really close to me at the beginning of the year. She came to all the volleyball games and she was really awesome. Then "Suzie" joined "Lizzie's" church. and "Suzie" and "Lizzie" became friends... I think "Suzie" told "Lizzie" about me and my past and left herself out of it and now "Lizzie" doesn't even look at me, or say hi to me in the halls. That enrages me. It happened over a year ago. Why can't "Suzie" just let it go?? Why does she have to continue to attempt to destroy my new life that I've worked so hard to get and get more and more people to hate me? I mean, we're sophomores now, not stupid freshman still stuck in Junior High but yet "Suzie" continues to act like she's 12. It makes me so mad. I just want to move on from my past and forget it ever happened, but thanks to "Suzie", I can't do that.
Another thing that INFURIATES me is when people come up to me and are like, "I know the whole story about what happened between you and 'Suzie'." I'm like... NO YOU DON'T! All you know is "Suzie"'s side, not mine. All you know about is that one day and the days following. You don't know about all the torture, teasing, and cruelty that lead up to that day. You have no idea how "Suzie" treated me. What she said to me. What she said to others about me when we were supposively friends. You don't know. Oh and I'm sure that "Suzie" tells everyone what she did to me and that I was just depressed and confused. I'm sure that's how she put it alright.
People don't know. People tell me all the time, "Well you should hear her side of the story"
WHAT?? HER side of the story??? I was there! You weren't! You didn't even KNOW her last year. Don't tell me that I don't know her side of the story when I was the there. I don't give a crap about her side of the story. And don't tell me you know "the story", that "story" is part of my LIFE. It's part of who I am! it's like coming up to me and saying "I know about your life and the worst day of it". You have no idea how I felt, all you know is how "Suzie" felt and that she's such an innocent angel. I still can't believe she claims to be a christian, but that's another story. Even her friends hate me and there more civil to me than "Suzie" is. They smile at me or say hi to me in the hallways versus "Suzie" who just rolls her eyes and flips her hair like a 3rd grader. I don't see what people see in her and I don't see what "Suzie" can tell people that makes them be on HER side.
I just want to be left alone. I just want to move on with my life. but people like "Suzie" keeping wrapping a rope around my neck and dragging me back into the mud when I try to run away. and then they sit there and laugh at me struggle to get back on my feet. So if you wanna be "Suzie"'s friend and believe "her side of the story" and forget about me, good riddens. I don't need friends like you anyway. I hope "Suzie" treats you better than she treated me. I feel sorry for you actually, that you judge people by their past. That's pathetic.
**END OF RANT**
that's all I have to say for now cuz my fingers are cramping from typing. If you figure out my code names, please don't say them in the comments. Just use my code names if you have to say something. I don't wanna start shit, I just want to rant. thanx guys.
On a slightly happier note, tomorrow is an early release AND assembly day so our classes are only like 10-15 minutes long. I'm going out to eat with Troy, Ramone, Trent, Javi, Matt, and Rylan after school and then I'm going to hang out with Troy til night. I never see Troy, so that'll be good.
ok sorry this is such a bitchy entry....
Today is my 1 year anniversary of the day I attempted suicide and was put in Mid-Mo hospital. May 17th, 2004. The day after my mom's birthday. I didn't even remember til my mom told me and asked me if I remembered. I told her I didn't. She said that's probably a good thing. She said that I've come a long way and she's very proud of me and she doesn't even know that girl who was her daughter a year ago and that I've done a complete turn-around. That made me feel really good, b/c I hated myself last year and so now... if I'm the opposite of what I was, I guess I like myself a little more. I'm more confident than I was last year. I still take medication and have two doctors, but I HAVE come along way, I haven't hurt myself in months. Which is why I'm going to start to rant a little, so be prepared.
*START OF RANT*
Ok... for those who are close to me know why I attempted suicide so I'm not gunna use the correct names but I'm going to replace names. So lets just call this girl Suzie. Suzie and me used to be best friends and then she turned on me and I attempted suicide. I spent two weeks in Mid-Mo and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm proud to say that I don't even know who I WAS back in the day and I don't want to.
But the problem is, even though it's been a full year since the whole ordeal, people are still continuing to find out from "Suzie". I know she's telling them b/c one of my friends who's a junior named "Lizzie" who I met this year used to be really close to me at the beginning of the year. She came to all the volleyball games and she was really awesome. Then "Suzie" joined "Lizzie's" church. and "Suzie" and "Lizzie" became friends... I think "Suzie" told "Lizzie" about me and my past and left herself out of it and now "Lizzie" doesn't even look at me, or say hi to me in the halls. That enrages me. It happened over a year ago. Why can't "Suzie" just let it go?? Why does she have to continue to attempt to destroy my new life that I've worked so hard to get and get more and more people to hate me? I mean, we're sophomores now, not stupid freshman still stuck in Junior High but yet "Suzie" continues to act like she's 12. It makes me so mad. I just want to move on from my past and forget it ever happened, but thanks to "Suzie", I can't do that.
Another thing that INFURIATES me is when people come up to me and are like, "I know the whole story about what happened between you and 'Suzie'." I'm like... NO YOU DON'T! All you know is "Suzie"'s side, not mine. All you know about is that one day and the days following. You don't know about all the torture, teasing, and cruelty that lead up to that day. You have no idea how "Suzie" treated me. What she said to me. What she said to others about me when we were supposively friends. You don't know. Oh and I'm sure that "Suzie" tells everyone what she did to me and that I was just depressed and confused. I'm sure that's how she put it alright.
People don't know. People tell me all the time, "Well you should hear her side of the story"
WHAT?? HER side of the story??? I was there! You weren't! You didn't even KNOW her last year. Don't tell me that I don't know her side of the story when I was the there. I don't give a crap about her side of the story. And don't tell me you know "the story", that "story" is part of my LIFE. It's part of who I am! it's like coming up to me and saying "I know about your life and the worst day of it". You have no idea how I felt, all you know is how "Suzie" felt and that she's such an innocent angel. I still can't believe she claims to be a christian, but that's another story. Even her friends hate me and there more civil to me than "Suzie" is. They smile at me or say hi to me in the hallways versus "Suzie" who just rolls her eyes and flips her hair like a 3rd grader. I don't see what people see in her and I don't see what "Suzie" can tell people that makes them be on HER side.
I just want to be left alone. I just want to move on with my life. but people like "Suzie" keeping wrapping a rope around my neck and dragging me back into the mud when I try to run away. and then they sit there and laugh at me struggle to get back on my feet. So if you wanna be "Suzie"'s friend and believe "her side of the story" and forget about me, good riddens. I don't need friends like you anyway. I hope "Suzie" treats you better than she treated me. I feel sorry for you actually, that you judge people by their past. That's pathetic.
**END OF RANT**
that's all I have to say for now cuz my fingers are cramping from typing. If you figure out my code names, please don't say them in the comments. Just use my code names if you have to say something. I don't wanna start shit, I just want to rant. thanx guys.
On a slightly happier note, tomorrow is an early release AND assembly day so our classes are only like 10-15 minutes long. I'm going out to eat with Troy, Ramone, Trent, Javi, Matt, and Rylan after school and then I'm going to hang out with Troy til night. I never see Troy, so that'll be good.
ok sorry this is such a bitchy entry....