do do di too
--thought
I figure that if I were to settle down somewhere on Earth as I approach the end of my stay here.. I might possibly be an old man. Interesting thought, I thought. I have never let ideas of old age or educational plans get stuck in my head too long, but I've only just begun to question why I avoid concentrating on my future. Future as in anything can happen, tomorrow but then next week and two years from then. In the last few days I have started getting nervous about a feeling that there is some gargantuan mass of undefined pressure locking onto me.
*You are going to have to get inside my head for a second:
I just picture a heavy, watery..amoeba floating above my head. It has a definite complexion of its own, a feeling or attitude of fixed place there, with me.. like it knows me in a daunting, private way. There's a sensation like eyes burning in the back of my head so I drop my head back and I vaguely recognize it. I don't know what it is or why all of a sudden it is directly on top of me but feeling as if I knew it was there all along.
Confused, I pull my neck up and all around me is a shadow. My throat dries out and a fierce bolt of charged, excruciating tension strikes and swells in my chest. I don't even try to move because I don't know how - like I don't even have limbs but only phantom limb syndrome.
That scenario has been flashing in the front of my mind and it splits my thoughts into different directions. First thought - of course - WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME and WHY am I have ridiculous daydreams that I am taking seriously?!
But in the spirit of learning more about myself I decided to just see where my mind led me and I think I need some help on it:
Speaking in terms of societal expectations I don't know if I Do or I should feel that my metaphysical "amoeba ghost" is simply my sign to either ignore the pressure and be consumed by it or acknowledge it and start facing my obvious fear of growing up.
First of all:
I have never thought about growing up, in a serious way. So I can't say if I am afraid of it or if I need to think for myself and understand that it is just my nature to roll with the punches. But it does worry me now that I have thought about it.. Am I avoiding something that "every man has to face" or am I just going my own way? And if I am going my own way then is my ghost pressuring me to find out what I want?
Living on your own path to fulfillment and going through the day by dealing with it challenge by challenge is no worse than making a plan and fighting for it. It leaves more room to enjoy the tiny, beautiful things in life. But the question is could I do both? Could I actually make a plan and then include working my way through it into my every day? And is now the time to try? I have 4 jobs, and a lot going on so maybe I need to wait a little longer to think about this. But I have been putting it off for a couple years, it made sense to not go to college right after high school and I still think it was the right choice. But when and where do I start finding what I want?
I have only gotten so far in answering these questions:
.I don't think it is crazy for me to have a ghost in my head. All I know is that it brought up all of these questions that worry me and regardless of it's actual purpose ...or existence.. it has interrupted my routine for a reason.
.I know that I would prefer to simply choose my own way, like I always have. But with my current situation what it is there is no proof that it has ever worked for me. Maybe resorting to a more organized life plan would force me to really figure out what I want and lead me to actually doing something about it.
.Maine does not give me the field of opportunity that I know I can find elsewhere, and I am thinking about doing something I know that I want to try without a doubt so I will open my mind to go anywhere.. it's just a matter of figuring out what I'm looking for. Maybe a school, or an international program...
I need help.
I feel like an old Indian woman that always waves her arms and mumbles. With lots of beads.
Why can't you just google "What do I want?"
EVERYONE I KNOW
-student-
DAVID F. CHAPMAN
-aspiring ... gypsy?-
I figure that if I were to settle down somewhere on Earth as I approach the end of my stay here.. I might possibly be an old man. Interesting thought, I thought. I have never let ideas of old age or educational plans get stuck in my head too long, but I've only just begun to question why I avoid concentrating on my future. Future as in anything can happen, tomorrow but then next week and two years from then. In the last few days I have started getting nervous about a feeling that there is some gargantuan mass of undefined pressure locking onto me.
*You are going to have to get inside my head for a second:
I just picture a heavy, watery..amoeba floating above my head. It has a definite complexion of its own, a feeling or attitude of fixed place there, with me.. like it knows me in a daunting, private way. There's a sensation like eyes burning in the back of my head so I drop my head back and I vaguely recognize it. I don't know what it is or why all of a sudden it is directly on top of me but feeling as if I knew it was there all along.
Confused, I pull my neck up and all around me is a shadow. My throat dries out and a fierce bolt of charged, excruciating tension strikes and swells in my chest. I don't even try to move because I don't know how - like I don't even have limbs but only phantom limb syndrome.
That scenario has been flashing in the front of my mind and it splits my thoughts into different directions. First thought - of course - WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME and WHY am I have ridiculous daydreams that I am taking seriously?!
But in the spirit of learning more about myself I decided to just see where my mind led me and I think I need some help on it:
Speaking in terms of societal expectations I don't know if I Do or I should feel that my metaphysical "amoeba ghost" is simply my sign to either ignore the pressure and be consumed by it or acknowledge it and start facing my obvious fear of growing up.
First of all:
I have never thought about growing up, in a serious way. So I can't say if I am afraid of it or if I need to think for myself and understand that it is just my nature to roll with the punches. But it does worry me now that I have thought about it.. Am I avoiding something that "every man has to face" or am I just going my own way? And if I am going my own way then is my ghost pressuring me to find out what I want?
Living on your own path to fulfillment and going through the day by dealing with it challenge by challenge is no worse than making a plan and fighting for it. It leaves more room to enjoy the tiny, beautiful things in life. But the question is could I do both? Could I actually make a plan and then include working my way through it into my every day? And is now the time to try? I have 4 jobs, and a lot going on so maybe I need to wait a little longer to think about this. But I have been putting it off for a couple years, it made sense to not go to college right after high school and I still think it was the right choice. But when and where do I start finding what I want?
I have only gotten so far in answering these questions:
.I don't think it is crazy for me to have a ghost in my head. All I know is that it brought up all of these questions that worry me and regardless of it's actual purpose ...or existence.. it has interrupted my routine for a reason.
.I know that I would prefer to simply choose my own way, like I always have. But with my current situation what it is there is no proof that it has ever worked for me. Maybe resorting to a more organized life plan would force me to really figure out what I want and lead me to actually doing something about it.
.Maine does not give me the field of opportunity that I know I can find elsewhere, and I am thinking about doing something I know that I want to try without a doubt so I will open my mind to go anywhere.. it's just a matter of figuring out what I'm looking for. Maybe a school, or an international program...
I need help.
I feel like an old Indian woman that always waves her arms and mumbles. With lots of beads.
Why can't you just google "What do I want?"
EVERYONE I KNOW
-student-
DAVID F. CHAPMAN
-aspiring ... gypsy?-