For mayfield_rpg
[OOC: This entry is for an OC interpretation of the mythological Gilgamesh. First two entries are his silly mode, third is his serious mode, and the last three are his heroic mode.]
1. Phone; unfiltered
[Gilgamesh had a problem. Namely, he needed money. Back in his home universe, this meant he would dig around in his closet or his pockets, both of which had the blessing of unlimited closet space (the perks of getting a divine baby shower), and either find some reserve of cash or something he could pawn for quick expenditures. Unfortunately, he had neither his closet nor his closet space here. As such, he found himself scrawling down ideas about how he could earn some cash.]
[A couple minutes later, everyone who picks up the phone will hear his eager voice over the line.]
Does anyone know where I can find an Irish guy to dress as a priest?
2. Front yard
[Gilgamesh is standing outside his house, dressed in his best suit and holding an egg whisk. He paces back and forth as he speaks in a loud, confident tone and occasionally turns to aim the egg whisk at his “listeners.”]
Men, today, I ask you to do something that no man or ornament has ever done before; go somewhere that no men or ornament has gone before. You are the best and bravest of your generation, so I expect very much from you! I expect courage, integrity, dedication, intelligence, a sense of fun, loyalty, and FUN! I hope that by the end of our mission, I will have the pleasure of saying “It has been an honor working with you!” No, I know that I will have the pleasure of saying that to all of you who are still alive by the end, even if it is just one or two of you. That’s right-some of you may die, but even so, it’s worth it because years later, when your grandsons are crawling up on your knee asking what grandpappy did back now, you’ll be able to tell them something other than “I was shoveling shit in Louisiana.” Now, move out, my brave soldiers!
[He stands back, as if expecting a standing ovation from the garden gnomes of all shapes and colors lined up in straight rows on his lawn.]
3. Phone
[After a week’s worth of work, the beer was finally done. Sure, it had been made with some less-than-ideal ingredients (moldy bread from the back of the pantry, tea from tea bags, and whatever he could find in the spice rack), but he is sure that it cannot be too bad.]
[He scoops some up in a cup and takes a deep drink. As expected, the flavor is…original, but satisfactory. He pours more of the beer and continues chugging it down. After a couple drinks, he decides to see what it would taste like mixed with milk. Therefore, pulling the milk that he had gotten from his doorstep out of the fridge, he mixes it into his homemade beer and starts drinking the concoction.]
[Needless to say, within the hour, he is very far removed from his usual state of mind.]
[In his intoxicated state, he reaches toward the phone and dials a random number. He does not care whose it is. He only knows that he wants to speak to someone.]
Ya know, why do people call me the King of Heroes? I mean, heroes and kings are the exact opposite of each other. Heroes are good. Honest, protect people, honorable, loving...but not kings. Have you seen some of the things that kings are expected to do? Yeah, sure, they talk of honor and justice and all that crap and act the parts of goody-goods, but admit it-has any king in the entire course of history actually been good? And I mean truly good. Honest, superhero, apple-pie-eating good.
[He pauses for a moment.]
OF COURSE NOT! Look at Elizabeth I-good Queen, right? Hired pirates to fuck with honest merchant ships just because they were Spanish. Emperor Taizong of China-one of the most enlightened monarch ever. Got his career start murdering his brothers and forcing his father to abdicate. Peter the Great-greatest of Russian monarchs, burned and starved his own people to win a war against Sweden. Sure, good things came out of these actions, but does that make them good actions?
[He doesn’t even wait for an answer.]
No. They’re not good actions no matter what you say. They’re just necessary actions. I did all that, and more. If I had a choice to go back, I’d choose to do it the exact same way all over again. And if I had to do something like that here? You bet I’d do it without batting an eyelash. I’ll be the first to admit it-back when I was king, I was an ass. But all kings were. And all kings, presidents, and rulers of anything besides a small community still are. We’re a ruthless bunch of assholes, but we’re only assholes so we can protect you.
[He takes a deep breath.]
So now we’ve settled on the matter of kings and heroes, tell me-why does everyone insist on calling me the King of Heroes even though that’s a logical fallacy in and of itself?
4. Action; All over town
[Gilgamesh sighs. He has a big problem-bigger than running out of money or being confronted by angry alien mothers who wanted him to give back their babies or even blowing up his living room. Said problem was that he was bored.]
[And to make it worse, this wasn’t the sort of boredom that could be resolved with a simple zany scheme. No, this was the other sort of boredom. The ennui that settles in alongside a mundane life that did not include massive, dramatic battles between good and evil. Specifically, Gilgamesh felt a familiar stirring in his heart calling him go out and seek not just adventure, but heroism. He wanted to help someone again; to slay monsters and defend the weak.]
[So now, Gilgamesh is wandering through the streets with a large paper sign hanging off his neck. It says “ Unemployed Epic Hero: Will Work for Free.” He is ready to take the requests of anyone who comes up to him as well as volunteer to help anyone who he sees with a problem.]
5. Park
[Gilgamesh is standing in the park, trying to find something or someone in need of his assistance.]
6. Bar
[The door to the bar flies open. Gilgamesh stomps into the establishment and points at the patrons.]
Are there any heroes ready to join me on a QUEST?
1. Phone; unfiltered
[Gilgamesh had a problem. Namely, he needed money. Back in his home universe, this meant he would dig around in his closet or his pockets, both of which had the blessing of unlimited closet space (the perks of getting a divine baby shower), and either find some reserve of cash or something he could pawn for quick expenditures. Unfortunately, he had neither his closet nor his closet space here. As such, he found himself scrawling down ideas about how he could earn some cash.]
[A couple minutes later, everyone who picks up the phone will hear his eager voice over the line.]
Does anyone know where I can find an Irish guy to dress as a priest?
2. Front yard
[Gilgamesh is standing outside his house, dressed in his best suit and holding an egg whisk. He paces back and forth as he speaks in a loud, confident tone and occasionally turns to aim the egg whisk at his “listeners.”]
Men, today, I ask you to do something that no man or ornament has ever done before; go somewhere that no men or ornament has gone before. You are the best and bravest of your generation, so I expect very much from you! I expect courage, integrity, dedication, intelligence, a sense of fun, loyalty, and FUN! I hope that by the end of our mission, I will have the pleasure of saying “It has been an honor working with you!” No, I know that I will have the pleasure of saying that to all of you who are still alive by the end, even if it is just one or two of you. That’s right-some of you may die, but even so, it’s worth it because years later, when your grandsons are crawling up on your knee asking what grandpappy did back now, you’ll be able to tell them something other than “I was shoveling shit in Louisiana.” Now, move out, my brave soldiers!
[He stands back, as if expecting a standing ovation from the garden gnomes of all shapes and colors lined up in straight rows on his lawn.]
3. Phone
[After a week’s worth of work, the beer was finally done. Sure, it had been made with some less-than-ideal ingredients (moldy bread from the back of the pantry, tea from tea bags, and whatever he could find in the spice rack), but he is sure that it cannot be too bad.]
[He scoops some up in a cup and takes a deep drink. As expected, the flavor is…original, but satisfactory. He pours more of the beer and continues chugging it down. After a couple drinks, he decides to see what it would taste like mixed with milk. Therefore, pulling the milk that he had gotten from his doorstep out of the fridge, he mixes it into his homemade beer and starts drinking the concoction.]
[Needless to say, within the hour, he is very far removed from his usual state of mind.]
[In his intoxicated state, he reaches toward the phone and dials a random number. He does not care whose it is. He only knows that he wants to speak to someone.]
Ya know, why do people call me the King of Heroes? I mean, heroes and kings are the exact opposite of each other. Heroes are good. Honest, protect people, honorable, loving...but not kings. Have you seen some of the things that kings are expected to do? Yeah, sure, they talk of honor and justice and all that crap and act the parts of goody-goods, but admit it-has any king in the entire course of history actually been good? And I mean truly good. Honest, superhero, apple-pie-eating good.
[He pauses for a moment.]
OF COURSE NOT! Look at Elizabeth I-good Queen, right? Hired pirates to fuck with honest merchant ships just because they were Spanish. Emperor Taizong of China-one of the most enlightened monarch ever. Got his career start murdering his brothers and forcing his father to abdicate. Peter the Great-greatest of Russian monarchs, burned and starved his own people to win a war against Sweden. Sure, good things came out of these actions, but does that make them good actions?
[He doesn’t even wait for an answer.]
No. They’re not good actions no matter what you say. They’re just necessary actions. I did all that, and more. If I had a choice to go back, I’d choose to do it the exact same way all over again. And if I had to do something like that here? You bet I’d do it without batting an eyelash. I’ll be the first to admit it-back when I was king, I was an ass. But all kings were. And all kings, presidents, and rulers of anything besides a small community still are. We’re a ruthless bunch of assholes, but we’re only assholes so we can protect you.
[He takes a deep breath.]
So now we’ve settled on the matter of kings and heroes, tell me-why does everyone insist on calling me the King of Heroes even though that’s a logical fallacy in and of itself?
4. Action; All over town
[Gilgamesh sighs. He has a big problem-bigger than running out of money or being confronted by angry alien mothers who wanted him to give back their babies or even blowing up his living room. Said problem was that he was bored.]
[And to make it worse, this wasn’t the sort of boredom that could be resolved with a simple zany scheme. No, this was the other sort of boredom. The ennui that settles in alongside a mundane life that did not include massive, dramatic battles between good and evil. Specifically, Gilgamesh felt a familiar stirring in his heart calling him go out and seek not just adventure, but heroism. He wanted to help someone again; to slay monsters and defend the weak.]
[So now, Gilgamesh is wandering through the streets with a large paper sign hanging off his neck. It says “ Unemployed Epic Hero: Will Work for Free.” He is ready to take the requests of anyone who comes up to him as well as volunteer to help anyone who he sees with a problem.]
5. Park
[Gilgamesh is standing in the park, trying to find something or someone in need of his assistance.]
6. Bar
[The door to the bar flies open. Gilgamesh stomps into the establishment and points at the patrons.]
Are there any heroes ready to join me on a QUEST?