Homeless for the Holidays
This will be the first entry that I have posted via phone. Already it's quite cumbersome.
I have never exactly had the most pleasant home life. I've never even called my father's house home, at least not for over a decade. It just never felt right to, you know? But I stayed there for so long purely out of necessity. Truth be told, I still could have used an extra month but I can't handle them and their erratic behavior. I've excised my father and his wife from my life, at least for the time being. Since he got remarried he's gotten more impatient and meaner, and she's a passive aggressive judgemental type with a higher class background. They're not bad people but I don't want those attitudes to play significant factor in my life. They're unhealthy for me.
So I left. No plan. No resources. No destination. I didn't say goodbye, didn't make a big dramatic scene. I just left. I've been homeless since Christmas Eve, and this is the first semi public announcement I've made about it. I say semi public because let's face it... who reads this blog?
I've been having an extremely bad run of luck since leaving. It feels that way anyway. I'm in kind of a dark place right now, but I'm programmed to refuse help, to fake like I'm independent or something. It's stupid, it's prideful, and something that I can't help. People will say they've got your back, that you always have a place to stay, but they never realize that it's only true for so long. Their well intentioned gestures can only really be maintained for a few days at most before they start losing that understanding and sympathy. So I keep moving. I don't stick around. It wouldn't be fair on them. It's not their fault that I'm in this situation.
I got a flat tire and cut open my hand while losing big on the lottery on Christmas Day. I overdrafted twice in one day somehow. I saved my friend's life by driving him to a hospital where they told him he was 8 to 10 hours from death. I've had to cancel 2 weeks worth of Game Dev meetings and music sessions. The new tires on my car definitely saved me from what would have been a certain death during a snowstorm. I think I get to keep my job. My brother has been helping me out while visiting from California. Kate is making my head spin again while she's here visiting from Guyana. I'm about to ask Chris the biggest favor of my life.
I'll be checking out a place in Manchester next Tuesday. I hope I can get it. Sleeping in my car is getting old.
Sometimes I think about getting a gun. Or finding a good bridge. The scary part is how casual and passive it is, like thinking about going into work or what groceries you need to pick up before you get home. It used to be every day. I guess I could be thankful that it's not anymore. Not like I ever had the balls to follow through with those thoughts anyway.
I went to the beach for New Years and recorded the waves.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
I have never exactly had the most pleasant home life. I've never even called my father's house home, at least not for over a decade. It just never felt right to, you know? But I stayed there for so long purely out of necessity. Truth be told, I still could have used an extra month but I can't handle them and their erratic behavior. I've excised my father and his wife from my life, at least for the time being. Since he got remarried he's gotten more impatient and meaner, and she's a passive aggressive judgemental type with a higher class background. They're not bad people but I don't want those attitudes to play significant factor in my life. They're unhealthy for me.
So I left. No plan. No resources. No destination. I didn't say goodbye, didn't make a big dramatic scene. I just left. I've been homeless since Christmas Eve, and this is the first semi public announcement I've made about it. I say semi public because let's face it... who reads this blog?
I've been having an extremely bad run of luck since leaving. It feels that way anyway. I'm in kind of a dark place right now, but I'm programmed to refuse help, to fake like I'm independent or something. It's stupid, it's prideful, and something that I can't help. People will say they've got your back, that you always have a place to stay, but they never realize that it's only true for so long. Their well intentioned gestures can only really be maintained for a few days at most before they start losing that understanding and sympathy. So I keep moving. I don't stick around. It wouldn't be fair on them. It's not their fault that I'm in this situation.
I got a flat tire and cut open my hand while losing big on the lottery on Christmas Day. I overdrafted twice in one day somehow. I saved my friend's life by driving him to a hospital where they told him he was 8 to 10 hours from death. I've had to cancel 2 weeks worth of Game Dev meetings and music sessions. The new tires on my car definitely saved me from what would have been a certain death during a snowstorm. I think I get to keep my job. My brother has been helping me out while visiting from California. Kate is making my head spin again while she's here visiting from Guyana. I'm about to ask Chris the biggest favor of my life.
I'll be checking out a place in Manchester next Tuesday. I hope I can get it. Sleeping in my car is getting old.
Sometimes I think about getting a gun. Or finding a good bridge. The scary part is how casual and passive it is, like thinking about going into work or what groceries you need to pick up before you get home. It used to be every day. I guess I could be thankful that it's not anymore. Not like I ever had the balls to follow through with those thoughts anyway.
I went to the beach for New Years and recorded the waves.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.