(no subject)

[tessticle]

I feel stupid for taking for granted the time I had left with my mom back when she could still be just that. I look at our family picture, taken when I was in 3rd grade, when she was still quite able to do things, like walk..with a little help from a cane. I took for granted then that she was going to end up the way she is now, that she would be miserable and lose hope that she'd ever regain her life back. I just thought that I had a mom, so what? Everyone does. But now, I want her back and I know that I can't ever have her back. Even if she's still here with us now, there is no way she will ever be that mom that I miss so dearly. I feel like the tables had turned when I wasn't ready for it, that I was her mother, or rather, a caretaker, yet I didn't know what to do. I was selfish and still wanted to enjoy my childhood- which I also miss extremely. I wasn't ready then, I still needed a mother myself..and I just brushed off the fact that she wasn't able to be one. I wish I could go back before all this happened to tell her how much I love her and thank her for making me the person I am today. I tell her that I love her now, but I feel like no matter how many times I say it it wont reach her. It's a stupid feeling because I know she loves us too.

... I don't know.

I think she's tired of what's been happening to her these 12 years. Esp. the last one. ..and I know she wants it to be the last.