1 september 1981
What am I doing even thinking I can
It's just a coincidence that my due date lands on Chris's birthday and there's no way I can
Nothing's managed to work for me, nothing, I don't know why I'm bringing a baby into it.
One mistake like this and now I'm outside of the League looking in, living on savings and charity, can't drink or smoke and I can't stop thinking about what Chris would be saying if he wasn't dead. I keep watching films alone like he'll show up if I do and of course I just end up crying because he never will.
Autumn went out with Dewi and it was nice to not have to deal with his shit for a while but it also meant I spent the night alone.
Guess I should get used to that but I've never been good at it.
"I would I might forget that I am I,
And break the heavy chain that binds me fast,
Whose links about myself my deeds have cast.
What in the body's tomb doth buried lie
Is boundless; 'tis the spirit of the sky,
Lord of the future, guardian of the past,
And soon must forth, to know his own at last.
In his large life to live, I fain would die.
Happy the dumb beast, hungering for food,
But calling not his suffering his own;
Blessed the angel, gazing on all good,
But knowing not he sits upon a throne;
Wretched the mortal, pondering his mood,
And doomed to know his aching heart alone."
-- George Santayana
never felt so alone or stupid or desperate and I know this is mostly the hormones.
One mistake and I knew what he was doing, but it doesn't matter because here I am now, right? Can't do anything about it so I might as well.
At least he hasn't said anything.
I think I'm going to spend the night at Mum's.
Tired. Spent today trying to sleep. It didn't really work.
Good luck to everyone this season.
Thanks, Autumn.