8 april 1981
I can't do this anymore but I don't know how to say no to him, not when he looks at me like I'm the only thing keeping him from losing it entirely but I can't keep this up, I'm the loosest bloody slag in England probably but even I can't keep up hatesex or nearly like this, I can't, I had to go to the fucking Healers yesterday because he hurt me so bad.
Do not harm my sore fucking arse.
I keep going out with Tori because she's the only one I know who can drink and drink and drink without any worries and then I go home and he shows up after his shift and I'm too drunk to care, I'm tired of drinking so I feel better about laying there because it's all my fault and that's the best I'll get from him or anyone else. I'm tired of it and I didn't answer my door today or go out at all after practice because I don't want to be a fuckdoll anymore.
I tried on my engagement ring again and found the one wedding catalogue I had left and it's never going to happen but it'd still be nice for someone to pretend like I'm more than a fucking twat to be rodgered and thrown out of the bed.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm taking a sex fast. It's getting boring. Tried all sorts of fucked-up shite, but I think I'm all shagged out, too bad. Besides, I ought to give all the other girls a chance, I've had some great blokes in my time, some not so great ones I will admit but the good ones, you know who you are.
Tutshill bores me, I just can't wait for Portree.