Forgiveness and Gratitude-Part 1
Miles is 19 months old, Brian is gainfully employed, and I hate my job every other day. I have a retirement contract to pay off by May, and then I'm outta there! There's a lot going on, and I didn't do very many Xmas cards this year, so no one's been updated. (It's not just you. hee) But that's not why I'm writing.
I need to get some things out in the open. I've been reading those books and watching those movies I usually make fun of other people for reading/watching. Postitive thinking stuff. I've always said they're too corny. But here I am, a fan of The Secret and Louise Hay. Well, heck, whatever it takes. And I've been feeling from a lot of different sources that I need to shed some baggage. So I'm going the public route.
First gratitude: Thank you, Universe/Powers that Be for this phenomenal child I have. There are no words in the two languages I know to express how thankful I am that Miles is part of my life. The way I react to him, how he has changed me, is inexplicable, but very real. I cannot and do not wish to imagine my life without him. The decision to have him was one of the smartest and most rewarding things I have ever done. (One of them...more of those later.)
Then forgiveness. Today's lucky recipient is Pat...
Dear Pat:
I cannot say how many times I have gone over in my head what I would say to you if we were to meet again. I have alternated between being over it, and having a lot of residual anger. But mostly, I'm over it. You see, I forgive you. What you did to me was wrong. A woman can say "no" at any point, and you are supposed to listen. The fact that you didn't speaks to a weakness in your character, one I see so clearly now in retrospect. You took what was given, and more that you shouldn't have, and it hurt me terribly. It took me many years of therapy, and many poor boyfriends who suffered because I had lost the ability to give of myself. I went along for ten years of my life before anyone named what you had done to me. And once that was done, things began to make sense. And I could start to heal and learn to forgive.
I believe that you were young. That we were young. And that you really had a bad image of women. You didn't know how to respect us or treat us at all. And because I had very little sense of self, it was perfect for you to take advantage of the situation. If I in any way held up or supported the negative image you had of women, I am sorry. I sometimes think it would have been better for you if I were as strong then as I am now. Maybe I could have stopped something; set better boundaries. But I wasn't. And for all the pain I endured, I wonder if I would have been catapulted into the strength I have today if I had not suffered so greatly. Because, you see, I can forgive you because I who I am today; what I've overcome to become. So you see, you haven't done me any lasting harm. I'm sure there could have been a kinder road for me to travel, but I didn't take that road, so it doesn't matter. I am who I am today because of my experiences and my reactions to them. And honestly, I'm pretty damn awesome.
So I do forgive you. And I know that you have suffered for what you did, not only to me, but to Tiffany. And yes, I believe every word she said. You will never convince me otherwise because I know what you were capable of. I hope that you have grown as much as I have, so that you have been able to leave your past behavior and attitudes in the past, but that is your concern. I hope you and Trudi are happy with your family, and that you have found a place where you feel you belong. I don't have space for you in my life, but I hold no more animosity towards you, and I wish you all the wonderful things this life has to offer. Be happy, Pat. And don't worry about me. I'm just fine.
I need to get some things out in the open. I've been reading those books and watching those movies I usually make fun of other people for reading/watching. Postitive thinking stuff. I've always said they're too corny. But here I am, a fan of The Secret and Louise Hay. Well, heck, whatever it takes. And I've been feeling from a lot of different sources that I need to shed some baggage. So I'm going the public route.
First gratitude: Thank you, Universe/Powers that Be for this phenomenal child I have. There are no words in the two languages I know to express how thankful I am that Miles is part of my life. The way I react to him, how he has changed me, is inexplicable, but very real. I cannot and do not wish to imagine my life without him. The decision to have him was one of the smartest and most rewarding things I have ever done. (One of them...more of those later.)
Then forgiveness. Today's lucky recipient is Pat...
Dear Pat:
I cannot say how many times I have gone over in my head what I would say to you if we were to meet again. I have alternated between being over it, and having a lot of residual anger. But mostly, I'm over it. You see, I forgive you. What you did to me was wrong. A woman can say "no" at any point, and you are supposed to listen. The fact that you didn't speaks to a weakness in your character, one I see so clearly now in retrospect. You took what was given, and more that you shouldn't have, and it hurt me terribly. It took me many years of therapy, and many poor boyfriends who suffered because I had lost the ability to give of myself. I went along for ten years of my life before anyone named what you had done to me. And once that was done, things began to make sense. And I could start to heal and learn to forgive.
I believe that you were young. That we were young. And that you really had a bad image of women. You didn't know how to respect us or treat us at all. And because I had very little sense of self, it was perfect for you to take advantage of the situation. If I in any way held up or supported the negative image you had of women, I am sorry. I sometimes think it would have been better for you if I were as strong then as I am now. Maybe I could have stopped something; set better boundaries. But I wasn't. And for all the pain I endured, I wonder if I would have been catapulted into the strength I have today if I had not suffered so greatly. Because, you see, I can forgive you because I who I am today; what I've overcome to become. So you see, you haven't done me any lasting harm. I'm sure there could have been a kinder road for me to travel, but I didn't take that road, so it doesn't matter. I am who I am today because of my experiences and my reactions to them. And honestly, I'm pretty damn awesome.
So I do forgive you. And I know that you have suffered for what you did, not only to me, but to Tiffany. And yes, I believe every word she said. You will never convince me otherwise because I know what you were capable of. I hope that you have grown as much as I have, so that you have been able to leave your past behavior and attitudes in the past, but that is your concern. I hope you and Trudi are happy with your family, and that you have found a place where you feel you belong. I don't have space for you in my life, but I hold no more animosity towards you, and I wish you all the wonderful things this life has to offer. Be happy, Pat. And don't worry about me. I'm just fine.