(no subject)
going to visit grandma as per my sunday ritual. i feel our time is running out. she's been living in a facility for about 6 months now, maybe longer, she has dementia and Alzheimers. it kills me to visit her, i get super emotional but i dont want her to see me like that, not like it would make half an impression anyway. she hardly knows who i am at this point. i sit around a listen to her say, dear lord take me home, take me home. i want that for her so bad. this week she was taken to the emergency room for extremely low blood pressure and because they just couldn't rouse her from bed. she's forgotten how to walk, how to use any of her muscles. i've had to pull her out of bed a few times and its really just like moving dead weight. the people shes surrounded by are totally nuts. i hate that place so much. she's my only grandparent left, and i wanted her to be around in my life longer than i know she will be. as hard as it is to go and see her every week i can't not go. i don't want to feel like i missed any opportunity to see her even if she doesnt make sense and talks about her dead sisters she had dinner with last night or calls me chrissy, reina, or doris.
but we persevere...
but we persevere...