THE WAY WE ARE (ch 22)
TITLE: The Way We Are
AUTHOR: Tessa
PAIRING: Orlando / Michael (OMC)
RATING: NC 17
WARNING: None but slash!
SUMMARY (story): Orlando meets Michael and is forced to re-evaluate who he really is - can he accept that, how far is he willing to go - and is he prepared to face the consequences?
SUMMARY (ch.): An obvious opportunity presents herself and Orlando decides to play along by Michael’s rules.
DISCLAIMER: This is all fiction, it’s my imagination - to the best of my knowledge it never happened.
FEEDBACK: Yes please. Let me know if you are following the story, say if you liked, say if you don’t - but be gentle, I’m fragile!
BETA: Idlesloth edited my stupid mistakes.
Chapter 22
Orlando was glad his character got to wear a watch as he looked at it for the hundredth time that afternoon. Surely they would finish any minute now? He was meeting Michael in less than two hours and wanted to go home and get ready without being too stressed.
They were meeting at a small bar before the concert. The bar was connected to an Italian restaurant and Orlando sort of assumed they would grab some food as well, though the eating part had not been mentioned. That would have implied that Michael was asking him for dinner and though Michael’s boundaries were moving he hadn’t quite reached that stage yet.
He looked around the set again. Something was up, they should be shooting now.
He sat down on some steps and tried to read the script in order to pass the time. He was actually pleased with how this movie was turning out and was even pretty satisfied with his own performance so far. He was also pretty pleased with his own discipline. Most days he actually managed to stay focused on the work and not think about Michael… much. When work wasn’t there to distract him, however, his thoughts automatically turned to Michael. At times he felt exactly like the love-sick teenager with raging hormones that Alex had praised him for not being. It really was ridiculous.
At night Orlando thought about him blatantly. He still felt a little ashamed but he was long past the point of pretending Michael wasn’t in his fantasies. In the past week they had unconsciously changed slightly and grown to include Michael’s finger. He recalled the startling feel of being stroked inside; the sensation was so vivid that even without the inward stimulation he almost felt himself opening to it. He stretched to allow Michael’s finger, stretched further till the finger was no longer enough. Once, Michael nearly replaced the unfulfilling strokes with his erection but Orlando had cried out in orgasm before the fantasy could evolve.
He watched the director coming towards him. He was scratching his head. That was never a good sign.
***
Orlando threw the cover violently to the side and turned to lie on his back instead. There was no chance of falling asleep and there was no point trying. He placed his forearm over his eyes hoping it would block out the empty darkness and stop his thoughts.
Tonight had started badly and then turned progressively worse.
Most of the day’s filming had been lost due to some technical problem so they had to stay and re-shoot many of the scenes. He had been forced to call Michael and cancel drinks and the possible dinner and just meet up later. He even missed pretty much the entire concert except for the last four songs. The 20 minutes at the concert, however, had been great. All his annoyance and tiredness disappeared the moment he saw Michael and was greeted with a heartwarming smile. They had chatted quietly and Michael had given his hand a secret squeeze under the table. It wasn’t till they moved on to the after party that the night really started going downhill.
***
Orlando had been chatting with a friend and former colleague and was just returning to where Michael was standing in conversation with Tim and a few others when he overheard the most annoying question.
“Do you know how Ethan did today in Hawaii?” Tim asked Michael. It was bad enough that Tim presumed Michael would know but it was even worth that he actually did.
”Yeah, he came third. Think he was pretty pleased with that,” Michael answered, then turned around and noticed Orlando. He smiled in greeting. Orlando smiled back and pretended he hadn’t heard their talk since he wasn’t sure how to react yet.
Michael clearly had something going on with someone else and it was more than just occasional sex as he had claimed. Ethan called Michael to talk about his day - exactly like Orlando wished he could. It didn’t seem very casual. Only, if Michael was in an actual relationship with Ethan, then why and how could he choose to be with Orlando last weekend when Ethan was in town? Orlando didn’t know what to think, but he did know that he couldn’t ignore it any more and that he would have to confront Michael with it again. He wouldn’t be a substitute for anyone and he wouldn’t be the second ‘boy-toy’ while Ethan was away. He was better than that and Michael had to appreciate that too. It wasn’t as if Orlando didn’t have any other options… And then one of those walked straight up to him.
Emily looked breathtakingly beautiful as she threw her hands around his neck and kissed his cheek in hello. He held her just a little longer than necessary before letting go so she could greet Michael. She was wearing a sleeveless red dress, showing just enough cleavage to spark the imagination without being vulgar and her blond hair had been curled and hung loosely on her shoulders. She would have stopped traffic and she certainly got the attention of the men standing around her now.
***
Orlando groaned and rolled out of bed. He didn’t usually get up after midnight to shower but suddenly he felt the need to wash off the smell of smoke and faint lingering perfume. He stepped under the hot water; let it run down his chest, wishing it could also wash away the images playing in his mind.
He had flirted with Emily and he had done it deliberately to get Michael’s attention. He wasn’t proud of himself now. It had been wrong on so many levels and it wasn’t like him to play with people’s feelings. He had told himself it was harmless. Had just leaned in a little closer, smiled slightly wider and briefly touched Emily’s hand or something when he felt that Michael was watching.
It had seemed like a good idea at the time.
He just played by Michael’s rules. If he was seeing Ethan then Orlando could also flirt with whoever he wanted. If it really was a game and people always wanted what they couldn’t have then Michael needed to know Orlando wasn’t a sure thing. So, he had decided to remind Michael that he wasn’t the only one who had a say in whether they were together… and that Orlando was, in fact, popular and could have pretty much whoever he wanted, including the hottest girl at the party.
Leaning his forehead softly against the bathroom wall, he let the water wash over his back and squeezed his eyes shut. He hadn’t meant it to go beyond flirting.
***
“Do you want to check out the terrace, get some fresh air?” Emily suggested, after having spent a few hours talking and drinking champagne.
“Sure” Orlando agreed. The terrace had been amply used throughout the night by people wanting to enjoy one of the last summer nights London was likely to have in store. It was a good time to check out who was out there, especially as he hadn’t seen Michael inside for a while.
As they walked outside it soon became clear that it wasn’t where the party was at any more. They met two girls heading inside, which left the terrace empty apart from a couple chatting intimately at one end and a waiter who was busy clearing the glasses people had left behind.
“Seems we’re a little late on the outdoors idea,” Orlando noted as they walked towards a low railing separating the terrace from a small lane leading to the parking area.
“Yeah, I don’t mind,” Emily smiled at him, “I brought the company I wanted.” Orlando gave a low laugh and looked up at the sky, pretending to look for stars. He couldn’t repay the compliment; he hadn’t brought the company he really wanted.
“Sometimes I wish I lived in the countryside where the stars show clearer at night,” Emily remarked and leaned against the railing.
Orlando nodded, “Yeah, me too.” He smiled at her, “But you wouldn’t make it one weekend before missing the city.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Emily laughed, “I can be a country girl if I want.”
“I’m sure you can,” Orlando gave in, “but it would be a shame, though, I doubt the cows would appreciate the red dress.” He meant to generally state that Emily liked dressing up and would miss the social life but realized it came out more as a come-on line. He swallowed as Emily stepped a little closer to him and touched his back lightly, simultaneously he noticed the large wooden door close after the couple who’d been at the other end, leaving them alone outside.
“Do you appreciate the dress?” she questioned in a low voice and ran a finger faintly down his spine. Orlando shrugged and tried to move out of the caress just by curling his back.
“Yeah, it’s nice, you look nice.”
This had gone far enough. He hadn’t intended to end up alone with her and now he struggled to get out of it. He had proved his point to Michael; wanted to find him, wanted to ask if they could go somewhere to talk, he wanted to ask him about Ethan and wanted to know what was going on between himself and Michael. He did not want to stand outside with Emily as she touched his back. But he didn’t want to hurt her either.
“Let’s go back inside,” he suggested and turned around. “It’s a bit chilly.” It wasn’t the best excuse as Emily was standing in a thin dress and was fine with the weather but it would have to do.
“Okay,” she held out her hand, which he took and led her towards the door. Emily was too good for this; he shouldn’t be using her to get to Michael. She wasn’t just sexy and funny, she was also a lovely person, sweet and sensitive… but definitely not timid or repressed he discovered just as they reached the door.
She pulled at his hand making him turn around and he hardly had a chance to grasp what was happening before he felt soft lips against his. He hadn’t expected it and he didn’t want it but somehow kissing was an embedded reflex. Just as he would swim if thrown into water, apparently he would kiss if someone kissed him. Emily pulled back slightly after the initial kiss, which hadn’t really been a kiss but more like three soft kisses at short intervals, tasting each others lips as if to test what it was like. He felt her hand rest lightly on his hip as he looked into her blue eyes.
This was the time to stop it. He should pull back now and go inside. He smiled faintly at her and leaned forward to give her a last chaste kiss to end it on a friendly note instead of pulling back awkwardly - but then he didn’t stop. He kissed her once more and felt her hand move to his back. He wrapped a hand in her long hair, kissed her again, caressed her neck, pulled her closer and let his tongue sweep over hers.
He wasn’t sure if it was the blue eyes or the champagne, the long blonde hair, Ethan, red dress or just the fact that they had flirted all night, had already kissed and that another kiss wouldn’t make much difference - but for some reason he suddenly wanted to know what it was like to make out with her.
She was a smarter choice than Michael. She was pretty and nice and she was a woman. He needed to know if it would feel right, if she was still a genuine option for him.
He kissed her, touched her like she was the first woman he had ever been with, trying to take in all the sensations. And it was all wrong. The body he touched was too delicate, the pressure against him too light and there wasn’t enough surface for his hands to explore. Her touch was too gentle, the kiss too soft, the smell too flowery and the little sighs she made were way too feminine. It was all wrong because she wasn’t a man and more specifically she wasn’t Michael. He wanted to find Michael.
He ended the kiss and was just about to let go of her when they were interrupted by a fake cough.
“Hmm hmm, mind if we use the door?” Tim was grinning at them.
“Sorry,” Emily giggled and pulled at Orlando to move away from the door. Orlando didn’t say anything. His stomach had gone hollow and he struggled to breathe as he stared at Michael standing next to Tim.
“Don’t be,” Tim laughed merrily, “Glad to see people are enjoying the party.”
“Yeah…” Emily smiled and wrapped her arm further around Orlando’s waist. Orlando wanted to tear it away. He didn’t want Michael to see this. He wanted to grab Michael’s hand, drag him off and somehow explain the situation but instead he stood as paralyzed. He didn’t hear the short chat on how Tim had just shown his new car to Michael, that it was a nice night and had been a good concert. Orlando didn’t hear it and neither did Michael as he walked past Tim and opened the door. He met Orlando’s eyes for a split second. “Have a nice evening,” he muttered before disappearing inside.
Orlando stared blindly in front of him, not even capable of hoping Tim and Emily didn’t find his behaviour strange. He couldn’t focus or think about anything other than the look in Michael’s eyes.
It had been hurt. The short flash of emotion he had seen. There was no mistaking it for anger, confusion or anything else. He had hurt Michael.
Tim eventually went inside after giving some smart comment to Orlando. He thought he had nodded and grinned appropriately but he wasn’t sure.
“Are you alright?” Emily asked, concerned, and ran her hand up his back, no doubt sensing how tense he was.
“Hmm mm, yeah, I’m good,” Orlando nodded but pulled back when she kissed his neck.
“You’re sure?” she questioned again.
Orlando swallowed hard “Yes.”
What was he supposed to say? That he felt sick, wanted to cry, scream, wanted to go after Michael. Emily leaned her head against his shoulder and they stood silent for a while. He had to say something. He couldn’t be with Emily again, she would need an explanation and honesty wouldn’t work. ‘I flirted with you to make Michael jealous’ or ‘sorry I kissed you, I was checking if it would turn me on’ just weren’t options.
“They won’t tell anyone,” Emily pulled her head back to look at him.
“I know,” Orlando ran a hand gently through her hair. “It’s not about that.” He pulled her over to sit on a small bench and let her take his hand, knowing she’d probably let it go pretty soon.
“Listen, Em,” he started before clearing his throat. “You know I think you’re a great girl.”
“But…? She cocked her head and looked at him questioningly.
“But,” he gave an apologetic smile, “I’m sort of seeing someone else.” He looked down, he wasn’t even sure if that was true anymore but it didn’t change the situation with Emily.
“Oh.” She let go of his hand just as he’d expected. “Who?”
He shook his head. “It doesn’t really matter. Listen, I haven’t known…” he stopped to restructure his sentence. “We haven’t know each other long and I’m not sure how serious it is and stuff but, you know…”.
“I’m not sure I do,” Emily said a little angrily, “If you have a girlfriend then you shouldn’t have hit on me to begin with?”
“I know, I’m really sorry.” He took a deep breath, “I’m not even sure I’m with…that person, but I just don’t want to start anything with someone else right now.” His excuse wasn’t satisfactory but it was as close as he could get to the truth.
“Okay, well it would have been nice to know a little sooner, but if that’s how you feel,” she shrugged and stood up to leave. Orlando stood up as well. “I really am sorry,” he said again, hoping she would believe the apology was sincere.
“Sure,” she said in an unconvinced tone but then seemed to notice the miserable look on his face and took pity on him. “Look, I don’t think this is very cool and I don’t know why you’re fine to kiss me one minute and then freak out the next but I’m sure you have your reasons.”
“So we’re still friends?” Orlando asked nervously.
“Yeah,” she placed an arm around his neck and gave him a small hug, “we’re still friends.”
“Thanks,” he whispered against her ear and squeezed her a little before letting go.
She walked towards the door then stopped midway and turned back as if she just realized something. “Orlando?”
“Yes.”
“If you’re seeing a guy then you need to improve your avoidance of gender categories, ‘That person’ is a bit obvious.”
He froze, so caught off guard he couldn’t fabricate a lie and though he mouthed “Okay” no sound came.
“Is it Michael?”
He bit his lip for a second then nodded vaguely. “How ….?” Again, no sound, and he wondered if his voice even worked.
“Never seen anyone tense up so much from being caught kissing,” she answered the un-heard question.
“Oh,”
“Do you want me to talk to him or something?”
He shook his head. “No, but thanks.”
Emily gave him a small smile before she went inside then he ran a hand through his hair and tried to will his heartbeat stable. He really had to be more careful. But, it didn’t matter if she knew. Nothing mattered right now except finding Michael and to try and repair some of the damage done.
It wasn’t difficult to find Michael. He was back at the bar talking to some young blond guy Orlando didn’t know. Orlando tried to steady himself as he walked up to him. Either Michael didn’t notice him or else he just pretended not to until Orlando tapped him on the shoulder and made him turn around.
“Can I talk to you for a second?” he asked politely, feeling his heartbeat drumming in his chest.
“Sure,” Michael looked at him expectantly.
Orlando gestured towards the exit, “Do you want to go outside or something?”
Michael narrowed his eyes, “What’s wrong with here?”
Orlando struggled to even swallow. He had thought nothing could make him feel worse than the hurt he had seen in Michael’s eyes but he had been wrong. This was worse. Michael’s eyes were cold, had the exact look Orlando had seen before. The look that showed Michael was shutting off; showed when he didn’t feel and didn’t care.
“Michael, I’m so sorry, it...”
“It’s really none of my business, Orlando,” Michael stated and took a sip of beer.
“But it is your bus…”
Michael interrupted him with a hand gesture. “Guess you know which team you play on now,” he remarked dryly. The insinuation that Orlando had just been with him as an experiment hung in the air and Orlando wanted to scream. He shook his head and tried to control his voice so he whispered instead of yelling, “No, it’s…, Michael I…” Why was there no way to explain?
“Look,” Michael said sternly and held his eyes, “It really doesn’t matter.” He pronounced each word carefully so there was no chance of Orlando missing them. He shrugged. “Just forget about it, will you?”
Orlando stood silent just staring at Michael till he turned away and resumed his conversation with the blond. Orlando left the party after that, there really wasn’t anything or anyone to stay around for.
***
He rinsed the soap off his body, dried himself and returned to the bedroom where he sat down on the bed with a sigh. He couldn’t forget the look of hurt and coldness in Michael’s eyes. Orlando had wanted to penetrate the wall in Michael, he had wanted to know there were feelings there and tonight he had seen it. During their times together he had breached Michael’s walls enough to cause feelings, was close enough to hurt him… and thereby he had single handedly managed to raise the wall in Michael again. He felt so frustrated he didn’t know whether to cry or violently break something.
He was sick of the whole situation. He was done trying to analyze Michael and he was done trying to react to situations and rules he didn’t understand. He didn’t know what went on in Michael’s head. Maybe he didn’t know Michael very well at all but he did know himself and he did know how to treat people and it wasn’t how he had acted tonight.
He stood up decisively, pulled out a random pair of jeans and a t-shirt from his closet and dressed hurriedly. He needed to apologize again and he needed to explain. Maybe it wouldn’t mean anything to Michael, but it did to Orlando.
His actions tonight had been wrong but they hadn’t been completely unfounded and he had never used Michael as an experiment. He wasn’t the only one at fault. Michael had been wrong to still see Ethan if he had wanted to be with Orlando. He didn’t care about any unwritten gay rule - he had been hurt, angry, and shouldn’t have to pretend otherwise. Michael should have chosen. If Michael had played fair to begin with Orlando would never have been with Emily.
Orlando was done playing games and would revert to just being himself. He didn’t care if it was unconventional; he had nothing to lose now anyway. He grabbed his car keys and threw on a thin jacket. He didn’t care that it was 1.30 in the morning.