i need a hug
ive been becoming more and more detatched from everything around me as of late. im slowly crawling into a dark spot inside my mind. my comfort zone. no one is allowed in. i was talked to at work today. apparently things arent going as good as i thought. i believe his exact words were: "your not cheery and smiling everyday."
and for this i have been warned. im not allowed to read when theres nothing else to do. im not allowed to show my anger at my fellow employees when customers annoy/hurt/disrespect and anger me. i dont show it to the customers...only to the people i look to support for in knowing that i was right and they are wrong. so basically he was telling me that im on probation, which i did not know. when i was first transfered, its basically like being hired again. and im on probation for three months. and he told me if things kept going the way they were i would be out of a job.
i kept my composer as i felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach. as i felt ten thousand tears rush to my eyes, and as i started shaking, and went white with embarassment, fear and anger im sure. i sat outside on the bench, smoked a ciggarette and crumbled. for five short minutes i completly fell. my manager came out to help some lady, saw me smoking and made a comment about that rather then my obvious tears and crumbled composure. i didnt expect him to be comforting...
i realized that i cant discuss anything with anyone in confidence there. they all talk amongst themselves, and are constantly talking about everyone. i could possibly be parinoid...but sometimes you know your right when someone/people is/are talking about you.
i feel cheated out of a secure shelter. i feel backstabbed. they arent my friends, they arent somewhere nice to go, and they never will be.
i made up my mind that im going to look for another job. and i mean it.
i should be going to have coffee on thursday after work with a friend. i hope its longer then coffee...
production is underway on my house. walls are being puddy'd, sanded..and things are being cleaned and prepped for painting. i would help but i am at work. and my mother has the week off, and she enjoys that sort of thing anyways. now i have to start looking in books and at colours and such. design and painting is forthcoming.
im more then ready to move into my house. to have people come and go as i please and whoever i want. and they can stay as long as they want...
there is this life thats waiting for me. the life of a 20 year old. if i would only get my licence and a better job...that new life would be mine. i desperatley want it..but its almost untouchable. if i was smarter and had more determination.
i realized something in the car as well. i am depressed. i just dont let it consume me to the point where it becomes an illness.
although right now ive completly caved into a world inside my head, only responding with one-word answers.
on the outside i appear to be solid and in controll.
on the inside im fragil, frail, a mess, weak, dependent and easily-abused.
i wish someone would wrap their arms around me, and completly surround me. sheltering me. i want to be kissed. i want to be told im worth something to someone. and i want to be held for a long time in arms that dont want to let me go. i feel very alone, lost and broken....
*walks away*
and for this i have been warned. im not allowed to read when theres nothing else to do. im not allowed to show my anger at my fellow employees when customers annoy/hurt/disrespect and anger me. i dont show it to the customers...only to the people i look to support for in knowing that i was right and they are wrong. so basically he was telling me that im on probation, which i did not know. when i was first transfered, its basically like being hired again. and im on probation for three months. and he told me if things kept going the way they were i would be out of a job.
i kept my composer as i felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach. as i felt ten thousand tears rush to my eyes, and as i started shaking, and went white with embarassment, fear and anger im sure. i sat outside on the bench, smoked a ciggarette and crumbled. for five short minutes i completly fell. my manager came out to help some lady, saw me smoking and made a comment about that rather then my obvious tears and crumbled composure. i didnt expect him to be comforting...
i realized that i cant discuss anything with anyone in confidence there. they all talk amongst themselves, and are constantly talking about everyone. i could possibly be parinoid...but sometimes you know your right when someone/people is/are talking about you.
i feel cheated out of a secure shelter. i feel backstabbed. they arent my friends, they arent somewhere nice to go, and they never will be.
i made up my mind that im going to look for another job. and i mean it.
i should be going to have coffee on thursday after work with a friend. i hope its longer then coffee...
production is underway on my house. walls are being puddy'd, sanded..and things are being cleaned and prepped for painting. i would help but i am at work. and my mother has the week off, and she enjoys that sort of thing anyways. now i have to start looking in books and at colours and such. design and painting is forthcoming.
im more then ready to move into my house. to have people come and go as i please and whoever i want. and they can stay as long as they want...
there is this life thats waiting for me. the life of a 20 year old. if i would only get my licence and a better job...that new life would be mine. i desperatley want it..but its almost untouchable. if i was smarter and had more determination.
i realized something in the car as well. i am depressed. i just dont let it consume me to the point where it becomes an illness.
although right now ive completly caved into a world inside my head, only responding with one-word answers.
on the outside i appear to be solid and in controll.
on the inside im fragil, frail, a mess, weak, dependent and easily-abused.
i wish someone would wrap their arms around me, and completly surround me. sheltering me. i want to be kissed. i want to be told im worth something to someone. and i want to be held for a long time in arms that dont want to let me go. i feel very alone, lost and broken....
*walks away*