Story: Invincible Summer (part 4 of ?), Tess, Kensi/Deeks
TITLE: "Invincible Summer"
AUTHOR: tess_dicorsi
RATING: R A smidge of adult language and situations.
GENRE: Relationship/Angst
CHARACTERS: Kensi/Deeks with a an occasional OPS staffer showing up.
DISCLAIMER: Recognizable characters are not mine. Just playing with them and promise not to break them. There are a few original characters, they're mine. I'm also trying not to break them.
SUMMARY: "In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." Post "Descent" multi-chapter story.
Warning: Graphic imagery.
4. "I'm not saying that everything is survivable. Just that everything except the last thing is." - John Green, "Paper Towns"
Deeks took a deep breath and began. "I'm not going anyplace dark or thinking about what happened when I seem to check out. I don't even think I'm checking out. I am thinking, though," he told her, closing his eyes. "I haven't told you, didn't tell Hetty when I stopped by the office but Bates is considering taking me off the streets. He's thinking of either sitting me down or pushing me out. I can go back to Legal. I can work as a handler but he doesn't want to put me back on the street."
"Does he get to decide? There have to be other people who have a say."
"He runs the unit so he has a lot of say and gets to decide. He's also willing to wash me out if I won't work indoors. Disability retirement with full benefits. The pension board is ready to sign off on it if Bates wants it to happen. In the last thirty years, six LAPD officers were tortured in the line of duty, including me. Gangs and drug dealers were behind it in the past so outside of a handful of people, LAPD's been told what happened to me was part of a drug investigation. Anyway, the other five cops were retired by the department. Two had their trigger fingers cut off - an old gang favorite - so they were done for physical reasons. The other three were just pushed out. Full benefits, three-quarters pay but done. I'm going to make it six."
"He can't do that. You have rights. You have a union. You have to be given a chance to return." Kensi was preparing for a fight.
He held her a little tighter and opened his eyes. The world didn't come to an end when he said the words "disability" or "retirement" - two words he feared. Kissing the top of her head, he told her, "Kens, two of the guys ate their guns. Well, one guy ate his gun. The other drove down to San Diego and jumped off the Coronado Bridge. Bates is worried I may do the same." Deeks paused for a second before continuing. "He can't understand why I'd want to not only go back to work but go back to the liaison position. He thinks I gave everything I had to stay alive and to protect Sam and Michelle. Everybody survived. I did my job and did it well no matter what anyone else says. He wants to know why I would go back. Hetty told me that Bates didn't return a call from Sam but Bates told me he had some sort of conversation with Sam. If it was like my last conversation with Sam, Bates knows Sam thinks I'm useless. And since they're both former military, Sam's opinion carries some weight."
"Sam does not think that."
"You're right. Sam told me he didn't think much of my character. I'm just assuming he thinks I'm useless. What I don't get is I know how much Sam cares about you, how he looks out for you like family. Why he'd let you work with me when he thinks so little of me..."
Kensi pulled back and looked him right in the eye. "He doesn't..."
"He does. He told me. Ops probably heard it too since the comms were opened, so it's on tape. Hell, if they ever catch Sidorov and there's a trial, it'll show up in discovery. And you know what, it's fine. He's wrong but it's fine. I've always gotten that I'm an acquired taste. But Bates is so angry about what happened. So angry that LAPD wasn't called during the first few days I was in the hospital..."
"Hetty wanted to keep operational integrity while we looked for Sidorov."
"I'm not operational integrity Kens, I was an injured detective working for the LAPD. And Bates isn't some paper pushing cop. He's former military, an Army interrogator. He could have been trusted. He's should have been read in and that's part of the reason he's so furious. He's not wrong. Bates told me he's going to end the liaison program with or without LAPD's permission. He doesn't want to send me back so he'll just line up a bunch of short-timers or green officers."
"Short-timers?"
"Guys with a year left before retirement. They don't do much except try not to get killed before they start collecting their pension. Bates will send over so many problem people that the program will die."
"We can't let him do that."
"I know. I can't let him send people that are going to get you hurt. That could get you killed. And he knows Hetty won't allow someone like that on the team. So that's how the liaison position and the liaison program dies," Deeks told her. "And that's what I'm trying to reconcile in my head. If I somehow get myself back in a position where I can requalify physically, I have to come up with a reason to keep me on the streets. Otherwise, I'm out of the undercover unit and probably driving a desk. So I have a few weeks to figure out what I bring to my job that's unique, that can't be replaced."
"You bring you," Kensi told him as she put her head back on his chest.
"Which Bates thinks is a big part of the problem." He sighed. "The sad thing is before all this happened, I would have told you I'm not only good at this, I was damn good at it. Sidorov, Andros, Zhrov and those other psychos aside, I could do this. And you know what, I survived this. And not to sound dumb or corny but if I lose my career over this, Sidorov got more out of me than some pain. He got my future."
"Sidorov doesn't get to win," she said as she took his left hand in hers. "Hetty will get Bates to understand. I'll get him to understand."
"Staying here has gotten you in touch with your inner-Charley. Not that your inner-Kensi needed much of a push. So Bates isn't going to say no to you," he said softly.
"No, he won't."
They sat for a while just holding each other. Deeks took another deep breath. It was time. "I've had a couple of near misses in my career. Getting shot at the convenience store wasn't the first time things went really wrong. I had a few drug busts go sideways. Had a guy come at me with a knife once. All split second decisions, live or die, figure something out fast or you're done. Lazik was the closest I came to any sort of prolonged end of it all and I knew with him, he'd have his men knock me around for some laughs and then shoot me in the head once he was bored. Not the way I planned on dying but I got to say some smart ass things trying to be tough. I even spit blood on his six-hundred dollar shoes so if I was getting offed, I was going out with some style."
"You don't..."
He kissed the top of her head again. "I do. When the Russians knocked Sam into the pool, I thought Callen or someone would show up at some point so I wasn't worried going in to rescue him. I mean knowing what I know now I'd have still gone anyway but I thought someone was close by. Once I got Sam out of the pool, those greedy bastards pushed me back in and ordered me to get the briefcase with the gold before they'd let me perform CPR on Sam. That thing was so heavy. Once Sam started coming around, and that took a couple of minutes, I thought that maybe the time spent getting the briefcase and Sam's slow reaction to the CPR would have given Callen, a tact team, LAPD, someone, anyone, a chance to get us. But they didn't."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. You were exactly where you should have been, with Michelle. And I couldn't... you... you needed to be with Michelle." The thought of her near Sidorov sickened him. "Sam's beginning to breathe on his own, which gives Andros and Zhrov, the evil minions, the all clear to start kicking the living shit out of me. Mostly ribs and kidney shots. One of them missed and caught me in the head. I was a little fuzzy after that."
"Deeks, really, you can..."
"I'm doing this once, Kensi. I haven't told anybody all of it. Just what I thought they needed to know. I'd like you to know everything. If you can't handle that, tell me and that's fine. We'll just sit here for a while and then I'm make us some breakfast and we'll start the day. But I want to tell you. I think you need to know."
"Tell me what you need to tell me. Trust me."
"I do. I don't know where they took us. I mean I know the warehouse was on South Garfield. I sort of broke into my personnel file - Eric would have been so proud of me - when I got home because nobody would tell me where it was but I didn't know that day," he was rambling and he knew it. "But after they stomped on me, I guess they put us in a van or something. I don't know how they got us there but I woke up strapped into a chair. And I knew I was going to die."
"No, Deeks..."
"My clothes were starting to dry. My field jacket, I miss that jacket, felt like it weighed a ton when I was doing CPR on Sam. Except for the bottom half of the sleeves, it was dry. Jeans were still a little wet but if I was mostly dry I knew we were missing for a while."
"As soon as we knew where you were..."
Deeks shook his head. "I knew you'd be looking for us. That's not... it's just the old rule. Nothing good happens when bad guys move things to a second location. And Sidorov, nothing good was ever going to happen period. I remembered what happened those sleeper agents. We saw what he did to his old girlfriend, how he killed Varlamov. Nothing good was going to happen. So I see Sam sitting in this bright room. His clothes were still soaked but my stuff was drying. Anyway, Sam was just coming around when one of the evil minions, Zhrov, walks over near me, leaves a tray on a table and sort of laughs at me. Then he hit me and I think that's where the cut on my face came from."
"I'm sorry."
"Not your fault."
"I shouldn't have left you."
"Michelle was your assignment. None of this is your fault. It's not Sam's, or mine or Callen's or Hetty's. It's Sidorov. Just Sidorov," Deeks sighed. "So back to the unhappiest place on earth, I'm trying to clear my head when Sidorov and an evil minion Andros walk into Sam's room. Sidorov starts asking Sam about Quinn." Deeks started imitating Sidorov. "Is Quieenn an agent? Is Quieenn in on this. Quieen, Quieen." He chuckled in spite of himself.
"He sounds like a Bond villain."
"More like Boris Badenov," Deeks answered in his own voice. "I guess that makes me Moose and Sam Squirrel. Hey, the initials work." Deeks chuckled again, thinking that laughing at this meant he was either dealing with what happened or was as crazy as Bates feared. "When Sam doesn't tell him anything, Sidorov nods to the minion who does something near the wall. I really couldn't see what he was doing but the next thing here is this buzzing noise and Sam looks like he's having a seizure."
"There was a small generator in the room with jumper cables attached to the chair."
"Jesus, really? Makes sense that his clothes were all still wet, then."
"Nobody told you?"
"No. Nate kept wanting to talk about my feelings, what happened to me. I didn't read much in the after-action reports except where we were kept. I didn't want to be near that place." Deeks worked hard to suppress a shudder and keep his breathing even. "Sam denies Michelle is an agent over and over again. Sidorov talks about going after the weak one and suddenly the door between Sam's shiny white room and my dark place opens. And it's showtime with me starring as the weak one."
"Deeks, I'll listen to anything and everything you need to tell me but know you're here and you're safe and you've never been the weak one."
"I know. And thank you." Deeks took a deep breath, steeling himself for what was coming. "I kept my cover. I was just a narcotics cop who stumbled into Sidorov's business. The problem was I worked a little too hard saving Sam. They knew we were together. They put this device in my mouth and I knew I was done. The minion, Andros, has a handheld drill and wow, I never saw that coming. I mean I saw it coming as he turned it on and put it in my mouth but who thinks of things like that? And oh God, it hurt."
As a shudder finally went through him, he felt Kensi tighten her grip on him. "It's okay, take your time."
"Did you guys hear when Lazik and his minions had me?"
"You like the word minions," Kensi noted.
"I do. Watched a lot of "Buffy" while I was recovering. Minions is a great word. Did you hear me with Lazik?"
"No. The first time I heard you was when we all met up in the basement. You were a little beat up but honestly, I thought you were sorta chipper considering…"
"There was a lot to be chipper about. I didn't die," he told her. "No kidding, I held up against Lazik. Took a couple of punches, got to be a little snotty. Didn't yell, didn't cry, didn't beg for my life. I was a dead man but I was going out as a man."
"Deeks, you're a man."
"Not with Sidorov. I screamed and cried like a baby when the drilling started. Oh God, Kensi, it hurt. And Sidorov, he had one hand under my chin and the other was in my hair so I couldn't move away. You want to know what I remember the most? His hand in my hair. He had to feel every vibration, hear every scream, knew I was crying and nothing. Just had his hand wrapped around some of my hair like it was a handle."
"He's a piece of filth, Deeks. And we'll find him and he'll pay for what he did."
Deeks nodded, knowing like Janvier, rich gunrunners and Russian mobsters don't get caught. "After Andros drills this one tooth into oblivion, he moves to the next one and he just keeps going. The drill kept getting hotter and hotter inside my mouth. There's all this dust and junk flying around in my mouth. Well, not dust and junk, those were my teeth and I was choking on them. After he was done with all the lower molars on the left side, Andros stopped drilling. Sidorov, still with his hand in my hair, whispered in my ear that he'd make it all stop, make the pain all go away if I just told him about Quinn. He'd kill me quick if I just told him what I knew."
"You didn't. You were strong."
Deeks noticed Kensi was crying. He was crying too. "No, I didn't tell them anything but I wasn't strong. When they started on all the back teeth on the top, I lost consciousness after a while. Not all that strong."
"Your system shut down to protect you."
"The drill slipped. It went through the roof of my mouth."
Kensi gasped. "Oh God Deeks, I'm sorry."
"When I woke up, the two minions were laughing as I tried to lift my head. I felt the left side of my mouth with my tongue and oh God, that was a mistake. Sidorov was back in with Sam but I couldn't understand what they were saying. And then the door opened again and I hear 'You're up,' from Sidorov and they put that brace back in my mouth and I wished he killed me."
"No, you don't."
"At that point, I did. I knew I was going to die. I was just...I didn't want me screaming with a psycho putting a hand drill in my mouth as my last act on this planet. Then the drill started again and after a while, I couldn't even scream anymore. I don't think I was conscious long. After that, I have these flashes of memories - you, I think Hetty and Bates were getting into it, a couple of LAPD people I know but the next thing I really remember is Nate."
"I wish I was there."
"No, you don't. I wasn't good company. I wasn't good for anything, really. I think that's when Bates took one look at me and decided he needed to protect me from myself. On one hand, I may have someone in my life who actually gives a shit about me because nobody ever tried to protect me before but on the other, I want my career back. I want my life back."
"You'll get you your life back. And you have people in your life who care about you. I do. It's getting harder and harder to remember a time when I didn't."
"That's the other thing. I know we were in a weird place when this all started and maybe we still are. We're certainly in this holding pattern until, well, now I guess. But you'll be just another thing I lose in this. No job, no future, no you. Only I'd hit a trifecta and lose everything."
"You didn't lose me. You're not losing me."
"How do I have you if you're waiting for me to fall apart? How do I have you when a good day is only taking an hour long nap before dinner? I'm sound asleep most nights long before you even go to bed. God, who wouldn't want that?" he said, disgusted with himself.
"Deeks, give yourself a break. You're up hours before I am. You're napping before dinner and you're going to bed early because you're busting your ass to get better. You've been so good, so disciplined about the gym, about being out on the water. I've been watching. Surfing is your reward. That paddle board - that's hard work and you're doing it for hours every day." Kensi pulled back and looked right at him. "And I'm not waiting for you to fall apart. I want to keep you with me. I want to be as strong for you as you're being for yourself, as you were for Sam and Michelle. You want your job back with LAPD, I'll fight for you and so will Hetty, Callen and Sam."
"Maybe you and Hetty. Sam, not so much."
"Why do you think Sam thinks you're useless or you have character issues? You couldn't be more wrong. Sam was amazed by your strength, by your will. He told me that in the hospital. He told me he couldn't believe how strong you were. He had training with the SEALs. He knew what to do, how to survive being tortured. You didn't have any of that and you saved yourself, saved Sam and Michelle."
He put his hand on her cheek, wiping away her tears with his thumb. "I have everyone's back. I always have."
"Sam never thought he'd need someone to have his back or if he did, it would be Callen or Michelle."
"Yeah, and he gets dimed out by Janvier and all he has is me."
"And it was all he needed. He's grateful, Deeks, so grateful. He doesn't think you're useless or any other nasty comment you can come up with for yourself. Michelle called you a hero. Sam agreed."
"I'm not a hero, I'm a cop Kensi and I'm losing that. That's who I am, it's what I do, what I'm good at."
"Hetty would have never brought you in if you weren't."
"And if I lose my job with LAPD. How can Hetty keep a cop who is out on disability? I'll tell you. She can't."
"You're not going out on disability and never underestimate Hetty."
"And what if we're overestimating me? What happens if somehow I get my job back, somehow I requalify. Are you going to feel safe going through a door with me?"
She looked at him like he was insane. "Always."
"Wrong," he told her with no malice. "You think I'm having nightmares. Now you're going to run into a dark room looking for bad guys with me?"
"Yes, because I'm going into every room with someone I trust without reservation. Someone whose loyalty is unquestioned. The strongest man I know. I'm no fool, Deeks. I couldn't be in better hands."
"I flipped out the first day at the dentist," he looked down as he told her. "She put her hand in my mouth and some piece of equipment and I just started crying. She was a special dentist Bates knew who dealt with trauma victims and she still made me cry. A true feat of strength there, huh?"
She tilted his head up so his gaze met hers. "A true reaction of a survivor. The feat of strength was surviving being with Sidorov. That dentist chair you went back to over and over again meant you wanted to be whole. That's another feat of strength."
"I want back in but I'm afraid I'll fail you. And if I fail and something happens to you liked it happened to me..."
"You won't fail. You said it yourself, you're good at this." Kensi smiled and lifted an eyebrow. "And why would it be your fault if something happens to me but what happened to you wasn't my fault or Sam's, Callen's or anyone else's but Sidorov's."
"Because it was Sidorov's fault," he told her. The look of determination in her eyes, her trust in him made him smile. "I'm still recovering, I was unaware that I needed to be logical. Try me again in a couple of days, I'll try to be logical."
"How about trying to be Deeks. You're good at that and getting better every day. I'm sorry if I upset you this morning. I don't think you're weak. I know you're strong. I want to help you. I want you to know you can trust me with everything."
"I do trust you with everything. And you have helped. Normal matters to me. Us being us for the last month has been good. I needed us to go back to where we were. I don't know exactly where we were..."
"Figuring out how to communicate?" she asked with a smile.
"I think we're doing okay today."
"You're doing amazing." She gently kissed him on the cheek.
"You weren't too bad yourself," he told her as he pulled her close.
"Now what?" she asked after a while.
Good question. He wasn't sure what 'now what' meant. 'Now what' for Friday, 'now what' for his career, 'now what' for the rest of his life, the rest of their lives. He decided to stick with Friday, even if it made him feel like a coward. "You want pancakes? We haven't had pancakes in a while."
She chuckled and said "Sure, why not?"
x-x-x
Kensi told him she had an errand to run so she dropped him off at the gym just before ten and promised she whould be back before noon. Breaking out of his usual routine, he swam for over an hour - impressing the hell of out two young mothers who were bouncing their newborns in the pool - then took a yoga class with the young mothers, a very limber fisherman and an older woman who put them all to shame. Kensi pulled up in the truck, smiling, just after noon with takeout sandwiches from Mort's and two rather large shopping bags.
Back at the house, Kensi told him she had a nice talk with Sharon at the B&B earlier in the week. The private reception Saturday night, while not a formal event, wasn't hoodie, board shorts or yoga pants appropriate. She handed him a shopping bag from a men's shop north of Port Orford.
"You bought me something to wear?" Deeks was stunned as he looked at the shopping bag.
"Not a suit or anything, just something nice. Open it."
Deeks lifted an eyebrow and peeked carefully into the bag. He pulled out a black men's button down shirt. "I do have a good shirt with me. I figured at some point we'd have gone out to dinner someplace that didn't serve food in takeout cartons."
"It's a nice shirt," she told him. "Besides, you have some really nice color right now. Dark shirts always show off a tan."
"Someone's been mainlining 'What Not To Wear,'" Deeks teased. "Did you buy yourself something to wear, yoga pants?"
"Maybe," she smiled as she took her sandwich and shopping bag to the deck.
An hour later, Deeks found himself out on his paddle board rethinking the morning. He needed a better answer to "now what" he decided. He wanted more than pancakes and based on what happened this morning with Kensi - who was reading "Unbroken" on the beach with Monty next to her chair - so did she.
No more secrets. No more hiding. Maybe just more. Now he had to figure out how to make that happen.
-30-
AUTHOR: tess_dicorsi
RATING: R A smidge of adult language and situations.
GENRE: Relationship/Angst
CHARACTERS: Kensi/Deeks with a an occasional OPS staffer showing up.
DISCLAIMER: Recognizable characters are not mine. Just playing with them and promise not to break them. There are a few original characters, they're mine. I'm also trying not to break them.
SUMMARY: "In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." Post "Descent" multi-chapter story.
Warning: Graphic imagery.
4. "I'm not saying that everything is survivable. Just that everything except the last thing is." - John Green, "Paper Towns"
Deeks took a deep breath and began. "I'm not going anyplace dark or thinking about what happened when I seem to check out. I don't even think I'm checking out. I am thinking, though," he told her, closing his eyes. "I haven't told you, didn't tell Hetty when I stopped by the office but Bates is considering taking me off the streets. He's thinking of either sitting me down or pushing me out. I can go back to Legal. I can work as a handler but he doesn't want to put me back on the street."
"Does he get to decide? There have to be other people who have a say."
"He runs the unit so he has a lot of say and gets to decide. He's also willing to wash me out if I won't work indoors. Disability retirement with full benefits. The pension board is ready to sign off on it if Bates wants it to happen. In the last thirty years, six LAPD officers were tortured in the line of duty, including me. Gangs and drug dealers were behind it in the past so outside of a handful of people, LAPD's been told what happened to me was part of a drug investigation. Anyway, the other five cops were retired by the department. Two had their trigger fingers cut off - an old gang favorite - so they were done for physical reasons. The other three were just pushed out. Full benefits, three-quarters pay but done. I'm going to make it six."
"He can't do that. You have rights. You have a union. You have to be given a chance to return." Kensi was preparing for a fight.
He held her a little tighter and opened his eyes. The world didn't come to an end when he said the words "disability" or "retirement" - two words he feared. Kissing the top of her head, he told her, "Kens, two of the guys ate their guns. Well, one guy ate his gun. The other drove down to San Diego and jumped off the Coronado Bridge. Bates is worried I may do the same." Deeks paused for a second before continuing. "He can't understand why I'd want to not only go back to work but go back to the liaison position. He thinks I gave everything I had to stay alive and to protect Sam and Michelle. Everybody survived. I did my job and did it well no matter what anyone else says. He wants to know why I would go back. Hetty told me that Bates didn't return a call from Sam but Bates told me he had some sort of conversation with Sam. If it was like my last conversation with Sam, Bates knows Sam thinks I'm useless. And since they're both former military, Sam's opinion carries some weight."
"Sam does not think that."
"You're right. Sam told me he didn't think much of my character. I'm just assuming he thinks I'm useless. What I don't get is I know how much Sam cares about you, how he looks out for you like family. Why he'd let you work with me when he thinks so little of me..."
Kensi pulled back and looked him right in the eye. "He doesn't..."
"He does. He told me. Ops probably heard it too since the comms were opened, so it's on tape. Hell, if they ever catch Sidorov and there's a trial, it'll show up in discovery. And you know what, it's fine. He's wrong but it's fine. I've always gotten that I'm an acquired taste. But Bates is so angry about what happened. So angry that LAPD wasn't called during the first few days I was in the hospital..."
"Hetty wanted to keep operational integrity while we looked for Sidorov."
"I'm not operational integrity Kens, I was an injured detective working for the LAPD. And Bates isn't some paper pushing cop. He's former military, an Army interrogator. He could have been trusted. He's should have been read in and that's part of the reason he's so furious. He's not wrong. Bates told me he's going to end the liaison program with or without LAPD's permission. He doesn't want to send me back so he'll just line up a bunch of short-timers or green officers."
"Short-timers?"
"Guys with a year left before retirement. They don't do much except try not to get killed before they start collecting their pension. Bates will send over so many problem people that the program will die."
"We can't let him do that."
"I know. I can't let him send people that are going to get you hurt. That could get you killed. And he knows Hetty won't allow someone like that on the team. So that's how the liaison position and the liaison program dies," Deeks told her. "And that's what I'm trying to reconcile in my head. If I somehow get myself back in a position where I can requalify physically, I have to come up with a reason to keep me on the streets. Otherwise, I'm out of the undercover unit and probably driving a desk. So I have a few weeks to figure out what I bring to my job that's unique, that can't be replaced."
"You bring you," Kensi told him as she put her head back on his chest.
"Which Bates thinks is a big part of the problem." He sighed. "The sad thing is before all this happened, I would have told you I'm not only good at this, I was damn good at it. Sidorov, Andros, Zhrov and those other psychos aside, I could do this. And you know what, I survived this. And not to sound dumb or corny but if I lose my career over this, Sidorov got more out of me than some pain. He got my future."
"Sidorov doesn't get to win," she said as she took his left hand in hers. "Hetty will get Bates to understand. I'll get him to understand."
"Staying here has gotten you in touch with your inner-Charley. Not that your inner-Kensi needed much of a push. So Bates isn't going to say no to you," he said softly.
"No, he won't."
They sat for a while just holding each other. Deeks took another deep breath. It was time. "I've had a couple of near misses in my career. Getting shot at the convenience store wasn't the first time things went really wrong. I had a few drug busts go sideways. Had a guy come at me with a knife once. All split second decisions, live or die, figure something out fast or you're done. Lazik was the closest I came to any sort of prolonged end of it all and I knew with him, he'd have his men knock me around for some laughs and then shoot me in the head once he was bored. Not the way I planned on dying but I got to say some smart ass things trying to be tough. I even spit blood on his six-hundred dollar shoes so if I was getting offed, I was going out with some style."
"You don't..."
He kissed the top of her head again. "I do. When the Russians knocked Sam into the pool, I thought Callen or someone would show up at some point so I wasn't worried going in to rescue him. I mean knowing what I know now I'd have still gone anyway but I thought someone was close by. Once I got Sam out of the pool, those greedy bastards pushed me back in and ordered me to get the briefcase with the gold before they'd let me perform CPR on Sam. That thing was so heavy. Once Sam started coming around, and that took a couple of minutes, I thought that maybe the time spent getting the briefcase and Sam's slow reaction to the CPR would have given Callen, a tact team, LAPD, someone, anyone, a chance to get us. But they didn't."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. You were exactly where you should have been, with Michelle. And I couldn't... you... you needed to be with Michelle." The thought of her near Sidorov sickened him. "Sam's beginning to breathe on his own, which gives Andros and Zhrov, the evil minions, the all clear to start kicking the living shit out of me. Mostly ribs and kidney shots. One of them missed and caught me in the head. I was a little fuzzy after that."
"Deeks, really, you can..."
"I'm doing this once, Kensi. I haven't told anybody all of it. Just what I thought they needed to know. I'd like you to know everything. If you can't handle that, tell me and that's fine. We'll just sit here for a while and then I'm make us some breakfast and we'll start the day. But I want to tell you. I think you need to know."
"Tell me what you need to tell me. Trust me."
"I do. I don't know where they took us. I mean I know the warehouse was on South Garfield. I sort of broke into my personnel file - Eric would have been so proud of me - when I got home because nobody would tell me where it was but I didn't know that day," he was rambling and he knew it. "But after they stomped on me, I guess they put us in a van or something. I don't know how they got us there but I woke up strapped into a chair. And I knew I was going to die."
"No, Deeks..."
"My clothes were starting to dry. My field jacket, I miss that jacket, felt like it weighed a ton when I was doing CPR on Sam. Except for the bottom half of the sleeves, it was dry. Jeans were still a little wet but if I was mostly dry I knew we were missing for a while."
"As soon as we knew where you were..."
Deeks shook his head. "I knew you'd be looking for us. That's not... it's just the old rule. Nothing good happens when bad guys move things to a second location. And Sidorov, nothing good was ever going to happen period. I remembered what happened those sleeper agents. We saw what he did to his old girlfriend, how he killed Varlamov. Nothing good was going to happen. So I see Sam sitting in this bright room. His clothes were still soaked but my stuff was drying. Anyway, Sam was just coming around when one of the evil minions, Zhrov, walks over near me, leaves a tray on a table and sort of laughs at me. Then he hit me and I think that's where the cut on my face came from."
"I'm sorry."
"Not your fault."
"I shouldn't have left you."
"Michelle was your assignment. None of this is your fault. It's not Sam's, or mine or Callen's or Hetty's. It's Sidorov. Just Sidorov," Deeks sighed. "So back to the unhappiest place on earth, I'm trying to clear my head when Sidorov and an evil minion Andros walk into Sam's room. Sidorov starts asking Sam about Quinn." Deeks started imitating Sidorov. "Is Quieenn an agent? Is Quieenn in on this. Quieen, Quieen." He chuckled in spite of himself.
"He sounds like a Bond villain."
"More like Boris Badenov," Deeks answered in his own voice. "I guess that makes me Moose and Sam Squirrel. Hey, the initials work." Deeks chuckled again, thinking that laughing at this meant he was either dealing with what happened or was as crazy as Bates feared. "When Sam doesn't tell him anything, Sidorov nods to the minion who does something near the wall. I really couldn't see what he was doing but the next thing here is this buzzing noise and Sam looks like he's having a seizure."
"There was a small generator in the room with jumper cables attached to the chair."
"Jesus, really? Makes sense that his clothes were all still wet, then."
"Nobody told you?"
"No. Nate kept wanting to talk about my feelings, what happened to me. I didn't read much in the after-action reports except where we were kept. I didn't want to be near that place." Deeks worked hard to suppress a shudder and keep his breathing even. "Sam denies Michelle is an agent over and over again. Sidorov talks about going after the weak one and suddenly the door between Sam's shiny white room and my dark place opens. And it's showtime with me starring as the weak one."
"Deeks, I'll listen to anything and everything you need to tell me but know you're here and you're safe and you've never been the weak one."
"I know. And thank you." Deeks took a deep breath, steeling himself for what was coming. "I kept my cover. I was just a narcotics cop who stumbled into Sidorov's business. The problem was I worked a little too hard saving Sam. They knew we were together. They put this device in my mouth and I knew I was done. The minion, Andros, has a handheld drill and wow, I never saw that coming. I mean I saw it coming as he turned it on and put it in my mouth but who thinks of things like that? And oh God, it hurt."
As a shudder finally went through him, he felt Kensi tighten her grip on him. "It's okay, take your time."
"Did you guys hear when Lazik and his minions had me?"
"You like the word minions," Kensi noted.
"I do. Watched a lot of "Buffy" while I was recovering. Minions is a great word. Did you hear me with Lazik?"
"No. The first time I heard you was when we all met up in the basement. You were a little beat up but honestly, I thought you were sorta chipper considering…"
"There was a lot to be chipper about. I didn't die," he told her. "No kidding, I held up against Lazik. Took a couple of punches, got to be a little snotty. Didn't yell, didn't cry, didn't beg for my life. I was a dead man but I was going out as a man."
"Deeks, you're a man."
"Not with Sidorov. I screamed and cried like a baby when the drilling started. Oh God, Kensi, it hurt. And Sidorov, he had one hand under my chin and the other was in my hair so I couldn't move away. You want to know what I remember the most? His hand in my hair. He had to feel every vibration, hear every scream, knew I was crying and nothing. Just had his hand wrapped around some of my hair like it was a handle."
"He's a piece of filth, Deeks. And we'll find him and he'll pay for what he did."
Deeks nodded, knowing like Janvier, rich gunrunners and Russian mobsters don't get caught. "After Andros drills this one tooth into oblivion, he moves to the next one and he just keeps going. The drill kept getting hotter and hotter inside my mouth. There's all this dust and junk flying around in my mouth. Well, not dust and junk, those were my teeth and I was choking on them. After he was done with all the lower molars on the left side, Andros stopped drilling. Sidorov, still with his hand in my hair, whispered in my ear that he'd make it all stop, make the pain all go away if I just told him about Quinn. He'd kill me quick if I just told him what I knew."
"You didn't. You were strong."
Deeks noticed Kensi was crying. He was crying too. "No, I didn't tell them anything but I wasn't strong. When they started on all the back teeth on the top, I lost consciousness after a while. Not all that strong."
"Your system shut down to protect you."
"The drill slipped. It went through the roof of my mouth."
Kensi gasped. "Oh God Deeks, I'm sorry."
"When I woke up, the two minions were laughing as I tried to lift my head. I felt the left side of my mouth with my tongue and oh God, that was a mistake. Sidorov was back in with Sam but I couldn't understand what they were saying. And then the door opened again and I hear 'You're up,' from Sidorov and they put that brace back in my mouth and I wished he killed me."
"No, you don't."
"At that point, I did. I knew I was going to die. I was just...I didn't want me screaming with a psycho putting a hand drill in my mouth as my last act on this planet. Then the drill started again and after a while, I couldn't even scream anymore. I don't think I was conscious long. After that, I have these flashes of memories - you, I think Hetty and Bates were getting into it, a couple of LAPD people I know but the next thing I really remember is Nate."
"I wish I was there."
"No, you don't. I wasn't good company. I wasn't good for anything, really. I think that's when Bates took one look at me and decided he needed to protect me from myself. On one hand, I may have someone in my life who actually gives a shit about me because nobody ever tried to protect me before but on the other, I want my career back. I want my life back."
"You'll get you your life back. And you have people in your life who care about you. I do. It's getting harder and harder to remember a time when I didn't."
"That's the other thing. I know we were in a weird place when this all started and maybe we still are. We're certainly in this holding pattern until, well, now I guess. But you'll be just another thing I lose in this. No job, no future, no you. Only I'd hit a trifecta and lose everything."
"You didn't lose me. You're not losing me."
"How do I have you if you're waiting for me to fall apart? How do I have you when a good day is only taking an hour long nap before dinner? I'm sound asleep most nights long before you even go to bed. God, who wouldn't want that?" he said, disgusted with himself.
"Deeks, give yourself a break. You're up hours before I am. You're napping before dinner and you're going to bed early because you're busting your ass to get better. You've been so good, so disciplined about the gym, about being out on the water. I've been watching. Surfing is your reward. That paddle board - that's hard work and you're doing it for hours every day." Kensi pulled back and looked right at him. "And I'm not waiting for you to fall apart. I want to keep you with me. I want to be as strong for you as you're being for yourself, as you were for Sam and Michelle. You want your job back with LAPD, I'll fight for you and so will Hetty, Callen and Sam."
"Maybe you and Hetty. Sam, not so much."
"Why do you think Sam thinks you're useless or you have character issues? You couldn't be more wrong. Sam was amazed by your strength, by your will. He told me that in the hospital. He told me he couldn't believe how strong you were. He had training with the SEALs. He knew what to do, how to survive being tortured. You didn't have any of that and you saved yourself, saved Sam and Michelle."
He put his hand on her cheek, wiping away her tears with his thumb. "I have everyone's back. I always have."
"Sam never thought he'd need someone to have his back or if he did, it would be Callen or Michelle."
"Yeah, and he gets dimed out by Janvier and all he has is me."
"And it was all he needed. He's grateful, Deeks, so grateful. He doesn't think you're useless or any other nasty comment you can come up with for yourself. Michelle called you a hero. Sam agreed."
"I'm not a hero, I'm a cop Kensi and I'm losing that. That's who I am, it's what I do, what I'm good at."
"Hetty would have never brought you in if you weren't."
"And if I lose my job with LAPD. How can Hetty keep a cop who is out on disability? I'll tell you. She can't."
"You're not going out on disability and never underestimate Hetty."
"And what if we're overestimating me? What happens if somehow I get my job back, somehow I requalify. Are you going to feel safe going through a door with me?"
She looked at him like he was insane. "Always."
"Wrong," he told her with no malice. "You think I'm having nightmares. Now you're going to run into a dark room looking for bad guys with me?"
"Yes, because I'm going into every room with someone I trust without reservation. Someone whose loyalty is unquestioned. The strongest man I know. I'm no fool, Deeks. I couldn't be in better hands."
"I flipped out the first day at the dentist," he looked down as he told her. "She put her hand in my mouth and some piece of equipment and I just started crying. She was a special dentist Bates knew who dealt with trauma victims and she still made me cry. A true feat of strength there, huh?"
She tilted his head up so his gaze met hers. "A true reaction of a survivor. The feat of strength was surviving being with Sidorov. That dentist chair you went back to over and over again meant you wanted to be whole. That's another feat of strength."
"I want back in but I'm afraid I'll fail you. And if I fail and something happens to you liked it happened to me..."
"You won't fail. You said it yourself, you're good at this." Kensi smiled and lifted an eyebrow. "And why would it be your fault if something happens to me but what happened to you wasn't my fault or Sam's, Callen's or anyone else's but Sidorov's."
"Because it was Sidorov's fault," he told her. The look of determination in her eyes, her trust in him made him smile. "I'm still recovering, I was unaware that I needed to be logical. Try me again in a couple of days, I'll try to be logical."
"How about trying to be Deeks. You're good at that and getting better every day. I'm sorry if I upset you this morning. I don't think you're weak. I know you're strong. I want to help you. I want you to know you can trust me with everything."
"I do trust you with everything. And you have helped. Normal matters to me. Us being us for the last month has been good. I needed us to go back to where we were. I don't know exactly where we were..."
"Figuring out how to communicate?" she asked with a smile.
"I think we're doing okay today."
"You're doing amazing." She gently kissed him on the cheek.
"You weren't too bad yourself," he told her as he pulled her close.
"Now what?" she asked after a while.
Good question. He wasn't sure what 'now what' meant. 'Now what' for Friday, 'now what' for his career, 'now what' for the rest of his life, the rest of their lives. He decided to stick with Friday, even if it made him feel like a coward. "You want pancakes? We haven't had pancakes in a while."
She chuckled and said "Sure, why not?"
x-x-x
Kensi told him she had an errand to run so she dropped him off at the gym just before ten and promised she whould be back before noon. Breaking out of his usual routine, he swam for over an hour - impressing the hell of out two young mothers who were bouncing their newborns in the pool - then took a yoga class with the young mothers, a very limber fisherman and an older woman who put them all to shame. Kensi pulled up in the truck, smiling, just after noon with takeout sandwiches from Mort's and two rather large shopping bags.
Back at the house, Kensi told him she had a nice talk with Sharon at the B&B earlier in the week. The private reception Saturday night, while not a formal event, wasn't hoodie, board shorts or yoga pants appropriate. She handed him a shopping bag from a men's shop north of Port Orford.
"You bought me something to wear?" Deeks was stunned as he looked at the shopping bag.
"Not a suit or anything, just something nice. Open it."
Deeks lifted an eyebrow and peeked carefully into the bag. He pulled out a black men's button down shirt. "I do have a good shirt with me. I figured at some point we'd have gone out to dinner someplace that didn't serve food in takeout cartons."
"It's a nice shirt," she told him. "Besides, you have some really nice color right now. Dark shirts always show off a tan."
"Someone's been mainlining 'What Not To Wear,'" Deeks teased. "Did you buy yourself something to wear, yoga pants?"
"Maybe," she smiled as she took her sandwich and shopping bag to the deck.
An hour later, Deeks found himself out on his paddle board rethinking the morning. He needed a better answer to "now what" he decided. He wanted more than pancakes and based on what happened this morning with Kensi - who was reading "Unbroken" on the beach with Monty next to her chair - so did she.
No more secrets. No more hiding. Maybe just more. Now he had to figure out how to make that happen.
-30-