The Knot For Our Heart---Part 22 (Mal/River, post BDM)
River didn't think that she was close to being well, or whole, or healed, despite learning what was in her head, despite learning how to not listen to everyone else. When she was tired, sometimes, she couldn't stand the low buzz of everyone's thoughts, and she had to keep active, to ignore it. She danced, she scrubbed the decks and scoured out the showers, she cleaned the bunk and replaced everything of Mal's exactly as he left it, she helped Kaylee and ran diagnostics, or anything she could think of that didn't involve letting Mal or Simon know that she was losing control.
Sometimes, she could go to the bridge and lean against the window, looking at the stars, and getting lost in them.
"River," Mal said, behind her, He hadn't bothered to close the door, and hallway lights behind him were dimmed. She could see his reflection in the windshield. "Talk to me."
"It's nothing," she said. "Buzzings in my head."
"You're not going crazy again," he said, still beside the door. "You'll never have that again. Doc ran diagnostics on you with that Alliance equipment."
"I want to hit people, sometimes, bring 'em down," River said. "Like to smash all the china in the shop, make everybody who believes in the government hurt, push their faces into the corpses and make them smell what we smell."
"I know," Mal said. "Believe me. Well, I know you do."
River finally turned to look at him. "How is that right? How is that normal?"
"It's normal for anyone who fought against the Alliance," Mal said, smiling slightly. "You were the girl the whole government was chasing after. And they didn't get you. I got you."
River stood up and stepped close to him. "Listen to you, saying sweet things," she said, and put her arms around his waist, pressing her chest, her heart against his.
"I surprise my own self, sometimes," Mal said. He touched her hair, as if he could read the future by the way each strand felt. He concentrated on what he was saying. "Would you---care about me if I wasn't a sad bastard?" Standing this close, she could see both his youth and his age.
"It'd be different," River said. "But I like all the scars and cracks and seams on you, and us, and on Serenity. She's real, she'll go where other ships won't. Like you. Like me." She leaned all her weight against him. "You like it that I'm half-crazy. Patched together like Kaylee does engines, with spit and willpower."
"No," Mal said. "You're not crazy anymore. You're straight and true. You know that, River."
"I do," River said. "I just get scared that I'm going to lose everything. Lose you."
"One day, you will," Mal said. "We all will. We close our eyes and go into the black." He looked away from her, out into the window. "I don't really know what I believe," he said. "But I want to think that I'll be with you, keep you close." He looked back down into her face. "It's a pretty thought."
"I like it," River said. "I'd like to always open my eyes and see yours."
"Don't know but I think Shepherd Book would be pleased," Mal said. He stepped back, and held her from him by her shoulders. "Everybody's gone to bed, I think. You missed supper. You ready to come to bed with me?"
"Yes," she said. She was tired. She hadn't slept last night, just lain beside Mal, listening to him breathe. "You know, if you weren't such a mean old man, I wouldn't be standing here right now. You could have left me and Simon, but you wouldn't do that." They began walking back down to the crew bunks.
"I surely did," Mal said. "I put you two right off this boat."
"And you took us right back," River said, stopping. She pointed her arms in two different directions. "Just to be contrary. If all the 'verse says turn east, Malcolm Reynolds has to turn west."
"And so do you," Mal said. "Or north, or south by southwest. Come to bed, little albatross."
"Yes, sir," River said, stepping past him onto the decking of the hall. Mal gave her a firm swat on her hip as she passed, and she snorted, looking back over her shoulder.
Mal caught up with her, a glint in his eye. River put her arms around his neck as he bent his head, and he straightened up as he kissed her, picking her feet completely off the deck. When they broke the kiss, he said, gruffly, "You know that I love you."
"I just like hearing you say it," River said. "Lots of times."
"You want me to get on the intercom system?" he asked, and set her down. They had only a step or so to the hatch, but Mal stopped, clasping her hand. "Sorry, Inara, did you need something?" he asked, easily.
River peered around him, almost embarrassed. Inara was silhouetted on the step down to the galley, one hand on the door frame.
"No," Inara said, her voice very---warm. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you. I----no, it can wait until morning." She looked at them both. "Forgive me, I didn't mean to stare. You two are very---"
"Oh, dear," River said, and Mal's hand tightened around hers, hard.
"Suited," Inara said, firmly. "In fact, I can't think of a better word. I'll pull up my appointment log tomorrow after breakfast. Good night."
"Good night," Mal said.
"Night," River echoed. Mal didn't watch Inara walk away, but pushed open the hatch door, and stepped down the ladder. River followed, right behind him.
"Now," Mal said, shrugging off one suspender. "Tell me about looking into my eyes again."