Movie: Risen
So, Mark's super-religious mom wanted all of us to go see Risen. It was her Easter present. Tom Felton was in it playing Lucius. I'm in.
The whole theater was filled with elderly, serious-looking people.
Movie starts. Its a guy telling a tavern keeper how the eff he got there. So the story starts.
Poor Tribute goes through nearly the whole thing with a split lip. I'm not sure it was necissary.
In comes Tom. Introduced as Lucius. Says he's in the position because the guy in charge knows his father.
I may have started giggling.
Crucifixion wasn't dramatic and over the top. Still winced a lot. Mark was horrified at primitive body disposal. Was even more horrified at exhumation. I asked him what else they were supposed to do, genuinely bewildered.
Sometimes it freaks out my husband that I scream for him when I see a scary unidentified bug, but I'm ok with this because you know what to expect.
Anyway, Jewish leaders show up. I'm sure it was how they dressed at the time, but did EVERY single native person that wasn't a disciple have to have a giant, hooked honker? Like, EVERY last person? I started wondering if they were prosthetics.
For the record, I like noses like that and have a nose fetish, so when these guys showed up I was so distracted I have NO idea what went on in scenes with them.
It's not my fault. I'm wired that way. I even love bushy eyebrows.
So, eventually, they find Bartholomew, who is like the HOTTEST hottie that has ever hotted. It was ridiculous. I was not the only woman in that theater that perked up, we were in the back, I saw everyone sit up.
Mary Magdaline is adorable. That's when the men sat up LOL!
So, they find all of the disciples and Jesus and all of them are preposterously good-looking. Like Peter Jackson Dwarf Level Unexpectedly Hot. I start giggling again.
Jesus fades. Everyone freaks out. They claim he does this from time to time and not to freak. It's time to take a hike to the beach.
Mary Magdaline is all like: "Bye, bye, boys! Have fun storming the castle!" and they never give a reason why she's staying put. It makes no sense.
Tribute says, you know what? I think I'm in. Tries to stay out of their way, but won't put his sword down because he thinks they're at risk. Simon sneaks up behind him in the dark and gets stuck and wonders why it happened.
WHO DOES THAT?!?!
Everyone agreed Simon was asking for it, and what did he expect if he didn't expend the intelligence God gave a mosquito?
So, the boys are hungry and they get to the beach. There's a boat there.
"Let's fish!" They cry. They they totally take off in this boat.
I look at Mark. "Did they just hijack that boat?"
"One of these guys has a family fishing business here and it's one of their boats."
"But, they don't say that!"
I sit on that for a minute. I turn to Marks mom.
"Did they just hijack that boat?"
"Buncha crooks!"
We both start giggling. I'm sure everyone was scandalized because they hadn't gotten any fish yet and were kind of starving. Then Jesus does a fishy drive-by and everyone is happy again. (These are a terribly cheerful group of guys!)
He hangs out for a few days, preforms a miracle, and everyone is temporarily out of everyone else's hair when Mr. Fancy Boat comes to visit, so everyone is happy.
It wasn't painful. It wasn't preachy. It wasn't gilded history. Everyone acted like real people. It wasn't dramatic.
Seriously, of all of the stupid religious movies I've had to watch, this one didn't bug the shit out of me.
I wouldn't mind seeing the further adventures of the the Disciples. I imagine it being very hobbity. They really were all cute and terribly enthusiastic.
The whole theater was filled with elderly, serious-looking people.
Movie starts. Its a guy telling a tavern keeper how the eff he got there. So the story starts.
Poor Tribute goes through nearly the whole thing with a split lip. I'm not sure it was necissary.
In comes Tom. Introduced as Lucius. Says he's in the position because the guy in charge knows his father.
I may have started giggling.
Crucifixion wasn't dramatic and over the top. Still winced a lot. Mark was horrified at primitive body disposal. Was even more horrified at exhumation. I asked him what else they were supposed to do, genuinely bewildered.
Sometimes it freaks out my husband that I scream for him when I see a scary unidentified bug, but I'm ok with this because you know what to expect.
Anyway, Jewish leaders show up. I'm sure it was how they dressed at the time, but did EVERY single native person that wasn't a disciple have to have a giant, hooked honker? Like, EVERY last person? I started wondering if they were prosthetics.
For the record, I like noses like that and have a nose fetish, so when these guys showed up I was so distracted I have NO idea what went on in scenes with them.
It's not my fault. I'm wired that way. I even love bushy eyebrows.
So, eventually, they find Bartholomew, who is like the HOTTEST hottie that has ever hotted. It was ridiculous. I was not the only woman in that theater that perked up, we were in the back, I saw everyone sit up.
Mary Magdaline is adorable. That's when the men sat up LOL!
So, they find all of the disciples and Jesus and all of them are preposterously good-looking. Like Peter Jackson Dwarf Level Unexpectedly Hot. I start giggling again.
Jesus fades. Everyone freaks out. They claim he does this from time to time and not to freak. It's time to take a hike to the beach.
Mary Magdaline is all like: "Bye, bye, boys! Have fun storming the castle!" and they never give a reason why she's staying put. It makes no sense.
Tribute says, you know what? I think I'm in. Tries to stay out of their way, but won't put his sword down because he thinks they're at risk. Simon sneaks up behind him in the dark and gets stuck and wonders why it happened.
WHO DOES THAT?!?!
Everyone agreed Simon was asking for it, and what did he expect if he didn't expend the intelligence God gave a mosquito?
So, the boys are hungry and they get to the beach. There's a boat there.
"Let's fish!" They cry. They they totally take off in this boat.
I look at Mark. "Did they just hijack that boat?"
"One of these guys has a family fishing business here and it's one of their boats."
"But, they don't say that!"
I sit on that for a minute. I turn to Marks mom.
"Did they just hijack that boat?"
"Buncha crooks!"
We both start giggling. I'm sure everyone was scandalized because they hadn't gotten any fish yet and were kind of starving. Then Jesus does a fishy drive-by and everyone is happy again. (These are a terribly cheerful group of guys!)
He hangs out for a few days, preforms a miracle, and everyone is temporarily out of everyone else's hair when Mr. Fancy Boat comes to visit, so everyone is happy.
It wasn't painful. It wasn't preachy. It wasn't gilded history. Everyone acted like real people. It wasn't dramatic.
Seriously, of all of the stupid religious movies I've had to watch, this one didn't bug the shit out of me.
I wouldn't mind seeing the further adventures of the the Disciples. I imagine it being very hobbity. They really were all cute and terribly enthusiastic.