soul searching
i've been struggling with how happy i really am out here... its been really tough being away from all of my family and friends that i've grown up with and i've come across a lot of shady people here in l.a. so it becomes a constant struggle to keep my head up....
but honestly i should be so thankful and happy for all i've done. i am living thousands of miles away from everything i am familiar with in a busy and beautiful town... today was gorgeous and it amazes me sometimes to just sit back and say "i live in california." i can only name a handful of ppl from florida who have had the balls to do what i have done! i've traveled and i've managed to live on my own for so long! its been 6 years since i moved out of my mother's home... and not only have i graduated college since then and paid for it on my own, but i have managed to survive everything that has been thrown at me! i may not have a car or a job that i love, but i live with a wonderful guy who loves me for all my faults and imperfections and who is working his ass off towards our future! i can pay my bills every month and i have food in my stomach.
im not saying that i dont need the people back home that i dearly miss and wish i could live near again, but i am able to do this on my own and my happiness shouldn't rely completely on who is in the same town as me... chris ask me last night if i hated it here... in tears my reply was "yes." but that shouldn't be my answer... i have so many good things here and its not a horrible place... anywhere that you are is what you make of it. so maybe im taking things for granted and not living here to its fullest! i don't need to rely on others to make me happy! i am a strong and independent woman and i need to start acting that way again, and stop feeling sorry for myself and the circumstances i have come across... i may not be married to the man i thought was the one, or having a baby just yet... but i am ok with how things have unfolded and im going to continue with being ok with everything that comes my way! my life is pretty good and noone can take that away from me except myself...
"happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within. It is not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which makes us happy; it is that which we think and feel and do, first for the other fellow and then for ourselves." ~> Helen Keller
but honestly i should be so thankful and happy for all i've done. i am living thousands of miles away from everything i am familiar with in a busy and beautiful town... today was gorgeous and it amazes me sometimes to just sit back and say "i live in california." i can only name a handful of ppl from florida who have had the balls to do what i have done! i've traveled and i've managed to live on my own for so long! its been 6 years since i moved out of my mother's home... and not only have i graduated college since then and paid for it on my own, but i have managed to survive everything that has been thrown at me! i may not have a car or a job that i love, but i live with a wonderful guy who loves me for all my faults and imperfections and who is working his ass off towards our future! i can pay my bills every month and i have food in my stomach.
im not saying that i dont need the people back home that i dearly miss and wish i could live near again, but i am able to do this on my own and my happiness shouldn't rely completely on who is in the same town as me... chris ask me last night if i hated it here... in tears my reply was "yes." but that shouldn't be my answer... i have so many good things here and its not a horrible place... anywhere that you are is what you make of it. so maybe im taking things for granted and not living here to its fullest! i don't need to rely on others to make me happy! i am a strong and independent woman and i need to start acting that way again, and stop feeling sorry for myself and the circumstances i have come across... i may not be married to the man i thought was the one, or having a baby just yet... but i am ok with how things have unfolded and im going to continue with being ok with everything that comes my way! my life is pretty good and noone can take that away from me except myself...
"happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within. It is not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which makes us happy; it is that which we think and feel and do, first for the other fellow and then for ourselves." ~> Helen Keller