I did some research on The Gay last night
It was a lot more fun that I would have thought. Professors Snape and Lupin, I know I should have asked you before-hand, but how do you feel about this as being an extra-credit research essay?
The Gay, known by the magical name homosexualis instantaneous, is a semi-rare contagious magical malady, once extremely rare and well contained, it has become more common in recent years. Some speculate that this is due to a decrease in immediate diagnosis and a general failure of new muggle-borns to be aware of the medical nature of the disease, caused by greater acceptence of genuine homosexuality and homosexual behavior.
There is no known treatment for The Gay. Most magical attempts at treatment have generally resulted in making the patient asexual or a baby otter. The connexion between baby otters and The Gay is not yet understood, though it is conjectured that such an explantion might hold the cure to the disease.
The only cure for The Gay is time, and The Gay is always temporary. The vast majority of cases of The Gay affect the afflicted for anywhere from a week to a month before the body's immune system and magical field cure the disease naturally, though The Gay decreases in infectiousness in the final days of the infection.
The primary symptom of The Gay is an unnatural attraction towards the same sex and a decreased interest in the opposite sex, though secondary, gender specific symptoms of The Gay are not uncommon. Often, wizards will experience a heightened concern for fashion, interior design, hair product and the state of their personal appearance; as well as an inexplicable urge to clean while smoking slims, drinking frilly drinks and listening to show tunes. In some cases, wizards experience faster body hair growth and an unnatural interest in leather. Common secondary symptoms in witches include increased body hair, a sudden affinity for plaid, the inability to spell 'woman' without a 'y' and frequent blabbering about menstural cycles and herbal remedies. Look, that's what the books say. Please don't bleed out of your uterus at me.
The Gay is contagious, and is commonly transmitted through kissing, sharing beverages and utensils with or other exchange of bodily fluids with (known by the technical term 'indirect kissing') someone infected with The Gay, and toilet seats that have recently been used by someone with The Gay. The chances of transmission of The Gay through kissing are decreased in cases of same-sex kissing if the uninfected person leaps back, wipes away their mouth and any other parts of the body touched with carrier's lips while making disgusted sounds and calling the carrier a 'bloody shirt-lifter', 'fucking poof' or 'goddamn faggot'. I think the last one has something to do with a yankee muggle belief that their god does not like to smoke. Who knows what the bloody hell that's all about?
The Gay does not infect those who are already homosexual by nature and only rarely affects bisexuals, and contrary to myth, these individuals can't function as carriers for the disease.
Some common myths about The Gay:
Myth: Only wizards can get The Gay.
Fact: Witches can get The Gay as well. Most inhuman magical beasts and beings are immune, however. As are muggles.
Myth: Wizards must catch The Gay from wizards, and witches must catch The Gay from witches.
Fact: This is just wrong.
Myth: Catching The Gay is a choice, or the effects of The Gay are. People affected with The Gay just aren't trying hard enough to be straight.
Fact: The Gay is a disease, you have no more choice about whether you will catch The Gay than you have a choice about whether you will catch a cold. You can take precautions, like toilet-papering all toilet seats before using them, but saying 'I won't be Gayed' isn't one of them.
Myth: All homosexual dispositions are a result of genetic and/or pre-natal enviromental factors, The Gay is a myth.
Fact: You're a fucking moron. Take it from me, The Gay is very real. It's well documented, as well. For example, the same 'treatments' used on those infected The Gay that turn patients into otters, when used on natural homosexuals or unaffected wizards have no effect. You can't beat otters, as far as proof goes.
Myth: Masturbation causes The Gay.
Fact: If this were true, the Wizarding World would have died out long ago. The Gay can only be picked up from others infected with The Gay. Or toilet seats. Why the bloody hell don't they clean the toilet seats on the Hogwarts Express? That's disgusting.
Myth: Homosexuals are just permanent cases of The Gay.
Fact: Remember the otter? This is bullshit.
Myth: The Gay always turns witches into bull dykes and wizards into dandies.
Fact: Often, but not always.
Myth: The Gay is very rare.
Fact: One in ten wizards and witches will get The Gay at some point in their lives.
Myth: If wizards have anal sex while infected with The Gay, they'll stay gay for the rest of your life.
Fact: Clinical trials show this is not true. Ditto for kissing the same sex and enjoying it while infected with The Gay, oral sex with the same sex while infected with The Gay and all other sexual interactions while infected with The Gay.
Myth: If you share a glass of water with someone infected with The Gay and you don't catch The Gay, you're homosexual or bisexual.
Fact: Okay, you might want to worry, but the chance of infection with The Gay is less than 100% and varies by method. Sharing of drinks with those who aren't really gross and don't do massive backwash, for example, has a less than 50% chance of infection, while open-mouthed kissing has a nearly 90% chance of infection.
Myth: If you've been infected with The Gay once, you're immune forever.
Fact: While the body generally develops an immunity to particular strands of The Gay, there are a number of variations of The Gay, and often an immunity to one will not translate to an immunity to the other.
The Gay, known by the magical name homosexualis instantaneous, is a semi-rare contagious magical malady, once extremely rare and well contained, it has become more common in recent years. Some speculate that this is due to a decrease in immediate diagnosis and a general failure of new muggle-borns to be aware of the medical nature of the disease, caused by greater acceptence of genuine homosexuality and homosexual behavior.
There is no known treatment for The Gay. Most magical attempts at treatment have generally resulted in making the patient asexual or a baby otter. The connexion between baby otters and The Gay is not yet understood, though it is conjectured that such an explantion might hold the cure to the disease.
The only cure for The Gay is time, and The Gay is always temporary. The vast majority of cases of The Gay affect the afflicted for anywhere from a week to a month before the body's immune system and magical field cure the disease naturally, though The Gay decreases in infectiousness in the final days of the infection.
The primary symptom of The Gay is an unnatural attraction towards the same sex and a decreased interest in the opposite sex, though secondary, gender specific symptoms of The Gay are not uncommon. Often, wizards will experience a heightened concern for fashion, interior design, hair product and the state of their personal appearance; as well as an inexplicable urge to clean while smoking slims, drinking frilly drinks and listening to show tunes. In some cases, wizards experience faster body hair growth and an unnatural interest in leather. Common secondary symptoms in witches include increased body hair, a sudden affinity for plaid, the inability to spell 'woman' without a 'y' and frequent blabbering about menstural cycles and herbal remedies. Look, that's what the books say. Please don't bleed out of your uterus at me.
The Gay is contagious, and is commonly transmitted through kissing, sharing beverages and utensils with or other exchange of bodily fluids with (known by the technical term 'indirect kissing') someone infected with The Gay, and toilet seats that have recently been used by someone with The Gay. The chances of transmission of The Gay through kissing are decreased in cases of same-sex kissing if the uninfected person leaps back, wipes away their mouth and any other parts of the body touched with carrier's lips while making disgusted sounds and calling the carrier a 'bloody shirt-lifter', 'fucking poof' or 'goddamn faggot'. I think the last one has something to do with a yankee muggle belief that their god does not like to smoke. Who knows what the bloody hell that's all about?
The Gay does not infect those who are already homosexual by nature and only rarely affects bisexuals, and contrary to myth, these individuals can't function as carriers for the disease.
Some common myths about The Gay:
Myth: Only wizards can get The Gay.
Fact: Witches can get The Gay as well. Most inhuman magical beasts and beings are immune, however. As are muggles.
Myth: Wizards must catch The Gay from wizards, and witches must catch The Gay from witches.
Fact: This is just wrong.
Myth: Catching The Gay is a choice, or the effects of The Gay are. People affected with The Gay just aren't trying hard enough to be straight.
Fact: The Gay is a disease, you have no more choice about whether you will catch The Gay than you have a choice about whether you will catch a cold. You can take precautions, like toilet-papering all toilet seats before using them, but saying 'I won't be Gayed' isn't one of them.
Myth: All homosexual dispositions are a result of genetic and/or pre-natal enviromental factors, The Gay is a myth.
Fact: You're a fucking moron. Take it from me, The Gay is very real. It's well documented, as well. For example, the same 'treatments' used on those infected The Gay that turn patients into otters, when used on natural homosexuals or unaffected wizards have no effect. You can't beat otters, as far as proof goes.
Myth: Masturbation causes The Gay.
Fact: If this were true, the Wizarding World would have died out long ago. The Gay can only be picked up from others infected with The Gay. Or toilet seats. Why the bloody hell don't they clean the toilet seats on the Hogwarts Express? That's disgusting.
Myth: Homosexuals are just permanent cases of The Gay.
Fact: Remember the otter? This is bullshit.
Myth: The Gay always turns witches into bull dykes and wizards into dandies.
Fact: Often, but not always.
Myth: The Gay is very rare.
Fact: One in ten wizards and witches will get The Gay at some point in their lives.
Myth: If wizards have anal sex while infected with The Gay, they'll stay gay for the rest of your life.
Fact: Clinical trials show this is not true. Ditto for kissing the same sex and enjoying it while infected with The Gay, oral sex with the same sex while infected with The Gay and all other sexual interactions while infected with The Gay.
Myth: If you share a glass of water with someone infected with The Gay and you don't catch The Gay, you're homosexual or bisexual.
Fact: Okay, you might want to worry, but the chance of infection with The Gay is less than 100% and varies by method. Sharing of drinks with those who aren't really gross and don't do massive backwash, for example, has a less than 50% chance of infection, while open-mouthed kissing has a nearly 90% chance of infection.
Myth: If you've been infected with The Gay once, you're immune forever.
Fact: While the body generally develops an immunity to particular strands of The Gay, there are a number of variations of The Gay, and often an immunity to one will not translate to an immunity to the other.