Transition
So it went....another 12 months gone past and another year closer to death is upon us....
At the stroke of midnight i am tuned into bbc scotland with a soft drink in my hand and a sharp kick from my stomach indicates my baby knows its new year...welcome 2005
January
The first due date i was given was for the 22nd of january so the countdown begins for the patter of tiny feet, as my bump grows me n paul falter and grow distant and i start to wonder if this year is going to have as much heartache n tears as it will joys n smiles.
The 22nd arrives and no baby, on the 23rd i start havin contractions and go to the hospital, but i'm told its just brixton hicks and i'll be fine just to hang on for my second due date which is the 10th of february
Paul goes home complaining because he had to leave jak's party and his xbox for a false labour, i cant help but resent him, here i am feeling the size of a house and all he can worry about is his computer.
February
10 days and i should have this baby is all i can think however come the 8th of february i have to go to the hospital for a check up and i am told if the baby isn't here by the 10th they will leave me until the 22nd for induction...i get panicked and feel like screaming. Paul seems less than excited and i feel miserable.
On the 9th i drink castor oil and orange juice and dead on 12.00am 10th of february i start getting contractions. I finally go for a bath at 3am and everythin stops i feel really disappointed and decide to get some sleep.
Just as i start to drift off i am woken with an almighty pain and realise that i am in labour , at 5.30am i make my way to the hospital and i'm told that yes i am in labour....Thank fuckin god!!!
After 10 and a half hours i deliver mckenzii johanna whitwell into the world and realise within seconds as i stare at her life will never be the same.NEVER again.
March
After settling into mother hood, me and paul celebrate our 1 year anniversary, nothing major just cards pressies and a nice evening together. We've grown a little closer since Mckenzii's been born but we rarely stay with each other and i deeply miss what we had together at the start of our relationship. I feel utterly and miserably homesick all i want is to go back to scotland, settle down with paul and raise my daughter. Julz comes down to visit and we go out and i realise that havin a baby doesnt mean i cant have a life. When she leaves i feel utterly destroyed. At the end of the month i take mckenzii to scotland to meet her pappy (my dad) and uncle lewis, bein home makes it so hard to return to nottingham...
April
Life seems to be kickin me in the teeth, the house that me my daughter my mom n my stepdad are renting is bein sold and we have 6 weeks to move out, this means we are moving back to scotland which i am happy about , but i dont want to leave paul and i realise i shall miss him more than i ever thought. On the 16th of April i move back to scotland and pray paul keeps his word to join me when he finishes college.
May
Me and Paul break up at the very start of may and i feel like everythin has gone upside down, a long walk on the beach makes me decide i have to get paul face to face before i can be sure he doesnt love me anymore...only then will i believe him. Paul visits and everything goes back to normal.
Julz becomes distant and we stop hangin out, on the 15th she ignores my calls after tellin me she would be round that was the last time i spoke to her.I dont know why she went like that and nor is the need to know still there.
The 16th i travel to nottingham for my uncles wedding and see paul he looks great and life seems that little bit perfect again, i leave the next day with my heart in pieces i want us all back together.
June
I get accepted into college to study make up artistry and sfx. I enrol Mckenzii for nursery and get ready to go and visit nottingham with mckenzii.
After a 6 hour train journey my uncle meets me at the train station and takes me to my nana's paul has no idea i am in nottingham and i go and suprise him the next day, i stay over and its magic...but the next day it goes sour and in the end out of a 13 day stay i only stay 6 days. I come back to scotland feelin deeply depressed and alone after a near miss of a horrid breakup with paul.
I go to the doctor and he tells me the inevitable...yes it has returned and i need to start medication straight away... 2 days on fluxitene and my mom confiscates them...she makes me fight it out.
Start my drivin lessons.
July
I withdraw mckenzii from the nursery i have picked and chose a different one. All of a sudden i feel i am ready to get a house of my own, i've had enough of livin under my mothers roof and her rules.
I go to the council and tell them i need housed by the 27th of august , my mom signs the papers and then all i have to do is wait. All of a sudden paul doesnt seem very sure about movin and our relationship hits teh rocks. I question if we are going to make it...and really contemplate the end.. we get past july barely and i start to question my feelings for him.
Whilst i question how i feel towards paul everyday i look at mckenzii and my heartbreaks i love her so much she can roll around now and swims along the carpet on her belly. She can giggle and break my heart with her smile.
August
Induction for my course starts and i start to question if its what i want to do. On the 20th of august in respect of my 19th birthday me n paul check into the langs hotel in glasgow and spend a romantic evening together. Everything is blissful and i'm so glad we got through the barracks.
The 21st rolls round and i turn 19, its strange lookin at the tv and seein a birthday card for me sayin "to my mommy"
Paul leaves on the 22nd and i start college full time on the 23rd really like the course but hate mckenzii bein in nursery especially wen her clothes go missin and she comes home without a vest on. I call the nursery but they say shes coming on fine.
I get told i will get the keys to my house on the 12th of september as work is being done. I cant wait.
September
Get the keys for the house and everythin is great, settle in really well and paul visits, have the girls round for drinks and get the phone in and choose wallpaper and stuff!! i feel like its a dream.
Pick mckenzii up from nursery and i'm told she sat up unaided, feel so upset that i missed it and start to hate college final straw is when i pick her up and she hasnt been changed all day, i withdraw from college and take mckenzii out of nursery, with no evidence i cant do anything but i am so angry as the nursery is one of the best in the area.
Paul visits and i tell him if he doesnt tell me when he is movin in with me he is going back home single. He says the end of october yet i'm doubtful.
October
Start realising i am bored and do work on teh side, develop a serious shoppin habit and am so grateful to my mom for payin for my drivin lessons as i can secretly shop till my hearts content without worryin i have no money for drivin.
Paul moves up the end of october and gets a job within 2 days. I really miss him all day but start spendin alot of time with my mom.
Have a nite out with the girlies and get in a fight...had to be done i'd behaved for too long.
November
I fail my theory test and i'm positively gutted. I'm told my reactions are too quick. I'd have thought that a good thing.
Mckenzii starts pullin herself up on things and crawlin properly all round the place, she can say dada,nana,papa and boo. She calls her dummy a nini and she is gettin more beautiful by the day.
Me and paul argue a lot more over house work, guess its bettr than money.
Start christmas shopping which is fuuuuuuuuuun coz its mckenzii's 1st xmas.
Paul turns 18 on the 24th and his mom visits. We have a nice dinner and some cake as he's knackered from work and go to bed at 9pm.
December
Me and paul cant seem to stop arguing i start to question if he really wants to be here and then he hits me with the bomb taht he wants to go to nottingham for new year and assumes i wont want to go.We have a blazing row and i consider walking out and leaving him to deal with a house and mckenzii and keepin it all together. Paul calms me down and we start working at things.
His mom says she will pay his ticket to nottingham so i have to face facts that he's goin, initial fear that he wont come back is runnin through my veins.
20th comes and my mom tells me some bad news, i also have my tehory test and with the news i have just received i make the same reaction as before and fail again...i really dont care this time and decide after xmas i will do it again.
Xmas day arrives and everything is great. Mckenzii opens her presents and she can really get around now. Get lots of nice things and spend the day split between my parents which is actually nice as i dnt usually get to see them both on xmas day.
Paul goes away to nottingham on the 28th and i feel lost. I spend alot of time with my girlies and come the 30th i am in party mode.
New Years Ever
Arm in arm with my girlies i head for the metro and come 11.50pm i am ready to say goodbye to 2005 as the bells chime the club goes mental and its a non-stop party till 3am...wishin everyone from school a happy new year and bringin the new year in with new friends is brilliant. Have a longing ache to be with paul and wish he was there.
1st january 2006
So here i am new year...new me?? in 5weeks my little girl turns one in 2 days paul should return whether or not he does is left to be answered only then....so thats that, i said goodbye and hello to 2006...lets see what this year holds for me.
At the stroke of midnight i am tuned into bbc scotland with a soft drink in my hand and a sharp kick from my stomach indicates my baby knows its new year...welcome 2005
January
The first due date i was given was for the 22nd of january so the countdown begins for the patter of tiny feet, as my bump grows me n paul falter and grow distant and i start to wonder if this year is going to have as much heartache n tears as it will joys n smiles.
The 22nd arrives and no baby, on the 23rd i start havin contractions and go to the hospital, but i'm told its just brixton hicks and i'll be fine just to hang on for my second due date which is the 10th of february
Paul goes home complaining because he had to leave jak's party and his xbox for a false labour, i cant help but resent him, here i am feeling the size of a house and all he can worry about is his computer.
February
10 days and i should have this baby is all i can think however come the 8th of february i have to go to the hospital for a check up and i am told if the baby isn't here by the 10th they will leave me until the 22nd for induction...i get panicked and feel like screaming. Paul seems less than excited and i feel miserable.
On the 9th i drink castor oil and orange juice and dead on 12.00am 10th of february i start getting contractions. I finally go for a bath at 3am and everythin stops i feel really disappointed and decide to get some sleep.
Just as i start to drift off i am woken with an almighty pain and realise that i am in labour , at 5.30am i make my way to the hospital and i'm told that yes i am in labour....Thank fuckin god!!!
After 10 and a half hours i deliver mckenzii johanna whitwell into the world and realise within seconds as i stare at her life will never be the same.NEVER again.
March
After settling into mother hood, me and paul celebrate our 1 year anniversary, nothing major just cards pressies and a nice evening together. We've grown a little closer since Mckenzii's been born but we rarely stay with each other and i deeply miss what we had together at the start of our relationship. I feel utterly and miserably homesick all i want is to go back to scotland, settle down with paul and raise my daughter. Julz comes down to visit and we go out and i realise that havin a baby doesnt mean i cant have a life. When she leaves i feel utterly destroyed. At the end of the month i take mckenzii to scotland to meet her pappy (my dad) and uncle lewis, bein home makes it so hard to return to nottingham...
April
Life seems to be kickin me in the teeth, the house that me my daughter my mom n my stepdad are renting is bein sold and we have 6 weeks to move out, this means we are moving back to scotland which i am happy about , but i dont want to leave paul and i realise i shall miss him more than i ever thought. On the 16th of April i move back to scotland and pray paul keeps his word to join me when he finishes college.
May
Me and Paul break up at the very start of may and i feel like everythin has gone upside down, a long walk on the beach makes me decide i have to get paul face to face before i can be sure he doesnt love me anymore...only then will i believe him. Paul visits and everything goes back to normal.
Julz becomes distant and we stop hangin out, on the 15th she ignores my calls after tellin me she would be round that was the last time i spoke to her.I dont know why she went like that and nor is the need to know still there.
The 16th i travel to nottingham for my uncles wedding and see paul he looks great and life seems that little bit perfect again, i leave the next day with my heart in pieces i want us all back together.
June
I get accepted into college to study make up artistry and sfx. I enrol Mckenzii for nursery and get ready to go and visit nottingham with mckenzii.
After a 6 hour train journey my uncle meets me at the train station and takes me to my nana's paul has no idea i am in nottingham and i go and suprise him the next day, i stay over and its magic...but the next day it goes sour and in the end out of a 13 day stay i only stay 6 days. I come back to scotland feelin deeply depressed and alone after a near miss of a horrid breakup with paul.
I go to the doctor and he tells me the inevitable...yes it has returned and i need to start medication straight away... 2 days on fluxitene and my mom confiscates them...she makes me fight it out.
Start my drivin lessons.
July
I withdraw mckenzii from the nursery i have picked and chose a different one. All of a sudden i feel i am ready to get a house of my own, i've had enough of livin under my mothers roof and her rules.
I go to the council and tell them i need housed by the 27th of august , my mom signs the papers and then all i have to do is wait. All of a sudden paul doesnt seem very sure about movin and our relationship hits teh rocks. I question if we are going to make it...and really contemplate the end.. we get past july barely and i start to question my feelings for him.
Whilst i question how i feel towards paul everyday i look at mckenzii and my heartbreaks i love her so much she can roll around now and swims along the carpet on her belly. She can giggle and break my heart with her smile.
August
Induction for my course starts and i start to question if its what i want to do. On the 20th of august in respect of my 19th birthday me n paul check into the langs hotel in glasgow and spend a romantic evening together. Everything is blissful and i'm so glad we got through the barracks.
The 21st rolls round and i turn 19, its strange lookin at the tv and seein a birthday card for me sayin "to my mommy"
Paul leaves on the 22nd and i start college full time on the 23rd really like the course but hate mckenzii bein in nursery especially wen her clothes go missin and she comes home without a vest on. I call the nursery but they say shes coming on fine.
I get told i will get the keys to my house on the 12th of september as work is being done. I cant wait.
September
Get the keys for the house and everythin is great, settle in really well and paul visits, have the girls round for drinks and get the phone in and choose wallpaper and stuff!! i feel like its a dream.
Pick mckenzii up from nursery and i'm told she sat up unaided, feel so upset that i missed it and start to hate college final straw is when i pick her up and she hasnt been changed all day, i withdraw from college and take mckenzii out of nursery, with no evidence i cant do anything but i am so angry as the nursery is one of the best in the area.
Paul visits and i tell him if he doesnt tell me when he is movin in with me he is going back home single. He says the end of october yet i'm doubtful.
October
Start realising i am bored and do work on teh side, develop a serious shoppin habit and am so grateful to my mom for payin for my drivin lessons as i can secretly shop till my hearts content without worryin i have no money for drivin.
Paul moves up the end of october and gets a job within 2 days. I really miss him all day but start spendin alot of time with my mom.
Have a nite out with the girlies and get in a fight...had to be done i'd behaved for too long.
November
I fail my theory test and i'm positively gutted. I'm told my reactions are too quick. I'd have thought that a good thing.
Mckenzii starts pullin herself up on things and crawlin properly all round the place, she can say dada,nana,papa and boo. She calls her dummy a nini and she is gettin more beautiful by the day.
Me and paul argue a lot more over house work, guess its bettr than money.
Start christmas shopping which is fuuuuuuuuuun coz its mckenzii's 1st xmas.
Paul turns 18 on the 24th and his mom visits. We have a nice dinner and some cake as he's knackered from work and go to bed at 9pm.
December
Me and paul cant seem to stop arguing i start to question if he really wants to be here and then he hits me with the bomb taht he wants to go to nottingham for new year and assumes i wont want to go.We have a blazing row and i consider walking out and leaving him to deal with a house and mckenzii and keepin it all together. Paul calms me down and we start working at things.
His mom says she will pay his ticket to nottingham so i have to face facts that he's goin, initial fear that he wont come back is runnin through my veins.
20th comes and my mom tells me some bad news, i also have my tehory test and with the news i have just received i make the same reaction as before and fail again...i really dont care this time and decide after xmas i will do it again.
Xmas day arrives and everything is great. Mckenzii opens her presents and she can really get around now. Get lots of nice things and spend the day split between my parents which is actually nice as i dnt usually get to see them both on xmas day.
Paul goes away to nottingham on the 28th and i feel lost. I spend alot of time with my girlies and come the 30th i am in party mode.
New Years Ever
Arm in arm with my girlies i head for the metro and come 11.50pm i am ready to say goodbye to 2005 as the bells chime the club goes mental and its a non-stop party till 3am...wishin everyone from school a happy new year and bringin the new year in with new friends is brilliant. Have a longing ache to be with paul and wish he was there.
1st january 2006
So here i am new year...new me?? in 5weeks my little girl turns one in 2 days paul should return whether or not he does is left to be answered only then....so thats that, i said goodbye and hello to 2006...lets see what this year holds for me.