Today I would like to discuss a phenomenon I like to call "accidental asshole-ism"
You know who they are. You've seen them before. The douchebags who wear their aviators inside concert venues, the assholes with their huge hater-blockers on as they walk down the sidewalk at 10 PM, the jerks who have their sunglasses on their faces as they chow down in the middle of the cafeteria in the room that has no windows. They might be wearing polos from Ralph Lauren, or shirts from Aéropostale or they might have a huge scarf wrapped around their necks with over skinny jeans and converse sneakers. It doesn't matter. They are proclaiming their asshole-ism for all the world to see. "YES, HELLO" they cry, "I THINK I AM SO IMPORTANT AND COOL THAT I AM GOING TO WEAR THINGS OVER MY EYES THAT WILL MAKE IT DIFFICULT TO SEE THESE WONDERFUL PANCAKES I AM TRYING TO EAT" as you stare at them accusingly across the aisle in IHOP. No one wants to be that person.
Guys. I have a confession to make.
I am that person. On accident.
Now that it is winter here in merry old Wisconsin and the sun sets around 4:30, I suffer more than ever from accidental asshole-ism. When I go to class in the morning it is very bright, and I stumble around blearily ingesting coffee with my sunglasses shielding my eyes so I can pretend I am still asleep, and so the piercing rays of the sun don't blind me. But when I come out, it's dark! Night has fallen! But do I remember that I have my sunglasses on my head/face/person? No. Of course not. And then I walk around with them on and people probably think I'm a giant asshole. I cannot tell you how many times I've been heading back to my dorm at like, 9 o'clock at night, and I'll tuck a piece of hair behind my ear or something and feel the plastic of my sunglasses and go SHIT FUCK NOT AGAIN, JESUS CHRIST.
One very special time, I did this while I was driving. This was back when I still had my aviators too, so I looked even more like a douche than usual. (Then my kids from the park stole them, I think. Either that or I left them somewhere. But I'm betting on the children.) I was driving from Appleton to Green Bay, and when I started it was fairly light outside so I had my sunglasses, but when it got darker I completely forgot to take them off and I could not see a fucking goddamn thing, and since I am me I was being a total moron about it. Oh my god! I thought to myself. What the hell, why can't I see anything? Are my headlights broken? They're usually a lot brighter than this! Oh man I am so fucked, shit shit what the hell is wrong with my car? I slowed down so much people probably thought I was senile.
As previously mentioned in other entries, I have many neurotic driving fears, so I was even more freaked out then I should have been. Finally, as I got into Green Bay and literally was going about 45 miles an hour as I rounded this huge curve to merge onto the highway that goes to my house, I reached up to fiddle with my hair or scratch my nose or something, and that is when I realized how incredibly, incredibly stupid I am. "FUCKITY SHIT GODDAMN BITCH HELL," I said approximately, and took off my sunglasses and started driving like a normal person. Dear everyone behind me on the highway that day: I am so, so sorry. It's so much easier to see without sunglasses on at night, who knew!
My name is Krissy, and I suffer from accidental asshole-ism. Please don't judge me too harshly.
Guys. I have a confession to make.
I am that person. On accident.
Now that it is winter here in merry old Wisconsin and the sun sets around 4:30, I suffer more than ever from accidental asshole-ism. When I go to class in the morning it is very bright, and I stumble around blearily ingesting coffee with my sunglasses shielding my eyes so I can pretend I am still asleep, and so the piercing rays of the sun don't blind me. But when I come out, it's dark! Night has fallen! But do I remember that I have my sunglasses on my head/face/person? No. Of course not. And then I walk around with them on and people probably think I'm a giant asshole. I cannot tell you how many times I've been heading back to my dorm at like, 9 o'clock at night, and I'll tuck a piece of hair behind my ear or something and feel the plastic of my sunglasses and go SHIT FUCK NOT AGAIN, JESUS CHRIST.
One very special time, I did this while I was driving. This was back when I still had my aviators too, so I looked even more like a douche than usual. (Then my kids from the park stole them, I think. Either that or I left them somewhere. But I'm betting on the children.) I was driving from Appleton to Green Bay, and when I started it was fairly light outside so I had my sunglasses, but when it got darker I completely forgot to take them off and I could not see a fucking goddamn thing, and since I am me I was being a total moron about it. Oh my god! I thought to myself. What the hell, why can't I see anything? Are my headlights broken? They're usually a lot brighter than this! Oh man I am so fucked, shit shit what the hell is wrong with my car? I slowed down so much people probably thought I was senile.
As previously mentioned in other entries, I have many neurotic driving fears, so I was even more freaked out then I should have been. Finally, as I got into Green Bay and literally was going about 45 miles an hour as I rounded this huge curve to merge onto the highway that goes to my house, I reached up to fiddle with my hair or scratch my nose or something, and that is when I realized how incredibly, incredibly stupid I am. "FUCKITY SHIT GODDAMN BITCH HELL," I said approximately, and took off my sunglasses and started driving like a normal person. Dear everyone behind me on the highway that day: I am so, so sorry. It's so much easier to see without sunglasses on at night, who knew!
My name is Krissy, and I suffer from accidental asshole-ism. Please don't judge me too harshly.