Expansion: *Leather codpieces and needing to bleach one's brain
Or, why I shouldn't watch summer TV.
So, over the summer, NBC had this show called Hit Me Baby One More Time.
No, it did not have anything to do with that blonde bimbette. What it did have to do with was humiliating former popular music acts by showing how fat and jowly they are and how they no longer have music careers and letting a bunch of 18 year olds who have never heard of them hear them sing one of their old hits and then do a cover of someone's current top 40 pap, and then vote on who was the best act of the night.
I only saw this one episode, but I will remember it forever.
The stars they had competing were: Sophie B. Hawkins, Irene Cara, Howard Jones, Cameo and Wang Chung.
Now, Sophie is a bit more recent than everyone else, and therefore hasn't aged so much. Musical performance completely aside, um, she's HOT. And she kept taking her clothes off. I kinda wanted her to win just so she'd keep taking her clothes off. Mmmm, yummy. She did "Damn, I wish I was your lover" (yes, I do!!!) and that annoying Five for Fighting song that's in all those commercials.
Howard Jones did "No One Is To Blame" and covered Dido's "White Flag" very respectably. He has lost most of his hair and actually looks like a very tiny John Lithgow now. I wasn't so much expecting that. but it did make me realize that I'd never had a good look at his face before.
Irene Cara ended up winning, and I'm not very sure why. She was inoffensive, but that was all. Oh, and now she has a band called Hot Caramel (hahah, get it? Cara? Caramel?...eh.) Whatever.
Now, i have GOT to take my hat off to Cameo. The brothers were up there rocking their high-top fades and leather codpieces.
See, there's a thing about making a fashion statement. Leather codpieces are, naturally, in very questionable taste to begin with. But often, all it really takes to pull off a fashion risk is the sheer balls (pardon the pun) to do it at all. And you know, if you decide leather codpieces are your thing, if you want anyone to respect you at ALL, you cannot act like that shit was a mistake. You are obligated to stand by it. I mean, if they'd come out in suits or something and were all blushy and embarrased about what they were wearing 20 years ago, that would have been pathetic. But they come out there, all old and everything, in the leather codpieces, like, "That's right. Goddamn LEATHER CODPIECES and how do you like that??" I hope I am one day as cool as you, gentlemen.
And now to the issue of Wang Chung.
So, they're all middle aged and paunchy and jowly, and that's okay, it happens. And they came out and did "Everybody Have Fun Tonight", and it was all well and good. Until they finish and the host guy asks them what their cover tune is going to be and they say, "Hot in Herre" by Nelly.
And I'm thinking, "No, dudes, really...what?"
But they come back from the commercial break, and I discover, to my infinite horror, that they are not shitting me.
They have some scantily clad black female backup dancers, and then Jack Hues opens his mouth and "good gracious ass is bodacious" comes out of it, and all I can do is stare frozen in horror as a stream of things that should never EVER come out of a jowly middle aged white Englishman spew from his lips.
I have never wanted to gouge my own eyes out so badly in my life. I don't know what was wrong with me. I was sitting just a couple of feet from the TV, and I had remote in hand, and I simply could not tear my eyes away from the horror. I just hope, for the sake of all mankind, that it never happens again.
So, over the summer, NBC had this show called Hit Me Baby One More Time.
No, it did not have anything to do with that blonde bimbette. What it did have to do with was humiliating former popular music acts by showing how fat and jowly they are and how they no longer have music careers and letting a bunch of 18 year olds who have never heard of them hear them sing one of their old hits and then do a cover of someone's current top 40 pap, and then vote on who was the best act of the night.
I only saw this one episode, but I will remember it forever.
The stars they had competing were: Sophie B. Hawkins, Irene Cara, Howard Jones, Cameo and Wang Chung.
Now, Sophie is a bit more recent than everyone else, and therefore hasn't aged so much. Musical performance completely aside, um, she's HOT. And she kept taking her clothes off. I kinda wanted her to win just so she'd keep taking her clothes off. Mmmm, yummy. She did "Damn, I wish I was your lover" (yes, I do!!!) and that annoying Five for Fighting song that's in all those commercials.
Howard Jones did "No One Is To Blame" and covered Dido's "White Flag" very respectably. He has lost most of his hair and actually looks like a very tiny John Lithgow now. I wasn't so much expecting that. but it did make me realize that I'd never had a good look at his face before.
Irene Cara ended up winning, and I'm not very sure why. She was inoffensive, but that was all. Oh, and now she has a band called Hot Caramel (hahah, get it? Cara? Caramel?...eh.) Whatever.
Now, i have GOT to take my hat off to Cameo. The brothers were up there rocking their high-top fades and leather codpieces.
See, there's a thing about making a fashion statement. Leather codpieces are, naturally, in very questionable taste to begin with. But often, all it really takes to pull off a fashion risk is the sheer balls (pardon the pun) to do it at all. And you know, if you decide leather codpieces are your thing, if you want anyone to respect you at ALL, you cannot act like that shit was a mistake. You are obligated to stand by it. I mean, if they'd come out in suits or something and were all blushy and embarrased about what they were wearing 20 years ago, that would have been pathetic. But they come out there, all old and everything, in the leather codpieces, like, "That's right. Goddamn LEATHER CODPIECES and how do you like that??" I hope I am one day as cool as you, gentlemen.
And now to the issue of Wang Chung.
So, they're all middle aged and paunchy and jowly, and that's okay, it happens. And they came out and did "Everybody Have Fun Tonight", and it was all well and good. Until they finish and the host guy asks them what their cover tune is going to be and they say, "Hot in Herre" by Nelly.
And I'm thinking, "No, dudes, really...what?"
But they come back from the commercial break, and I discover, to my infinite horror, that they are not shitting me.
They have some scantily clad black female backup dancers, and then Jack Hues opens his mouth and "good gracious ass is bodacious" comes out of it, and all I can do is stare frozen in horror as a stream of things that should never EVER come out of a jowly middle aged white Englishman spew from his lips.
I have never wanted to gouge my own eyes out so badly in my life. I don't know what was wrong with me. I was sitting just a couple of feet from the TV, and I had remote in hand, and I simply could not tear my eyes away from the horror. I just hope, for the sake of all mankind, that it never happens again.