(no subject)
I feel like a different person when I go out. Especially with co-workers. It's a charade I've been playing for quite some time now, and I think I've gotten pretty good at it. It's getting harder to tell when I'm being me and when I'm pretending.
I drink. To excess sometimes. It's liquid courage. It makes me think I'm charming (but really I'm just louder and more obnoxious). I'm on autopilot when drunk. I ask questions to keep the conversation going, not giving a damn what the answer is and only paying enough attention to make sure I don't repeat myself. It's so easy. People love to talk about themselves.
Going out to bars still feels uncomfortable to me. I like it when guys check me out. But I'm repulsed by how shallow people are. I don' t know how to reconcile these two seemingly contradictory feelings, so I act like a total bitch if any guy is brave enough to make a move. I feel bad about it... sometimes.
Last night I crashed with a friend of a co-worker I barely knew. 3am found us on the roof of his condo. I was shivering from the cool night air. He put his arms around me protectively, and I leaned against his chest. It felt wonderful to be held like that. But I felt a twinge of guilt. My thoughts were of someone else.
I drink. To excess sometimes. It's liquid courage. It makes me think I'm charming (but really I'm just louder and more obnoxious). I'm on autopilot when drunk. I ask questions to keep the conversation going, not giving a damn what the answer is and only paying enough attention to make sure I don't repeat myself. It's so easy. People love to talk about themselves.
Going out to bars still feels uncomfortable to me. I like it when guys check me out. But I'm repulsed by how shallow people are. I don' t know how to reconcile these two seemingly contradictory feelings, so I act like a total bitch if any guy is brave enough to make a move. I feel bad about it... sometimes.
Last night I crashed with a friend of a co-worker I barely knew. 3am found us on the roof of his condo. I was shivering from the cool night air. He put his arms around me protectively, and I leaned against his chest. It felt wonderful to be held like that. But I felt a twinge of guilt. My thoughts were of someone else.