Cry, If, Sorry, Last
Characters/Pairing: Tim Curran/Laura Reilly
Word Count: 1,192
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Fills for the One Word Prompts by bellakitse (sorry), hereforsolong (if), mercscilla (cry & last), now this is all 4 prompts smushed into 1 but it's mostly CRY.
A/N: A quick fill. Enjoy, I enjoyed writing it :)
She comes to slowly, her sleep plagued with images of ice and water. She reaches out sleepily for the person she ought to be sharing a bed with. Her hands fall deftly to the space on her left-the space he’d taken after their many tumbles-and feels an ache in her chest that hurts more than it should. He’s gone out again, off to play a game at Boylan’s. He’s left her again for a card game. She should be angry. But instead she’s fighting the urge to cry. She rolls onto his side and pulls the covers up over her bare form and considers putting some clothes on. She doesn’t bother, just stares at the dark outline of the shutters. It isn’t late, maybe eleven. She vaguely remembers falling asleep at nine...He hadn’t even stayed twenty minutes with her. She’d nodded off easily; exhausted from the day and head abuzz with the endorphins from the two times he threw her over the edge. She frowns; his scent assaulting her she closes her eyes against the sting as she recalls an earlier conversation between them.
She’s lying contentedly in his arms, using his chest as a pillow. They’re both coming down from their sex induced highs and she’s tracing lazy patterns over his chest with her hands. She can tell he’s going to leave soon; it’s almost time for his game.
“Tim?” She says quietly propping herself up on her elbows.
“Yeah, Laura?” He brushes a stray curl behind her ear and she smiles a little without it reaching her eyes.
“I want you to stop playing.” They’ve talked about it before; he doesn’t want to be nose deep in debt to Boylan, he wants to buy her a ring. Not an engagement ring, but a step behind that. He’s a sentimental bastard and she knows it. She wants him to stop so she can share a bed with him like they did in the freshest part of their ‘relationship’. She hasn’t told him how much him leaving her alone in his bed hurts, but he senses as much. But...
“Babe, I can pay him back, I feel lucky tonight. I’ll be out of it soon.” She can see that he’s lying to himself.
“You’ll go back. You always go back.” He leans up to meet her mouth in a chaste kiss.
“I always come back to you too.” She smiles a little, but again it doesn’t reach her eyes.
“Yeah, I think I’m healthier for you than gambling.” She half grumbles it, and grits her teeth when he extracts himself from her and swings his legs over the side of the bed. She lies back down limply, feeling deflated.
“Tim.” There’s a twinge of annoyance and a twinge of begging in her voice and he looks as if he might just stay. For one moment she gets her hopes up; reaches out and smoothes her palm over his back, half coaxing him to lie back down. Her hopes are dashed when he stands up, she fights and wins her battle against the frustrated tears that want to fall but she lets him go; let’s the frustration and anger boil up.
“Dammit, Tim!” She exclaims sitting up and slamming her fists into the mattress. He looks at her apologetically as he dresses.
“I want you in my bed. I don’t want to wake up alone when you go out. I want a warm body next to me so I don’t dream about Alaska. I want you to stop playing cards!” Her voice is raised and he’s just finished pulling on his boots. His expression is sombre as he looks at her; he knows about Alaska and a wave of guilt hits him knowing how bad it had been for her there. He sends her another apologetic look before picking up his armoured jacket and gun and makes his way to the door. She lets out an exasperated growl and extricates herself from the sheets before quickly finding something to throw at him. She finds her boot and it misses his head by a foot and collides with the wall. She growls again stomping her foot.
“I love you, Laura.” He says low, she hears it.
“Don’t fucking come back, Tim Curran? This is fucking ridiculous!” She picks up a water glass and throws it down shattering it. Her growl comes out as more of a sobs and she falls back onto the bed burying herself under the covers.
He always did come back. She curses her inability to steal her emotions down as adequately as Lieutenant Washington, and then finds herself contradicting herself because the Lieutenant had seen Somalia, and that was a place where emotions were stripped from you. Fear, Anger, Panic, and Indifference usually remained, The Lieutenant and Commander had regained some of the others but...She’d seen Alaska and North Korea, and hell if it wasn’t enough to drown her damn emotions, hold her wall up. It was him he broke down her walls and made her feel like a woman.
That’s why she lets herself cry now. Maybe if she hadn’t let him manipulate her feelings they she wouldn’t be in this mess. She wouldn’t have a breaking heart because of a man more committed to a game of cards than he was to her. Maybe if she’d been stronger, had more resolve when it came to telling him no he’d be here. If she’d cuffed him to the bed, instead of he her...If if if if if. She doesn’t feel like lying to herself so she just lets the salty liquid coat her cheeks and a few quiet sobs shake her shoulders.
She’s been dozing a while, thoroughly cried out, when she feels his arms encircle her. Her breath catches and he presses a kiss to the base of her neck before settling in behind her.
“Your hands are cold.” She whispers, not sure what else to say. He hasn’t returned to bed after leaving for a game in so long.
“I’m getting out, Laur.” He says, pulling her back flush against his chest. She hums at the warmth, it’s involuntary and it sends an ache through his chest; he doesn’t want ruin what they have more that he’s already ruined it, figures he’s going somewhere with what he’s done...Something to fix this.
“I’m sorry, Laura, but I have a way out. It won’t be long.” He kisses her cheek and they settle into a comfortable position. She falls asleep so fast; she always does when he’s holding her. He hates that she feels so safe, hates that he wants nothing more than to keep her safe. Hates himself right now.
For the first time in almost a year and a half she falls asleep in his arms for two nights in a row. The first is this one and the second she can’t help but want to keep him close because of the murder. She expects to make it three. But he doesn’t come back with the Commander and Jim Shannon...And when Lieutenant Washington explains what happened...
She realizes those last two nights were his amends, and the last time she's going to sleep next to him in a long time.