I Hate... What?

[terramorph]

Have you ever hated something or someone for no reason? Sometimes I think I hate people, but I'm not really sure. I think that maybe I just want to be prettier, smarter, funnier... I just remembered how Charlie and Danny were once talking about me, and they came up with one word that was the key to my existence, and then they forgot it. lol Wish I knew what it was. I have two theories: one is that I would never like to be classified as just one overall word... I want there to be several facets to my personality and multiple goals for me to take on as well, lots of things that I stand for, what I am to people. Secondly, I read the 3rd sentence of this LJ and think that maybe I just want to be loved, but that's too much a lot of the time. So maybe accepted? Well, there are so many groups/people that I don't want to be a part of. Admired? That only goes so far. What is it that I really want, above anything else? What do I crave to be, and who? I don't really consider myself as having low self-esteem, but maybe I do. Does wanting to be wonderful mean you have low self-esteem? People tell me that I seem confident, smart, pretty and funny... But sometimes it's just not enough for me. Your friends love you anyways, of course they'll say that. But I want them to really mean it too, not just pay me lip service.

I don't know what got me thinking about that, maybe just surfing the Internet and seeing all these things that I wish I had, or was. Thinking, will I never be good enough for that one person out there that really loves me? The person that will love me not for what they see in me, but for what I see in myself? And don't some of my earlier statements contradict that? Too many questions, and I can't answer them.