[XI Fanfiction] If everything was everything but everything is over
The room still looked the same, which is to say, lived in. Almost nothing was missing. So long ago when Matt had first entered it, the only sign that anyone lived there was a lonely snow globe on the side table and a phone charger on the desk. Now there was a whole set of snow globes, that poster Matt had bought him on the wall. Matt walked in and sat on the bed slowly, taking in the sheets. Matt had bought him another blanket. striped. It was laying over the foot-board.
He smoothed the comforter, squeezing his eyes shut. He wasn't going to cry, he didn't over things like this. Not anymore. He pressed the urge down and saw the single picture Matt had gotten of them together on the desk, lying on top of some books like Caesar had picked it up and set it back down. Like he would come right back and see Matt setting it back upright and grumble about compulsive cleaning.
Part of him was relieved. Part of him wanted to smile and laugh so bitterly.
'Told you so. Told you he'd leave and you'd be alone. You don't have to wait anymore. No more holding your breath waiting for the other shoe to fall, for him to decide you're holding him back'
He opened his eyes and took a shuddering breath. He really wanted to cry now. Pointless. What would it change. It wouldn't bring back a person who left. He pressed his hands against the bedspread, feeling the fabric one last time before he stood.
Gathering things into his box took no time at all. Posters rolled and wrapped in rubber bands, books stacked neatly. The picture wrapped in plastic, so carefully, and lastly the snow globes. Four little snow globes--
Three. Three? He paused mid-wrapping and counted, looked at intently.
Caesar wasn't sentimental. The gifts were more often than not a source of annoyance, something Caesar protested every time but a habit Matt couldn't be broken of. It had turned to more useful things eventually, shirts, hats, hoodies. But the first gift had been a snow globe from Los Angeles.
And it was missing.
Matt sat back on his heels and closed his eyes.
There was no point to prove this wasn't bizarre theft, or anything else of particular note that was missing, but somehow...
Somewhere Caesar had to be laying under a tree, turning the snow globe on it's head and watching the flakes engulf the tiny plastic buildings. Maybe he was pissed at himself for bringing something with no worth, something that just took up space. Maybe he was thinking about Matt, about getting that snow globe. Maybe.
Matt lifted his box off the floor and balanced it carefully as he switched off the light.
Three nights after Caesar left, Matt and Al argued. It was nothing big, just a little disagreement, but Matt's fingers stalled on the phone's keys. Instinct was overridden and he deleted the text. Caesar wasn't here to comfort him, to hold him or pet his hair or anything stupid like that. Texting a dead phone was as useless as sending a message in a bottle out to sea.
But it burned at him and it wasn't fair. He didn't care if Caesar wasn't there to hold him, he just needed...to talk. To write it out and...
That's when the letters started. Carefully sealed in their own envelopes, written in haste as time and time again the stress of life overwhelmed him.
'Al and Naruto nearly died last week. Eli too. They act like such idiots sometimes, like no one else should dare care about what they're doing. They just treat the world like it's their own.
Al worries about me. I can worry about him. He's so selfish sometimes...But he's my brother, my twin. Half my life you know? I guess you don't. He's all I had for some time and I appreciate him more than I can say. More than I will say really. Hero or not, the last thing he needs is a bigger ego, eh?
Papa's busy a lot so we don't talk as much. And I suppose I don't have a lot of friends but that's ok. I hope you're alright wherever you are. I love you Caesar.'
Over and over until he had a stack in his desk and he started contemplating sending them. It took five hours of searching and finally bribing a technopath with the promise of homemade cookies to get him the address to the Silverberg mansion.
Caesar would never go there. That much Matt had garnered from what little Caesar had said of his family. But there was nowhere else to send to. And it felt so futile to leave them in his desk drawer rotting away.
So every few days he sent off a letter until his pile was gone. Nothing was ever returned, nothing showed back up. Then he started leaving off the Caesar, just to see what changed.
'Caesar was really a wonderful boyfriend. I don't know if you knew much about what he was like around other people, but he could be a jerk. But he learned fast...He never gave too much or too little.
He's blunt but to a point. It's nice to hear the truth sometimes. I didn't tell him so, but I really loved him. I should have before he left, but I threw the word around before. I loved before I knew and that as the problem.
You'll never know what you lost. A true good person. '
Like a good luck charm through the years, the letter sent off every week without fail. Some were short, a page of talk, sometime for Caesar, sometime for whoever was reading, or half a novel of lengthy discussion, rants and queries.
'I'm graduating. I want to start my own school, up in Canada. I like that sort of weather and I really think I'd be a great teacher. You always used to say I mothered you. Well I can mother a whole school now. My parents, birth parents, left Al and I a bunch of money.
I'm thinking of going on a trip around the world before I make my school. I wish you were here so I could ask you what to do.
I wish you were here so I could kiss you and travel with you
Love Matt'
On the opening day of his school, a single envelope was delivered into his trembling hands. There was no return address, just a symbol and he frowned, flipping it over to slit it open.
There was no letter, nothing besides a picture.
A tiny Caesar grinned up at him from the picture, held in the protective arms of an older brother as he hoisted a book up high. Matt stared at the smile, the joy, and tucked it into his pocket.
He smoothed the comforter, squeezing his eyes shut. He wasn't going to cry, he didn't over things like this. Not anymore. He pressed the urge down and saw the single picture Matt had gotten of them together on the desk, lying on top of some books like Caesar had picked it up and set it back down. Like he would come right back and see Matt setting it back upright and grumble about compulsive cleaning.
Part of him was relieved. Part of him wanted to smile and laugh so bitterly.
'Told you so. Told you he'd leave and you'd be alone. You don't have to wait anymore. No more holding your breath waiting for the other shoe to fall, for him to decide you're holding him back'
He opened his eyes and took a shuddering breath. He really wanted to cry now. Pointless. What would it change. It wouldn't bring back a person who left. He pressed his hands against the bedspread, feeling the fabric one last time before he stood.
Gathering things into his box took no time at all. Posters rolled and wrapped in rubber bands, books stacked neatly. The picture wrapped in plastic, so carefully, and lastly the snow globes. Four little snow globes--
Three. Three? He paused mid-wrapping and counted, looked at intently.
Caesar wasn't sentimental. The gifts were more often than not a source of annoyance, something Caesar protested every time but a habit Matt couldn't be broken of. It had turned to more useful things eventually, shirts, hats, hoodies. But the first gift had been a snow globe from Los Angeles.
And it was missing.
Matt sat back on his heels and closed his eyes.
There was no point to prove this wasn't bizarre theft, or anything else of particular note that was missing, but somehow...
Somewhere Caesar had to be laying under a tree, turning the snow globe on it's head and watching the flakes engulf the tiny plastic buildings. Maybe he was pissed at himself for bringing something with no worth, something that just took up space. Maybe he was thinking about Matt, about getting that snow globe. Maybe.
Matt lifted his box off the floor and balanced it carefully as he switched off the light.
Three nights after Caesar left, Matt and Al argued. It was nothing big, just a little disagreement, but Matt's fingers stalled on the phone's keys. Instinct was overridden and he deleted the text. Caesar wasn't here to comfort him, to hold him or pet his hair or anything stupid like that. Texting a dead phone was as useless as sending a message in a bottle out to sea.
But it burned at him and it wasn't fair. He didn't care if Caesar wasn't there to hold him, he just needed...to talk. To write it out and...
That's when the letters started. Carefully sealed in their own envelopes, written in haste as time and time again the stress of life overwhelmed him.
'Al and Naruto nearly died last week. Eli too. They act like such idiots sometimes, like no one else should dare care about what they're doing. They just treat the world like it's their own.
Al worries about me. I can worry about him. He's so selfish sometimes...But he's my brother, my twin. Half my life you know? I guess you don't. He's all I had for some time and I appreciate him more than I can say. More than I will say really. Hero or not, the last thing he needs is a bigger ego, eh?
Papa's busy a lot so we don't talk as much. And I suppose I don't have a lot of friends but that's ok. I hope you're alright wherever you are. I love you Caesar.'
Over and over until he had a stack in his desk and he started contemplating sending them. It took five hours of searching and finally bribing a technopath with the promise of homemade cookies to get him the address to the Silverberg mansion.
Caesar would never go there. That much Matt had garnered from what little Caesar had said of his family. But there was nowhere else to send to. And it felt so futile to leave them in his desk drawer rotting away.
So every few days he sent off a letter until his pile was gone. Nothing was ever returned, nothing showed back up. Then he started leaving off the Caesar, just to see what changed.
'Caesar was really a wonderful boyfriend. I don't know if you knew much about what he was like around other people, but he could be a jerk. But he learned fast...He never gave too much or too little.
He's blunt but to a point. It's nice to hear the truth sometimes. I didn't tell him so, but I really loved him. I should have before he left, but I threw the word around before. I loved before I knew and that as the problem.
You'll never know what you lost. A true good person. '
Like a good luck charm through the years, the letter sent off every week without fail. Some were short, a page of talk, sometime for Caesar, sometime for whoever was reading, or half a novel of lengthy discussion, rants and queries.
'I'm graduating. I want to start my own school, up in Canada. I like that sort of weather and I really think I'd be a great teacher. You always used to say I mothered you. Well I can mother a whole school now. My parents, birth parents, left Al and I a bunch of money.
I'm thinking of going on a trip around the world before I make my school. I wish you were here so I could ask you what to do.
I wish you were here so I could kiss you and travel with you
Love Matt'
On the opening day of his school, a single envelope was delivered into his trembling hands. There was no return address, just a symbol and he frowned, flipping it over to slit it open.
There was no letter, nothing besides a picture.
A tiny Caesar grinned up at him from the picture, held in the protective arms of an older brother as he hoisted a book up high. Matt stared at the smile, the joy, and tucked it into his pocket.