Jazz hands!!
ETA: ellimere = terra!
It was available and Final Fantasy VI fantatic that I am I couldn't resist. rydia, we're really awesome.
So, I went to the midnight showing of Spider-Man 3 Thursday night. It has inspired me to make a review/recap with spoilers and pictures. I'm laying down who lives, who dies, and who gets to choke some bitches. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Also, as we waited in the theater for about an hour I got to see the pre-movie trivia circle around more than once.
Movie Trivia Screen: What was the name of the wizard in Disney's Fantasia?
Alex: Lezard.
It wasn't the correct answer the three times it came up on screen, much like the ending to A Tale of Two Cities doesn't change the no matter how many copies I buy. Still, I'd like it if it were true. (And before you start, tumbleweed664, yes, I am such a nerd.)
Peter Parker, who is, btw, Spider-man, is having a jolly ol' time at it. His alter-ego is now widely appreciated instead of defamed, his love life is grand, and he's even at the top of his class, even though this was all established as a practical impossibility in the first movie. Peter's attending the premiere of Mary Jane's broadway show, and he's happy as a clam sitting in the first row and basking in her spotlight. Cut to Harry Osborn, who in previous episodes was Peter's best friend but has now become the Phantom of the Opera.
Herik von Broodsalot, as I think I shall refer to him, was actually one of my favorite characters in previous installments. (I've got a mild Seifer complex. And the actor who plays him, James Franco, lives one town over and has been spotted at my local cineplex.) This is good for me, because he's in this movie a lot, and bad for me, because most of the time he's being Herik von Broodsalot and not Harry Osborn. James Franco has more facial expressions than I know what to do with, but I'm not sure how they all fit into one character. Hmmm. In any case, he's still pretty hot, and it doesn't even matter because at this point in the movie, which is to say, five minutes in, I am already beside myself in laughter. We've got the extreme giddy of Peter Parker's life, now set to cheesy showtunes, and then we cut to BROODING. Because I guess in Peter's optimistic appraisal of his own life, he's forgotten that, oh yeah, his best friend is still trying to kill him.
After the performance, Harry decides to go huff some green superpower gas and Peter and MJ are on a romantic date on top of a web. I dunno about you other girls, but this whole foreplay on a giant insect-web thing has always struck me as kinda creepy. Spiders, are, in fact, the exact opposite of romantic, but MJ might have some weird kinks or something. Huh. Anyway, while they're making out, a meteor falls to earth, like, right behind them, and it's carrying some evil black goo. This outer-space licorice is the primary villain of Spider-Man 3, which probably explains why they felt the need to have fifty-bajillion extra villains to even that out.
Cut to: one of those aforementioned fifty-bajillion villains. Flint Marko is not evil, just misunderstood, as the film is trying so very hard to make us understand. He loves his crippled daughter and that's why he's escaped from prison after being held for larceny and murder. "It wasn't like that, I didn't have a choice." That is his mantra, and since it's pretty much his only line, we're not likely to forget it. He also has exactly one facial expression. Let's see if I can drum it up.
Yep, that's it. During his run from the po-po he stumbles upon an unnamed facility labeled Warning: Particle Physics. Because in movies experiments gone wrong give you super-powers instead of cancer, Marko is by some process that can only be described as "physics" and maybe "electricity" turned into some sand construct. He is made of sand. His body is sand. He can, like, melt into sand or something. Anyway, he also killed Uncle Ben. The writers think this gives him some tie-in to the ongoing plot, but I am not so sure.
Meanwhile, Peter's visiting his Auntie May. In this film, just in case you're having trouble following the substantial, heavy, and completely unsubtle moral themes, Auntie May will show up and explain things in exceedingly plain and rather slow English. This time she just gives Peter her old wedding ring because he wants to propose to Mary Jane.
Peter leaves the apartment of his aunt and moral compass on his bright red bicycle. While he's zipping down the strangely deserted streets of New York, low and behold, some wacko on an XTREME hover skateboard carries him kicking and screaming off into the night. The two fight for some time (in what is actually a pretty damn spectacular sequence) before the Masked Hoverglider Guy reveals his identity. "Harry?!" says Peter. Well, duh, Peter, who else a) wants to kill Spider-man and b) knows who Spider-man is? Would that guy be the single person most likely to have access to all that outdated Green Goblin gear? Yes? Well, slap my knees and call me Sally, but I don't think you need a spider sense to see that one coming. However, before the erstwhile friends can work out their mutual identity problems, Harry gets knocked out and can't remember the events of the previous two films. I guess everything's back to normal, now. Except he's smiling an awful lot and seems randomly to speak in baby talk half the time. Oh yeah, and because for some reason catching things really fast has become the traditional way to demonstrate that characters have superpowers, Harry still has superpowers.
Meanwhile, Sandman struggles to cry a single tear.
Cut to: Mary Jane is unhappy in her relationship with Peter. You see, she sucks at being a singer, and that hurts, because she's wanted to star on Broadway her whole life. Peter tends to respond to her whining with a good "Well, it sucks even more to be me, but I turned out all right!" Oh, boys. ♥
In the next few minutes we're reaccquainted with the omnipresent Gwen Stacy, who is in this film an awful lot but doesn't seem to do anything, ever. Yes, I do know that she's all important in the comics, because RC Gersovir, a friend of mine who seems to enjoy being referenced on my LJ, is kinda a geek and has reiterated the story of Green Goblin killing Gwen Stacy by dropping her off a landmark bridge many a time. But in this movie, she doesn't die, doesn't get between Peter and Harry, and is thoroughly and successfully saved from all dangers. She's an homage to the comics in much the same way John Jameson and Dr. Curt Connors in the second film. We also meet Edward Brock Jr., an up-and-coming photographer for the Daily Bugle. I've never seen That 70's Show, but I've liked Topher Grace for a while, and really enjoyed his performance here. Eddie Brock has a crush on Gwen Stacy and is competing with Peter Parker for a position at the paper.
In ensuing moments, Spider-man saves Gwen and is awarded the key to the city at a lavish ceremony. Spider-man poses for a kiss with Gwen, making Brock and MJ jealous. MJ turns to Harry. Brock turns to Photoshop. A man, as always, after my own heart.
Meanwhile, Sandman is still made of sand. The camera has to do close ups of sand while tense, dramatic music is playing. You too, O Moviegoers, will learn the sinister hiss of sand!
After an awkward dinner with Peter and Bruce Campbell, Mary Jane walks out. She then calls up Harry, who is in the middle of painting a still-life. He invites her over, and Harry cooks her up a gourmet meal and then reads to her from the play he wrote in high school. It's weird, because Amnesia!Harry is nicer, more intelligent, and strangely more artistic than any of his appearances up till now have led us to believe. I guess I can accept that the Goblin Gas or whatever makes you smarter in addition to stronger, but isn't it also supposed to make you insane? I kinda gathered that from the fact that ol' Norman spent a good part of the first movie talking to inanimate objects. In any case, MJ and Harry kiss, they feel awkward, MJ walks out, and Harry goes to the study, where he is confronted by the creepy dayglo portrait of his father that not only clashes with the decor but is also a weird conduit to the spirit world.
Sometimes it talks to Harry. Like now, for instance. Harry remembers everything, sees his dead father in mirrors, and goes Prince-of-Denmark batshit all over again. The more I think about it, the more I become convinced that James Franco is trying to convey every emotion possible with his eyebrows, in order to make up for Tobey Maguire trying to convey every emotion possible with his eyes. Now, we are back to Herik von Broodsalot, and he is going to choke some bitches. Bitch #1: Mary Jane.
Herik, through his subtle manipulations, gets MJ to break up with Peter, saying she's fallen in love with someone else. Then Harry and Peter are talking in a coffee shop and Peter is talking about how badly he feels. Scenes of this emotional depth can only be rendered in chatspeak:
Peter: :( :( :( MJ broke up w/me n now i wanna die
Herik: awww man that sux
Peter: yeah
Herik: btw dude im the other guy
Peter: omgwtf?
Herik: lol
Harry ably demonstrates the ;D emoticon
Peter, understandably broken up, decides to wear his special black suit that's been fused with the space licorice. It makes him feel like more of a man. He shows up at Herik's balcony all intent on beating him up. Peter gets stabbed with the weird Shakespearean dagger Herik's always carrying around, and then they duke it out, thoughoughly trashing the room before heading into the secret Goblin laer, where Herik's smacked into the corner. "Look at little Goblin Jr," Peter says. "Gonna cry?" Herik asks if Peter is going to kill him like he did his father, and Peter just laughs. "Your father despised you. You were an embarrassment to him." Then Herik throws one of his little bombs at Peter, but Peter, being Spider-man and all, catches it and sends it flinging back to him. It explodes in Herik's face, and the scene ends.
With his new black suit Peter takes to the streets, turned into some strange combitation of Peter Petrelli and Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg. First he sticks it to Eddie Brock, by proving that a photo of his was a fraud. (This photo shows Spider-man in his new black suit stealing from a bank, and has earned Eddie a promotion.) Peter is choking this bitch in the middle of the Daily Bugle office. Brock begs for amnesty-- he doesn't want to see his life and career ruined. "If you want forgiveness," Peter says, "get religion." Brock is fired and is none too keen on Mr Parker right now.
But that's all right. The bitches love Spidey 'cause they know he can dance. In one of the most awkward montages in movie history, Peter Parker gets in touch whith his dark side, which seems to be a mix of Fred Astaire and the Fonz. He walks down the streets of New York with his angsty Petrelli-esque hairdo (I swear I wasn't the only one making Sylar gestures in the audience) and makes handguns at all the womenz. I swear I am not making this up.
He takes Gwen Stacy to the Jazz bar where Mary Jane works as a waitress-singer. When it comes time for MJ to show her stuff, Peter is improbably gracing her with a piano routine. Then he gets up and dances around the room, because he can do that: he's Spider-man. "Now dig this," he says, snapping his fingers in time with the music. With his heightened agility and strength he can do strange things with chairs and chandeliers, and baby, he's always had rhythm. After he finishes his song-and-dance number, the bouncers ask him politely to leave. But dammit, he's not going to! He's Spider-man! And he has the proportional strength of a spider! That's a power that makes a whole lot of sense! So he pushes the bouncers around some and in his extraterrestrial licorice-coated rage, pushes MJ down to the floor. "Who are you?" she asks. Peter says he doesn't know. We're not quite sure either.
I swear I am not making this up.
This would be a good time to remind ourselves that Auntie May has told us revenge is a horrible thing. It is black and gooey and it comes from outerspace, where it consumes you and takes you over. Thanks, Auntie May, I wouldn't have gotten that without you.
Peter has an epiphany. "Man, my quest for revenge has had several unintended victims! And furthermore, revenge only begets an endless cycle of avengers! It's like the Oresteia or some shit!" Now, if I were Peter I'd go tell this to Herik, 'cause he's been trapped in the same Hamlet knock-off for two films, and he doesn't have the wise words of Auntie May to break him out of it. But with Herik, that's all his own fault, giving the story at least some semblance of, you know, actual weight. Peter just has to take off that icky space licorice suit, and he's cured! All better! So he goes to a local church where the tower bell is clanging and purges all that extraterrestrial evil from his soul.
Meanwhile, at the very same church: Eddie Brock is alone, because churches are always lonely in movies. He's on his knees, praying. "I come before you, humbled and humiliated, to ask you for one thing. Kill Peter Parker." Oh, his eyes are alight with the dawn streaming in through the stained-glass windows, and the church bells are sounding. He hears someone screaming in the bell tower and-- o joyous day!-- it's Parker! As Peter wrenches the tendrils of spidery black from his own body, they fall down to Brock, who has more dark places inside him now than Parker ever did. After the most awkward Christ imagery ever, where Brock is held crucified by this black parasitic goo, perhaps sacrificing his entertaing character to this movie's ever growing need for more villains, Eddie emerges, a monster. He has become Metaphor Hammer McGee, who I'm told in the comic books is called Venom.
Hey, that isn't Jesus!
Afterwards, Peter goes home to wash the sin off, and Aunt May comes over because we're in need of a little moral enlightenment. You're not lost yet, Peter! You just need to do the hardest thing of all: forgive yourself.
Eddie Brock, now a dark Spider-man doppleganger with creepy fangs, has tracked down Sandman, who is still made of sand and still has only one facial expression. They're gonna go team up to hurt Spider-man! Woo!
MJ summons a taxi after Peter looks soulfully into her apartment. She gets into the fateful yellow vehicle, and the driver turns around to ask her a question. Holy crap! It's Eddie! And now it's his turn to choke some bitches!
Sandman and Eddie are holding MJ hostage in a grim web of taxicab high in the air atop the same sort of abandoned skyscraper that has allowed for several other fight sequences in this series. Below, a reporter is narrating the whole of the action with an implaceable accent. Why is she here? Oh yes, because the newscast is what will allow our hero to be notified of his beloved's plight. "Oh shoot, how will I ever get out of this one?" he asks himself. "There are two of them now, and simple counting tells me that isn't good!" Then he remembers his erstwhile best friend also has superpowers and is always in his house brooding at this time of night.
And one more person is watching the news this fateful night. Oh yes, it's Herik von Broodsalot! As he turns off the television, he turns and sees Peter in his Spider-man costume. What...does this house have only one room? And what is this room supposed to be? An office/bar/studio/fainting couch repository/gallery of evil dayglo portaits? I...what? Anyway, Peter's found Herik, who is, as always, in his mansion's one room outside of the Secret Lair of Evil Behind the Looking Glass. (Metaphors, much?) Anyway, Peter's intent on enlisting his friend because all that stuff between them has totally been resolved. Except it hasn't, because the last time Herik saw Peter he was throwing a bomb in his face. Remember? Herik sure does, 'cause his face is scarred something awful and he's now blind in one eye. As the filmmakers so studiously foreshadowed with the very first scene, Harry has become Herik, Phantom of the Opera!
Herik doesn't want to help Peter because of the face-exploady bit, and so Peter leaves to rescue MJ on his own. But wait! As he goes into the the Lair of Evil Behind the Looking Glass, he encounters his butler Bernard, who only has one super power: deus ex machina. "I loved your father," says Bernard in an unsufferable monotone, "As I love you. As your friends love you." There are some uncomfortable homosexual ways you could take this declaration, but Herik's clearly in stop-and-stare mode. It turns out that Bernard cleaned Norman's death wounds or else has somehow gotten a hold of the first movie, because he's very clear that Herik's father died by his own hand. Why, if he's so full of pent-up love, did he not let Harry know before this? Because the whole of his motivations up till now have totally been "kill Spider-man" and the scars on his face say that he hasn't been particularly subtle about it. I mean, yeah, in the second film he wasn't aware his father was the Goblin, and I can see him wanting to keep that under wraps, but the whole of this film has been nothing but him getting hopped up on some weird green gas and going on XTREME murder joyrides on his father's glider. And amnesia, I guess. But this is a time for action, not asking questions! Mary Jane is in trouble!
The Reporter Girl With a Random Accent is still narrating the scene, and now Spider-man has shown up to duel both Metaphor Hammer McGee and Sandman.
Also, this happpened. I have no words.
Alas, he seems to be getting his ass kicked. Eddie throws him down the skyscraper without his mask in front of the cameras, and Reporter Girl doesn't seem to notice. She does seem to notice Spider-man is losing, though, and paints a fittingly pessimistic narrative for the cameras. Oh look, Sandman has used a new facial expression! Sort of! The animators may have had to generate it for him, but it's definitely there. "Noooo!" thinks Peter, as he's beaten into a pulp. "I thought it wasn't possible!" His arm dangles, symbolic and lifeless.
Then Harry shows up. Surprisingly, Reporter Girl has just stopped narrating all of a sudden, when things begin to get good and there's a new whacko in a black suit flying around on some sort of hover skateboard. I mean, Reporter Girl and her camera crew could probably even identify that it's Harry Osborn, son of Someone Important. They figured out who Mary Jane was, after all, and Harry is really bad at this supervillain/hero thing. He has a mask, but he never wears it. But then, the same can be said of Peter in this movie, and he's still got his identity all secret-like.
Where is she now?
So they fight and they fight and Harry turns Sandman into glass with the flamethrowers on his rocket skateboard, MJ is rescued from safety, etc. Harry defeats Sandman and then they both concentrate on Metaphor Hammer McGee, who is clearly the greater threat. Peter tells Eddie to take off the suit, it controlls you with storyline themes or something like that. No deal, says Eddie. "I like being bad. It makes me happy." Oh, Eddie, you make me happy too. ♥
Clearly I have awkward taste in men.
Anyway, continuing in the line of Harry is really bad at this supervillain/hero thing, he's fallen off his glider and he can't quite get up. Peter realizes that the clanging noises Harry makes as he falls have some sort of negative effect on the black licorice evil, but before he can quite come up with a plan, Metaphor Hammer is ramming the pointy end of the XTREME skateboard into his chest. Or he would be, if Harry hadn't decided to leap in front of Peter and take the blow for him. His eyebrows seem to be saying that only heroic death can save him now, and he is content in this.
Peter then sets up a clangy acoustic prison for Metaphor Hammer McGee, and in the process manages to pull ol' Brock out of the clingy black stuff. He makes ready to explode the damn thing with one of Harry's bombs, but Eddie is confused. "What are you doing?" he asks, and he throws himself at the suit and the ensuing explosion and is never heard from again.
Meanwhile, Harry is still dying.
Sandman, who, being made of sand, is practically invincible, shows up at the top of the skyscraper in his more human form. "I'm sorry about your uncle," he's saying. "It wasn't like that." And he relates a story whereby he accidentally shot Uncle Ben and felt really sad about it afterwards. "I didn't have a choice." Maybe you didn't mean to fire the gun and you didn't exactly volunteer for the cover of Better Living through Particle Physics, but goddamn I'm sure you didn't have to spend the last hour on the ground killing cops and kidnapping women, bucko. It's okay though, because Peter forgives him, and Peter is clearly the one who matters here. And so, strangely, Sandman fades away into the sunrise as a cloud of sand. Let this be a lesson to you, the film is saying, and wagging its metaphoric finger as the man made of sand floats off into the horizon.
I swear I am not making this up.
Meanwhile, Harry is still dying. Oh wait, no, he's dead.
"We always have a choice," Peter's voiceover is saying. "My friend Harry taught me that." I'm not exactly sure how, but he's dead now and we're at his funeral. Gwen Stacy is here, with her father-- did they even know Harry? Huh. Well, now, Spider-man, ye alone of the comic book heroes motivated by guilt and the death of loved ones, what are you to do now? Your self-sworn best friend is dead because you dragged him into a crazy mess of people out for your blood, and you knew he was really bad at this supervillain/hero stuff because you kicked his ass twice decisively. Furthermore, he literally threw himself in front of you so you wouldn't be stabbed to death with the latest X-games sport. How do you feel?
He feels like he's gonna go dance with Mary Jane. So he does. The end.
Damn, these things get longer the more that I do them. I honestly don't know how I feel about this movie. I loved the first two films for their ability to mix humor and heart into all the action scenes. This one did that...but not the way that it meant to. On the other hand, I was so thoroughly entertained by the movie that I have a hard time calling it bad. I didn't feel like I wasted my time, and I was reduced to fits of maniacal laughter for half an hour afterward.
Also, I was approved to write the Locke/Celes thing at ship_manifesto so if people have any recs, links, or general opinions I'd really love to hear them.
It was available and Final Fantasy VI fantatic that I am I couldn't resist. rydia, we're really awesome.
So, I went to the midnight showing of Spider-Man 3 Thursday night. It has inspired me to make a review/recap with spoilers and pictures. I'm laying down who lives, who dies, and who gets to choke some bitches. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Also, as we waited in the theater for about an hour I got to see the pre-movie trivia circle around more than once.
Movie Trivia Screen: What was the name of the wizard in Disney's Fantasia?
Alex: Lezard.
It wasn't the correct answer the three times it came up on screen, much like the ending to A Tale of Two Cities doesn't change the no matter how many copies I buy. Still, I'd like it if it were true. (And before you start, tumbleweed664, yes, I am such a nerd.)
Peter Parker, who is, btw, Spider-man, is having a jolly ol' time at it. His alter-ego is now widely appreciated instead of defamed, his love life is grand, and he's even at the top of his class, even though this was all established as a practical impossibility in the first movie. Peter's attending the premiere of Mary Jane's broadway show, and he's happy as a clam sitting in the first row and basking in her spotlight. Cut to Harry Osborn, who in previous episodes was Peter's best friend but has now become the Phantom of the Opera.
Herik von Broodsalot, as I think I shall refer to him, was actually one of my favorite characters in previous installments. (I've got a mild Seifer complex. And the actor who plays him, James Franco, lives one town over and has been spotted at my local cineplex.) This is good for me, because he's in this movie a lot, and bad for me, because most of the time he's being Herik von Broodsalot and not Harry Osborn. James Franco has more facial expressions than I know what to do with, but I'm not sure how they all fit into one character. Hmmm. In any case, he's still pretty hot, and it doesn't even matter because at this point in the movie, which is to say, five minutes in, I am already beside myself in laughter. We've got the extreme giddy of Peter Parker's life, now set to cheesy showtunes, and then we cut to BROODING. Because I guess in Peter's optimistic appraisal of his own life, he's forgotten that, oh yeah, his best friend is still trying to kill him.
After the performance, Harry decides to go huff some green superpower gas and Peter and MJ are on a romantic date on top of a web. I dunno about you other girls, but this whole foreplay on a giant insect-web thing has always struck me as kinda creepy. Spiders, are, in fact, the exact opposite of romantic, but MJ might have some weird kinks or something. Huh. Anyway, while they're making out, a meteor falls to earth, like, right behind them, and it's carrying some evil black goo. This outer-space licorice is the primary villain of Spider-Man 3, which probably explains why they felt the need to have fifty-bajillion extra villains to even that out.
Cut to: one of those aforementioned fifty-bajillion villains. Flint Marko is not evil, just misunderstood, as the film is trying so very hard to make us understand. He loves his crippled daughter and that's why he's escaped from prison after being held for larceny and murder. "It wasn't like that, I didn't have a choice." That is his mantra, and since it's pretty much his only line, we're not likely to forget it. He also has exactly one facial expression. Let's see if I can drum it up.
Yep, that's it. During his run from the po-po he stumbles upon an unnamed facility labeled Warning: Particle Physics. Because in movies experiments gone wrong give you super-powers instead of cancer, Marko is by some process that can only be described as "physics" and maybe "electricity" turned into some sand construct. He is made of sand. His body is sand. He can, like, melt into sand or something. Anyway, he also killed Uncle Ben. The writers think this gives him some tie-in to the ongoing plot, but I am not so sure.
Meanwhile, Peter's visiting his Auntie May. In this film, just in case you're having trouble following the substantial, heavy, and completely unsubtle moral themes, Auntie May will show up and explain things in exceedingly plain and rather slow English. This time she just gives Peter her old wedding ring because he wants to propose to Mary Jane.
Peter leaves the apartment of his aunt and moral compass on his bright red bicycle. While he's zipping down the strangely deserted streets of New York, low and behold, some wacko on an XTREME hover skateboard carries him kicking and screaming off into the night. The two fight for some time (in what is actually a pretty damn spectacular sequence) before the Masked Hoverglider Guy reveals his identity. "Harry?!" says Peter. Well, duh, Peter, who else a) wants to kill Spider-man and b) knows who Spider-man is? Would that guy be the single person most likely to have access to all that outdated Green Goblin gear? Yes? Well, slap my knees and call me Sally, but I don't think you need a spider sense to see that one coming. However, before the erstwhile friends can work out their mutual identity problems, Harry gets knocked out and can't remember the events of the previous two films. I guess everything's back to normal, now. Except he's smiling an awful lot and seems randomly to speak in baby talk half the time. Oh yeah, and because for some reason catching things really fast has become the traditional way to demonstrate that characters have superpowers, Harry still has superpowers.
Meanwhile, Sandman struggles to cry a single tear.
Cut to: Mary Jane is unhappy in her relationship with Peter. You see, she sucks at being a singer, and that hurts, because she's wanted to star on Broadway her whole life. Peter tends to respond to her whining with a good "Well, it sucks even more to be me, but I turned out all right!" Oh, boys. ♥
In the next few minutes we're reaccquainted with the omnipresent Gwen Stacy, who is in this film an awful lot but doesn't seem to do anything, ever. Yes, I do know that she's all important in the comics, because RC Gersovir, a friend of mine who seems to enjoy being referenced on my LJ, is kinda a geek and has reiterated the story of Green Goblin killing Gwen Stacy by dropping her off a landmark bridge many a time. But in this movie, she doesn't die, doesn't get between Peter and Harry, and is thoroughly and successfully saved from all dangers. She's an homage to the comics in much the same way John Jameson and Dr. Curt Connors in the second film. We also meet Edward Brock Jr., an up-and-coming photographer for the Daily Bugle. I've never seen That 70's Show, but I've liked Topher Grace for a while, and really enjoyed his performance here. Eddie Brock has a crush on Gwen Stacy and is competing with Peter Parker for a position at the paper.
In ensuing moments, Spider-man saves Gwen and is awarded the key to the city at a lavish ceremony. Spider-man poses for a kiss with Gwen, making Brock and MJ jealous. MJ turns to Harry. Brock turns to Photoshop. A man, as always, after my own heart.
Meanwhile, Sandman is still made of sand. The camera has to do close ups of sand while tense, dramatic music is playing. You too, O Moviegoers, will learn the sinister hiss of sand!
After an awkward dinner with Peter and Bruce Campbell, Mary Jane walks out. She then calls up Harry, who is in the middle of painting a still-life. He invites her over, and Harry cooks her up a gourmet meal and then reads to her from the play he wrote in high school. It's weird, because Amnesia!Harry is nicer, more intelligent, and strangely more artistic than any of his appearances up till now have led us to believe. I guess I can accept that the Goblin Gas or whatever makes you smarter in addition to stronger, but isn't it also supposed to make you insane? I kinda gathered that from the fact that ol' Norman spent a good part of the first movie talking to inanimate objects. In any case, MJ and Harry kiss, they feel awkward, MJ walks out, and Harry goes to the study, where he is confronted by the creepy dayglo portrait of his father that not only clashes with the decor but is also a weird conduit to the spirit world.
Sometimes it talks to Harry. Like now, for instance. Harry remembers everything, sees his dead father in mirrors, and goes Prince-of-Denmark batshit all over again. The more I think about it, the more I become convinced that James Franco is trying to convey every emotion possible with his eyebrows, in order to make up for Tobey Maguire trying to convey every emotion possible with his eyes. Now, we are back to Herik von Broodsalot, and he is going to choke some bitches. Bitch #1: Mary Jane.
Herik, through his subtle manipulations, gets MJ to break up with Peter, saying she's fallen in love with someone else. Then Harry and Peter are talking in a coffee shop and Peter is talking about how badly he feels. Scenes of this emotional depth can only be rendered in chatspeak:
Peter: :( :( :( MJ broke up w/me n now i wanna die
Herik: awww man that sux
Peter: yeah
Herik: btw dude im the other guy
Peter: omgwtf?
Herik: lol
Harry ably demonstrates the ;D emoticon
Peter, understandably broken up, decides to wear his special black suit that's been fused with the space licorice. It makes him feel like more of a man. He shows up at Herik's balcony all intent on beating him up. Peter gets stabbed with the weird Shakespearean dagger Herik's always carrying around, and then they duke it out, thoughoughly trashing the room before heading into the secret Goblin laer, where Herik's smacked into the corner. "Look at little Goblin Jr," Peter says. "Gonna cry?" Herik asks if Peter is going to kill him like he did his father, and Peter just laughs. "Your father despised you. You were an embarrassment to him." Then Herik throws one of his little bombs at Peter, but Peter, being Spider-man and all, catches it and sends it flinging back to him. It explodes in Herik's face, and the scene ends.
With his new black suit Peter takes to the streets, turned into some strange combitation of Peter Petrelli and Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg. First he sticks it to Eddie Brock, by proving that a photo of his was a fraud. (This photo shows Spider-man in his new black suit stealing from a bank, and has earned Eddie a promotion.) Peter is choking this bitch in the middle of the Daily Bugle office. Brock begs for amnesty-- he doesn't want to see his life and career ruined. "If you want forgiveness," Peter says, "get religion." Brock is fired and is none too keen on Mr Parker right now.
But that's all right. The bitches love Spidey 'cause they know he can dance. In one of the most awkward montages in movie history, Peter Parker gets in touch whith his dark side, which seems to be a mix of Fred Astaire and the Fonz. He walks down the streets of New York with his angsty Petrelli-esque hairdo (I swear I wasn't the only one making Sylar gestures in the audience) and makes handguns at all the womenz. I swear I am not making this up.
He takes Gwen Stacy to the Jazz bar where Mary Jane works as a waitress-singer. When it comes time for MJ to show her stuff, Peter is improbably gracing her with a piano routine. Then he gets up and dances around the room, because he can do that: he's Spider-man. "Now dig this," he says, snapping his fingers in time with the music. With his heightened agility and strength he can do strange things with chairs and chandeliers, and baby, he's always had rhythm. After he finishes his song-and-dance number, the bouncers ask him politely to leave. But dammit, he's not going to! He's Spider-man! And he has the proportional strength of a spider! That's a power that makes a whole lot of sense! So he pushes the bouncers around some and in his extraterrestrial licorice-coated rage, pushes MJ down to the floor. "Who are you?" she asks. Peter says he doesn't know. We're not quite sure either.
I swear I am not making this up.
This would be a good time to remind ourselves that Auntie May has told us revenge is a horrible thing. It is black and gooey and it comes from outerspace, where it consumes you and takes you over. Thanks, Auntie May, I wouldn't have gotten that without you.
Peter has an epiphany. "Man, my quest for revenge has had several unintended victims! And furthermore, revenge only begets an endless cycle of avengers! It's like the Oresteia or some shit!" Now, if I were Peter I'd go tell this to Herik, 'cause he's been trapped in the same Hamlet knock-off for two films, and he doesn't have the wise words of Auntie May to break him out of it. But with Herik, that's all his own fault, giving the story at least some semblance of, you know, actual weight. Peter just has to take off that icky space licorice suit, and he's cured! All better! So he goes to a local church where the tower bell is clanging and purges all that extraterrestrial evil from his soul.
Meanwhile, at the very same church: Eddie Brock is alone, because churches are always lonely in movies. He's on his knees, praying. "I come before you, humbled and humiliated, to ask you for one thing. Kill Peter Parker." Oh, his eyes are alight with the dawn streaming in through the stained-glass windows, and the church bells are sounding. He hears someone screaming in the bell tower and-- o joyous day!-- it's Parker! As Peter wrenches the tendrils of spidery black from his own body, they fall down to Brock, who has more dark places inside him now than Parker ever did. After the most awkward Christ imagery ever, where Brock is held crucified by this black parasitic goo, perhaps sacrificing his entertaing character to this movie's ever growing need for more villains, Eddie emerges, a monster. He has become Metaphor Hammer McGee, who I'm told in the comic books is called Venom.
Hey, that isn't Jesus!
Afterwards, Peter goes home to wash the sin off, and Aunt May comes over because we're in need of a little moral enlightenment. You're not lost yet, Peter! You just need to do the hardest thing of all: forgive yourself.
Eddie Brock, now a dark Spider-man doppleganger with creepy fangs, has tracked down Sandman, who is still made of sand and still has only one facial expression. They're gonna go team up to hurt Spider-man! Woo!
MJ summons a taxi after Peter looks soulfully into her apartment. She gets into the fateful yellow vehicle, and the driver turns around to ask her a question. Holy crap! It's Eddie! And now it's his turn to choke some bitches!
Sandman and Eddie are holding MJ hostage in a grim web of taxicab high in the air atop the same sort of abandoned skyscraper that has allowed for several other fight sequences in this series. Below, a reporter is narrating the whole of the action with an implaceable accent. Why is she here? Oh yes, because the newscast is what will allow our hero to be notified of his beloved's plight. "Oh shoot, how will I ever get out of this one?" he asks himself. "There are two of them now, and simple counting tells me that isn't good!" Then he remembers his erstwhile best friend also has superpowers and is always in his house brooding at this time of night.
And one more person is watching the news this fateful night. Oh yes, it's Herik von Broodsalot! As he turns off the television, he turns and sees Peter in his Spider-man costume. What...does this house have only one room? And what is this room supposed to be? An office/bar/studio/fainting couch repository/gallery of evil dayglo portaits? I...what? Anyway, Peter's found Herik, who is, as always, in his mansion's one room outside of the Secret Lair of Evil Behind the Looking Glass. (Metaphors, much?) Anyway, Peter's intent on enlisting his friend because all that stuff between them has totally been resolved. Except it hasn't, because the last time Herik saw Peter he was throwing a bomb in his face. Remember? Herik sure does, 'cause his face is scarred something awful and he's now blind in one eye. As the filmmakers so studiously foreshadowed with the very first scene, Harry has become Herik, Phantom of the Opera!
Herik doesn't want to help Peter because of the face-exploady bit, and so Peter leaves to rescue MJ on his own. But wait! As he goes into the the Lair of Evil Behind the Looking Glass, he encounters his butler Bernard, who only has one super power: deus ex machina. "I loved your father," says Bernard in an unsufferable monotone, "As I love you. As your friends love you." There are some uncomfortable homosexual ways you could take this declaration, but Herik's clearly in stop-and-stare mode. It turns out that Bernard cleaned Norman's death wounds or else has somehow gotten a hold of the first movie, because he's very clear that Herik's father died by his own hand. Why, if he's so full of pent-up love, did he not let Harry know before this? Because the whole of his motivations up till now have totally been "kill Spider-man" and the scars on his face say that he hasn't been particularly subtle about it. I mean, yeah, in the second film he wasn't aware his father was the Goblin, and I can see him wanting to keep that under wraps, but the whole of this film has been nothing but him getting hopped up on some weird green gas and going on XTREME murder joyrides on his father's glider. And amnesia, I guess. But this is a time for action, not asking questions! Mary Jane is in trouble!
The Reporter Girl With a Random Accent is still narrating the scene, and now Spider-man has shown up to duel both Metaphor Hammer McGee and Sandman.
Also, this happpened. I have no words.
Alas, he seems to be getting his ass kicked. Eddie throws him down the skyscraper without his mask in front of the cameras, and Reporter Girl doesn't seem to notice. She does seem to notice Spider-man is losing, though, and paints a fittingly pessimistic narrative for the cameras. Oh look, Sandman has used a new facial expression! Sort of! The animators may have had to generate it for him, but it's definitely there. "Noooo!" thinks Peter, as he's beaten into a pulp. "I thought it wasn't possible!" His arm dangles, symbolic and lifeless.
Then Harry shows up. Surprisingly, Reporter Girl has just stopped narrating all of a sudden, when things begin to get good and there's a new whacko in a black suit flying around on some sort of hover skateboard. I mean, Reporter Girl and her camera crew could probably even identify that it's Harry Osborn, son of Someone Important. They figured out who Mary Jane was, after all, and Harry is really bad at this supervillain/hero thing. He has a mask, but he never wears it. But then, the same can be said of Peter in this movie, and he's still got his identity all secret-like.
Where is she now?
So they fight and they fight and Harry turns Sandman into glass with the flamethrowers on his rocket skateboard, MJ is rescued from safety, etc. Harry defeats Sandman and then they both concentrate on Metaphor Hammer McGee, who is clearly the greater threat. Peter tells Eddie to take off the suit, it controlls you with storyline themes or something like that. No deal, says Eddie. "I like being bad. It makes me happy." Oh, Eddie, you make me happy too. ♥
Clearly I have awkward taste in men.
Anyway, continuing in the line of Harry is really bad at this supervillain/hero thing, he's fallen off his glider and he can't quite get up. Peter realizes that the clanging noises Harry makes as he falls have some sort of negative effect on the black licorice evil, but before he can quite come up with a plan, Metaphor Hammer is ramming the pointy end of the XTREME skateboard into his chest. Or he would be, if Harry hadn't decided to leap in front of Peter and take the blow for him. His eyebrows seem to be saying that only heroic death can save him now, and he is content in this.
Peter then sets up a clangy acoustic prison for Metaphor Hammer McGee, and in the process manages to pull ol' Brock out of the clingy black stuff. He makes ready to explode the damn thing with one of Harry's bombs, but Eddie is confused. "What are you doing?" he asks, and he throws himself at the suit and the ensuing explosion and is never heard from again.
Meanwhile, Harry is still dying.
Sandman, who, being made of sand, is practically invincible, shows up at the top of the skyscraper in his more human form. "I'm sorry about your uncle," he's saying. "It wasn't like that." And he relates a story whereby he accidentally shot Uncle Ben and felt really sad about it afterwards. "I didn't have a choice." Maybe you didn't mean to fire the gun and you didn't exactly volunteer for the cover of Better Living through Particle Physics, but goddamn I'm sure you didn't have to spend the last hour on the ground killing cops and kidnapping women, bucko. It's okay though, because Peter forgives him, and Peter is clearly the one who matters here. And so, strangely, Sandman fades away into the sunrise as a cloud of sand. Let this be a lesson to you, the film is saying, and wagging its metaphoric finger as the man made of sand floats off into the horizon.
I swear I am not making this up.
Meanwhile, Harry is still dying. Oh wait, no, he's dead.
"We always have a choice," Peter's voiceover is saying. "My friend Harry taught me that." I'm not exactly sure how, but he's dead now and we're at his funeral. Gwen Stacy is here, with her father-- did they even know Harry? Huh. Well, now, Spider-man, ye alone of the comic book heroes motivated by guilt and the death of loved ones, what are you to do now? Your self-sworn best friend is dead because you dragged him into a crazy mess of people out for your blood, and you knew he was really bad at this supervillain/hero stuff because you kicked his ass twice decisively. Furthermore, he literally threw himself in front of you so you wouldn't be stabbed to death with the latest X-games sport. How do you feel?
He feels like he's gonna go dance with Mary Jane. So he does. The end.
Damn, these things get longer the more that I do them. I honestly don't know how I feel about this movie. I loved the first two films for their ability to mix humor and heart into all the action scenes. This one did that...but not the way that it meant to. On the other hand, I was so thoroughly entertained by the movie that I have a hard time calling it bad. I didn't feel like I wasted my time, and I was reduced to fits of maniacal laughter for half an hour afterward.
Also, I was approved to write the Locke/Celes thing at ship_manifesto so if people have any recs, links, or general opinions I'd really love to hear them.