Your March Horoscope brought to you by Toyfare
CAPRICORN: Nothing is more painful than regret. Leave the microwavable White Castle cheeseburgers in the freezer.
AQUARIUS: You will be playing a video game that takes up the whole screen. You will also feel the need to tell everyone about it.
PISCES: You're a strapping young lad with super-powers who has his pick of three gorgeous women. Yet you can't stop whining. Take a Kryptonite bath, you putz.
ARIES: Stop programing robots to love. And stop programing robots to kill. And to hunt mutants. In fact, enough with the robots already.
TAURUS: You feel misunderstood, alone, worthless. This is because you're misunderstood, alone and worthless. But at least you're a realist.
GEMINI: You tell someone that they wouldn't like you when you're angry. But don't be so hard on yourself! You're a great person with a lot to offer.
CANCER: You will kidnap a baby from a wealthy furniture-store owner, some escaped convicts will stay at your trailer home and...wait that's Raising Arizona. Sorry, I saw on cable this weekend. What a great flick.
LEO: You will lose all your indie cred when your song is featured in the background of The O.C. Luckily, you will find a lot of money. That's called karma. Wait...no it's not.
VIRGO: You will open a fortune cookie that says you will overcome great adversities. Don't believe it. The fortune cookie guy is such a hack.
LIBRA: Impress the ladies by learning how to juggle! Wait-did I say impress? I meant repel. Repel the ladies by learning how to juggle!
SCORPIO: You're a Hollywood executive who will get the bright idea to do a sequel to Bringin' Down Da House. Die a slow death via fire ants. That's not a prediction, just a suggestion.
SAGITTARIOUS: You're doing fine, so I'd like to take this opportunity to address whoever's going to cast my role in the G.L. Joe movie. Two words. Russell. Crowe.