(no subject)
my life sucks...
i've started crying about 10 times since i got home today. my day was shitty, but it pretty much sent me spiraling downward, making me think of things i was trying not to think about. i miss my dad so much it hurts. he's the only man in my life who hasn't let me down and now he's gone. everytime i want something it's like i can't have it. i literally have one friend who gives a fuck about my life (thank you again for cleaning by the way), and i have no boyfriend. i know that sounds pathetic, but that's what i want. i want someone who cares, who is there for me when i get home from work. someone who will be with me because he genuinely appreciates me, not just so they can use me. i found out some stuff about jesse the other night, and while i already know that he is selfish and never respected me, this made my heart ache and i'm wondering how it is that i spent 4 years with this person. everything i've been feeling for the last couple months seems to be pouring out. after jesse, david, brad, and ricky i feel so distrustful of guys and i hate it. i hate that i feel like i can only keep a guy if i do everything they want and don't ask for anything more. i hate how bitter i've become. i hate how after spending my life believeing that there is someone for everyone and that true love exists, that belief has started to die. i do want a boyfriend, but at the same time i don't. all i can think is that people are constantly using each other or one person is trying to change the other in a relationship and i can't stand it. i feel like right now i couldn't trust anybody and it leaves me feeling broken. i go back and forth between wanting to hide in my room and wanting to run away. i've really been trying to hold it together, but today was just the breaking point for me. it's funny, but living in a city with so many people, i've never felt so lonely.
mood: sad, disappointed, moody, lonely, pissed-off, depressed, tired, frustrated
i've started crying about 10 times since i got home today. my day was shitty, but it pretty much sent me spiraling downward, making me think of things i was trying not to think about. i miss my dad so much it hurts. he's the only man in my life who hasn't let me down and now he's gone. everytime i want something it's like i can't have it. i literally have one friend who gives a fuck about my life (thank you again for cleaning by the way), and i have no boyfriend. i know that sounds pathetic, but that's what i want. i want someone who cares, who is there for me when i get home from work. someone who will be with me because he genuinely appreciates me, not just so they can use me. i found out some stuff about jesse the other night, and while i already know that he is selfish and never respected me, this made my heart ache and i'm wondering how it is that i spent 4 years with this person. everything i've been feeling for the last couple months seems to be pouring out. after jesse, david, brad, and ricky i feel so distrustful of guys and i hate it. i hate that i feel like i can only keep a guy if i do everything they want and don't ask for anything more. i hate how bitter i've become. i hate how after spending my life believeing that there is someone for everyone and that true love exists, that belief has started to die. i do want a boyfriend, but at the same time i don't. all i can think is that people are constantly using each other or one person is trying to change the other in a relationship and i can't stand it. i feel like right now i couldn't trust anybody and it leaves me feeling broken. i go back and forth between wanting to hide in my room and wanting to run away. i've really been trying to hold it together, but today was just the breaking point for me. it's funny, but living in a city with so many people, i've never felt so lonely.
mood: sad, disappointed, moody, lonely, pissed-off, depressed, tired, frustrated