I dreamed that I knew the secret code/I cracked the formula and found the perfect note
[Afternoon of Saturday, September 26 (day 118)]
[Front steps of Zann's trailer]
Nice bright day, and warm enough you can sit outside in the sun and be happy as long as you've got a decent jacket, and I do. I'm sitting out on the steps, and I've brought Anti and Kythera out with me, and they are being so freaking adorable poking around. Makes me smile, but it doesn't last.
I wish I didn't know what to do. I was okay down on Main Street at the harvest festival they have, kinda not-thinking about it after I started hanging out with Cain and Kate, but that only lasts so long.
See, Syl came to see me, 'cause she wanted to give me a heads-up about Lily. Lilith. The words psycho monster boyfriend's psycho monster girlfriend came up, and apparently she's bad news, not that we're telling anyone about it, not that she's the kind of bad news worth warning people about (I told Essa and Xay and Sabela anyway, no details, just back off the way we would from the Doc when he first showed, see if she settles in).
And Syl and Tez are gonna try something to take care of her.
With Genny.
I kinda started getting all wound up after that, and yeah she's stressed and I get that, but "Zann, shut up and do what I tell you!" still cuts off a conversation like nothing else, shear and slam and drops it off dead.
So that's where things stand, and here's the shape of things, here's the pace and pattern I can make out:
Genny's doing something really fucking dangerous so that the cocknose who isn't family anymore (couldn't even keep to a show schedule!) can kick one of the Grindhouse girls out of the Carnivale. One of the Grindhouse girls who hasn't done anything wrong or caused any shit. And who just happens to be some kinda rival to him over Kent, though I guess we're all supposed to pretend he's too fucking pure and noble to let that have anything to do with it.
'cause that's always how we do it 'round here, Syl. We fuck over family for the people who fuck us over. Finish my cigarette and grind it out in the dirt and light another.
(Yeah yeah yeah, she luuuuurves him. That's just fixing him right the fuck up, isn't it?)
Her psycho monster boyfriend is okay, and she'll slice Genny up and feed her to him, and sure Genny's happy about it--I think Edmund was right, I think she's always gonna have her art shining in her and Tez can give her something no-one else except maybe Kent could. (Does the overlap between what Tez can do and what Hell itself could do give anyone pause, here? Not as far as I can see.) And yeah, she's happy. Daiyu's happy these days too.
But other people's psycho monster girlfriends, or friends? Even if they haven't done anything wrong? Even if they've tried to warn me off going to see Kent, warned me about the knives and edges hidden in that bright and shining promise? Oh, we can't have anything to do with them. Tez says so.
You know what, Syl? I've had it.
Fuck. You.
I stare at the cigarette smoke until it doubles and trebles in my sight, and then slowly settles back together, light shifting arpeggios and echoes, and I'm sure I'm not gonna cry. Don't wanna cry over this, not yet.
Least it's gonna be over soon, and then I can talk to Genny. I've been putting it off, 'cause I didn't want to upset her before whatever the fuck they're gonna do--I think that could be dangerous and I don't want to see her hurt. She's been so sweet lately, time and attention and it's almost like it used to be again, but I know what's coming, and something like this is gonna keep coming, every time Tez decides he wants something or gets pissy or decides it's neat, and I cannot handle this. I've tried. I just can't. I'm glad he makes her happy and I'm glad he makes her bright, and she'll be beautiful all the rest of her days and he'll teach her to shine like a star--but I cannot fucking cope. Anushka was right, and waiting to see which parts of her Tez is going to pull away next to leave her a little closer to being the shine on the edge of sharpened glass...
And I think no-one could stop Genny from following him, now. So if it's gonna be that way, I at least hope she'll be happy, I really do. And if it's an addict's happiness, and she ends up hollow before she breaks--oh, fuck, Genny, I wish I could do something, but I can't, I can't.
I just don't wanna fall apart watching you. I get to worry about that too, right?
So I'm gonna wait until it's over, and then talk to her. I'll make it as easy as I can, please god, thank you god, even if I still don't know exactly how to do that. And it'll be over.
[Closed]
[Front steps of Zann's trailer]
Nice bright day, and warm enough you can sit outside in the sun and be happy as long as you've got a decent jacket, and I do. I'm sitting out on the steps, and I've brought Anti and Kythera out with me, and they are being so freaking adorable poking around. Makes me smile, but it doesn't last.
I wish I didn't know what to do. I was okay down on Main Street at the harvest festival they have, kinda not-thinking about it after I started hanging out with Cain and Kate, but that only lasts so long.
See, Syl came to see me, 'cause she wanted to give me a heads-up about Lily. Lilith. The words psycho monster boyfriend's psycho monster girlfriend came up, and apparently she's bad news, not that we're telling anyone about it, not that she's the kind of bad news worth warning people about (I told Essa and Xay and Sabela anyway, no details, just back off the way we would from the Doc when he first showed, see if she settles in).
And Syl and Tez are gonna try something to take care of her.
With Genny.
I kinda started getting all wound up after that, and yeah she's stressed and I get that, but "Zann, shut up and do what I tell you!" still cuts off a conversation like nothing else, shear and slam and drops it off dead.
So that's where things stand, and here's the shape of things, here's the pace and pattern I can make out:
Genny's doing something really fucking dangerous so that the cocknose who isn't family anymore (couldn't even keep to a show schedule!) can kick one of the Grindhouse girls out of the Carnivale. One of the Grindhouse girls who hasn't done anything wrong or caused any shit. And who just happens to be some kinda rival to him over Kent, though I guess we're all supposed to pretend he's too fucking pure and noble to let that have anything to do with it.
'cause that's always how we do it 'round here, Syl. We fuck over family for the people who fuck us over. Finish my cigarette and grind it out in the dirt and light another.
(Yeah yeah yeah, she luuuuurves him. That's just fixing him right the fuck up, isn't it?)
Her psycho monster boyfriend is okay, and she'll slice Genny up and feed her to him, and sure Genny's happy about it--I think Edmund was right, I think she's always gonna have her art shining in her and Tez can give her something no-one else except maybe Kent could. (Does the overlap between what Tez can do and what Hell itself could do give anyone pause, here? Not as far as I can see.) And yeah, she's happy. Daiyu's happy these days too.
But other people's psycho monster girlfriends, or friends? Even if they haven't done anything wrong? Even if they've tried to warn me off going to see Kent, warned me about the knives and edges hidden in that bright and shining promise? Oh, we can't have anything to do with them. Tez says so.
You know what, Syl? I've had it.
Fuck. You.
I stare at the cigarette smoke until it doubles and trebles in my sight, and then slowly settles back together, light shifting arpeggios and echoes, and I'm sure I'm not gonna cry. Don't wanna cry over this, not yet.
Least it's gonna be over soon, and then I can talk to Genny. I've been putting it off, 'cause I didn't want to upset her before whatever the fuck they're gonna do--I think that could be dangerous and I don't want to see her hurt. She's been so sweet lately, time and attention and it's almost like it used to be again, but I know what's coming, and something like this is gonna keep coming, every time Tez decides he wants something or gets pissy or decides it's neat, and I cannot handle this. I've tried. I just can't. I'm glad he makes her happy and I'm glad he makes her bright, and she'll be beautiful all the rest of her days and he'll teach her to shine like a star--but I cannot fucking cope. Anushka was right, and waiting to see which parts of her Tez is going to pull away next to leave her a little closer to being the shine on the edge of sharpened glass...
And I think no-one could stop Genny from following him, now. So if it's gonna be that way, I at least hope she'll be happy, I really do. And if it's an addict's happiness, and she ends up hollow before she breaks--oh, fuck, Genny, I wish I could do something, but I can't, I can't.
I just don't wanna fall apart watching you. I get to worry about that too, right?
So I'm gonna wait until it's over, and then talk to her. I'll make it as easy as I can, please god, thank you god, even if I still don't know exactly how to do that. And it'll be over.
[Closed]