Heal Her Broken Wings (1/2)
Title: Heal Her Broken Wings
Rating: T (+) or M (-)
Author:
terapsina
Fandom: The Vampire Diaries
Pairing: Elijah/Elena
Word Count: 6'181
Parts: 1/2
Warnings: There is kinda' sexual non-explicit content. Warning about that… well I don't think I wrote it all that good, because this is my first attempt and you know - 'baby steps'.
Summary: AU after "All My Children". Elijah has been gone for a while when Elena suddenly turns up on his doorstep as a vampire. She needs him to help her come to grips with that and he needs to keep silent his feelings for her while he does so. Elejah.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
* Heal Her Broken Wings *
* x *
'Breathe. Just breathe. In and out, I can do it. Just breathe.'
She did. Oxygen was inhaled and exhaled. But she still couldn't feel it the way she should. Her chest moved, but it couldn't… it wouldn't relax. It felt as if her insides were skinning themselves raw. And she was hungry, so very hungry.
'Please just breathe. Just a minute longer, he'll help, he always does.'
* x *
There was a knock at his door and even before he opened it the sudden dread filled his awareness. There was a vampire waiting on the other side, - he could hear the heartbeat that was always barely out of sync with what a normal one would be, - but no one was supposed to know where he had settled.
Elijah had been off the radar of everyone for almost six months now and although he hadn't been exactly hiding having an unannounced guest was still somewhat worrying.
None of these troubling thoughts showed on his face when he opened his door however. After all being alive for a millennium had at least gifted him with the ultimate poker face, but once he saw the person on the other side he and his expression froze.
The dark eyes, the brown hair, the olive skin… the face of the ghost that had been haunting him for all his life.
And for a single fraction of a second he was sure it was Katerina, but then he truly looked at her and noticed the little tells so easily perceptible to him and instantly knew he was wrong, more than ever he wished he wasn't because this was so much more horrifying. But this Petrova was hyperventilating, fidgeting with her hands, this Petrova was carrying a world of weight in her gaze and ultimately this Petrova was looking at him with the sort of trust he had only ever seen on one face. This Petrova was a Gilbert first.
The girl he couldn't face was standing on the doorstep of his house and her heart was revealing the loss of her human life.
"Elena?"
Her hair fell messily out of her loose braid, her clothes were rumpled and her eyes screamed desperation he never wished to see in them. Elijah remembered her as one of the strongest people he had ever met, more moral, more honorable than even him and infinitely more compassionate than anyone else. But the young woman standing before him with bags by her feet and tears in her eyes was broken.
"I… I didn't know who else to go to."
He could cover his true feelings then, could imprison them behind a practiced façade of cool detachment so easily, but at this moment Elena deserved to see how her condition affected him so for once he let the agony free reign. He never wanted this for her. Her humanity was such a part of her character he had known turning her would be akin to ripping the wings off a butterfly. It was a cruelty even he would never stoop to and yet someone had.
One moment they stood there, three feet of air between them and the next she was in his arms crying, clutching him to her and releasing the sobs of a tortured spirit. He wanted to ask her what had happened, wanted to know who had killed her and to make that someone pay for this sin, to storm back to Mystic Falls and let loose his fury onto the brothers that were supposed to protect her, to ask how she'd found him. Instead he just stood, with his arms around her and his hand cradling her head closer to him as if trying to protect her from something that had already harmed her irreparably. All he could do to comfort her now was this soothing silence, his own presence and time so she might release with salty teardrops the bleeding of her heart and soul.
He had left her so he wouldn't be another man driving her towards edge with unwanted affection as well as to get back his sense of conscience and now for the first time he regretted it, because if he had been there at least she'd still be alive. If he'd been there she wouldn't have to fight her own body to stop herself from becoming the monster he finally admitted he was.
* x *
She was exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally weary. Being dead would be easier.
'Keep you eyes closed, if you don't open them you'll do fine. Your mom's downstairs making coffee. Dad's reading the morning paper aloud. Jeremy's in the other room indulging his horrible taste in music. Jenna's alive, partying on the other side of this sunny state. Vampires don't exist and you're not one of them.'
Someone ran their fingertips over paper, flipping the page. Another heartbeat in the room was craftily hiding behind hers. Familiar, comforting scent she didn't think she recognized until she did. Sandalwood, old books and something else entirely as well, something that had no name, but the closest possible approximation was earthy. He was here. Vampires were real. She was one of them.
She wanted to cry. She was too exhausted to even make an attempt.
* x *
It was a cloudy and slightly chilly morning outside, but the weather couldn't be further from Elijah's thoughts and he barely noticed it at all. Instead he was sitting in a chair by his bed pretending to read a book and waiting for Elena to wake up.
She had been completely drained after she stopped swimming in her own tears, barely able to move let alone speak so he guided her to his room, helped her remove her shoes and covered her with a blanket before taking his position of vigil by her side.
"The book's any good?"
Her voice was scratchy and raw, the lyrical quality usually present completely absent. He looked at the cover of his book, for the first time in slight embarrassment noticing that he was holding a dictionary and carefully put it down out of her sight.
"Yes, it's very… informative."
Her lips twitched and he knew she had read something in his tone or face that told her he was being careful with words again. It eased something in him, if she could smile even a little maybe not all of her was lost to this latest tragedy yet.
And then they just looked at each other. He was taking in her worn out eyes, memorizing the new rhythm of her heartbeat, trying to understand exactly what was it that kept pulling his every other thought towards her. Whatever it was it wasn't the face, never before had he been in such tune with a woman's every gesture, - every emotion behind a gesture, - it wasn't there with Katerina and not even Tatia had made him feel like this.
Sometimes it seemed she was the center of his universe and however much Elijah tried to distance himself he would always be pulled back to her side. He hadn't expected for her to be the one finding him though, then again Elena never failed to surprise and astonish him.
Suddenly she sighed, closing her eyes her expression signaling clear distress in the lines of her face and the rigid posture of her laying body. It stirred his heart in an unpleasant sense a little bit at this first sign of just how different her reactions had become, she usually didn't allow herself such obvious signs of stress.
"You can ask now."
And he wanted to, everything in him begged to pull out the information of what had prompted Elena to leave her home, run away from all the people she cared about to find him instead of dealing with her change with the help of one of the Salvatore's or even her vampire best friend. But he knew that sometimes retelling wasn't the cure it was made out to be, sometimes it just made things worse.
And as said Elijah was a patient man, he could wait until she was ready.
He turned towards the window, not being able to look at her when she was acting this hopeless. All the light seeping from her every smile was buried out of reach and maybe gone forever, he couldn't bring himself to make it worse than it was already.
"You don't have to tell me anything Elena."
"But I want to."
Her breathy whisper was so quiet he wouldn't have heard it if he wasn't an Original, but he was and so his head whipped back towards her. She was still looking at him and her honesty was bare before him clearly showing it within her mesmerizing brown pools, he clenched down on the feeling Elena's words inspired. She couldn't know why something so seemingly insignificant was suddenly so crucial.
He couldn't let her know what 'always and forever' meant either and if she knew one she'd figure out the other.
Loving her was cruel, not something he was ashamed of and too deeply rooted by now to be forgotten, but Elena didn't need to ever know it was there. She could barely deal with two suitors, adding a third would destroy her even if this change didn't.
"All right, Elena. What happened to you?"
"Damon turned me."
And for the first time in more years than he could right then count he needed to really fight to control his face from changing and his fangs from being revealed. By now he could drink blood when starving without doing either and yet the hungry simmering rage almost undid all his careful work. He tightly closed his eyes, that was the only change in his expression but his fingernails dug into his clenched palms until he knew she could smell his blood and Elijah almost lost the battle with the beast within.
But then he felt her warm touch on the side of his face grounding him back into reality, bringing him back from the bloodlust and the madness that would inevitably follow.
"It's fine Elijah. I'm fine."
He exhaled, keeping his eyes closed trying to postpone the moment when he'd have to open them, because he knew that she would step back once he did and he wanted to prolong her touch for even one moment longer. He was imprinting how this felt, how soft the skin of her fingers was, how gentle her touch, how she smelled slightly differently when standing this close. But nothing lasts forever and all too soon he had to look at her.
As always she surprised him, she didn't move an inch.
He looked deeply into her warm brown eyes and knew she was lying, it might be a kind lie, something he wished was the truth, but it wasn't. He was relieved to see all that compassion he loved about her still there, but now the edges were frayed and even if the gentle sympathy was still all encompassing it only hid the shattered ruins of the rest of her. He could see self loathing, anger, bitterness as well now. All the qualities Elena was so good with stepping back from were pushing back, threatening to overwhelm her kind nature.
And while he read her, she read him because he didn't have to contradict her reassurance, for as always Elena saw that he knew it wasn't anywhere near fine.
"Alright I'm not, but you will help."
It wasn't a question, there was too much ingrained conviction for that, there was no doubt in Elena's mind that he could help her and that he would. Slowly, but without hesitation Elijah put his hand on top of hers, cupping her palm even closer to his cheek and squeezed it in agreement. In comfort too, but his or hers? He didn't know and it didn't matter.
"Yes, Elena. I will do everything in my power to help you."
And afterwards he would pay a visit to the older Salvatore and make him regret ever hurting this woman in one of the worst ways possible. He didn't yet know the circumstances, but however justified they might be those didn't matter all that much when he needed to bring back the most remarkable woman from the edge before she had the chance to fall over and turn into the person she had sworn not to be.
He wouldn't let Elena lose all the humanity she held in her heart, the precious part he first - however unwillingly, - fell in love with.
* x *
'Always and forever.'
She understood the rest of his message so well, but those words confused her. They frightened her even as they comforted her. They were like a promise and an apology and a confession all by itself.
'But a confession of what?'
* x *
The utmost task on his agenda was curbing the bloodlust she would be forced to feel for the rest of her life. It was both the hardest and the easiest out of all the curses following a vampire.
"Why can't I just drink alcohol? Caroline said it helps."
"It does, but if you ever drank too much you would drown out the voice at the back of your mind that yells for you to step back, not get too close and stop. Even the best humans do terrible things when intoxicated and although vampires need a whole lot more to… how do you say it now? Ah yes, 'get plastered' it still happens, except the cost is always higher for us."
Her already pained expression turned sadder still, he could see she still hadn't fully accepted the change. It was understandable under the circumstances and the person he was dealing with, but he knew she needed to face this or she would never be able to master herself.
"So what you want from me is to sit still in front of a glass filled with human blood and then not drink it?"
"Essentially, yes. You are young and so before you can make yourself pull back once already drinking first you need to lower the temptation."
She exhaled in defeat and pulled her hair back in a loose ponytail to get them out of her drawn face. He stood transfixed as one strand escaped her hold inexplicably fixing his attention to her delicate neck. His fingers twitched. He wanted so badly to extend his hand to move the seemingly soft hairs behind her ear, but contained the want. He had an unfortunate talent for that.
Instead of broadcasting his feelings louder than he did anyway he headed towards the freezer and took out a bag of blood. As he carefully spilled the contents into a glass he could feel her eyes on the back of his head and couldn't help to wonder about what was running through her mind right then.
He turned around sending her one of his actual smiles, lately reserved only for her and sat back in his chair placing the glass between them on the table.
She immediately froze her eyes changing, her teeth extending and he needed to fight back the grief that suddenly threatened to swallow him. That transformation didn't belong on Elena's face.
For a minute they sat in silence, Elena growing more tense and ready to spring for the glass with every passing second.
"Distract me!"
It might have been worded as a command, but the plea was obvious in the tone. The note of desperation too was palpable and so he acquiesced.
"Very well." His tone turned quieter and into what Rebekah long ago with affection but now scathingly called his soothing story-teller voice, he still vividly remembered in his human days using it on the nights when the moon was full so that while hiding in the caves he might calm down his siblings by telling grand tales both true and imaginary. But he knew a story wouldn't help her, he needed to prompt her to talk herself. After all listening isn't quite as distracting as explaining something yourself, and as an added bonus there was a question that had bothered him since he opened his door to her. "I'm curious about something, how exactly did you find me? I did not tell anyone, not even my family where I would go."
"You didn't, which is why soon after you left I asked Bonnie to do a tracking spell for me in case we needed to get your help."
Her heart jumped, something about that sentence was a lie, but this wasn't the time to pull the truth from her and for once he might prefer to be deceived. In any case, he should have expected her answer, after all that's exactly what he would have done in her place. Actually that's what he had done when she was still nothing but the Doppelganger to him.
And yet that didn't explain all of it because as far as he knew he hadn't left the key ingredient behind. At the back of his mind he noticed her grip on her chair was loosening, the rest of him focused on the picture her answer was painting.
"Ah, but what did she use? I rather doubt you could get your hands on the blood of any of my siblings and I was careful to not leave any of my personal possessions behind to be found."
He didn't expect her answer, but on reflection he should have.
"Your letter."
It struck him a blow he wasn't wholly prepared for. He knew the letter meant more to him than her, but somehow the revelation that Elena shared his words with someone else was painful. It shouldn't mean much, as far as she knew it was just a letter of apology and goodbye, but that didn't change the point. Didn't change the hurt betrayal he under the circumstances had no right to feel.
As always, she read him like an open book. If that wasn't part of the attraction he felt for her he'd find it really very irritating, maybe he did anyway.
A secret smile grew within her eyes and unto her lips, transforming her whole face and he found himself speechless once again in her presence. It was the first real smile he'd seen since the one where she promised to inform him on what his mother told her. She slowly pushed the blood away from her never dropping their locked gaze and then spoke.
"She didn't read it Elijah."
And maybe she did know how important that letter was after all.
* x *
As the ring slid upon her finger, was placed there by his hand her breath caught and a vision formed. White and flowers, veils and 'I do'.
And then she was herself and he was Elijah and something incomprehensible had suddenly changed.
* x *
"Where are we going?"
He sent towards her a smile absentmindedly noticing how the longer she stayed with him the more often those came out. This close coexistence might not be about him, but while Elena tried to regain her inner strength she was unknowingly bringing back the happiness and yes 'humanity' he thought long since lost to him. Elena's brows were furrowed and for the first time since seeing her again she looked relaxed, his left hand clenched fighting the urge to reach for her hand.
Some of the physical borders had been breached when she cried in his arms, after all they no longer carefully avoided any accidental contact, but most still remained and he wasn't quite ready to chop down the rest of them. Sadly he thought he might be waiting for her to be the one to initiate the breech.
"To see a witch I have a deal with. I noticed you do not yet have a lapis lazuli, we must rectify that."
It was true. He'd noticed it when he put her to sleep the night she showed up and directly after covered the windows accordingly, but she couldn't live life to the fullest in the dark and so this little outing was now taking place.
Elijah glanced at her from the corner of his eye without turning his head. Elena was looking in the distance past the houses and cars towards the horizon and at the crescent moon illuminating the slowly blooming spring earth. Her eyes were glazed over and a bit misty probably from looking through slightly painful memories again, he wished she would stop doing that, it made him want to draw her near so he might do something unwise that would make her forget everything but him for just a moment.
"I didn't really have time to ask for one, I left as soon as… as soon as I became a vampire."
Her voice broke on the last word, but he pretended not to have noticed. This wasn't the time to direct her through muddy emotional waters, instead it was a moment to gift back the sun stolen from her.
They reached their destination, the little Chinese shop tucked around a shaded corner and as he guided her towards it - not quite touching the back of her hand - she stumbled. He caught her before she could fall instantly noticing her suddenly rapid heartbeat over his own accelerated one. Before either of them could say anything Elijah took a grip of himself, steadied her and politely knocked at the door.
"Shénme?"
The snarl was just as rigid as he remembered it and the middle aged Chinese woman behind it just as formidable. She took one look at him and if it's possible turned sourer but much less menacing, after all he had sporadically known her all her life. And as she tended to remind him on the rare occasions they met she didn't have to like it.
"Oh it's you. Shoulda' known, you're the only vampire I know who bothers knocking."
And suddenly she spoke impeccable English with a barely perceptible British accent. It still amused him when Samantha made herself seem foreign although having grown up in Baltimore and studied in London it had taken all her inherited stubbornness to learn traditional Chinese from her own grandmother at all. But he understood the reasoning, even vampires were prone to stereotyping and it was always useful to seem like you don't entirely comprehend a language, it's why she was still alive. Well that and his guaranteed continued protection of her line.
Samantha looked to his left finally taking in the woman beside him and the glare came back full force.
"You brought Katherine to my home? I thought we agreed you wouldn't drag the killers with you."
Elena almost imperceptibly flinched, the sharp words of the witch striking hard. Elijah had a suspicion that since there was again less difference between the identical looking women she was even more uncomfortable and hurt by any comparisons.
"I do apologize, introductions seem to be in order. Samantha this is Elena Gilbert and a descendant of Katerina, she was sadly recently turned but has not killed a human in her life. Elena let me introduce you to Samantha Chen Sing the witch I wanted us to visit."
The witch's eyes turned slightly apologetic, but otherwise she only inclined her head. Looking back at him she stepped back in silent invitation.
Elijah didn't move, placed an arm on Elena's shoulder to stop her from stepping forward when she made a move to do so and raised his eyebrow because he had no wish to run into an invisible barrier. He was well aware she performed some archaic rescinding ritual after every instance she had to temporarily invite a vampire in.
The wicked smile he received for his lack of movement left no doubt she was reminiscing on the one and single moment he made that mistake.
"Come in."
The front area of the shop was cozy if extremely cliché, the Chinese souvenirs were all around them covering the dark wooden shelves and the incense choking the room completed the picture of what someone ignorant of the ability's of the owner would expect.
"So Elijah Smith, what is it exactly you want this time? I thought I made myself very clear on your vendetta against Klaus, I'm willing to help you attain any magical objects you have a wish for, but I do not want to be on the psychopaths radar."
Samantha was standing behind the counter carefully keeping and eye on both him and Elena, after all a truce only went so far and over the centuries he had learned that laying down of arms was the only positive relationship he could share with a witch.
"This isn't about Niklaus. I am here to acquire a daylight ring for my guest."
Samantha relaxed at hearing this, but crossed her arms and he knew it was time for the scripted dance he had been doing with her family through the past three hundred years.
"And I get?"
"Two additional generations should be fair."
"Fine, but say the words."
"I agree to protect your next nine direct descendants from any harm sought by vampires and come to their aid to assist them with any other threat if I am called. You have my word on that."
"Great. Wait a moment and I'll be back with what I have."
Elena had been observing him in clear amusement all through the exchange, his own lips curled. It was a bit humorous the way his interactions with the Chens went.
"Yes Elena?"
"Oh nothing, but it seems I'm not the only one who knows how you honor your word."
He didn't respond, just gauging her sincerity from her eyes and saw no sarcasm there, only open honesty. He didn't think it was possible to feel all that relief, she really had forgiven him.
Their connection was broken by the return of Samantha, she was carrying a drawer containing about fifty different rings starting with simple bands and ending with expensive jeweled ones. The Chens weren't the most powerful magic user family, but they were collectors and most of their merchandise was enchanted objects found or bought from the estates of dead lines… or dead vampires.
"Well Elena? Which would you like to have?"
Elena took his words for the invitation it was and started looking through the different rings.
"You know I'm going to pay you back for this."
"There is no need. Consider this a very late birthday gift, I missed the chance to congratulate you because of my brother so now is as good a time as any I believe."
"Thank you then." She turned back towards him and showed him her choice held in the palm of her right hand.
Without considering the implications he took the white gold ring from her noticing the exquisite Celtic knot the metal was tied in and then as if hypnotized took hold of her right hand in his, slowly sliding the beautiful creation onto her delicate ring finger he carefully kept his breathing even.
Her heart was jumping in her chest more quickly than he had ever heard it except when afraid and when he looked at her their eyes once again connecting in a way more binding than he was entirely aware of. Elijah took her in. There was a rosy blush covering her cheeks - the first one there since the turn - and her eyes were wider than normal, her lips parted letting out a little gasp.
Only then did he understand what the move looked like.
They might have stood like that for a lot longer if not for the witch he had completely forgotten about.
"Alright lovebirds," she grimaced looking slightly ill at the thought "You might like to waste your own time because you have so much of it, but I'd really appreciate it if you left so I wouldn't have to see you for like another ten years or so. Thanks."
The spell entwining them was lifted with the intrusion of the voice and he let go of Elena's hand stepping back to keep a decent distance, once more looking at her he couldn't help the slight thrill that ran down his spine once he saw the slight disappointment on her face.
But then she straightened, her face closing off and he composed himself as well.
"Thank you Samantha, we will bother you no more. I hope you will have a nice evening."
"Bye Samantha, it was nice meeting you and thanks for the ring."
Turning together towards the door they exited silently, without words or looks exchanging an agreement never to talk about what had taken place not moments ago.
* x *
"Rebekah, don't do this!"
"Why not? You did, and hey I wanna' see if you can come back from this too."
"What happened? Damon?"
"I'm sorry Elena."
"What did you do?"
"Please drink, I can't live with you dead."
"I can't. Stefan I don't want this life."
"But you have to live, for me, for Damon. For Jeremy, please!"
* x *
She was crying in her sleep again.
Elijah was reading in the well lit library he couldn't live without and her guest room was on the other side of the house, but his hearing was better than that of a wolves - granted an ordinary ones, - so that didn't actually matter all that much.
It was almost a nightly occurrence, Elena would go to sleep, toss around awake for an hour or two before finally falling asleep only to then start crying when facing the invisible monsters he could do nothing to vanquish. And listening was slowly tearing him apart in ways he mistakenly thought he was no longer capable of.
He had stayed away until now because going upstairs to wake her would be an invasion of privacy he wasn't certain she would approve of and frankly she needed all the sleep she could get, even if it was for a short time every night filled with tears. But then he heard the scream erupting from her throat and knew he couldn't stand by to listen to her suffer any longer, maybe he should have had the courage to do this before, but now faster than a human blink he was up the stairs and by the door that separated him from Elena.
When he finally entered he did so at a speed expected from a mortal, but then stopped short in his tracks once his eyes finally fell upon her slumbering form.
She looked different asleep, not peaceful, the tears covering her face making that completely impossible and yet somehow the sight was in a way more otherworldly beautiful than the one she made when awake. There was an eerie translucent quality to her loveliness now, the dark hair falling around on her pillow creating a messy halo and the sweat covering the skin of her body making her shine in the pale moonlight seeping through the window. If the picture she unknowingly made wasn't so tragic in nature and his heart didn't ache at the very sight he might consider this to be the moment where she looked her most alluring.
He shook his head ridding himself of the avalanche of thoughts best left alone and tried instead to come up with something he could do to banish the nightmares torturing her well deserved rest. Preferably without the need to wake her and rob her of the remaining hours better spent regaining her energy.
He could change her dream of course, but to do that he would first have to enter her mind and that was something he had long ago promised never to do. It was an act of violation he had developed distaste for in the years spent by the side of his brother.
No, there was only really one thing he could do that might work.
Without sound he sat on the side of her bed and after a moment of indecision took a hold of her hand. Slowly at first Elijah started to run soothing circles over her knuckles with his thumb and then surprising himself started to hum a soft melody.
He didn't have the best voice not even within his own family, that ability once upon a time belonged to Henrik, but it wasn't bad either. The lullaby came back as if he'd never forgotten it and although the words were long since lost to him he remembered it as one his mother sang them to sleep to. It was part of the group of memories he had sought to extinguish when Esther destroyed the image of kindness he once held of her.
Minutes later it seemed to work, because pain was slowly bleeding away from her face, soothing the lines between her eyebrows and casting the peaceful look he hoped to one day see again on her conscious face as well. The tears ceased to run down her cheeks and he held in the breath of relief trying to escape.
It took ten more minutes until he was certain Elena was back in deep slumber again, uninterrupted by either dreams or nightmares of any kind. By the time her heart was deep and steady once more he - without being aware of it himself - had started playing with the band of precious metal on her finger.
Suddenly Elijah realized that this might be his one chance to say out loud that cherished secret which had rooted itself into his mind and heart without burdening the soul of someone already so very torn.
"My lovely Elena, I am sorry. It seems I couldn't stop myself from making that mistake again after all." He sighed in tiredness no mortal could ever truly comprehend and leaned forward kissing her brow. "It does look like I'm once more at the mercy of our greatest weakness. And yet somehow I do not regret it, I had almost forgotten how it is to feel so much for another. I love you."
After running his thumb over the ring on her finger one last time he stood up leaving the sanctuary he invaded without her permission.
Some of the weight was lifted with his confession, but the longing was only deepening and he had no doubt that keeping his distance would be a hundred times harder from now on.
But Elena's wellbeing was worth the heartache.
* x *
He was looking at her again. She could feel his eyes. Gentle and thoughtful, hiding a secret she was afraid to guess at.
A threatening stranger. An ally. A friend. Something different. Something more.
'Who is he to me now?'
* x *
He could no longer remember what home felt like. Too long a time had passed since anything close to it existed. Not since Rebekah still smiled at him had he felt it around him. Not since Klaus still laughed with anything but cruelty had home been anything but a dream. Not since Kol's eyes danced with something other than malicious glee had he completely relaxed. Not since Finn could express any other emotion but misery had that peace been present. Not since Esther was still a mother had it been anything but a bitter memory. Not since Mikael was a father who protected not hunted his children. Not since Henrik was still alive and looking up to all his siblings, trying to be just like them.
But all of that was gone. He often hoped, but never imagined that he could recapture that elusive concept.
And yet the longer he lived with Elena the more he felt at home and he was well aware it had nothing to do with the house and everything to do with the woman. It terrified him, kept him awake at night.
It wouldn't last, because sooner or later Elena would come to terms with her new future. Sooner or later she would forgive Damon like she did a hundred times before. Sooner or later she would see Stefan again and notice how much she still loved him. Sooner or later she wouldn't be able to take the distance between herself and her brother. Sooner or later she would leave.
Soon Elijah would be all alone again, but this time he would know exactly what it would be he'd be missing. And he wasn't sure how he would go on after that.
So he enjoyed what he could get. And as they sat in his library in silence with books in their laps Elijah let himself be immersed in home by the sound of her heartbeat and the little laughs she tried to smother while reading something amusing.
The clock was ticking against him and the more he helped her the less time he had left. Happiness was fleeting it was something that couldn't be held, like a breeze of warm wind that never stayed leaving only the memory of warmth behind.
* Part 2 *
Rating: T (+) or M (-)
Author:
terapsina
Fandom: The Vampire Diaries
Pairing: Elijah/Elena
Word Count: 6'181
Parts: 1/2
Warnings: There is kinda' sexual non-explicit content. Warning about that… well I don't think I wrote it all that good, because this is my first attempt and you know - 'baby steps'.
Summary: AU after "All My Children". Elijah has been gone for a while when Elena suddenly turns up on his doorstep as a vampire. She needs him to help her come to grips with that and he needs to keep silent his feelings for her while he does so. Elejah.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
* Heal Her Broken Wings *
* x *
'Breathe. Just breathe. In and out, I can do it. Just breathe.'
She did. Oxygen was inhaled and exhaled. But she still couldn't feel it the way she should. Her chest moved, but it couldn't… it wouldn't relax. It felt as if her insides were skinning themselves raw. And she was hungry, so very hungry.
'Please just breathe. Just a minute longer, he'll help, he always does.'
* x *
There was a knock at his door and even before he opened it the sudden dread filled his awareness. There was a vampire waiting on the other side, - he could hear the heartbeat that was always barely out of sync with what a normal one would be, - but no one was supposed to know where he had settled.
Elijah had been off the radar of everyone for almost six months now and although he hadn't been exactly hiding having an unannounced guest was still somewhat worrying.
None of these troubling thoughts showed on his face when he opened his door however. After all being alive for a millennium had at least gifted him with the ultimate poker face, but once he saw the person on the other side he and his expression froze.
The dark eyes, the brown hair, the olive skin… the face of the ghost that had been haunting him for all his life.
And for a single fraction of a second he was sure it was Katerina, but then he truly looked at her and noticed the little tells so easily perceptible to him and instantly knew he was wrong, more than ever he wished he wasn't because this was so much more horrifying. But this Petrova was hyperventilating, fidgeting with her hands, this Petrova was carrying a world of weight in her gaze and ultimately this Petrova was looking at him with the sort of trust he had only ever seen on one face. This Petrova was a Gilbert first.
The girl he couldn't face was standing on the doorstep of his house and her heart was revealing the loss of her human life.
"Elena?"
Her hair fell messily out of her loose braid, her clothes were rumpled and her eyes screamed desperation he never wished to see in them. Elijah remembered her as one of the strongest people he had ever met, more moral, more honorable than even him and infinitely more compassionate than anyone else. But the young woman standing before him with bags by her feet and tears in her eyes was broken.
"I… I didn't know who else to go to."
He could cover his true feelings then, could imprison them behind a practiced façade of cool detachment so easily, but at this moment Elena deserved to see how her condition affected him so for once he let the agony free reign. He never wanted this for her. Her humanity was such a part of her character he had known turning her would be akin to ripping the wings off a butterfly. It was a cruelty even he would never stoop to and yet someone had.
One moment they stood there, three feet of air between them and the next she was in his arms crying, clutching him to her and releasing the sobs of a tortured spirit. He wanted to ask her what had happened, wanted to know who had killed her and to make that someone pay for this sin, to storm back to Mystic Falls and let loose his fury onto the brothers that were supposed to protect her, to ask how she'd found him. Instead he just stood, with his arms around her and his hand cradling her head closer to him as if trying to protect her from something that had already harmed her irreparably. All he could do to comfort her now was this soothing silence, his own presence and time so she might release with salty teardrops the bleeding of her heart and soul.
He had left her so he wouldn't be another man driving her towards edge with unwanted affection as well as to get back his sense of conscience and now for the first time he regretted it, because if he had been there at least she'd still be alive. If he'd been there she wouldn't have to fight her own body to stop herself from becoming the monster he finally admitted he was.
* x *
She was exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally weary. Being dead would be easier.
'Keep you eyes closed, if you don't open them you'll do fine. Your mom's downstairs making coffee. Dad's reading the morning paper aloud. Jeremy's in the other room indulging his horrible taste in music. Jenna's alive, partying on the other side of this sunny state. Vampires don't exist and you're not one of them.'
Someone ran their fingertips over paper, flipping the page. Another heartbeat in the room was craftily hiding behind hers. Familiar, comforting scent she didn't think she recognized until she did. Sandalwood, old books and something else entirely as well, something that had no name, but the closest possible approximation was earthy. He was here. Vampires were real. She was one of them.
She wanted to cry. She was too exhausted to even make an attempt.
* x *
It was a cloudy and slightly chilly morning outside, but the weather couldn't be further from Elijah's thoughts and he barely noticed it at all. Instead he was sitting in a chair by his bed pretending to read a book and waiting for Elena to wake up.
She had been completely drained after she stopped swimming in her own tears, barely able to move let alone speak so he guided her to his room, helped her remove her shoes and covered her with a blanket before taking his position of vigil by her side.
"The book's any good?"
Her voice was scratchy and raw, the lyrical quality usually present completely absent. He looked at the cover of his book, for the first time in slight embarrassment noticing that he was holding a dictionary and carefully put it down out of her sight.
"Yes, it's very… informative."
Her lips twitched and he knew she had read something in his tone or face that told her he was being careful with words again. It eased something in him, if she could smile even a little maybe not all of her was lost to this latest tragedy yet.
And then they just looked at each other. He was taking in her worn out eyes, memorizing the new rhythm of her heartbeat, trying to understand exactly what was it that kept pulling his every other thought towards her. Whatever it was it wasn't the face, never before had he been in such tune with a woman's every gesture, - every emotion behind a gesture, - it wasn't there with Katerina and not even Tatia had made him feel like this.
Sometimes it seemed she was the center of his universe and however much Elijah tried to distance himself he would always be pulled back to her side. He hadn't expected for her to be the one finding him though, then again Elena never failed to surprise and astonish him.
Suddenly she sighed, closing her eyes her expression signaling clear distress in the lines of her face and the rigid posture of her laying body. It stirred his heart in an unpleasant sense a little bit at this first sign of just how different her reactions had become, she usually didn't allow herself such obvious signs of stress.
"You can ask now."
And he wanted to, everything in him begged to pull out the information of what had prompted Elena to leave her home, run away from all the people she cared about to find him instead of dealing with her change with the help of one of the Salvatore's or even her vampire best friend. But he knew that sometimes retelling wasn't the cure it was made out to be, sometimes it just made things worse.
And as said Elijah was a patient man, he could wait until she was ready.
He turned towards the window, not being able to look at her when she was acting this hopeless. All the light seeping from her every smile was buried out of reach and maybe gone forever, he couldn't bring himself to make it worse than it was already.
"You don't have to tell me anything Elena."
"But I want to."
Her breathy whisper was so quiet he wouldn't have heard it if he wasn't an Original, but he was and so his head whipped back towards her. She was still looking at him and her honesty was bare before him clearly showing it within her mesmerizing brown pools, he clenched down on the feeling Elena's words inspired. She couldn't know why something so seemingly insignificant was suddenly so crucial.
He couldn't let her know what 'always and forever' meant either and if she knew one she'd figure out the other.
Loving her was cruel, not something he was ashamed of and too deeply rooted by now to be forgotten, but Elena didn't need to ever know it was there. She could barely deal with two suitors, adding a third would destroy her even if this change didn't.
"All right, Elena. What happened to you?"
"Damon turned me."
And for the first time in more years than he could right then count he needed to really fight to control his face from changing and his fangs from being revealed. By now he could drink blood when starving without doing either and yet the hungry simmering rage almost undid all his careful work. He tightly closed his eyes, that was the only change in his expression but his fingernails dug into his clenched palms until he knew she could smell his blood and Elijah almost lost the battle with the beast within.
But then he felt her warm touch on the side of his face grounding him back into reality, bringing him back from the bloodlust and the madness that would inevitably follow.
"It's fine Elijah. I'm fine."
He exhaled, keeping his eyes closed trying to postpone the moment when he'd have to open them, because he knew that she would step back once he did and he wanted to prolong her touch for even one moment longer. He was imprinting how this felt, how soft the skin of her fingers was, how gentle her touch, how she smelled slightly differently when standing this close. But nothing lasts forever and all too soon he had to look at her.
As always she surprised him, she didn't move an inch.
He looked deeply into her warm brown eyes and knew she was lying, it might be a kind lie, something he wished was the truth, but it wasn't. He was relieved to see all that compassion he loved about her still there, but now the edges were frayed and even if the gentle sympathy was still all encompassing it only hid the shattered ruins of the rest of her. He could see self loathing, anger, bitterness as well now. All the qualities Elena was so good with stepping back from were pushing back, threatening to overwhelm her kind nature.
And while he read her, she read him because he didn't have to contradict her reassurance, for as always Elena saw that he knew it wasn't anywhere near fine.
"Alright I'm not, but you will help."
It wasn't a question, there was too much ingrained conviction for that, there was no doubt in Elena's mind that he could help her and that he would. Slowly, but without hesitation Elijah put his hand on top of hers, cupping her palm even closer to his cheek and squeezed it in agreement. In comfort too, but his or hers? He didn't know and it didn't matter.
"Yes, Elena. I will do everything in my power to help you."
And afterwards he would pay a visit to the older Salvatore and make him regret ever hurting this woman in one of the worst ways possible. He didn't yet know the circumstances, but however justified they might be those didn't matter all that much when he needed to bring back the most remarkable woman from the edge before she had the chance to fall over and turn into the person she had sworn not to be.
He wouldn't let Elena lose all the humanity she held in her heart, the precious part he first - however unwillingly, - fell in love with.
* x *
'Always and forever.'
She understood the rest of his message so well, but those words confused her. They frightened her even as they comforted her. They were like a promise and an apology and a confession all by itself.
'But a confession of what?'
* x *
The utmost task on his agenda was curbing the bloodlust she would be forced to feel for the rest of her life. It was both the hardest and the easiest out of all the curses following a vampire.
"Why can't I just drink alcohol? Caroline said it helps."
"It does, but if you ever drank too much you would drown out the voice at the back of your mind that yells for you to step back, not get too close and stop. Even the best humans do terrible things when intoxicated and although vampires need a whole lot more to… how do you say it now? Ah yes, 'get plastered' it still happens, except the cost is always higher for us."
Her already pained expression turned sadder still, he could see she still hadn't fully accepted the change. It was understandable under the circumstances and the person he was dealing with, but he knew she needed to face this or she would never be able to master herself.
"So what you want from me is to sit still in front of a glass filled with human blood and then not drink it?"
"Essentially, yes. You are young and so before you can make yourself pull back once already drinking first you need to lower the temptation."
She exhaled in defeat and pulled her hair back in a loose ponytail to get them out of her drawn face. He stood transfixed as one strand escaped her hold inexplicably fixing his attention to her delicate neck. His fingers twitched. He wanted so badly to extend his hand to move the seemingly soft hairs behind her ear, but contained the want. He had an unfortunate talent for that.
Instead of broadcasting his feelings louder than he did anyway he headed towards the freezer and took out a bag of blood. As he carefully spilled the contents into a glass he could feel her eyes on the back of his head and couldn't help to wonder about what was running through her mind right then.
He turned around sending her one of his actual smiles, lately reserved only for her and sat back in his chair placing the glass between them on the table.
She immediately froze her eyes changing, her teeth extending and he needed to fight back the grief that suddenly threatened to swallow him. That transformation didn't belong on Elena's face.
For a minute they sat in silence, Elena growing more tense and ready to spring for the glass with every passing second.
"Distract me!"
It might have been worded as a command, but the plea was obvious in the tone. The note of desperation too was palpable and so he acquiesced.
"Very well." His tone turned quieter and into what Rebekah long ago with affection but now scathingly called his soothing story-teller voice, he still vividly remembered in his human days using it on the nights when the moon was full so that while hiding in the caves he might calm down his siblings by telling grand tales both true and imaginary. But he knew a story wouldn't help her, he needed to prompt her to talk herself. After all listening isn't quite as distracting as explaining something yourself, and as an added bonus there was a question that had bothered him since he opened his door to her. "I'm curious about something, how exactly did you find me? I did not tell anyone, not even my family where I would go."
"You didn't, which is why soon after you left I asked Bonnie to do a tracking spell for me in case we needed to get your help."
Her heart jumped, something about that sentence was a lie, but this wasn't the time to pull the truth from her and for once he might prefer to be deceived. In any case, he should have expected her answer, after all that's exactly what he would have done in her place. Actually that's what he had done when she was still nothing but the Doppelganger to him.
And yet that didn't explain all of it because as far as he knew he hadn't left the key ingredient behind. At the back of his mind he noticed her grip on her chair was loosening, the rest of him focused on the picture her answer was painting.
"Ah, but what did she use? I rather doubt you could get your hands on the blood of any of my siblings and I was careful to not leave any of my personal possessions behind to be found."
He didn't expect her answer, but on reflection he should have.
"Your letter."
It struck him a blow he wasn't wholly prepared for. He knew the letter meant more to him than her, but somehow the revelation that Elena shared his words with someone else was painful. It shouldn't mean much, as far as she knew it was just a letter of apology and goodbye, but that didn't change the point. Didn't change the hurt betrayal he under the circumstances had no right to feel.
As always, she read him like an open book. If that wasn't part of the attraction he felt for her he'd find it really very irritating, maybe he did anyway.
A secret smile grew within her eyes and unto her lips, transforming her whole face and he found himself speechless once again in her presence. It was the first real smile he'd seen since the one where she promised to inform him on what his mother told her. She slowly pushed the blood away from her never dropping their locked gaze and then spoke.
"She didn't read it Elijah."
And maybe she did know how important that letter was after all.
* x *
As the ring slid upon her finger, was placed there by his hand her breath caught and a vision formed. White and flowers, veils and 'I do'.
And then she was herself and he was Elijah and something incomprehensible had suddenly changed.
* x *
"Where are we going?"
He sent towards her a smile absentmindedly noticing how the longer she stayed with him the more often those came out. This close coexistence might not be about him, but while Elena tried to regain her inner strength she was unknowingly bringing back the happiness and yes 'humanity' he thought long since lost to him. Elena's brows were furrowed and for the first time since seeing her again she looked relaxed, his left hand clenched fighting the urge to reach for her hand.
Some of the physical borders had been breached when she cried in his arms, after all they no longer carefully avoided any accidental contact, but most still remained and he wasn't quite ready to chop down the rest of them. Sadly he thought he might be waiting for her to be the one to initiate the breech.
"To see a witch I have a deal with. I noticed you do not yet have a lapis lazuli, we must rectify that."
It was true. He'd noticed it when he put her to sleep the night she showed up and directly after covered the windows accordingly, but she couldn't live life to the fullest in the dark and so this little outing was now taking place.
Elijah glanced at her from the corner of his eye without turning his head. Elena was looking in the distance past the houses and cars towards the horizon and at the crescent moon illuminating the slowly blooming spring earth. Her eyes were glazed over and a bit misty probably from looking through slightly painful memories again, he wished she would stop doing that, it made him want to draw her near so he might do something unwise that would make her forget everything but him for just a moment.
"I didn't really have time to ask for one, I left as soon as… as soon as I became a vampire."
Her voice broke on the last word, but he pretended not to have noticed. This wasn't the time to direct her through muddy emotional waters, instead it was a moment to gift back the sun stolen from her.
They reached their destination, the little Chinese shop tucked around a shaded corner and as he guided her towards it - not quite touching the back of her hand - she stumbled. He caught her before she could fall instantly noticing her suddenly rapid heartbeat over his own accelerated one. Before either of them could say anything Elijah took a grip of himself, steadied her and politely knocked at the door.
"Shénme?"
The snarl was just as rigid as he remembered it and the middle aged Chinese woman behind it just as formidable. She took one look at him and if it's possible turned sourer but much less menacing, after all he had sporadically known her all her life. And as she tended to remind him on the rare occasions they met she didn't have to like it.
"Oh it's you. Shoulda' known, you're the only vampire I know who bothers knocking."
And suddenly she spoke impeccable English with a barely perceptible British accent. It still amused him when Samantha made herself seem foreign although having grown up in Baltimore and studied in London it had taken all her inherited stubbornness to learn traditional Chinese from her own grandmother at all. But he understood the reasoning, even vampires were prone to stereotyping and it was always useful to seem like you don't entirely comprehend a language, it's why she was still alive. Well that and his guaranteed continued protection of her line.
Samantha looked to his left finally taking in the woman beside him and the glare came back full force.
"You brought Katherine to my home? I thought we agreed you wouldn't drag the killers with you."
Elena almost imperceptibly flinched, the sharp words of the witch striking hard. Elijah had a suspicion that since there was again less difference between the identical looking women she was even more uncomfortable and hurt by any comparisons.
"I do apologize, introductions seem to be in order. Samantha this is Elena Gilbert and a descendant of Katerina, she was sadly recently turned but has not killed a human in her life. Elena let me introduce you to Samantha Chen Sing the witch I wanted us to visit."
The witch's eyes turned slightly apologetic, but otherwise she only inclined her head. Looking back at him she stepped back in silent invitation.
Elijah didn't move, placed an arm on Elena's shoulder to stop her from stepping forward when she made a move to do so and raised his eyebrow because he had no wish to run into an invisible barrier. He was well aware she performed some archaic rescinding ritual after every instance she had to temporarily invite a vampire in.
The wicked smile he received for his lack of movement left no doubt she was reminiscing on the one and single moment he made that mistake.
"Come in."
The front area of the shop was cozy if extremely cliché, the Chinese souvenirs were all around them covering the dark wooden shelves and the incense choking the room completed the picture of what someone ignorant of the ability's of the owner would expect.
"So Elijah Smith, what is it exactly you want this time? I thought I made myself very clear on your vendetta against Klaus, I'm willing to help you attain any magical objects you have a wish for, but I do not want to be on the psychopaths radar."
Samantha was standing behind the counter carefully keeping and eye on both him and Elena, after all a truce only went so far and over the centuries he had learned that laying down of arms was the only positive relationship he could share with a witch.
"This isn't about Niklaus. I am here to acquire a daylight ring for my guest."
Samantha relaxed at hearing this, but crossed her arms and he knew it was time for the scripted dance he had been doing with her family through the past three hundred years.
"And I get?"
"Two additional generations should be fair."
"Fine, but say the words."
"I agree to protect your next nine direct descendants from any harm sought by vampires and come to their aid to assist them with any other threat if I am called. You have my word on that."
"Great. Wait a moment and I'll be back with what I have."
Elena had been observing him in clear amusement all through the exchange, his own lips curled. It was a bit humorous the way his interactions with the Chens went.
"Yes Elena?"
"Oh nothing, but it seems I'm not the only one who knows how you honor your word."
He didn't respond, just gauging her sincerity from her eyes and saw no sarcasm there, only open honesty. He didn't think it was possible to feel all that relief, she really had forgiven him.
Their connection was broken by the return of Samantha, she was carrying a drawer containing about fifty different rings starting with simple bands and ending with expensive jeweled ones. The Chens weren't the most powerful magic user family, but they were collectors and most of their merchandise was enchanted objects found or bought from the estates of dead lines… or dead vampires.
"Well Elena? Which would you like to have?"
Elena took his words for the invitation it was and started looking through the different rings.
"You know I'm going to pay you back for this."
"There is no need. Consider this a very late birthday gift, I missed the chance to congratulate you because of my brother so now is as good a time as any I believe."
"Thank you then." She turned back towards him and showed him her choice held in the palm of her right hand.
Without considering the implications he took the white gold ring from her noticing the exquisite Celtic knot the metal was tied in and then as if hypnotized took hold of her right hand in his, slowly sliding the beautiful creation onto her delicate ring finger he carefully kept his breathing even.
Her heart was jumping in her chest more quickly than he had ever heard it except when afraid and when he looked at her their eyes once again connecting in a way more binding than he was entirely aware of. Elijah took her in. There was a rosy blush covering her cheeks - the first one there since the turn - and her eyes were wider than normal, her lips parted letting out a little gasp.
Only then did he understand what the move looked like.
They might have stood like that for a lot longer if not for the witch he had completely forgotten about.
"Alright lovebirds," she grimaced looking slightly ill at the thought "You might like to waste your own time because you have so much of it, but I'd really appreciate it if you left so I wouldn't have to see you for like another ten years or so. Thanks."
The spell entwining them was lifted with the intrusion of the voice and he let go of Elena's hand stepping back to keep a decent distance, once more looking at her he couldn't help the slight thrill that ran down his spine once he saw the slight disappointment on her face.
But then she straightened, her face closing off and he composed himself as well.
"Thank you Samantha, we will bother you no more. I hope you will have a nice evening."
"Bye Samantha, it was nice meeting you and thanks for the ring."
Turning together towards the door they exited silently, without words or looks exchanging an agreement never to talk about what had taken place not moments ago.
* x *
"Rebekah, don't do this!"
"Why not? You did, and hey I wanna' see if you can come back from this too."
"What happened? Damon?"
"I'm sorry Elena."
"What did you do?"
"Please drink, I can't live with you dead."
"I can't. Stefan I don't want this life."
"But you have to live, for me, for Damon. For Jeremy, please!"
* x *
She was crying in her sleep again.
Elijah was reading in the well lit library he couldn't live without and her guest room was on the other side of the house, but his hearing was better than that of a wolves - granted an ordinary ones, - so that didn't actually matter all that much.
It was almost a nightly occurrence, Elena would go to sleep, toss around awake for an hour or two before finally falling asleep only to then start crying when facing the invisible monsters he could do nothing to vanquish. And listening was slowly tearing him apart in ways he mistakenly thought he was no longer capable of.
He had stayed away until now because going upstairs to wake her would be an invasion of privacy he wasn't certain she would approve of and frankly she needed all the sleep she could get, even if it was for a short time every night filled with tears. But then he heard the scream erupting from her throat and knew he couldn't stand by to listen to her suffer any longer, maybe he should have had the courage to do this before, but now faster than a human blink he was up the stairs and by the door that separated him from Elena.
When he finally entered he did so at a speed expected from a mortal, but then stopped short in his tracks once his eyes finally fell upon her slumbering form.
She looked different asleep, not peaceful, the tears covering her face making that completely impossible and yet somehow the sight was in a way more otherworldly beautiful than the one she made when awake. There was an eerie translucent quality to her loveliness now, the dark hair falling around on her pillow creating a messy halo and the sweat covering the skin of her body making her shine in the pale moonlight seeping through the window. If the picture she unknowingly made wasn't so tragic in nature and his heart didn't ache at the very sight he might consider this to be the moment where she looked her most alluring.
He shook his head ridding himself of the avalanche of thoughts best left alone and tried instead to come up with something he could do to banish the nightmares torturing her well deserved rest. Preferably without the need to wake her and rob her of the remaining hours better spent regaining her energy.
He could change her dream of course, but to do that he would first have to enter her mind and that was something he had long ago promised never to do. It was an act of violation he had developed distaste for in the years spent by the side of his brother.
No, there was only really one thing he could do that might work.
Without sound he sat on the side of her bed and after a moment of indecision took a hold of her hand. Slowly at first Elijah started to run soothing circles over her knuckles with his thumb and then surprising himself started to hum a soft melody.
He didn't have the best voice not even within his own family, that ability once upon a time belonged to Henrik, but it wasn't bad either. The lullaby came back as if he'd never forgotten it and although the words were long since lost to him he remembered it as one his mother sang them to sleep to. It was part of the group of memories he had sought to extinguish when Esther destroyed the image of kindness he once held of her.
Minutes later it seemed to work, because pain was slowly bleeding away from her face, soothing the lines between her eyebrows and casting the peaceful look he hoped to one day see again on her conscious face as well. The tears ceased to run down her cheeks and he held in the breath of relief trying to escape.
It took ten more minutes until he was certain Elena was back in deep slumber again, uninterrupted by either dreams or nightmares of any kind. By the time her heart was deep and steady once more he - without being aware of it himself - had started playing with the band of precious metal on her finger.
Suddenly Elijah realized that this might be his one chance to say out loud that cherished secret which had rooted itself into his mind and heart without burdening the soul of someone already so very torn.
"My lovely Elena, I am sorry. It seems I couldn't stop myself from making that mistake again after all." He sighed in tiredness no mortal could ever truly comprehend and leaned forward kissing her brow. "It does look like I'm once more at the mercy of our greatest weakness. And yet somehow I do not regret it, I had almost forgotten how it is to feel so much for another. I love you."
After running his thumb over the ring on her finger one last time he stood up leaving the sanctuary he invaded without her permission.
Some of the weight was lifted with his confession, but the longing was only deepening and he had no doubt that keeping his distance would be a hundred times harder from now on.
But Elena's wellbeing was worth the heartache.
* x *
He was looking at her again. She could feel his eyes. Gentle and thoughtful, hiding a secret she was afraid to guess at.
A threatening stranger. An ally. A friend. Something different. Something more.
'Who is he to me now?'
* x *
He could no longer remember what home felt like. Too long a time had passed since anything close to it existed. Not since Rebekah still smiled at him had he felt it around him. Not since Klaus still laughed with anything but cruelty had home been anything but a dream. Not since Kol's eyes danced with something other than malicious glee had he completely relaxed. Not since Finn could express any other emotion but misery had that peace been present. Not since Esther was still a mother had it been anything but a bitter memory. Not since Mikael was a father who protected not hunted his children. Not since Henrik was still alive and looking up to all his siblings, trying to be just like them.
But all of that was gone. He often hoped, but never imagined that he could recapture that elusive concept.
And yet the longer he lived with Elena the more he felt at home and he was well aware it had nothing to do with the house and everything to do with the woman. It terrified him, kept him awake at night.
It wouldn't last, because sooner or later Elena would come to terms with her new future. Sooner or later she would forgive Damon like she did a hundred times before. Sooner or later she would see Stefan again and notice how much she still loved him. Sooner or later she wouldn't be able to take the distance between herself and her brother. Sooner or later she would leave.
Soon Elijah would be all alone again, but this time he would know exactly what it would be he'd be missing. And he wasn't sure how he would go on after that.
So he enjoyed what he could get. And as they sat in his library in silence with books in their laps Elijah let himself be immersed in home by the sound of her heartbeat and the little laughs she tried to smother while reading something amusing.
The clock was ticking against him and the more he helped her the less time he had left. Happiness was fleeting it was something that couldn't be held, like a breeze of warm wind that never stayed leaving only the memory of warmth behind.
* Part 2 *