(no subject)
Hey all- sorry it's been so long. I think about coming back here all the time, but I'm never quite sure what I'll say & the uncertainty of entertaining thoughts to report is somewhat discouraging.
Tonight however, I'm here by myself, and something about the loneliness of this apartment just screams at me to stop by & make amends for my lj shitiness this semester.
Last time I was here I was bitching....I always come here to vent. Not really fair, I guess. I've been bitching more that usual lately - I've allowed my life to turn into one huge problem & I'm working real hard on fixing that. The self-reality I've created being mad/sad/confused all the time is exhausting- really.
Yes, my roommates are still bitches, but it's christmas (almost) and I'm trying hard not to care that they put a fucking hole in the wall last night by throwing the door open real hard & also I'm trying not to care that I will again be held financially responsible for this damage to the "commons" area of our apartment.
Yep...on a lighter note- I have a new boyfriend (I think - when are you really allowed to use that word? I hesitate, but I really really hope/think/want to believe that it is ok). I hate how dating is so vague these days. Like you find someone who really seems to suit you, and yet it seems an incredibly awkward task to say, "hey...so, are you dating anyone else?" And so it just goes on for a real long time, as this has (close to 3 months now, though it's been a lot more serious lately) and all relationship-like analytical discussion is avoided so as to preserve the "chill" factor that is of upmost importance if you don't want your guy to run away. Anyhow, I stayed over there last night (the WHOLE night) for the first time because he asked me not to leave. I used his toothbrush! This is a big deal, right? Toothbrush sharing is gross & not something you'd do with just anyone, I'd hope. I wanted to ask if anyone else uses his toothbrush, but I thought I might kill the mood. I put the thing in my mouth on the good faith that we may just see eye to eye without ever really talking, but is this realistic? I'm sick of feeling so crushed all the time & I wish there was a way to win without having to admit that I'm really in the game for something that might be real.
Other than that, my grades sorta suck but I'm still alive & having fun occasionally. When you look at the big picture, that's all that really matters anyhow. Merry Christmas everyone- I hope I have the chance to see you soon.
OH and Kelsey- happy 20th this weekend!
Tonight however, I'm here by myself, and something about the loneliness of this apartment just screams at me to stop by & make amends for my lj shitiness this semester.
Last time I was here I was bitching....I always come here to vent. Not really fair, I guess. I've been bitching more that usual lately - I've allowed my life to turn into one huge problem & I'm working real hard on fixing that. The self-reality I've created being mad/sad/confused all the time is exhausting- really.
Yes, my roommates are still bitches, but it's christmas (almost) and I'm trying hard not to care that they put a fucking hole in the wall last night by throwing the door open real hard & also I'm trying not to care that I will again be held financially responsible for this damage to the "commons" area of our apartment.
Yep...on a lighter note- I have a new boyfriend (I think - when are you really allowed to use that word? I hesitate, but I really really hope/think/want to believe that it is ok). I hate how dating is so vague these days. Like you find someone who really seems to suit you, and yet it seems an incredibly awkward task to say, "hey...so, are you dating anyone else?" And so it just goes on for a real long time, as this has (close to 3 months now, though it's been a lot more serious lately) and all relationship-like analytical discussion is avoided so as to preserve the "chill" factor that is of upmost importance if you don't want your guy to run away. Anyhow, I stayed over there last night (the WHOLE night) for the first time because he asked me not to leave. I used his toothbrush! This is a big deal, right? Toothbrush sharing is gross & not something you'd do with just anyone, I'd hope. I wanted to ask if anyone else uses his toothbrush, but I thought I might kill the mood. I put the thing in my mouth on the good faith that we may just see eye to eye without ever really talking, but is this realistic? I'm sick of feeling so crushed all the time & I wish there was a way to win without having to admit that I'm really in the game for something that might be real.
Other than that, my grades sorta suck but I'm still alive & having fun occasionally. When you look at the big picture, that's all that really matters anyhow. Merry Christmas everyone- I hope I have the chance to see you soon.
OH and Kelsey- happy 20th this weekend!