I'd have to die to feel better...

[terahble]

It's official... I feel like shit. Not just physically, altho that's just gaining speed in clogged nose, snot production, tight wheezy chest and dry hacking cough that won't let you talk or sleep. But, just for giggles and grin, I've also fallen into an emotional abyss. I've had to face my son stealing a large amount of money from us, hitting a little girl with a broom, banging his head on the desk, and kicking a wall at school. I've spent most of the last few days crying or just empty because there's nothing left. My soul is broken as surely as if it had been torn to shreds by a feral animal. My heart is in tatters. I've been screaming into the wind, trying to release some of this anger and frustration I feel. The most overwhelming feeling is the sense of dread and despair at wondering what the future holds for him. Will I have to continue to face psychiatric hospitalization, as I am facing now? Will I live each day waiting and wondering when these feelings will seize control over me again? I'm in the mouth of hell, standing on a tiny crumbling ledge with the flames licking my feet. This feels oddly familiar. Well, they always said I was going to hell.
I'm going to go drug myself into the oblivion of sleep and hope maybe something might be a little different when I wake up. OK, now I really am delusional...