Hell is not an option
Maybe not everything is meant to be understood. My grandma always told me to leave it for the birds. But isnt that what birds always did? Keep on and on at something until there is nothing left of it? When I was younger I never really asked questions about anything because I always had a good story for it in my head. I remember my Uncle Gary laying in his coffin with his eyes sewed shut. I never asked why...I just figured that it was so he couldnt open them and come back alive. Who would want someone dead waking back up and telling everybody what it was to be dead? We all should figure that sort of thing out on our own. I have enough questions now though to make up for what I didn't have. Life isn't fair to all flavors of people and it's definately not fair to me. My grandma on my mother's side was full blood indian and adopted. Everyone called her half-breed and squaw...even her own adopted family. Eventually she died but it wasnt the electric shock treatment they gave her when they thought she went crazy or the pills that killed her...it was her broken heart. She just gave up. No siree life isn't fair. Maybe that's why my mother fights so hard at survival. She's never had anyone fight for her, and that very well could be the difference between her and my stepmother. Judy had everyone in the world fighting for her so in the end she didn't know what to do when we all stopped.
So where is all this leading up too? No where really just thoughts in my head that would eat at my brain until I got it all out. The more and more I talk about everything in my head the more I'm confused on what makes me like I am. I don't really write about the glass being half full, it's always half empty. I guess it really depends on what kind of drink it has in it and lately its been half full of vodka to wash down a few blue pills. I'm not a victim though. I've been through this phase before and it always turns up the same...I'm always going to be okay. As I read through old journals and remember different times I realize that there is always a pattern. Its always after I feel like I've lost somebody do I slump. I know I've lost Jared time and time again. Maybe I am getting tired of it. There are things in my head though that goes so fast that I can't slow down. One of these days I'm going to meet somebody that will make it all end and there will be a train wreck in my head and then all that will need to be done is clean it up and set a new track.
So where is all this leading up too? No where really just thoughts in my head that would eat at my brain until I got it all out. The more and more I talk about everything in my head the more I'm confused on what makes me like I am. I don't really write about the glass being half full, it's always half empty. I guess it really depends on what kind of drink it has in it and lately its been half full of vodka to wash down a few blue pills. I'm not a victim though. I've been through this phase before and it always turns up the same...I'm always going to be okay. As I read through old journals and remember different times I realize that there is always a pattern. Its always after I feel like I've lost somebody do I slump. I know I've lost Jared time and time again. Maybe I am getting tired of it. There are things in my head though that goes so fast that I can't slow down. One of these days I'm going to meet somebody that will make it all end and there will be a train wreck in my head and then all that will need to be done is clean it up and set a new track.