Very long update detailing a very important event in my life.
Entry 1:
My Dad found out about my homosexuality last night and didn't take it well at all. Sure, I knew there would be tension, but I was shocked and disgusted at his reaction. Ryan came over, like he usually does, and we were just laying on the bed talking. My Dad knocked on the door and he cracked the door open and asked me what time I went to work and I told him noon, he then closed the door and went off to his shower. After he was out of the shower, he called me to his room. I walked to his room, which is about 4 feet from my room and his back was turned fixing his bed. He said loudly and angrily "Is that boy a queer?" to which I replied "Excuse me?", he then repeated it in the same tone and I said "Does it matter?" and he said "Yes. I don't believe in that shit!" I said to him "It doesn't change the fact." and he bit back with "You shouldn't be laying in bed like that! You can have that little queer take you work and school and cook you supper because I'm gone." and I could only reply with "Ok. That's fine." and I walked out. He came out of his room while I was about to close my door, and like a child or a scorned lover he said "Are you going to choose him over me?" and I replied "If you're not going to love me for who I am, then yes. I'm chosing him over you." and I shut the door.
He left shortly after, I guess for a ride with the dogs. Ryan stayed to comfort me as I broke down a bit. I could tell Ryan was trying to detach himself from the situation near the end. I want nothing more than to be with Ryan at this point in time. I really hope that the strain stays between me and father, rather than me and him. I could not cope without him. And you know, giving me an ultimatum such as "You're choosing him over me?" isn't he making the choice? He's choosing nothing over me. I'm just left with the choice. If I could choose, it would be for everyone to at the very least be civil. But, I seriously doubt that will happen for a long time.
I ended up calling my sister-in-law and talking to her for a while and found out that my Dad doesn't like Ryan and had talked to her about him. So, there goes my idea of my Dad actually kinda liking Ryan. I had her talk to me on the phone as I went downstairs to walk Ryan out because Dad had came back and was watching TV down there. He didn't say a word, and neither did I. After Ryan left, I called Jonathan and went back upstairs got some stuff, back downstairs, got something to drink, and went out the door in silence. I walked to Jonathan's and chatted with him for a while. Then, knowing my Dad was probably in bed, I invited him over to play some games to keep my head occupied.
You know, I'll always love my Dad... but I'll never forgive him for the way he made me felt last night. It was fucking unbearable. If we get to amicable terms, fine. But this is going to be a grudge that I'll probably hold for a long time. The way he acted was hateful, spiteful, and childish.
Some good things come from bad, though. I don't feel obligated to hide my sexuality from anyone now, and more importantly... gaining my independance should be a bit easier now. It really sucks that I have so many people here for me and that love me, yet I can't reach out to the person I want to the most. You can take that as a cry for a mother's love or a father's love, as it works both ways.
This is difficult. I haven't led a hard life, everything's been pretty easy for me, sans these last few years. Yet, I'm still tired of fighting for things. I grow so tired. People are people. Everyone is different, and does their own thing. You shouldn't judge. If you don't agree with my choices in life, you don't agree with me. I hate to be the bitter fag, but Jesus fucking Christ people, learn to have a little compassion in your life and learn that not everyone is just like you. No one wants to be you. And no one will ever be like you. Why do people hide behind so called morals and decency and are blind to see that they are the immoral and indecent ones.
This is turning into a rant, so I'll stop. I just called into to work, and I'm going to go in and talk to Stephanie, as I feel she's probably the one manager I can trust enough to tell. I may be absent for a few days and I don't want to just call in and say "personal problem" over and over again.
This is going to be a difficult time, especially since I wasn't ready. But, I'll get through it. Call me if you want to talk 361-230-0077, I'll be around and will probably enjoy the company.
Entry 2
Well, my sister-in-law Deborah ended up calling me today after my Dad had left and she told him that he didn't approve and that he still loves me but no longer likes me. Whatever that means. I don't like him now at the moment, either. They spoke of how my nephew Pauly came out to my Deborah and apparently it wasn't an ice-breaker or coping mechanism at all. Pauly and I are 2 different cases, it seems.
Deborah told me that he was going to call my sister Kim and head over there and talk to her. Kim called me and asked me what was wrong with Dad. I told her I didn't want to tell her. She absolutely went ballistic on the phone. She was in tears, yelling at me, freaking out. She thought that someone was dying. It took me forever to say "Kim, I'm gay." and I could hear the relief in her voice when I told her and she said "Ok! Mom talked to me about that a long time ago! Shit! I thought someone was fucking dying!" She told me that she didn't care and if Dad treated me wrong I could stay with her for a while. As, Dad was never nice to my brother-in-law Sammy based on the fact that he is hispanic. I thanked her and she called me back when Dad had left. She told me if I needed anything to just call her and she'd help me out. I asked her to help me change the title on this other car we have and she agreed. So, tomorrow I'll be doing that.
To tell you the truth, I really didn't expect Kim to be so open arms about it. She's probably the next person in line in my family, and the only fall back, after Mom. I'm really glad she's accepting me and willing to help me with whatever hardships I incur due to any unacceptance. I love her alot. As I do Deborah, and even my brother John, whom I thought would react just as Dad did.
It really is amazing. That society is so wrapped up in the evils of homosexuality that they aren't able to seriously look at the issue. I know acceptance takes time and while I don't think that it should, I am able to accept that this will be a hard journey.
The rest of my day was spent with Ryan and a group of friends here and there. Many thanks to Amy G., Jonathan, Amy B., and Patrick. As well as Val, DeAnna, Michael, Adrie, Mandi, Ben, Lee, and Lindsey for texts and/or comments. Just hearing words makes me feel better. Listening to me, giving advice (good or bad), whatever. I'm overflowing with people that love me. I have nothing to prove in that department. It's now a struggle for acceptance.
I also called in for the rest of the week, as this is emotionally draining and I may need to get some other things in line as well. I talked to Stephanie Duvall about it. Told her everything, except some of the more harsh details. She teared up a little, and even offered me her guesthouse for a while. Though, that's not really the issue, I sincerely thanked her for her generous offer. I'm just going to try and keep my time occupied, and if my Dad doesn't reach out to me like he told Kim and Deborah he was, I'll have to talk to him. I'm gonna write something so I'll have a written back up incase I'm unable to speak:
I know this is difficult for you. It's certainly difficult for me, too. I haven't done this to hurt you. This is me. This is my nature and though you may find it wrong, this is who I am and who I will be. It is my identity. I have zero intention of hurting people. I'm a very loving and compassionate person. Thought my intentions may seem cold, they are not. I am afraid the only option is your acceptance. I am completely and utterly unable to change. If you refuse to accept me, I don't have a choice but to wait for you to do so. I love you and I know you love me, and for whatever reason you don't accept me or like what I am doing, but I am not going to accept your behavior or like the way you are reacting to this. The tension is going to be horrible living in the same house and for the time being I'm going to have to ask you to leave until you are able to accept me for who I am. I do not feel, as the head of household, I should have to limit my company. I will have whomever I wish over, whenever I want. Especially if all company I ever have is upstairs in my room. This includes Ryan. I sincerely love Ryan and even though you have judgements about him and think he's disrespectful and weird, he makes me very happy. Is it forever with him? Who knows, but I know that at this moment in time I do want it to be forever. I'm sure that's what you want for all your children -- their happiness. However, the problem isn't Ryan, you've had issues with other friends before. I think the major problem is your prejudices and racism. People are people and until you are able to accept that, you won't be able to accept anything. Furthermore, I am homosexual, and even if Ryan isn't the one, I am still going to be homosexual. It's that simple. I truly am sorry it was found out the way it was, but I feel that you already had some preconieved notions as what you walked in on wasn't in anway way lewd, suggestive, or sexual. I have been trying to gather the courage for years to tell you. I figured, I would find a point in my life when I absolutely needed to. In these past few months I've been dating Ryan and I've talked with him and friends about my fear of talking to you about and I've thought of countless ways to do it. Know that I was trying to reach out to you and tell you who I am, but I wasn't able to in time. I feel in time, things will get better, perhaps not perfect, but better. I will do everything I'm able to help you accept me, but I will not meet you halfway. I will not compromise or budge as I am physically and emotinally unable to. This is something you need to do, not I.
My Dad found out about my homosexuality last night and didn't take it well at all. Sure, I knew there would be tension, but I was shocked and disgusted at his reaction. Ryan came over, like he usually does, and we were just laying on the bed talking. My Dad knocked on the door and he cracked the door open and asked me what time I went to work and I told him noon, he then closed the door and went off to his shower. After he was out of the shower, he called me to his room. I walked to his room, which is about 4 feet from my room and his back was turned fixing his bed. He said loudly and angrily "Is that boy a queer?" to which I replied "Excuse me?", he then repeated it in the same tone and I said "Does it matter?" and he said "Yes. I don't believe in that shit!" I said to him "It doesn't change the fact." and he bit back with "You shouldn't be laying in bed like that! You can have that little queer take you work and school and cook you supper because I'm gone." and I could only reply with "Ok. That's fine." and I walked out. He came out of his room while I was about to close my door, and like a child or a scorned lover he said "Are you going to choose him over me?" and I replied "If you're not going to love me for who I am, then yes. I'm chosing him over you." and I shut the door.
He left shortly after, I guess for a ride with the dogs. Ryan stayed to comfort me as I broke down a bit. I could tell Ryan was trying to detach himself from the situation near the end. I want nothing more than to be with Ryan at this point in time. I really hope that the strain stays between me and father, rather than me and him. I could not cope without him. And you know, giving me an ultimatum such as "You're choosing him over me?" isn't he making the choice? He's choosing nothing over me. I'm just left with the choice. If I could choose, it would be for everyone to at the very least be civil. But, I seriously doubt that will happen for a long time.
I ended up calling my sister-in-law and talking to her for a while and found out that my Dad doesn't like Ryan and had talked to her about him. So, there goes my idea of my Dad actually kinda liking Ryan. I had her talk to me on the phone as I went downstairs to walk Ryan out because Dad had came back and was watching TV down there. He didn't say a word, and neither did I. After Ryan left, I called Jonathan and went back upstairs got some stuff, back downstairs, got something to drink, and went out the door in silence. I walked to Jonathan's and chatted with him for a while. Then, knowing my Dad was probably in bed, I invited him over to play some games to keep my head occupied.
You know, I'll always love my Dad... but I'll never forgive him for the way he made me felt last night. It was fucking unbearable. If we get to amicable terms, fine. But this is going to be a grudge that I'll probably hold for a long time. The way he acted was hateful, spiteful, and childish.
Some good things come from bad, though. I don't feel obligated to hide my sexuality from anyone now, and more importantly... gaining my independance should be a bit easier now. It really sucks that I have so many people here for me and that love me, yet I can't reach out to the person I want to the most. You can take that as a cry for a mother's love or a father's love, as it works both ways.
This is difficult. I haven't led a hard life, everything's been pretty easy for me, sans these last few years. Yet, I'm still tired of fighting for things. I grow so tired. People are people. Everyone is different, and does their own thing. You shouldn't judge. If you don't agree with my choices in life, you don't agree with me. I hate to be the bitter fag, but Jesus fucking Christ people, learn to have a little compassion in your life and learn that not everyone is just like you. No one wants to be you. And no one will ever be like you. Why do people hide behind so called morals and decency and are blind to see that they are the immoral and indecent ones.
This is turning into a rant, so I'll stop. I just called into to work, and I'm going to go in and talk to Stephanie, as I feel she's probably the one manager I can trust enough to tell. I may be absent for a few days and I don't want to just call in and say "personal problem" over and over again.
This is going to be a difficult time, especially since I wasn't ready. But, I'll get through it. Call me if you want to talk 361-230-0077, I'll be around and will probably enjoy the company.
Entry 2
Well, my sister-in-law Deborah ended up calling me today after my Dad had left and she told him that he didn't approve and that he still loves me but no longer likes me. Whatever that means. I don't like him now at the moment, either. They spoke of how my nephew Pauly came out to my Deborah and apparently it wasn't an ice-breaker or coping mechanism at all. Pauly and I are 2 different cases, it seems.
Deborah told me that he was going to call my sister Kim and head over there and talk to her. Kim called me and asked me what was wrong with Dad. I told her I didn't want to tell her. She absolutely went ballistic on the phone. She was in tears, yelling at me, freaking out. She thought that someone was dying. It took me forever to say "Kim, I'm gay." and I could hear the relief in her voice when I told her and she said "Ok! Mom talked to me about that a long time ago! Shit! I thought someone was fucking dying!" She told me that she didn't care and if Dad treated me wrong I could stay with her for a while. As, Dad was never nice to my brother-in-law Sammy based on the fact that he is hispanic. I thanked her and she called me back when Dad had left. She told me if I needed anything to just call her and she'd help me out. I asked her to help me change the title on this other car we have and she agreed. So, tomorrow I'll be doing that.
To tell you the truth, I really didn't expect Kim to be so open arms about it. She's probably the next person in line in my family, and the only fall back, after Mom. I'm really glad she's accepting me and willing to help me with whatever hardships I incur due to any unacceptance. I love her alot. As I do Deborah, and even my brother John, whom I thought would react just as Dad did.
It really is amazing. That society is so wrapped up in the evils of homosexuality that they aren't able to seriously look at the issue. I know acceptance takes time and while I don't think that it should, I am able to accept that this will be a hard journey.
The rest of my day was spent with Ryan and a group of friends here and there. Many thanks to Amy G., Jonathan, Amy B., and Patrick. As well as Val, DeAnna, Michael, Adrie, Mandi, Ben, Lee, and Lindsey for texts and/or comments. Just hearing words makes me feel better. Listening to me, giving advice (good or bad), whatever. I'm overflowing with people that love me. I have nothing to prove in that department. It's now a struggle for acceptance.
I also called in for the rest of the week, as this is emotionally draining and I may need to get some other things in line as well. I talked to Stephanie Duvall about it. Told her everything, except some of the more harsh details. She teared up a little, and even offered me her guesthouse for a while. Though, that's not really the issue, I sincerely thanked her for her generous offer. I'm just going to try and keep my time occupied, and if my Dad doesn't reach out to me like he told Kim and Deborah he was, I'll have to talk to him. I'm gonna write something so I'll have a written back up incase I'm unable to speak:
I know this is difficult for you. It's certainly difficult for me, too. I haven't done this to hurt you. This is me. This is my nature and though you may find it wrong, this is who I am and who I will be. It is my identity. I have zero intention of hurting people. I'm a very loving and compassionate person. Thought my intentions may seem cold, they are not. I am afraid the only option is your acceptance. I am completely and utterly unable to change. If you refuse to accept me, I don't have a choice but to wait for you to do so. I love you and I know you love me, and for whatever reason you don't accept me or like what I am doing, but I am not going to accept your behavior or like the way you are reacting to this. The tension is going to be horrible living in the same house and for the time being I'm going to have to ask you to leave until you are able to accept me for who I am. I do not feel, as the head of household, I should have to limit my company. I will have whomever I wish over, whenever I want. Especially if all company I ever have is upstairs in my room. This includes Ryan. I sincerely love Ryan and even though you have judgements about him and think he's disrespectful and weird, he makes me very happy. Is it forever with him? Who knows, but I know that at this moment in time I do want it to be forever. I'm sure that's what you want for all your children -- their happiness. However, the problem isn't Ryan, you've had issues with other friends before. I think the major problem is your prejudices and racism. People are people and until you are able to accept that, you won't be able to accept anything. Furthermore, I am homosexual, and even if Ryan isn't the one, I am still going to be homosexual. It's that simple. I truly am sorry it was found out the way it was, but I feel that you already had some preconieved notions as what you walked in on wasn't in anway way lewd, suggestive, or sexual. I have been trying to gather the courage for years to tell you. I figured, I would find a point in my life when I absolutely needed to. In these past few months I've been dating Ryan and I've talked with him and friends about my fear of talking to you about and I've thought of countless ways to do it. Know that I was trying to reach out to you and tell you who I am, but I wasn't able to in time. I feel in time, things will get better, perhaps not perfect, but better. I will do everything I'm able to help you accept me, but I will not meet you halfway. I will not compromise or budge as I am physically and emotinally unable to. This is something you need to do, not I.