Alright now
I truly loved Larry, sort of one of those weird kismet things, where I just knew him and he knew me and I could say anything to him and vice a versa. Total unconditional acceptance there. He's dead now and I never allowed myself to truly feel it or talk about it with him, because I am married. Is that messed up?
I held myself back emotionally, for fear of it getting sticky.
Aright, part of me wanted to fall into bed with Larry, but most of me didn't. Just the kinky, ooh me so horny side.
Basically it was unconditional acceptance.
Larry and I would talk and talk and talk and then we'd each have to go home or work or to class, whatever.
I look around PV and sometimes I swear I see him.
Sometimes I look up and I swear he walked by, then I remember, oh, he's dead.
What is really tripping me out is that I felt this way about another guy who's also dead.
Jim, the guy who I worked with at MAC who committed suicide this past year. I have his bird so it never hit me hard like it is with Larry. Or it could be that I left MAC to work for KU, kept in constant contact with him until I started school at PV and then we lost touch, maybe it was because I moved on that Jim didn't freak me out so much.
I just feel like I really don't want to be at PV without Larry now.
There are so few people in this world that allow you and you allow yourself to just be real with.
and Larry is dead.
I wonder inside, should I have told him how much I adored him?
My big, beautiful, black man.
my go to guy, whenever I needed someone to talk to about just about everything.
He was always there for me, I was for him too.
But, I never let myself complete feel how much I cared for him, like somehow I felt I was betraying my marriage in knowing I loved another man. A straight big beautiful man.
I know it is my nature to just absolutely fall in love with people.
Oh, I do.
It does not matter what their sex is,
I just fall in love with people.
Usually it's over the feeling of kindred spirits.
People I can just be with and not worry or fear what I say will be repeated or misinterpreted.
Am I betraying my husband by loving other people?
I am grown enough to not let the love become physical.
But then how petty is that?
and where is the line drawn?
I can hug kiss.
That's supposedly alright, but anything more is not.
Of course, it's not like I want to get naked with anyone else. I am perfectly happy having only one person on the face of this earth that knows what all my stretch marks look like. Yeah, don't really want to share that with anyone else!
But, it's the love thing, I question.
Is it o.k. for me to deeply love another person unconditionally that is not my husband or that my husband doesn't know?
You want to know what's freaky?
I know who they will be, before they even open their mouths. I just know.
Right now there are 2 to 4 people who are in my life, who I could allow myself to feel unconditional love for; maybe even another 6 to 8. It really depends on their staying power after I leave PV. I will care about them in varying degrees as much as they let me in their life and as much as I let them in mine, the love deepens and grows.
So I try to parade these people around my husband to see if he approves of them and that lets me know it's alright.
That scares me.
That I need him to approve first.
I remember when I met my friend J. I knew from the moment I met her, in reality it took a long while. She wasn't ready. I think she is now.
I guess I am just afraid of being hurt.
Hurt.
Like I feel right now, with Larry's death.
Still, I think I would rather hurt like when Amy made fun of me for loving her and when she perverted it and accused it of being sexual than I feel right now.
I think I thought I was protecting myself in letting Larry know how much I adored him. I don't know why people on the outside of the relationship poke at it even more? I have been told when I show how I feel, I have a crush on that person.
I guess, if no one has ever felt the way I do, it would seem like a crush. but, in fact, it is different.
Crushes are usually based on outward characteristics that are learned to be false over time and the crush weakens or disappears. The way I feel doesn't disappear or fade, if anything it deepens, I may back away if for some reason I find that emotions are unwanted by the person or perceptions are changing things- yet the feelings remain.
I have always pondered on the idea of soul family.
If people come into our lives that we have in effect known before, then my love for them makes sense.
Then, it is best for me to express what I feel, rather than hide it.
I know many how saw Larry and I would say, there is no way you ever held anything back from Larry.
But, I did, in the serious moments I balked and said nothing.
fear..
fear my husband wouldn't approve
are the people I love, really any of my husband's business?
Right now, I feel like i'd rather be rejected than go un-expressed...
I held myself back emotionally, for fear of it getting sticky.
Aright, part of me wanted to fall into bed with Larry, but most of me didn't. Just the kinky, ooh me so horny side.
Basically it was unconditional acceptance.
Larry and I would talk and talk and talk and then we'd each have to go home or work or to class, whatever.
I look around PV and sometimes I swear I see him.
Sometimes I look up and I swear he walked by, then I remember, oh, he's dead.
What is really tripping me out is that I felt this way about another guy who's also dead.
Jim, the guy who I worked with at MAC who committed suicide this past year. I have his bird so it never hit me hard like it is with Larry. Or it could be that I left MAC to work for KU, kept in constant contact with him until I started school at PV and then we lost touch, maybe it was because I moved on that Jim didn't freak me out so much.
I just feel like I really don't want to be at PV without Larry now.
There are so few people in this world that allow you and you allow yourself to just be real with.
and Larry is dead.
I wonder inside, should I have told him how much I adored him?
My big, beautiful, black man.
my go to guy, whenever I needed someone to talk to about just about everything.
He was always there for me, I was for him too.
But, I never let myself complete feel how much I cared for him, like somehow I felt I was betraying my marriage in knowing I loved another man. A straight big beautiful man.
I know it is my nature to just absolutely fall in love with people.
Oh, I do.
It does not matter what their sex is,
I just fall in love with people.
Usually it's over the feeling of kindred spirits.
People I can just be with and not worry or fear what I say will be repeated or misinterpreted.
Am I betraying my husband by loving other people?
I am grown enough to not let the love become physical.
But then how petty is that?
and where is the line drawn?
I can hug kiss.
That's supposedly alright, but anything more is not.
Of course, it's not like I want to get naked with anyone else. I am perfectly happy having only one person on the face of this earth that knows what all my stretch marks look like. Yeah, don't really want to share that with anyone else!
But, it's the love thing, I question.
Is it o.k. for me to deeply love another person unconditionally that is not my husband or that my husband doesn't know?
You want to know what's freaky?
I know who they will be, before they even open their mouths. I just know.
Right now there are 2 to 4 people who are in my life, who I could allow myself to feel unconditional love for; maybe even another 6 to 8. It really depends on their staying power after I leave PV. I will care about them in varying degrees as much as they let me in their life and as much as I let them in mine, the love deepens and grows.
So I try to parade these people around my husband to see if he approves of them and that lets me know it's alright.
That scares me.
That I need him to approve first.
I remember when I met my friend J. I knew from the moment I met her, in reality it took a long while. She wasn't ready. I think she is now.
I guess I am just afraid of being hurt.
Hurt.
Like I feel right now, with Larry's death.
Still, I think I would rather hurt like when Amy made fun of me for loving her and when she perverted it and accused it of being sexual than I feel right now.
I think I thought I was protecting myself in letting Larry know how much I adored him. I don't know why people on the outside of the relationship poke at it even more? I have been told when I show how I feel, I have a crush on that person.
I guess, if no one has ever felt the way I do, it would seem like a crush. but, in fact, it is different.
Crushes are usually based on outward characteristics that are learned to be false over time and the crush weakens or disappears. The way I feel doesn't disappear or fade, if anything it deepens, I may back away if for some reason I find that emotions are unwanted by the person or perceptions are changing things- yet the feelings remain.
I have always pondered on the idea of soul family.
If people come into our lives that we have in effect known before, then my love for them makes sense.
Then, it is best for me to express what I feel, rather than hide it.
I know many how saw Larry and I would say, there is no way you ever held anything back from Larry.
But, I did, in the serious moments I balked and said nothing.
fear..
fear my husband wouldn't approve
are the people I love, really any of my husband's business?
Right now, I feel like i'd rather be rejected than go un-expressed...