The Way to Grow Up
the way to grow up
big bang/2ne1 - gdragon/cl - pg13
4798w~
if there was one thing her mother left her with, it was housewarming manners.
a/n: very belated repost for the kpop_olymfics 2013 challenge, originally posted here. the prompt was k.will's please don't.
THE BEFORE
His blonde hair is the first thing she notices.
It's floppy, and it bounces around as he jumps around from box to unopened box. His skin is clear, pale, smooth, and he's pretty. Guys aren't supposed to be pretty, but he is, even with the cigarette dangling from his lip and the beer can in his other hand.
He's smoking outside on the balcony and playing loud, obnoxious rap music through speakers that the movers have decided to prioritize first. They're laughing loudly, profane language and no actual movement, and Chaerin finds the more annoyed she gets, the more appealing he becomes, him and his pretty face.
His blonde hair is the first thing she notices, but it isn't the last. That's only just where it begins.
If there was one thing her mother left her with, it was housewarming manners. "Screw around with everything and everyone else, but once you get a new neighbor, you be like the modern Mother Teresa. That person is gonna live next to you for a long time and you don't know what could happen if you get on their bad side."
Chaerin was never the best cook but she whips up brownies (from the box, she doesn't have the effort for scratch) and tries not to burn them to the pan.
The door is already open when she gets outside. The same music is playing, just different lyrics that still don't make sense to her, and she hears an off-key voice coming from somewhere in the apartment. Chaerin rings the doorbell - what a surprise, it doesn't work - and then knocks on the opened door. "Hello?" There's no answer. "Hello?!" she says a bit louder this time, and her voice cracks on the o. Chaerin feels herself turning red. "Is anyone home?"
A head pokes out from behind the wall and it's the same guy from yesterday, blonde hair and flawless skin. "Who are you?"
"Your, um… Your neighbor. From next door." She grins awkwardly and holds up the pan of brownies, and they smell kind of gross. She regrets coming here already. "I brought food."
He smiles, and his teeth are just as bright as his glowing skin. "Make yourself at home."
Chaerin steps inside cautiously and sets down the tray on the coffee table, just standing awkwardly because the couch is covered in boxes and there is no other place to sit. He has disappeared back behind the wall; maybe if she just sneaks out, he won't-
"So, what's your name?"
She looks up and he's standing there, rubbing a towel on his wet hair and staring at her with pretty eyes. Chaerin swallows and this is so embarrassing. "Chaerin. Lee Chaerin. And yours?"
"Kwon Jiyong. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance." The rap music in the background doesn't correspond with the cheesy words as he steps towards her, each movement slow and strategic. Her heart is pounding faster as he comes closer (why, she can't really understand) and then his face is right next to hers, his minty breath fresh. "You're very pretty."
And suddenly, he's gone, stepping back towards what she assumes is the kitchen, looking back just once to glance at her deviously. "Have you had lunch?"
Chaerin lets go of the breath she didn't she was holding.
Chaerin doesn't stop by Kwon Jiyong's house after that first encounter. Occasionally, they bump into each other as one is leaving and the other is coming home, and he smiles that mischievous grin that makes her feel all weird on the inside, and she smiles uncomfortably in return before running back inside to escape the embarrassment, and that's often the most of it.
He goes to places other than the bars, surprisingly.
She's at the pasta section, looking for the raw spaghetti noodles because Sandara's bringing her little brother over next week and he loves spaghetti, when she hears giggling on the back and who goes on a date to the grocery store.
"Have any recommendations?"
Chaerin snorts because it's coming from the instant ramen cup aisle in the back, and they all taste the same. Obviously someone is just trying to get laid. She glances back quickly and catches a tall worker biting her lip at a blonde, floppy-haired guy that is leaning to the side, ruining carefully ordered rows of plastic boxes. "Jiyong?" The name slips her lips before she knows what she's doing.
He turns around and their eyes meet. The feeling she gets then is unnerving. Chaerin opens her mouth to say something and comes out blank. "I - sorry, you just looked familiar. I didn't mean to interrupt," she finally breathes.
The worker gives her a look of distaste but Jiyong is no longer paying attention to her, now fully turned towards Chaerin, smiling as he turns the cap on his head backwards. "Nice to know I'm a memorable face." Chaerin breaks out into a smile and he's all sorts of lovely, then, this stranger. She can't bring herself to stop.
She doesn't drink often, Chaerin. Any sort of alcohol is too bitter and thick for her shaky stomach to handle, and so she just sticks to juices, water, energy drinks to keep her alive in the late hours of the night.
The view is quite romantic from the balcony, though, and Jiyong looks appealing standing there all by himself. She's never done this before but she tries it anyways.
"Do you drink out here a lot?" It's a stupid question to start out with.
He turns to the side and his face in the shadows, the only light the reflection of the moon, it's quite beautiful. Chaerin blinks out of her thoughts and Jiyong smiles at her. "I drink a lot in general, doesn't matter where it is." She laughs, and his grin wides as he holds a bottle out to her - soju, of all things, she's definitely getting drunk tonight. Chaerin takes it even though she knows it's probably a bad decision and they look out ahead of them, city lights and skyscrapers overshadowing infinite traffic.
"So, why'd you move here?" Her voice comes out shaky.
Jiyong shrugs and then turns around so his back is leaning against the fence. His beauty in the darkness is just as enticing and this is quite a neighbor she's caught a hold of. "I move around a lot. I get tired of things easily." Then he turns towards her and he winks, an action she barely catches with no light to witness. "But I have a feeling that won't be the case this time."
Chaerin feels herself turning red and takes a long swig of the alcohol, cringing as the liquid burns with every swallow. When she finally feels the last drop trickle down her throat, the bottle drops involuntarily from her hand, smashing on the ground three floors beneath them. She turns to look at Jiyong, who stares at the ground for a second before turning towards her. "Oops."
He laughs. "Are you an easy drunk, Lee Chaerin?"
"What does that mean?" She shoots him a sly grin and she is oh-so definitely drunk, but right now she doesn't even mind. Kwon Jiyong is right next to her, flawless Kwon Jiyong, and that's all that is going through her head right now.
"I think you are," he replies, still smiling.
"And?" Chaerin raises one eyebrow as best as she can, feeling the slur of her words as she adds, "Do you care?"
Jiyong shakes his head and he's got this permanent look of amusement pasted on his face. Chaerin wonders exactly how drunk she looks. "Doesn't matter if I did." She whines and in the process, stumbles into him, heating up as his arm goes around in a state of confusion. She looks up and their faces are suddenly so close together, so close that she can smell the sweat off of his skin and taste the alcohol in their mixed breaths.
Chaerin giggles. "I guess it doesn't, does it?" The look he gives her at that is beautiful.
She orders too much take-out Saturday night. Chaerin doesn't know if she did it on purpose or it just happened to coincide with his one night in, but she ends up walking over to Jiyong's apartment and what happens after that is kind of a blur.
They have dinner, she remembers, and in the midst of that, he leans over the table and tells her she looks wonderful. She remembers holding his gaze because his eyes are captivating and then so are his lips when they are on hers, soft and sweet and like bubblegum flavored cigarettes. The table becomes a wreck after that, and so do they.
Jiyong pulls her into his bedroom and her hands are running up his chest, cold against his warm skin. He pulls his shirt off and hers follows suit, littering the floor as they both fall on the bed. Chaerin remembers the whole time her heart pounding and how swiftly his hands unbutton her jean shorts, how much it bothers her and how much she loves it, and then how his mouth is running past her lips and down her throat, glossing the veins that are pulsating in adrenaline.
She remembers the way he fills her so perfectly and the explosion that goes off in her head. He's kissing her and his hands are running everywhere, and Chaerin feels like she still can't get enough.
They collapse on his bed at three in the morning. He looks exhausted and his skin is glazed in sweat, floppy hair matted to his forehead and lips bruised and red. Jiyong turns on his side and brushes a strand of hair away from her face, smiling like he's just done the most wonderful thing in the world, and his whisper is so lovely.
"I didn't know you were a virgin."
Chaerin snorts. She probably looks so unattractive. "Doesn't really matter anymore, does it?"
He smiles and scoots over closer towards her, holding one side of her face with his burning hand, leaning in like they haven't just done the unthinkable. Chaerin grins. "I guess not," and it becomes their response to everything.
Jiyong becomes her new drinking buddy. It's funny because Chaerin has never had a drinking buddy and to start out with someone as extreme as Jiyong is probably not a good idea - that's what he tells her, at least, but she'd rather it be him over everyone and so it just settles at that.
They go through the first soju and Chaerin is slow and cautious, taking hesitant sips and watching him through the corner of her eye.
They second bottle and he's telling her to slow down, "you're gonna have a serious hangover if you don't slow down" and she just keeps on smiling and downing like it's nothing.
The third bottle he's laughing at her. "I didn't know you could handle your alcohol this well." Chaerin shoots him a lopsided grin and doesn't remind him that she was all over him only after one bottle a week before.
Fourth and she's almost passed out in his arms. "I don't know if I'm gonna be able to leave your apartment without you throwing up all over me," Jiyong says, somewhat amused, and she plants a kiss on his salty lips. "What was that for?"
"You don't have to leave."
His arms go around her naturally and by the fifth bottle, they are naked and inspirited in her bed. Chaerin thinks she loves him.
They go walking the streets at three in the morning, bundled in layers of sweaters and socks even though she isn't that cold, warmed with one of his hands in hers and his other holding a barely lit cigarette. He sucks in a breath and she watches as the smoke blows out in gentle puffs, a cloud that holds all of his thoughts.
"Jiyong."
"Hm?"
She sighs. "I don't know. I just felt like saying your name." Jiyong laughs and turns to her, looking down at her. Chaerin didn't ever think he was that tall but now she feels far under him, an insignificant figure compared to his important one. "What?"
"You're so weird." He holds the cigarette out towards her and she takes it cautiously, looking at him with a dumbed expression - what am I supposed to do with this? "Well, go ahead! Take a puff."
"Oh, no, I don't smoke," Chaerin says, handing the small stick back to him, but Jiyong refuses.
"Come on, it's not that hard, just inhale."
She eyes him with an irritated look. "It's not that I don't how, I just don't want to." Jiyong just shakes his head and looks back ahead, still not taking the cigarette from her hand as she waves it in front of him. "Jiyong!" He's whistling now, a stupid tune like he's drowning out her complaints, and Chaerin whines. "Fine, fine, whatever."
Chaerin holds the cigarette to her lips and cautiously sucks in a breath, inhaling too much at the first go. She coughs and her nose is burning, this sickening feeling filling her throat, and Jiyong takes the cigarette from her hand. Her eyes are watering now, and he rubs her back - when her coughing fit finally ends, Chaerin shoots him an angry expression. "And that's what I don't smoke, ass," at which Jiyong breaks out into a smile. "What are you smiling about?"
"You're alright, that's all," and then her heart starts hammering again. Chaerin hates the way he makes her feel.
The next time she tries a cigarette, she smokes like she's been doing it her whole life and all of it is for Jiyong, flawless Jiyong. Forever flawless Kwon Jiyong.
Chaerin has always been too open about her feelings. She knows it, and everyone knows it, and for some reason it doesn't stop her, this flaw - her hamartia, one could describe it as, her fatal flaw she's been overlooking for so long. Too long, Chaerin guesses.
They're laying in bed, shielded only by the covers, Jiyong sitting up with a beer can in his hand while Chaerin admires him from her position. His skin is pale and smooth and void of any imperfection, just like the rest of him. She could go on forever about his perfection but Chaerin doesn't even know where to begin.
"Jiyong."
She loves saying his name.
"Hm?"
She loves his hums, his every noise.
He turns towards her, one eyebrow raised with one side of his lips slightly upturned.
She loves his smile, and the way he looks at her.
"Chaerin?"
She loves the way he says her name.
"I love you."
It goes downhill from there.
He comes over uninvited, and then Jiyong tells her it isn't what he was looking for.
"I'm moving."
"What?"
Chaerin doesn't know if she is hearing his words right - and then Chaerin wonders if she ever heard his words right, and if those pretty words were all something she had dreamed. He's talking and she isn't listening, then.
"- not some extravagant relationship. And it's been too long here anyways."
Chaerin didn't know he would get tired of her so quickly.
The tears don't come, for Kwon Jiyong. She presumes they'll flood out when it hits her, or as he's leaving, or when he's long gone and she just realizes what she's done, but they don't come any of those times. She is dry faced and heartbroken and Chaerin doesn't remember itty bitty cracks making such a big deal.
He doesn't say goodbye, but she guesses that would be weird anyways.
Goodbyes are for "maybe I'll come back". There is no reappearance of Kwon Jiyong.
THE AFTER
When his number appears on her phone, it takes her three seconds to process what's happening and another four to decide whether she wants to pick up or not. His face is smiling at her from the caller ID, pretty, bright and blonde Jiyong like she last remembers, and she hasn't seen him in two years. The device is vibrating in her hands and it's almost natural, after that.
"Hello?"
His voice is startlingly familiar. "You picked up."
Chaerin smiles bitterly. He wasn't expecting it either, and she wonders if she should've just given in. "What do you want?"
"I'm back in town. Want to catch up?"
"That's funny."
Jiyong coughs, and the whole conversation is just awkward. She doesn't know what he's doing and he probably doesn't either but then finally she agrees to meet up for drinks and he isn't too different from the last time. His skin is still flawless and his eyes still glow but his hair is now cropped and a dark black. Chaerin can't say she misses his innocence.
They don't keep in contact. Chaerin doesn't mind, because introducing Jiyong back into her life probably wouldn't be the best idea, and so she just sticks to knowing they're in the same place again and she won't actually have to see him again.
The idea doesn't last long.
Sandara drags her out to one of the higher end clubs in downtown and they dress up flashy and ornately, little things that she pretends matter. The shots go down quickly and her alcohol tolerance is high this time around, expensive drinks nothing her stomach can't handle. Her favorite song comes on and Chaerin forces herself to the dance floor, as if the moves actually look right on her and she isn't making a total fool of herself.
The guy in front of her isn't that amazing either but she pulls him closer anyways, and he reeks of alcohol just as much as she does. They grind against each other, sweat and all, bodies mingling, and Chaerin grabs a hold of his collar just to get a look.
Jiyong looks completely different trashed.
He smiles at her when their eyes finally meet, truly meet, and then his pupils widen and he's pushing back. "Chaerin-"
"Where are you going?" Chaerin tugs at his shirt so he's back up against her, and it's probably the hundreds of shots she's just downed kicking in, but she ignores it and brings her face closer to his own. "You can't just leave me like that," she whispers against his ear. She feels Jiyong shiver under her grasp, probably because of her hot breath, and smirks.
They continue dancing like nothing happened and it's no different when she drags him home that night too.
He's exactly the same in bed. Chaerin doesn't find him particularly spectacular now, but his skin is still perfectly smooth and she likes running her hands down his back anyways when he plows inside of her, filling and exhilarating. She hates him and she loves him so much, the way Jiyong is.
Jiyong falls asleep with his arm around her half an hour later, head buried in her neck, his hot breath chilling against her skin.
Chaerin is unable to fall asleep. The room is too humid and the fan is blowing hot air at her and she has no room to move the blanket from how Jiyong is holding her and she hates their flesh touching without a sort of excuse, hates it.
Maybe it was her fault for starting over.
Chaerin finally passes out at six in the morning and wakes up an hour later, peeling Jiyong's arms off of her and crawling out of the stifling bed into the bathroom. She hears shuffling in the bedroom while brushing her teeth and leaves minutes later to see the bedroom empty - he's already gone. "Well, that was quick." The silence that returns is rewarding, for whatever reason she doesn't know.
She walks into the kitchen only to see Jiyong sitting at the counter, scrolling through his phone as if this is an everyday thing.
"What are you doing here?"
Jiyong looks up and the smile that breaks out is sickening. Chaerin doesn't know what he's doing or what his motives are but everything, everything about him is sickening. "You're up."
"Why haven't you left yet?"
"Chaerin-"
She tears her eyes away from him and walks to the pantry, searching for something to eat even though she isn't hungry. Anything to distract her anyways. "This isn't anything official, if you were wondering. Just a one-night stand with a long lost-" she stops. Lover. Chaerin snorts, like they were anything but.
He's silent for a moment, Jiyong, and this time the emptiness is deadly. "I didn't know I turned you into this," he finally says.
"It doesn't concern you, Kwon Jiyong," she responds, his name bitter and tasteless on her tongue, and she doesn't turn around once to look at his pretty face. "So stop acting like you gave a damn in the first place and please leave my house."
His presence is still watching her even after he leaves.
The doorbell rings after the door opens, and he's inside already rambling and carrying a bag of takeout that smells startlingly familiar. "What are you doing back here?"
"I ordered too much takeout and had nowhere else to go." Jiyong smiles at her and it's haunting, the dark eyes under his circles and the whiteness of his teeth and the way he smiles at her like it's the only thing he has left. Chaerin wonders if maybe it really is and only rolls her eyes at him before taking out two beers from the fridge and tossing one at him. "Aw, were you expecting me?" His tone is irritatingly nonchalant.
"Don't get ahead of yourself," she warns, but he's already gone too far anyways.
He stays for three hours (too long) and she kicks him out before he can suggest anything else, still joking and laughing with that same stupid smile on his face. His eyes are a little dead but that's nothing new to Chaerin.
Boys Over Flowers is the only semi-interesting drama running on TV. It's old school reruns for the month apparently, because last week was Secret Garden and the week before You're Beautiful, neither of which she could suffer through.
He calls her in the midst of episode 4, some barely crying dramatized scene that she can't understand because she wasn't really paying attention in the first place. It's too hot in the apartment and she feels all alone. Not lonely, because she doesn't want anyone there - just… alone. Deserted, almost.
The phone follows suit, scripted so well.
"Hello?"
"Hey, you busy?"
Jiyong, of course. Always Jiyong. "Why?"
"I'm bored-"
Chaerin sighs, and she mutes the television in front of her even though she wasn't listening anyways. "Why are you doing this? Can't you just leave me alone?"
"I miss you."
"Well," and she kicks the blanket off of her, sweating now. Chaerin doesn't know what it is about him, why she still remembers their step by step falling in love and then how he left, so suddenly and poorly. She wonders if he even knows what he's done, after all that. "Well, I've got plans, so if you wouldn't mind, please leave me alone."
She hangs up before he can say something in response. Chaerin is afraid of his words.
True love, Chaerin thinks, isn't the stuff in the story books. It isn't the on screen turned off screen romance, or the high school first crushes, or the lovers that aren't able to make it all the way there. True love is the kind of thing the old people have got going on, holding wrinkly hands and taking slow steps and not talking but listening, a sort of pure love that just cleans itself along the way, despite the hardships and the numerous puddles its fallen into.
Chaerin doesn't know if she'll ever experience what true love is, but it's still alive, somewhere.
Even if that somewhere isn't her.
They're sitting in his car outside of her apartment, the engine still running and the windows rolled up tightly. Chaerin predicts ten minutes, fifteen at most, before she will get annoyed and run away, but Jiyong still hasn't said anything.
"If you aren't planning on saying anything, I've got things to do," and she places her hands on the handle, but then he turns the key and takes it out. His face is grim and she doesn't know how long this will be anymore.
"Why do you hate me?"
The tone of his voice is surprisingly heartbreaking and Chaerin wonders how long he ponders over them in the middle of the night, whether he actually does and whether this is just a ruining of a reputation that he failed to hold up in the first place. "Why don't you just leave me alone?" she responds.
"Why would I do that?" She hates him.
"Because I hate you!" Chaerin can feel herself heating up and she sits up on the car seat, turning to look at him. "I hate you, for leaving me and then coming back and thinking it's alright! I hate you for thinking you can just - you can just use me because I'll do whatever you want!" She buries her face into her hands and he still hasn't said anything, and she feels the tears welling up in her eyes and burning her cheeks as they fall down. "I hate you for not staying," and her voice falters at the end. "I hate you for not loving me."
When the tears have dried Chaerin leaves his car, and by the time she's back inside her apartment her throat has closed up and it feels like he's broken her just healed heart all over again with five simple words.
It's been half an hour.
She's feeling unusually drunk for only have downed two bottles of alcohol. Chaerin feels queasy from her position on the balcony, but she keeps drinking anyways, something to keep her mind off of everything.
Jiyong throws an arm around her shoulder, and she doesn't remember when he got there. She just knows he's been there the whole time, Kwon Jiyong, watching her even though he promised not to. Chaerin smiles and she feels her scarce lunch from earlier backing up, and if it wasn't for his being there she'd probably throw up over the railing.
"You okay?"
Chaerin snorts. "Never better."
"Chaerin…" It's like he's always stopping himself, before he can say something he regrets. Chaerin wants to remind him that their whole relationship has been a regret in itself, and there's no harm in making it worse than it already is (but she doesn't - she isn't that heartless, yet.)
She turns to look at him and smiles at him brokenly, pretending it doesn't hurt, his lovely face.
"You know, Kwon Jiyong, I don't think I ever stopped liking you." He turns away from her, and it's that coward inside of him that doesn't let him respond. She doesn't wait for him, just finishes the last of her drink and drops the bottle, waiting for it to hit the concrete floor stories underneath them. The memories flood back but she just pushes them down.
(and maybe you never started.)
"I'm leaving."
"What?" He's standing straight up this time, not looking in her eyes and playing with his fingers, but she doesn't think she's heard him right anyways. "You're leaving?"
"Yeah." Jiyong looks up at her, and suddenly, Chaerin is afraid he can sense the questioning in her voice.
She steps back from the door but makes no move to let him in, one eyebrow raised and the other waiting to make a move, as if he can say anything more disbelieving and it'll affect her, one way or another. "When?"
"Tonight."
Her chest tightens and she balls her hands into fists, and this isn't the first time. "Again?" It comes out as a whisper - a soft, slowly disintegrating whisper, just like the rest of her. He nods and then she can't see him anymore. It's a blur, everything in front of her, and she shakes her head and doesn't make a move to wipe the blond strands away from where they are stuck to her face. "Well, have fun, then. Don't come back and visit."
"Yeah." Jiyong smiles a little bit and now he's looking at her, and his eyes are little wet too (but she's afraid that might just be her imagination). "Yeah, okay."
He takes a step back and it's almost finalized then, that there won't ever be a them again.
"I'll miss you," she says.
Jiyong smiles and it's like the first time, charming and beautiful and what she falls in love with every time. "Yeah. I'll miss you too," and she almost believes it, his pretty words and the way he could have loved her.
And he's beautiful then, too.
Please don't leave (please).
request of the day
otp
seohyun/everyone
yongguk/daehyun
big bang/2ne1 - gdragon/cl - pg13
4798w~
if there was one thing her mother left her with, it was housewarming manners.
a/n: very belated repost for the kpop_olymfics 2013 challenge, originally posted here. the prompt was k.will's please don't.
THE BEFORE
His blonde hair is the first thing she notices.
It's floppy, and it bounces around as he jumps around from box to unopened box. His skin is clear, pale, smooth, and he's pretty. Guys aren't supposed to be pretty, but he is, even with the cigarette dangling from his lip and the beer can in his other hand.
He's smoking outside on the balcony and playing loud, obnoxious rap music through speakers that the movers have decided to prioritize first. They're laughing loudly, profane language and no actual movement, and Chaerin finds the more annoyed she gets, the more appealing he becomes, him and his pretty face.
His blonde hair is the first thing she notices, but it isn't the last. That's only just where it begins.
If there was one thing her mother left her with, it was housewarming manners. "Screw around with everything and everyone else, but once you get a new neighbor, you be like the modern Mother Teresa. That person is gonna live next to you for a long time and you don't know what could happen if you get on their bad side."
Chaerin was never the best cook but she whips up brownies (from the box, she doesn't have the effort for scratch) and tries not to burn them to the pan.
The door is already open when she gets outside. The same music is playing, just different lyrics that still don't make sense to her, and she hears an off-key voice coming from somewhere in the apartment. Chaerin rings the doorbell - what a surprise, it doesn't work - and then knocks on the opened door. "Hello?" There's no answer. "Hello?!" she says a bit louder this time, and her voice cracks on the o. Chaerin feels herself turning red. "Is anyone home?"
A head pokes out from behind the wall and it's the same guy from yesterday, blonde hair and flawless skin. "Who are you?"
"Your, um… Your neighbor. From next door." She grins awkwardly and holds up the pan of brownies, and they smell kind of gross. She regrets coming here already. "I brought food."
He smiles, and his teeth are just as bright as his glowing skin. "Make yourself at home."
Chaerin steps inside cautiously and sets down the tray on the coffee table, just standing awkwardly because the couch is covered in boxes and there is no other place to sit. He has disappeared back behind the wall; maybe if she just sneaks out, he won't-
"So, what's your name?"
She looks up and he's standing there, rubbing a towel on his wet hair and staring at her with pretty eyes. Chaerin swallows and this is so embarrassing. "Chaerin. Lee Chaerin. And yours?"
"Kwon Jiyong. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance." The rap music in the background doesn't correspond with the cheesy words as he steps towards her, each movement slow and strategic. Her heart is pounding faster as he comes closer (why, she can't really understand) and then his face is right next to hers, his minty breath fresh. "You're very pretty."
And suddenly, he's gone, stepping back towards what she assumes is the kitchen, looking back just once to glance at her deviously. "Have you had lunch?"
Chaerin lets go of the breath she didn't she was holding.
Chaerin doesn't stop by Kwon Jiyong's house after that first encounter. Occasionally, they bump into each other as one is leaving and the other is coming home, and he smiles that mischievous grin that makes her feel all weird on the inside, and she smiles uncomfortably in return before running back inside to escape the embarrassment, and that's often the most of it.
He goes to places other than the bars, surprisingly.
She's at the pasta section, looking for the raw spaghetti noodles because Sandara's bringing her little brother over next week and he loves spaghetti, when she hears giggling on the back and who goes on a date to the grocery store.
"Have any recommendations?"
Chaerin snorts because it's coming from the instant ramen cup aisle in the back, and they all taste the same. Obviously someone is just trying to get laid. She glances back quickly and catches a tall worker biting her lip at a blonde, floppy-haired guy that is leaning to the side, ruining carefully ordered rows of plastic boxes. "Jiyong?" The name slips her lips before she knows what she's doing.
He turns around and their eyes meet. The feeling she gets then is unnerving. Chaerin opens her mouth to say something and comes out blank. "I - sorry, you just looked familiar. I didn't mean to interrupt," she finally breathes.
The worker gives her a look of distaste but Jiyong is no longer paying attention to her, now fully turned towards Chaerin, smiling as he turns the cap on his head backwards. "Nice to know I'm a memorable face." Chaerin breaks out into a smile and he's all sorts of lovely, then, this stranger. She can't bring herself to stop.
She doesn't drink often, Chaerin. Any sort of alcohol is too bitter and thick for her shaky stomach to handle, and so she just sticks to juices, water, energy drinks to keep her alive in the late hours of the night.
The view is quite romantic from the balcony, though, and Jiyong looks appealing standing there all by himself. She's never done this before but she tries it anyways.
"Do you drink out here a lot?" It's a stupid question to start out with.
He turns to the side and his face in the shadows, the only light the reflection of the moon, it's quite beautiful. Chaerin blinks out of her thoughts and Jiyong smiles at her. "I drink a lot in general, doesn't matter where it is." She laughs, and his grin wides as he holds a bottle out to her - soju, of all things, she's definitely getting drunk tonight. Chaerin takes it even though she knows it's probably a bad decision and they look out ahead of them, city lights and skyscrapers overshadowing infinite traffic.
"So, why'd you move here?" Her voice comes out shaky.
Jiyong shrugs and then turns around so his back is leaning against the fence. His beauty in the darkness is just as enticing and this is quite a neighbor she's caught a hold of. "I move around a lot. I get tired of things easily." Then he turns towards her and he winks, an action she barely catches with no light to witness. "But I have a feeling that won't be the case this time."
Chaerin feels herself turning red and takes a long swig of the alcohol, cringing as the liquid burns with every swallow. When she finally feels the last drop trickle down her throat, the bottle drops involuntarily from her hand, smashing on the ground three floors beneath them. She turns to look at Jiyong, who stares at the ground for a second before turning towards her. "Oops."
He laughs. "Are you an easy drunk, Lee Chaerin?"
"What does that mean?" She shoots him a sly grin and she is oh-so definitely drunk, but right now she doesn't even mind. Kwon Jiyong is right next to her, flawless Kwon Jiyong, and that's all that is going through her head right now.
"I think you are," he replies, still smiling.
"And?" Chaerin raises one eyebrow as best as she can, feeling the slur of her words as she adds, "Do you care?"
Jiyong shakes his head and he's got this permanent look of amusement pasted on his face. Chaerin wonders exactly how drunk she looks. "Doesn't matter if I did." She whines and in the process, stumbles into him, heating up as his arm goes around in a state of confusion. She looks up and their faces are suddenly so close together, so close that she can smell the sweat off of his skin and taste the alcohol in their mixed breaths.
Chaerin giggles. "I guess it doesn't, does it?" The look he gives her at that is beautiful.
She orders too much take-out Saturday night. Chaerin doesn't know if she did it on purpose or it just happened to coincide with his one night in, but she ends up walking over to Jiyong's apartment and what happens after that is kind of a blur.
They have dinner, she remembers, and in the midst of that, he leans over the table and tells her she looks wonderful. She remembers holding his gaze because his eyes are captivating and then so are his lips when they are on hers, soft and sweet and like bubblegum flavored cigarettes. The table becomes a wreck after that, and so do they.
Jiyong pulls her into his bedroom and her hands are running up his chest, cold against his warm skin. He pulls his shirt off and hers follows suit, littering the floor as they both fall on the bed. Chaerin remembers the whole time her heart pounding and how swiftly his hands unbutton her jean shorts, how much it bothers her and how much she loves it, and then how his mouth is running past her lips and down her throat, glossing the veins that are pulsating in adrenaline.
She remembers the way he fills her so perfectly and the explosion that goes off in her head. He's kissing her and his hands are running everywhere, and Chaerin feels like she still can't get enough.
They collapse on his bed at three in the morning. He looks exhausted and his skin is glazed in sweat, floppy hair matted to his forehead and lips bruised and red. Jiyong turns on his side and brushes a strand of hair away from her face, smiling like he's just done the most wonderful thing in the world, and his whisper is so lovely.
"I didn't know you were a virgin."
Chaerin snorts. She probably looks so unattractive. "Doesn't really matter anymore, does it?"
He smiles and scoots over closer towards her, holding one side of her face with his burning hand, leaning in like they haven't just done the unthinkable. Chaerin grins. "I guess not," and it becomes their response to everything.
Jiyong becomes her new drinking buddy. It's funny because Chaerin has never had a drinking buddy and to start out with someone as extreme as Jiyong is probably not a good idea - that's what he tells her, at least, but she'd rather it be him over everyone and so it just settles at that.
They go through the first soju and Chaerin is slow and cautious, taking hesitant sips and watching him through the corner of her eye.
They second bottle and he's telling her to slow down, "you're gonna have a serious hangover if you don't slow down" and she just keeps on smiling and downing like it's nothing.
The third bottle he's laughing at her. "I didn't know you could handle your alcohol this well." Chaerin shoots him a lopsided grin and doesn't remind him that she was all over him only after one bottle a week before.
Fourth and she's almost passed out in his arms. "I don't know if I'm gonna be able to leave your apartment without you throwing up all over me," Jiyong says, somewhat amused, and she plants a kiss on his salty lips. "What was that for?"
"You don't have to leave."
His arms go around her naturally and by the fifth bottle, they are naked and inspirited in her bed. Chaerin thinks she loves him.
They go walking the streets at three in the morning, bundled in layers of sweaters and socks even though she isn't that cold, warmed with one of his hands in hers and his other holding a barely lit cigarette. He sucks in a breath and she watches as the smoke blows out in gentle puffs, a cloud that holds all of his thoughts.
"Jiyong."
"Hm?"
She sighs. "I don't know. I just felt like saying your name." Jiyong laughs and turns to her, looking down at her. Chaerin didn't ever think he was that tall but now she feels far under him, an insignificant figure compared to his important one. "What?"
"You're so weird." He holds the cigarette out towards her and she takes it cautiously, looking at him with a dumbed expression - what am I supposed to do with this? "Well, go ahead! Take a puff."
"Oh, no, I don't smoke," Chaerin says, handing the small stick back to him, but Jiyong refuses.
"Come on, it's not that hard, just inhale."
She eyes him with an irritated look. "It's not that I don't how, I just don't want to." Jiyong just shakes his head and looks back ahead, still not taking the cigarette from her hand as she waves it in front of him. "Jiyong!" He's whistling now, a stupid tune like he's drowning out her complaints, and Chaerin whines. "Fine, fine, whatever."
Chaerin holds the cigarette to her lips and cautiously sucks in a breath, inhaling too much at the first go. She coughs and her nose is burning, this sickening feeling filling her throat, and Jiyong takes the cigarette from her hand. Her eyes are watering now, and he rubs her back - when her coughing fit finally ends, Chaerin shoots him an angry expression. "And that's what I don't smoke, ass," at which Jiyong breaks out into a smile. "What are you smiling about?"
"You're alright, that's all," and then her heart starts hammering again. Chaerin hates the way he makes her feel.
The next time she tries a cigarette, she smokes like she's been doing it her whole life and all of it is for Jiyong, flawless Jiyong. Forever flawless Kwon Jiyong.
Chaerin has always been too open about her feelings. She knows it, and everyone knows it, and for some reason it doesn't stop her, this flaw - her hamartia, one could describe it as, her fatal flaw she's been overlooking for so long. Too long, Chaerin guesses.
They're laying in bed, shielded only by the covers, Jiyong sitting up with a beer can in his hand while Chaerin admires him from her position. His skin is pale and smooth and void of any imperfection, just like the rest of him. She could go on forever about his perfection but Chaerin doesn't even know where to begin.
"Jiyong."
She loves saying his name.
"Hm?"
She loves his hums, his every noise.
He turns towards her, one eyebrow raised with one side of his lips slightly upturned.
She loves his smile, and the way he looks at her.
"Chaerin?"
She loves the way he says her name.
"I love you."
It goes downhill from there.
He comes over uninvited, and then Jiyong tells her it isn't what he was looking for.
"I'm moving."
"What?"
Chaerin doesn't know if she is hearing his words right - and then Chaerin wonders if she ever heard his words right, and if those pretty words were all something she had dreamed. He's talking and she isn't listening, then.
"- not some extravagant relationship. And it's been too long here anyways."
Chaerin didn't know he would get tired of her so quickly.
The tears don't come, for Kwon Jiyong. She presumes they'll flood out when it hits her, or as he's leaving, or when he's long gone and she just realizes what she's done, but they don't come any of those times. She is dry faced and heartbroken and Chaerin doesn't remember itty bitty cracks making such a big deal.
He doesn't say goodbye, but she guesses that would be weird anyways.
Goodbyes are for "maybe I'll come back". There is no reappearance of Kwon Jiyong.
THE AFTER
When his number appears on her phone, it takes her three seconds to process what's happening and another four to decide whether she wants to pick up or not. His face is smiling at her from the caller ID, pretty, bright and blonde Jiyong like she last remembers, and she hasn't seen him in two years. The device is vibrating in her hands and it's almost natural, after that.
"Hello?"
His voice is startlingly familiar. "You picked up."
Chaerin smiles bitterly. He wasn't expecting it either, and she wonders if she should've just given in. "What do you want?"
"I'm back in town. Want to catch up?"
"That's funny."
Jiyong coughs, and the whole conversation is just awkward. She doesn't know what he's doing and he probably doesn't either but then finally she agrees to meet up for drinks and he isn't too different from the last time. His skin is still flawless and his eyes still glow but his hair is now cropped and a dark black. Chaerin can't say she misses his innocence.
They don't keep in contact. Chaerin doesn't mind, because introducing Jiyong back into her life probably wouldn't be the best idea, and so she just sticks to knowing they're in the same place again and she won't actually have to see him again.
The idea doesn't last long.
Sandara drags her out to one of the higher end clubs in downtown and they dress up flashy and ornately, little things that she pretends matter. The shots go down quickly and her alcohol tolerance is high this time around, expensive drinks nothing her stomach can't handle. Her favorite song comes on and Chaerin forces herself to the dance floor, as if the moves actually look right on her and she isn't making a total fool of herself.
The guy in front of her isn't that amazing either but she pulls him closer anyways, and he reeks of alcohol just as much as she does. They grind against each other, sweat and all, bodies mingling, and Chaerin grabs a hold of his collar just to get a look.
Jiyong looks completely different trashed.
He smiles at her when their eyes finally meet, truly meet, and then his pupils widen and he's pushing back. "Chaerin-"
"Where are you going?" Chaerin tugs at his shirt so he's back up against her, and it's probably the hundreds of shots she's just downed kicking in, but she ignores it and brings her face closer to his own. "You can't just leave me like that," she whispers against his ear. She feels Jiyong shiver under her grasp, probably because of her hot breath, and smirks.
They continue dancing like nothing happened and it's no different when she drags him home that night too.
He's exactly the same in bed. Chaerin doesn't find him particularly spectacular now, but his skin is still perfectly smooth and she likes running her hands down his back anyways when he plows inside of her, filling and exhilarating. She hates him and she loves him so much, the way Jiyong is.
Jiyong falls asleep with his arm around her half an hour later, head buried in her neck, his hot breath chilling against her skin.
Chaerin is unable to fall asleep. The room is too humid and the fan is blowing hot air at her and she has no room to move the blanket from how Jiyong is holding her and she hates their flesh touching without a sort of excuse, hates it.
Maybe it was her fault for starting over.
Chaerin finally passes out at six in the morning and wakes up an hour later, peeling Jiyong's arms off of her and crawling out of the stifling bed into the bathroom. She hears shuffling in the bedroom while brushing her teeth and leaves minutes later to see the bedroom empty - he's already gone. "Well, that was quick." The silence that returns is rewarding, for whatever reason she doesn't know.
She walks into the kitchen only to see Jiyong sitting at the counter, scrolling through his phone as if this is an everyday thing.
"What are you doing here?"
Jiyong looks up and the smile that breaks out is sickening. Chaerin doesn't know what he's doing or what his motives are but everything, everything about him is sickening. "You're up."
"Why haven't you left yet?"
"Chaerin-"
She tears her eyes away from him and walks to the pantry, searching for something to eat even though she isn't hungry. Anything to distract her anyways. "This isn't anything official, if you were wondering. Just a one-night stand with a long lost-" she stops. Lover. Chaerin snorts, like they were anything but.
He's silent for a moment, Jiyong, and this time the emptiness is deadly. "I didn't know I turned you into this," he finally says.
"It doesn't concern you, Kwon Jiyong," she responds, his name bitter and tasteless on her tongue, and she doesn't turn around once to look at his pretty face. "So stop acting like you gave a damn in the first place and please leave my house."
His presence is still watching her even after he leaves.
The doorbell rings after the door opens, and he's inside already rambling and carrying a bag of takeout that smells startlingly familiar. "What are you doing back here?"
"I ordered too much takeout and had nowhere else to go." Jiyong smiles at her and it's haunting, the dark eyes under his circles and the whiteness of his teeth and the way he smiles at her like it's the only thing he has left. Chaerin wonders if maybe it really is and only rolls her eyes at him before taking out two beers from the fridge and tossing one at him. "Aw, were you expecting me?" His tone is irritatingly nonchalant.
"Don't get ahead of yourself," she warns, but he's already gone too far anyways.
He stays for three hours (too long) and she kicks him out before he can suggest anything else, still joking and laughing with that same stupid smile on his face. His eyes are a little dead but that's nothing new to Chaerin.
Boys Over Flowers is the only semi-interesting drama running on TV. It's old school reruns for the month apparently, because last week was Secret Garden and the week before You're Beautiful, neither of which she could suffer through.
He calls her in the midst of episode 4, some barely crying dramatized scene that she can't understand because she wasn't really paying attention in the first place. It's too hot in the apartment and she feels all alone. Not lonely, because she doesn't want anyone there - just… alone. Deserted, almost.
The phone follows suit, scripted so well.
"Hello?"
"Hey, you busy?"
Jiyong, of course. Always Jiyong. "Why?"
"I'm bored-"
Chaerin sighs, and she mutes the television in front of her even though she wasn't listening anyways. "Why are you doing this? Can't you just leave me alone?"
"I miss you."
"Well," and she kicks the blanket off of her, sweating now. Chaerin doesn't know what it is about him, why she still remembers their step by step falling in love and then how he left, so suddenly and poorly. She wonders if he even knows what he's done, after all that. "Well, I've got plans, so if you wouldn't mind, please leave me alone."
She hangs up before he can say something in response. Chaerin is afraid of his words.
True love, Chaerin thinks, isn't the stuff in the story books. It isn't the on screen turned off screen romance, or the high school first crushes, or the lovers that aren't able to make it all the way there. True love is the kind of thing the old people have got going on, holding wrinkly hands and taking slow steps and not talking but listening, a sort of pure love that just cleans itself along the way, despite the hardships and the numerous puddles its fallen into.
Chaerin doesn't know if she'll ever experience what true love is, but it's still alive, somewhere.
Even if that somewhere isn't her.
They're sitting in his car outside of her apartment, the engine still running and the windows rolled up tightly. Chaerin predicts ten minutes, fifteen at most, before she will get annoyed and run away, but Jiyong still hasn't said anything.
"If you aren't planning on saying anything, I've got things to do," and she places her hands on the handle, but then he turns the key and takes it out. His face is grim and she doesn't know how long this will be anymore.
"Why do you hate me?"
The tone of his voice is surprisingly heartbreaking and Chaerin wonders how long he ponders over them in the middle of the night, whether he actually does and whether this is just a ruining of a reputation that he failed to hold up in the first place. "Why don't you just leave me alone?" she responds.
"Why would I do that?" She hates him.
"Because I hate you!" Chaerin can feel herself heating up and she sits up on the car seat, turning to look at him. "I hate you, for leaving me and then coming back and thinking it's alright! I hate you for thinking you can just - you can just use me because I'll do whatever you want!" She buries her face into her hands and he still hasn't said anything, and she feels the tears welling up in her eyes and burning her cheeks as they fall down. "I hate you for not staying," and her voice falters at the end. "I hate you for not loving me."
When the tears have dried Chaerin leaves his car, and by the time she's back inside her apartment her throat has closed up and it feels like he's broken her just healed heart all over again with five simple words.
It's been half an hour.
She's feeling unusually drunk for only have downed two bottles of alcohol. Chaerin feels queasy from her position on the balcony, but she keeps drinking anyways, something to keep her mind off of everything.
Jiyong throws an arm around her shoulder, and she doesn't remember when he got there. She just knows he's been there the whole time, Kwon Jiyong, watching her even though he promised not to. Chaerin smiles and she feels her scarce lunch from earlier backing up, and if it wasn't for his being there she'd probably throw up over the railing.
"You okay?"
Chaerin snorts. "Never better."
"Chaerin…" It's like he's always stopping himself, before he can say something he regrets. Chaerin wants to remind him that their whole relationship has been a regret in itself, and there's no harm in making it worse than it already is (but she doesn't - she isn't that heartless, yet.)
She turns to look at him and smiles at him brokenly, pretending it doesn't hurt, his lovely face.
"You know, Kwon Jiyong, I don't think I ever stopped liking you." He turns away from her, and it's that coward inside of him that doesn't let him respond. She doesn't wait for him, just finishes the last of her drink and drops the bottle, waiting for it to hit the concrete floor stories underneath them. The memories flood back but she just pushes them down.
(and maybe you never started.)
"I'm leaving."
"What?" He's standing straight up this time, not looking in her eyes and playing with his fingers, but she doesn't think she's heard him right anyways. "You're leaving?"
"Yeah." Jiyong looks up at her, and suddenly, Chaerin is afraid he can sense the questioning in her voice.
She steps back from the door but makes no move to let him in, one eyebrow raised and the other waiting to make a move, as if he can say anything more disbelieving and it'll affect her, one way or another. "When?"
"Tonight."
Her chest tightens and she balls her hands into fists, and this isn't the first time. "Again?" It comes out as a whisper - a soft, slowly disintegrating whisper, just like the rest of her. He nods and then she can't see him anymore. It's a blur, everything in front of her, and she shakes her head and doesn't make a move to wipe the blond strands away from where they are stuck to her face. "Well, have fun, then. Don't come back and visit."
"Yeah." Jiyong smiles a little bit and now he's looking at her, and his eyes are little wet too (but she's afraid that might just be her imagination). "Yeah, okay."
He takes a step back and it's almost finalized then, that there won't ever be a them again.
"I'll miss you," she says.
Jiyong smiles and it's like the first time, charming and beautiful and what she falls in love with every time. "Yeah. I'll miss you too," and she almost believes it, his pretty words and the way he could have loved her.
And he's beautiful then, too.
Please don't leave (please).
request of the day
otp
seohyun/everyone
yongguk/daehyun