(no subject)
Monday, June 26, 2006 12:59 p.m.
Dear Diary, I had short, unfinished dreams in the morning. One was about a sequel to Korean drama Full House. Strangely, it looked like the Korean drama My Girl, only it was a continuation of Full House. The dream changed things from Full House like how Han Jin and Young Jae only got closer to each other at the end of it, and in My Girl other people were just becoming interested in them. That isn’t even how it is in My Girl. Because My Girl is similar to Full House, maybe that’s why I dreamt it like that.
Another dream was so wow. From Emi-san’s online manga The Way To Your Heart and the storyline, I dreamt I was the new girl that came to school and bumped into Miyabi instead of Yumi. Because Yumi wasn’t the one who bumped into him, he was treating her nicely, which surprised me since at one point he called her “cute” in a friendly way. I was the only one who knew what would’ve happened if Yumi were the one to bump into him instead of me. It was strange. Everyone seemed to be in an elevator together and I don’t know what the hell we were doing there. Miyabi hadn’t even noticed me standing there until he looked at me. Then a weird thing happened. He touched my face and started to kinda caress my right cheek. I was freaking out on the inside when his face got closer to mine a bit. I wondered with the slightest hope, Does he know how I feel?
But my thought of his intention was in a different way. Miyabi said something along the lines that his friend needed a girlfriend. I was confused by what he said. This friend was dark skinned and handsome with these strange painted on markings on his face. He was looking at me; studying my face from across the room. The Miyabi pushed me to a friend of his. I was stunned when the guy I was thrown at embraced me fully. I couldn’t help but blush by this forwardness. He was apparently very tall, so when he hugged me, my face was pressed where his chest was. I couldn’t believe he liked me by just glancing at me before. He called me a “kawaii” little girlfriend.
Out of nowhere, the bell rung and the embrace ended. I didn’t know why I felt disappointed; probably because no one has ever held me like that before. But still I fantasized if it were only Miyabi that held me like that instead -- I would have surely been very happy.
Still, I was aware of my “new status” as someone’s girlfriend. It made me anxious since I never had a boyfriend before. But for some reason, I was only half worried about it. This is the strange part. I kept talking to myself about just doing this to continue on the story (as if I knew I were in a manga that needed a story to keep going) and how eventually, this relationship wouldn’t work and I would be the one making it happen.
The third dream was kinda scary. In a room, there were cars. The cars have somehow gotten infected and were turning into something else. One guy I knew was fixing up a car that was infected. He didn’t freak out when this red car suddenly grew on eyes and a mouth. It was an evil car. Everyone scampered out of the room except him and I. I was frightened, but afraid to run away. So I jumped onto other cars. The red evil car tried to follow me and hit other cars that hadn’t yet come “alive” yet. Eventually I ran out of the room. In the hall, I slid down against the wall and sat there. A girl asked me to hold her bag while she went to the bathroom. Suddenly the phone started vibrate in the bag, but I ignored it until another woman gave me a funny look. I handed the phone to the girl who gave me the bag.
I tried to coax everyone back into the room to fight the evil car, but they all ran out. Only I held my ground and I tried talking to the guy who was calmly sitting there fixing infected car after infected car. He wouldn’t listen to me and wouldn’t respond, but I still tried even as I barely dodged the evil car’s ruthless attacks. I yelled out his name and said, “I only want to help you ” I woke up feeling like I had this dream before because I felt a hint of familiarity. Or maybe it’s from a movie I once watched?
Another one I just remembered now was about me being in a guy’s mind/body. This boy was known as a “hero” recently because he had done something spectacular. The landlord had just killed somebody and the boy is blackmailed by him. He asks the boy to figure out a way to cover up the blood on the floor. I, in the boy’s mind, wonder whether or not to help the landlord to cover up the crime and let the boy be blamed. Because if the boy couldn’t find something to cover it up, the landlord would blame the boy as to who killed the man.
9:22 p.m.
I’m currently really into this song called Time is Running Out by Muse. I heard it on this awesome music video on the game sequel Dirge of Cerberus to FVII: Advent Children. I couldn’t even sleep last night because I kept thinking about it and what it centered on. It was like an intense rush; the kind where you see something that you carry way inside your heart and you seriously cannot stop thinking about it. That’s what I felt.
I used to thin k every song I listened to dealt with love, but that isn’t true. Songs and the words in it can be interpreted in different ways.
Tomorrow is my brother’s graduation. He has to be there by 8 a.m., but it doesn’t start until 9 a.m. He told me at dinner that he would rather sleep in late than go. They are going to list people alphabetically, and he commented that since he would be right in the middle, he wouldn’t get to leave. But what difference does it make? Everyone [the students] has to stay for the entire graduation.
It seems events like these in his life don’t matter to him much. I am in anticipation of his graduation, but I am sad he’ll be leaving high school. I think I’ll spend my entire life feeling like this in every big step in life I see someone or me take. I’ll spend forever wishing time could just stand still when it cannot.
He won’t be moving into a dorm or anything. Where my cousin Jennifer is going to college, she has to move into a dorm room. I haven’t heard anything from Tiffany since my last letter to her. I wonder what is going through her mind now. I suppose we are going to lose contact with each other. She’ll be as busy as Krystal is when she started college last year. Krystal apologizes for never having written back since all the letters I sent her, but she doesn’t need to apologize anymore. I was definitely never mad at her for not responding back to me, but when she apologizes, I see she is more apologetic every time. This makes me think the gap between is widening whether I like it or not. I’ve worked hard to be friends with Krystal. I have tried to become an important friend in her life, but outside of her and Tiffany, none of her friends know me; they don’t know who I am. I feel like a nobody friend.
I’m still editing things out of the livejournal when I write the type of stuff that is too personal. But I don’t edit a whole lot of things. If I said everything without being afraid of what people think, I would feel so abnormal; like no one could relate to me if they see how nuts I really am. Sometimes I think I’m just crazy; like mentally. And to all who read my livejournal, perhaps they’d think I’m a very odd girl if they don’t know me. But even those who do know me and read this livejournal, I think they would be like, ‘Who is this person?’ if I really wrote everything without editing.
I try my best to explain the emptiness I feel sometimes, but I never can fill it. There’s just something about myself that I think isn’t meant for this world. Publicity for the common people doesn’t work. Most people would forget the names and faces of people that aren’t celebrities because they aren’t focused on them directly. I’ll probably never be known in the world, too. I have had fantasies where my diary would become a worldwide thing and everyone would read it to see how abnormal one teenager can be. Imagining that, I wonder if my diary would help make a difference. But now I’m just talking crazy.
I might be known to my family and friends, but everyone else; they don’t know me. People always come and go. To them, I’m probably just another person passing through.
To be honest, the real reason I started editing this diary when I type it and paste it into the livejournal was when I realized my friend Shachi would be reading it. I hadn’t noticed she added me on her friends list on her livejournal. I added her on mine too, but then it hit me: There is actually someone I know reading this livejournal. Before that time, I wasn’t worried since I thought I was just writing in the livejournal with strangers I don’t know looking into my livejournal, but to have a personal friend read is much different. And I noticed her on my friends list some time ago when I hadn’t even seen my user page for a long time. Oh shit. That’s what I thought. When I type things online on a xanga or livejournal or wherever and my friends read it, I get scared. The past entries I will not edit or delete because it’s already here. I must say I wrote some pretty personal things in those entries. I did not choose my words because I thought since there were probably only strangers reading it; not any friends of mine.
I had the chili soup that dad bought from Wendy’s last night. I ate half of it before throwing it out. I only really like the beans in the soup anyways. Then I ate some bread.
These sparrow birds always come to the backyard whenever there’s no one around. They look for scraps of food. Since I knew they were going to fly back when I went back inside the house, I have them shreds of the bread I was eating. I used up about four slices of bread on them. There were only a couple of birds at first, but then a whole dozen or more of them came to grab pieces of bread for themselves. I counted about twenty one of them before they all started to move around a lot. My bread even attracted the hungry mouths of three or four crows. I thought the crows were a bit greedy since when they didn’t get any bread, one of them stole bread from one of the little sparrows.
I saw a very pretty sparrow with an unusual color. The neck and head of the sparrow were this orangey shade; almost kind of reddish. Once I saw a baby sparrow at the entrance to the train station. Next to it was a bigger sparrow bird; probably the mother bird. The baby bird was so cute looking I almost wanted to take it home, but I didn’t. When people at school once found a baby bird that fell out of its’ nest, they tried to put it back in the nest. But my science teacher at the time, Mrs. Feldman, said that the mother bird would be able to smell out the human scent on the baby bird and abandon the nest.
I don’t know when I’m going to buy the Family Tree Maker 2006 Deluxe Edition. Yesterday evening I was counting up all the money I had in my room. I hadn’t realized I had more money in another wallet of mine until I looked. Before my trip to Taiwan, I had a larger sum of money. At least half of that sum was spent on manga and books and bird food. If I do buy Family Tree Maker 2006 Deluxe Edition, I am not going to buy any manga or books over the summer with any of the other money I have left. But I won’t feed off of my parents’ money either. I won’t ask anyone to lend me money, which I have never done in my entire life. It’s not good to ask my parents to buy me this and that. I never told my parents what I wanted in the past. My mother asked me why I hadn’t told her one time, but I couldn’t answer her. But I partially knew then that I would only be spoiled if they knew what I wanted. If they knew what I wanted, they’d try to spoil me with what I liked. Parents always give you things, but they are just things. Parents never show their love the proper way. They only give you things in the way they suppose giving you what you want will make you happy, but the truth is, whatever you get is never enough. You’ll always want something else. That makes one spoiled. If they give you things to show their love, they aren’t showing their love. They are giving you things as substitute for their love and no love is shown in giving people things like that. That is what my parents don’t understand. I may never be able to properly explain this to them. They just don’t get it that if they buy me whatever I like, they’re spoiling me rotten. They THINK they are giving me love and affection through the things they give me, but really they are neglecting me. It’s true. I heard it on Oprah.
Just today an episode aired on Oprah about the same thing. To think I thought I was spoiled when I was a kid; just looking at those two kids from an all American family didn’t even make me compare. They were even more demanding than me. And the single mother who spoiled her four year old daughter with everything was ridiculous. It was beyond stupid. Like what the hell was she thinking buying fifty Barbies, a f--king coach purse, and a cell phone for a FOUR YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL?
I like how Oprah always stresses in other episodes [when the subject is brought up] the main factor about child molestation: It isn’t the sex, but the shame of the act itself that damages the child who is being molested. I like that she says it so often because everyone needs to know that. It’s very important.
But I think the all American family that was on Oprah is a good example for MOST families in America, but not all. Like my family isn’t like theirs. I can’t just come on the Oprah Winfrey show and tell my parents what they need to hear; that some of the things they do isn’t working for me. I really don’t want to go into this again.
A new movie came out. I saw a commercial of it. It’s called The Ant Bully. I just knew they would make a movie like that. Ants are so small and they seem to work hard, but humans consistently push them around. So what will they do? Fight back.
Finished 7:42 p.m on Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Dear Diary, I had short, unfinished dreams in the morning. One was about a sequel to Korean drama Full House. Strangely, it looked like the Korean drama My Girl, only it was a continuation of Full House. The dream changed things from Full House like how Han Jin and Young Jae only got closer to each other at the end of it, and in My Girl other people were just becoming interested in them. That isn’t even how it is in My Girl. Because My Girl is similar to Full House, maybe that’s why I dreamt it like that.
Another dream was so wow. From Emi-san’s online manga The Way To Your Heart and the storyline, I dreamt I was the new girl that came to school and bumped into Miyabi instead of Yumi. Because Yumi wasn’t the one who bumped into him, he was treating her nicely, which surprised me since at one point he called her “cute” in a friendly way. I was the only one who knew what would’ve happened if Yumi were the one to bump into him instead of me. It was strange. Everyone seemed to be in an elevator together and I don’t know what the hell we were doing there. Miyabi hadn’t even noticed me standing there until he looked at me. Then a weird thing happened. He touched my face and started to kinda caress my right cheek. I was freaking out on the inside when his face got closer to mine a bit. I wondered with the slightest hope, Does he know how I feel?
But my thought of his intention was in a different way. Miyabi said something along the lines that his friend needed a girlfriend. I was confused by what he said. This friend was dark skinned and handsome with these strange painted on markings on his face. He was looking at me; studying my face from across the room. The Miyabi pushed me to a friend of his. I was stunned when the guy I was thrown at embraced me fully. I couldn’t help but blush by this forwardness. He was apparently very tall, so when he hugged me, my face was pressed where his chest was. I couldn’t believe he liked me by just glancing at me before. He called me a “kawaii” little girlfriend.
Out of nowhere, the bell rung and the embrace ended. I didn’t know why I felt disappointed; probably because no one has ever held me like that before. But still I fantasized if it were only Miyabi that held me like that instead -- I would have surely been very happy.
Still, I was aware of my “new status” as someone’s girlfriend. It made me anxious since I never had a boyfriend before. But for some reason, I was only half worried about it. This is the strange part. I kept talking to myself about just doing this to continue on the story (as if I knew I were in a manga that needed a story to keep going) and how eventually, this relationship wouldn’t work and I would be the one making it happen.
The third dream was kinda scary. In a room, there were cars. The cars have somehow gotten infected and were turning into something else. One guy I knew was fixing up a car that was infected. He didn’t freak out when this red car suddenly grew on eyes and a mouth. It was an evil car. Everyone scampered out of the room except him and I. I was frightened, but afraid to run away. So I jumped onto other cars. The red evil car tried to follow me and hit other cars that hadn’t yet come “alive” yet. Eventually I ran out of the room. In the hall, I slid down against the wall and sat there. A girl asked me to hold her bag while she went to the bathroom. Suddenly the phone started vibrate in the bag, but I ignored it until another woman gave me a funny look. I handed the phone to the girl who gave me the bag.
I tried to coax everyone back into the room to fight the evil car, but they all ran out. Only I held my ground and I tried talking to the guy who was calmly sitting there fixing infected car after infected car. He wouldn’t listen to me and wouldn’t respond, but I still tried even as I barely dodged the evil car’s ruthless attacks. I yelled out his name and said, “I only want to help you ” I woke up feeling like I had this dream before because I felt a hint of familiarity. Or maybe it’s from a movie I once watched?
Another one I just remembered now was about me being in a guy’s mind/body. This boy was known as a “hero” recently because he had done something spectacular. The landlord had just killed somebody and the boy is blackmailed by him. He asks the boy to figure out a way to cover up the blood on the floor. I, in the boy’s mind, wonder whether or not to help the landlord to cover up the crime and let the boy be blamed. Because if the boy couldn’t find something to cover it up, the landlord would blame the boy as to who killed the man.
9:22 p.m.
I’m currently really into this song called Time is Running Out by Muse. I heard it on this awesome music video on the game sequel Dirge of Cerberus to FVII: Advent Children. I couldn’t even sleep last night because I kept thinking about it and what it centered on. It was like an intense rush; the kind where you see something that you carry way inside your heart and you seriously cannot stop thinking about it. That’s what I felt.
I used to thin k every song I listened to dealt with love, but that isn’t true. Songs and the words in it can be interpreted in different ways.
Tomorrow is my brother’s graduation. He has to be there by 8 a.m., but it doesn’t start until 9 a.m. He told me at dinner that he would rather sleep in late than go. They are going to list people alphabetically, and he commented that since he would be right in the middle, he wouldn’t get to leave. But what difference does it make? Everyone [the students] has to stay for the entire graduation.
It seems events like these in his life don’t matter to him much. I am in anticipation of his graduation, but I am sad he’ll be leaving high school. I think I’ll spend my entire life feeling like this in every big step in life I see someone or me take. I’ll spend forever wishing time could just stand still when it cannot.
He won’t be moving into a dorm or anything. Where my cousin Jennifer is going to college, she has to move into a dorm room. I haven’t heard anything from Tiffany since my last letter to her. I wonder what is going through her mind now. I suppose we are going to lose contact with each other. She’ll be as busy as Krystal is when she started college last year. Krystal apologizes for never having written back since all the letters I sent her, but she doesn’t need to apologize anymore. I was definitely never mad at her for not responding back to me, but when she apologizes, I see she is more apologetic every time. This makes me think the gap between is widening whether I like it or not. I’ve worked hard to be friends with Krystal. I have tried to become an important friend in her life, but outside of her and Tiffany, none of her friends know me; they don’t know who I am. I feel like a nobody friend.
I’m still editing things out of the livejournal when I write the type of stuff that is too personal. But I don’t edit a whole lot of things. If I said everything without being afraid of what people think, I would feel so abnormal; like no one could relate to me if they see how nuts I really am. Sometimes I think I’m just crazy; like mentally. And to all who read my livejournal, perhaps they’d think I’m a very odd girl if they don’t know me. But even those who do know me and read this livejournal, I think they would be like, ‘Who is this person?’ if I really wrote everything without editing.
I try my best to explain the emptiness I feel sometimes, but I never can fill it. There’s just something about myself that I think isn’t meant for this world. Publicity for the common people doesn’t work. Most people would forget the names and faces of people that aren’t celebrities because they aren’t focused on them directly. I’ll probably never be known in the world, too. I have had fantasies where my diary would become a worldwide thing and everyone would read it to see how abnormal one teenager can be. Imagining that, I wonder if my diary would help make a difference. But now I’m just talking crazy.
I might be known to my family and friends, but everyone else; they don’t know me. People always come and go. To them, I’m probably just another person passing through.
To be honest, the real reason I started editing this diary when I type it and paste it into the livejournal was when I realized my friend Shachi would be reading it. I hadn’t noticed she added me on her friends list on her livejournal. I added her on mine too, but then it hit me: There is actually someone I know reading this livejournal. Before that time, I wasn’t worried since I thought I was just writing in the livejournal with strangers I don’t know looking into my livejournal, but to have a personal friend read is much different. And I noticed her on my friends list some time ago when I hadn’t even seen my user page for a long time. Oh shit. That’s what I thought. When I type things online on a xanga or livejournal or wherever and my friends read it, I get scared. The past entries I will not edit or delete because it’s already here. I must say I wrote some pretty personal things in those entries. I did not choose my words because I thought since there were probably only strangers reading it; not any friends of mine.
I had the chili soup that dad bought from Wendy’s last night. I ate half of it before throwing it out. I only really like the beans in the soup anyways. Then I ate some bread.
These sparrow birds always come to the backyard whenever there’s no one around. They look for scraps of food. Since I knew they were going to fly back when I went back inside the house, I have them shreds of the bread I was eating. I used up about four slices of bread on them. There were only a couple of birds at first, but then a whole dozen or more of them came to grab pieces of bread for themselves. I counted about twenty one of them before they all started to move around a lot. My bread even attracted the hungry mouths of three or four crows. I thought the crows were a bit greedy since when they didn’t get any bread, one of them stole bread from one of the little sparrows.
I saw a very pretty sparrow with an unusual color. The neck and head of the sparrow were this orangey shade; almost kind of reddish. Once I saw a baby sparrow at the entrance to the train station. Next to it was a bigger sparrow bird; probably the mother bird. The baby bird was so cute looking I almost wanted to take it home, but I didn’t. When people at school once found a baby bird that fell out of its’ nest, they tried to put it back in the nest. But my science teacher at the time, Mrs. Feldman, said that the mother bird would be able to smell out the human scent on the baby bird and abandon the nest.
I don’t know when I’m going to buy the Family Tree Maker 2006 Deluxe Edition. Yesterday evening I was counting up all the money I had in my room. I hadn’t realized I had more money in another wallet of mine until I looked. Before my trip to Taiwan, I had a larger sum of money. At least half of that sum was spent on manga and books and bird food. If I do buy Family Tree Maker 2006 Deluxe Edition, I am not going to buy any manga or books over the summer with any of the other money I have left. But I won’t feed off of my parents’ money either. I won’t ask anyone to lend me money, which I have never done in my entire life. It’s not good to ask my parents to buy me this and that. I never told my parents what I wanted in the past. My mother asked me why I hadn’t told her one time, but I couldn’t answer her. But I partially knew then that I would only be spoiled if they knew what I wanted. If they knew what I wanted, they’d try to spoil me with what I liked. Parents always give you things, but they are just things. Parents never show their love the proper way. They only give you things in the way they suppose giving you what you want will make you happy, but the truth is, whatever you get is never enough. You’ll always want something else. That makes one spoiled. If they give you things to show their love, they aren’t showing their love. They are giving you things as substitute for their love and no love is shown in giving people things like that. That is what my parents don’t understand. I may never be able to properly explain this to them. They just don’t get it that if they buy me whatever I like, they’re spoiling me rotten. They THINK they are giving me love and affection through the things they give me, but really they are neglecting me. It’s true. I heard it on Oprah.
Just today an episode aired on Oprah about the same thing. To think I thought I was spoiled when I was a kid; just looking at those two kids from an all American family didn’t even make me compare. They were even more demanding than me. And the single mother who spoiled her four year old daughter with everything was ridiculous. It was beyond stupid. Like what the hell was she thinking buying fifty Barbies, a f--king coach purse, and a cell phone for a FOUR YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL?
I like how Oprah always stresses in other episodes [when the subject is brought up] the main factor about child molestation: It isn’t the sex, but the shame of the act itself that damages the child who is being molested. I like that she says it so often because everyone needs to know that. It’s very important.
But I think the all American family that was on Oprah is a good example for MOST families in America, but not all. Like my family isn’t like theirs. I can’t just come on the Oprah Winfrey show and tell my parents what they need to hear; that some of the things they do isn’t working for me. I really don’t want to go into this again.
A new movie came out. I saw a commercial of it. It’s called The Ant Bully. I just knew they would make a movie like that. Ants are so small and they seem to work hard, but humans consistently push them around. So what will they do? Fight back.
Finished 7:42 p.m on Tuesday, June 27, 2006