(no subject)
Monday, June 19, 2006 4:26 p.m.
Dear Diary, I took a shower in the morning again. I had the urge to wash my hair, but decided to wait until tomorrow. I had a dream about myself being locked away from people since I supposedly did something bad. The person who was inspecting me was a man that surprisingly looked like my guidance counselor (and former Math teacher) Mr. Rolof. Basically he wanted to purge me of my negative emotions. Someone discovered something “off” about me and Mr. Rolof look-like asked me for my diaries. While in the confined area, I was to record everything down in the form of diaries. But I refused to hand all of them over to him since if he read it, he would know I wasn’t normal. It was like I didn’t want him to find out about everything that made me so different. If he knew, then he would try to “purge” me. In the dream, every person seemed to go through this, and they are literally “purged” so they can become “normal” people.
Mom still hadn’t left for work by the time I finished with my shower and headed downstairs. I had forgotten today is Monday and that she goes to work late on Mondays. I had toasted bread with peanut butter smeared on it. I ate most of it before I threw it out to go and feed Panda his dog food. Mom left for work around almost 10 p.m.
Afterwards, I went to my room to organize a lot of stuff. Mostly things I have left hanging around in a heap of a mess. I’ve been very disorganized lately. I sorted out mostly old school stuff from the cycle of school before it ended.
I started typing up my family tree in an interesting way that looked a bit like a chain letter. It’s hard to describe. I got inspiration from a soap opera’s (Passions) group of family trees that are this way. I started out from my father’s side first, then a separate one for my mother’s side. I do have a lot of relatives, but I want to expand the tree further, too.
I did some people finder searches to locate birth dates of some relatives, then I used this online calculator that helps to find the day of the week someone was born in. It’s a freaky coincidence that both my parents were born on a Friday; and my brother was born on a Friday too. Sadly, I was born on a Saturday. Boo-hoo.
I ate lunch (salad with sliced tomatoes, carrots, and chicken) at about almost 1 p.m. I watched part of Days of our Lives. I think Lexi has become such a bitch; cheating on Abe. I don’t watch Passions anymore; that show has just gotten annoying. When I was half finished with my salad, my brother and his friends were at the front door. He just came to drop off his yearbook and his friend Jason’s yearbook and his iPod before leaving. I was kind of relieved his friends didn’t come in for that short period. I might’ve gotten a little less afraid of people, but I don’t know what the deal I have with his friends.
I looked in the yearbook after my brother left. I saw Panda with a $10 bill in his mouth. I immediately went over to him to take it away, but it tried to run. When I almost got it, he bit me. Hard. Repeatedly. It hurt so badly. I yelled and scolded him, then snatched up the dollar bill. “I don’t know what to do with you, Panda,” I said angrily, tossing the yearbook on the bench, and the $10 bill on the coffee table, “I really don’t know what to do wit h you.” I was so pissed off at how hard he bit me. In the kitchen, I rinsed out the punctured holes on my skin of his teeth marks with soap, then I put a big band aid on the spot.
After I cooled down a little, I forgave him. Right now though, I can still feel the anger at what he did.
When it was almost 1:30 p.m., I checked the Chinese cable channel 4 to see if that television special about the mandarin pop group S.H.E. was on. It was commercial time, so I didn’t know yet. Suddenly the phone rang. I didn’t suspect it was anyone special; probably somebody looking for my brother or either of my parents or some stupid infomercial thing. I picked up the phone on the second or third ring, and pushed the ‘talk’ button and pressed the phone to my right ear; always in the same tone saying, “Hello?” once I answer the phone. "Hi, this is Kai/Kalyn (I forgot which she said), can I speak to Nathalie?” Oh. My. G-d. That’s the first thing that came to my head. It was so obviously Kai. I pulled the phone away from me and held it in the air for a couple of seconds; completely shocked and fidgeting about and thinking of what to do. When this type of thing happens, it feels like a little gasp of wind pushes itself into my chest. I panic for a few seconds and I almost think about hanging up [in disparity]. But I push the phone back against my ear, and go, “Hello?” again. I was so nervous; already fumbling on my words as I said, “W-wow, I did not know you would call ...” Our conversation started out awkwardly. After she explained about having the chance of getting me into trouble by calling me, I said no one was home except me. Then she asked what’s up and I blurted out if she still had school. She said something in a form of a question if I was already on vacation or something like that, but I got confused and was like, “What?” I did this twice after the first time and we both ended up laughing over the confusion. Kai said something like, “You guys can talk now,” and she was talking to someone else. She said her friends were over, so I understood. I barely said anything after that since she started to talk to her friends. I made out two distinctive voices and they were blabbering on and it was so funny. They sounded like they were stirring up some serious craziness. For the first few minutes, I liked listening to them though I was a little skeptical since I wasn’t saying anything this entire time. Kai checked up on me after one of her friends said, “Nathalie’s going to hang up pretty soon.” It sounded like she had the phone on the ground since her voice was faraway. After the first few minutes, I still listened to them, but after that, I got a little tired. And after that, I felt like I was listening to them drone on and on until I literally zoned out a bit. This wasn’t how I pictured it’d be with my first conversation with Kai. Does she always have friends over? Not that her friends were annoying or the least bit irritable; I just felt quite left behind since I wasn’t really even “there”. It’s not Kai’s fault either. I can’t tell her this since I don’t want her thinking that. I held the phone in my hand and even as I didn’t have my ear pressed against it, I could still hear Kai talking. Hesitantly, I saw no way out except to hang up. I did that, then I pushed the talk button again just to hear Kai talking again. I wonder how long it took her to notice I really hung up. So I hung up again; this time I waited quite a few seconds before I hit the talk button again to hear the dial tone. Sigh. I am so terrible. The entire time I was on the phone was thirteen minutes.
A little depressed, I ate something to fill that kind of guilt. I’m no food addict and I’m usually very conscious of what I put in my mouth, but sometimes, when I’m sad about something that really upsets me having to do with something I did, I just put food in my mouth. It was nothing really; it was just these seaweed biscuits that looked like those Pocky chocolate sticks. Still, I knew I was eating it just to fill up the bit of sadness in me. And I was just putting it in my mouth without really thinking. I thought eating it would make me feel better, you know? Throughout this time, I was on my brother’s computer typing an email to Kai. Sheesh, I feel so stupid. Any person would’ve been okay just talking with her with her friends, but not me. I’m just too damn quiet.
Later, I went back downstairs and fished out an ice cream bar in the freezer. I would’ve almost ate it, except it fell on the floor. That one indication made me think God was trying to communicate with me. I do believe God speaks to me through people everyday, and dropping the ice cream seemed to be no accident to me. I wasn’t really hungry since I just had lunch before, but there’s such a temptation with food. I was going to eat it since I was still sad. Instead I threw out the ice cream and ate half of this chocolate muffin.
Back to the t.v. I watched Dr. Phil. It’s not a lame show, but it has good advice psychologically. Then I saw What I Like About You on channel 11.
My brother and his friends came home later. I hurried off to the kitchen to busy myself so they wouldn’t see me. I found out they went to Modell’s when I saw the bag with the logo on it. I knew it probably wasn’t my brother that bought shoes.
Watched some of an old Oprah weight loss episode, but got bored very quickly. I went back upstairs to my room after I fed Panda.
My brother had the air conditioner in his room on. In the morning after he left, I wondered why he still had his door closed. His air conditioner was still on then, and I scowled at what he was doing to waste electricity. He said he would be back in a half hour, but he wasn’t. So I turned it off that time.
I refused to turn on my air conditioner. The heat was a little unbearable, but with my door open, my windows as wide as they could go, and the ceiling fan on, things weren’t so bad. I thought about other people in other places that are even hotter than where I was. They could be working in the fields in Africa; lugging things back and forth under the baking sun. Do they have air conditioners in Africa? I have privileges and I may use them, but not when they aren’t needed. Any person in New York could say it’s hot now, but just wait until August. Then it’ll be really hot. And think about all the other places that only have tropical weather unlike where I am that has four seasons all year around. I’m kind of making a statement by taking the heat and not turning on the air conditioner. Basically I want to experience the hot weather as long as I can. Yeah, I’m lucky and I could very well use that a.c. In the past, I would’ve never thought about this type of stuff. I always just turned on the a.c. whenever I wanted to whether it be after I just washed my hair, after school, etc. I never thought about the expenses on the electricity bill. I never thought about how blatantly I could waste such a precious thing. The blackout of 2003 in New York was what I thought then as “annoying”. I really just wanted the electricity to come back on and things be right again. And I was being such a dumb hypocrite being all worried other people were wasting electricity while I wasn’t even thinking about how I did that myself, too. And that was the first time I had the issue of wasting electricity addressed to me as a national issue. I never thought it before. I hope I can strive to be more knowledgeable about the unknown. My mind strays more often than it ever did before from subject to subject and all sorts of thoughts.
Anyway, I reread Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden. It was right in the middle of the book where Sayuri has to get Nobu and Mr. Crab and the Baron interested in her. I was on my bed reading this, and then my Dad came home. I lied about when I ate lunch and said I already did at 3 p.m. He came home around 5 p.m. I lied partially since I ate a little bit of a snack around 3 p.m. and if I only said I ate lunch at 1 p.m., he would so totally make me eat again. It’s so distasteful the way Dad is trying to make me like him by trying to make me eat like him.
I stopped reading and put the book back. I wanted to take another shower since my hair felt awfully oily and gross, but I didn’t since I already took one in the morning. I wanted to wait until tomorrow morning to have another shower. I should set a rule for myself; only one shower a day. Just think of the people and children who don’t even get to shower or take baths any time they want. Water is a valuable thing. Don’t waste it.
I had dinner at like .... 7 p.m. My brother ate at 4 p.m., so he couldn’t finish everything on his plate. I ate what I could, but didn’t finish the soup. Dad said to me that not eating makes himself hungry. I really don’t get my Dad. I said to him [in mandarin], “Well, you shouldn’t eat so much.” He obviously didn’t know I was referring to him, so I didn’t say so when he asked. It’s just so ridiculous. Dad says he’s hungry when he’s not eating, but I don’t think it’s like that. He says he’s hungry, but really he craves food. Just seeing the food makes him think he’s hungry, and he just eats it. He said there wasn’t anything he could do besides eat when he’s hungry. That’s bullshit. He could try eating healthy. And how about SMALLER portions, please? I say it’s crap since he just puts everything in his mouth without being conscious about what he’s eating. Does he not know he’ll just continue to slowly gain more weight as he ages because he has such bad eating habits? Look at all the junk food in my house. It’s like a disease and it makes me sick. And so mad he doesn’t even realize what he’s doing to me and my brother; trying to push us to eat more. My brother is already a terribly addicted junk food eater and drinks sodas all the time. Me on the other hand, I’m trying to suppress what my Dad is doing so I won’t do it.
Mom came home late. She always comes home late on Mondays since she works later. Mom doesn’t have a clue about eating healthy either. Does she not know where the line is drawn when one is overeating? Look at her when she has too much to eat and she tells my Dad to have like a third of her portion. Sometimes I look at her with glares of daggers in my eyes are hidden in secrecy. Sometimes I think she just uses her stupid stomach ulcers’ problem just to make Dad eat more. It makes me sick.
10:20 p.m.
Dear Diary, I took a shower in the morning again. I had the urge to wash my hair, but decided to wait until tomorrow. I had a dream about myself being locked away from people since I supposedly did something bad. The person who was inspecting me was a man that surprisingly looked like my guidance counselor (and former Math teacher) Mr. Rolof. Basically he wanted to purge me of my negative emotions. Someone discovered something “off” about me and Mr. Rolof look-like asked me for my diaries. While in the confined area, I was to record everything down in the form of diaries. But I refused to hand all of them over to him since if he read it, he would know I wasn’t normal. It was like I didn’t want him to find out about everything that made me so different. If he knew, then he would try to “purge” me. In the dream, every person seemed to go through this, and they are literally “purged” so they can become “normal” people.
Mom still hadn’t left for work by the time I finished with my shower and headed downstairs. I had forgotten today is Monday and that she goes to work late on Mondays. I had toasted bread with peanut butter smeared on it. I ate most of it before I threw it out to go and feed Panda his dog food. Mom left for work around almost 10 p.m.
Afterwards, I went to my room to organize a lot of stuff. Mostly things I have left hanging around in a heap of a mess. I’ve been very disorganized lately. I sorted out mostly old school stuff from the cycle of school before it ended.
I started typing up my family tree in an interesting way that looked a bit like a chain letter. It’s hard to describe. I got inspiration from a soap opera’s (Passions) group of family trees that are this way. I started out from my father’s side first, then a separate one for my mother’s side. I do have a lot of relatives, but I want to expand the tree further, too.
I did some people finder searches to locate birth dates of some relatives, then I used this online calculator that helps to find the day of the week someone was born in. It’s a freaky coincidence that both my parents were born on a Friday; and my brother was born on a Friday too. Sadly, I was born on a Saturday. Boo-hoo.
I ate lunch (salad with sliced tomatoes, carrots, and chicken) at about almost 1 p.m. I watched part of Days of our Lives. I think Lexi has become such a bitch; cheating on Abe. I don’t watch Passions anymore; that show has just gotten annoying. When I was half finished with my salad, my brother and his friends were at the front door. He just came to drop off his yearbook and his friend Jason’s yearbook and his iPod before leaving. I was kind of relieved his friends didn’t come in for that short period. I might’ve gotten a little less afraid of people, but I don’t know what the deal I have with his friends.
I looked in the yearbook after my brother left. I saw Panda with a $10 bill in his mouth. I immediately went over to him to take it away, but it tried to run. When I almost got it, he bit me. Hard. Repeatedly. It hurt so badly. I yelled and scolded him, then snatched up the dollar bill. “I don’t know what to do with you, Panda,” I said angrily, tossing the yearbook on the bench, and the $10 bill on the coffee table, “I really don’t know what to do wit h you.” I was so pissed off at how hard he bit me. In the kitchen, I rinsed out the punctured holes on my skin of his teeth marks with soap, then I put a big band aid on the spot.
After I cooled down a little, I forgave him. Right now though, I can still feel the anger at what he did.
When it was almost 1:30 p.m., I checked the Chinese cable channel 4 to see if that television special about the mandarin pop group S.H.E. was on. It was commercial time, so I didn’t know yet. Suddenly the phone rang. I didn’t suspect it was anyone special; probably somebody looking for my brother or either of my parents or some stupid infomercial thing. I picked up the phone on the second or third ring, and pushed the ‘talk’ button and pressed the phone to my right ear; always in the same tone saying, “Hello?” once I answer the phone. "Hi, this is Kai/Kalyn (I forgot which she said), can I speak to Nathalie?” Oh. My. G-d. That’s the first thing that came to my head. It was so obviously Kai. I pulled the phone away from me and held it in the air for a couple of seconds; completely shocked and fidgeting about and thinking of what to do. When this type of thing happens, it feels like a little gasp of wind pushes itself into my chest. I panic for a few seconds and I almost think about hanging up [in disparity]. But I push the phone back against my ear, and go, “Hello?” again. I was so nervous; already fumbling on my words as I said, “W-wow, I did not know you would call ...” Our conversation started out awkwardly. After she explained about having the chance of getting me into trouble by calling me, I said no one was home except me. Then she asked what’s up and I blurted out if she still had school. She said something in a form of a question if I was already on vacation or something like that, but I got confused and was like, “What?” I did this twice after the first time and we both ended up laughing over the confusion. Kai said something like, “You guys can talk now,” and she was talking to someone else. She said her friends were over, so I understood. I barely said anything after that since she started to talk to her friends. I made out two distinctive voices and they were blabbering on and it was so funny. They sounded like they were stirring up some serious craziness. For the first few minutes, I liked listening to them though I was a little skeptical since I wasn’t saying anything this entire time. Kai checked up on me after one of her friends said, “Nathalie’s going to hang up pretty soon.” It sounded like she had the phone on the ground since her voice was faraway. After the first few minutes, I still listened to them, but after that, I got a little tired. And after that, I felt like I was listening to them drone on and on until I literally zoned out a bit. This wasn’t how I pictured it’d be with my first conversation with Kai. Does she always have friends over? Not that her friends were annoying or the least bit irritable; I just felt quite left behind since I wasn’t really even “there”. It’s not Kai’s fault either. I can’t tell her this since I don’t want her thinking that. I held the phone in my hand and even as I didn’t have my ear pressed against it, I could still hear Kai talking. Hesitantly, I saw no way out except to hang up. I did that, then I pushed the talk button again just to hear Kai talking again. I wonder how long it took her to notice I really hung up. So I hung up again; this time I waited quite a few seconds before I hit the talk button again to hear the dial tone. Sigh. I am so terrible. The entire time I was on the phone was thirteen minutes.
A little depressed, I ate something to fill that kind of guilt. I’m no food addict and I’m usually very conscious of what I put in my mouth, but sometimes, when I’m sad about something that really upsets me having to do with something I did, I just put food in my mouth. It was nothing really; it was just these seaweed biscuits that looked like those Pocky chocolate sticks. Still, I knew I was eating it just to fill up the bit of sadness in me. And I was just putting it in my mouth without really thinking. I thought eating it would make me feel better, you know? Throughout this time, I was on my brother’s computer typing an email to Kai. Sheesh, I feel so stupid. Any person would’ve been okay just talking with her with her friends, but not me. I’m just too damn quiet.
Later, I went back downstairs and fished out an ice cream bar in the freezer. I would’ve almost ate it, except it fell on the floor. That one indication made me think God was trying to communicate with me. I do believe God speaks to me through people everyday, and dropping the ice cream seemed to be no accident to me. I wasn’t really hungry since I just had lunch before, but there’s such a temptation with food. I was going to eat it since I was still sad. Instead I threw out the ice cream and ate half of this chocolate muffin.
Back to the t.v. I watched Dr. Phil. It’s not a lame show, but it has good advice psychologically. Then I saw What I Like About You on channel 11.
My brother and his friends came home later. I hurried off to the kitchen to busy myself so they wouldn’t see me. I found out they went to Modell’s when I saw the bag with the logo on it. I knew it probably wasn’t my brother that bought shoes.
Watched some of an old Oprah weight loss episode, but got bored very quickly. I went back upstairs to my room after I fed Panda.
My brother had the air conditioner in his room on. In the morning after he left, I wondered why he still had his door closed. His air conditioner was still on then, and I scowled at what he was doing to waste electricity. He said he would be back in a half hour, but he wasn’t. So I turned it off that time.
I refused to turn on my air conditioner. The heat was a little unbearable, but with my door open, my windows as wide as they could go, and the ceiling fan on, things weren’t so bad. I thought about other people in other places that are even hotter than where I was. They could be working in the fields in Africa; lugging things back and forth under the baking sun. Do they have air conditioners in Africa? I have privileges and I may use them, but not when they aren’t needed. Any person in New York could say it’s hot now, but just wait until August. Then it’ll be really hot. And think about all the other places that only have tropical weather unlike where I am that has four seasons all year around. I’m kind of making a statement by taking the heat and not turning on the air conditioner. Basically I want to experience the hot weather as long as I can. Yeah, I’m lucky and I could very well use that a.c. In the past, I would’ve never thought about this type of stuff. I always just turned on the a.c. whenever I wanted to whether it be after I just washed my hair, after school, etc. I never thought about the expenses on the electricity bill. I never thought about how blatantly I could waste such a precious thing. The blackout of 2003 in New York was what I thought then as “annoying”. I really just wanted the electricity to come back on and things be right again. And I was being such a dumb hypocrite being all worried other people were wasting electricity while I wasn’t even thinking about how I did that myself, too. And that was the first time I had the issue of wasting electricity addressed to me as a national issue. I never thought it before. I hope I can strive to be more knowledgeable about the unknown. My mind strays more often than it ever did before from subject to subject and all sorts of thoughts.
Anyway, I reread Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden. It was right in the middle of the book where Sayuri has to get Nobu and Mr. Crab and the Baron interested in her. I was on my bed reading this, and then my Dad came home. I lied about when I ate lunch and said I already did at 3 p.m. He came home around 5 p.m. I lied partially since I ate a little bit of a snack around 3 p.m. and if I only said I ate lunch at 1 p.m., he would so totally make me eat again. It’s so distasteful the way Dad is trying to make me like him by trying to make me eat like him.
I stopped reading and put the book back. I wanted to take another shower since my hair felt awfully oily and gross, but I didn’t since I already took one in the morning. I wanted to wait until tomorrow morning to have another shower. I should set a rule for myself; only one shower a day. Just think of the people and children who don’t even get to shower or take baths any time they want. Water is a valuable thing. Don’t waste it.
I had dinner at like .... 7 p.m. My brother ate at 4 p.m., so he couldn’t finish everything on his plate. I ate what I could, but didn’t finish the soup. Dad said to me that not eating makes himself hungry. I really don’t get my Dad. I said to him [in mandarin], “Well, you shouldn’t eat so much.” He obviously didn’t know I was referring to him, so I didn’t say so when he asked. It’s just so ridiculous. Dad says he’s hungry when he’s not eating, but I don’t think it’s like that. He says he’s hungry, but really he craves food. Just seeing the food makes him think he’s hungry, and he just eats it. He said there wasn’t anything he could do besides eat when he’s hungry. That’s bullshit. He could try eating healthy. And how about SMALLER portions, please? I say it’s crap since he just puts everything in his mouth without being conscious about what he’s eating. Does he not know he’ll just continue to slowly gain more weight as he ages because he has such bad eating habits? Look at all the junk food in my house. It’s like a disease and it makes me sick. And so mad he doesn’t even realize what he’s doing to me and my brother; trying to push us to eat more. My brother is already a terribly addicted junk food eater and drinks sodas all the time. Me on the other hand, I’m trying to suppress what my Dad is doing so I won’t do it.
Mom came home late. She always comes home late on Mondays since she works later. Mom doesn’t have a clue about eating healthy either. Does she not know where the line is drawn when one is overeating? Look at her when she has too much to eat and she tells my Dad to have like a third of her portion. Sometimes I look at her with glares of daggers in my eyes are hidden in secrecy. Sometimes I think she just uses her stupid stomach ulcers’ problem just to make Dad eat more. It makes me sick.
10:20 p.m.