school
It's not like I've made new friends or anything. Which is okay.
I don't like english class. Some people I thought were much more reserved like me could talk so easily in front of everyone. I don't understand how others can speak so freely when everyone else is looking at them. They don't know what it's like to tremble and start stuttering or anything. None of them seem to have a social phobia like me. My therapist Kim classified my feelings as social phobia.
I wish Kim were still here. She lives in Queens, but now she isn't my therapist anymore because she switched jobs to work in a school in Queens. Now my new therapist is Joanne, who I first met at my h.s. back in June. She's the one who set up the appointment for me to meet Kim. Joanne worked in the same place Kim worked.
I really don't like that this other girl in nearly all my classes has the same first name as me. It's like my identity is stolen. I remember in second grade when this new girl named "natalie" came in. Everyone liked her. I was so envious. I was so pissed when she started writing her name was "nathalie" copying the way i wrote it when her name was actually written as "natalie". I guess most natalies write their names as natalie, but i have an h in my natalie, so i do feel a little special. i don't want anyone taking away that from me. besides, my mom gave me this name from a baby book. Though i do wonder if the h in natalie was invented by her. but natalie and nathalie was pronounced the same. the h is silent in my name, but people often call me as if the h were not silent.
Today in sociology the professor called my name first, but Natalie raised her hand and said here. So later when the professor called Natalie R., she went raising her hand again and the prof. is all like umm didn't you just answer before? and she's all like ... oh, i didn't know you were calling the other nathalie.
I know she didn't mean anything, but i couldn't help but feel a twinge of annoyance. My last name starts with H, and obviously, the roll call sheet always starts alphabetically from A-Z last name first. So my name was before hers.
One professor in another class made us do something the other day. we folded a piece of paper into 8 parts and ripped them out individually so we each had 8 pieces of paper. Then we wrote 1 thing on each paper that was valuable to us. And then she made us give up one of the valuable things each time until we were left with 3 things. I was left with "self worth" "parents" and "happiness". Out of all the things I gave up, I remember some of it ("friendship" "love" "health").
To be honest, I don't think I'm that pretty. One girl had on her three things as "looks" as in beauty and attractiveness. I've given up a long time ago wanting to be beautiful. people say it's more about inner beauty, but that's not always true. some are just vain through and through. not saying that's wrong or anything. it's fine to wanna look good, but there isn't just one type of beauty out there. there's all different kinds. see, i have this theory. all people have some sort of attractiveness about them, yet at the same time they all have some ugliness about them. i think this is because some people won't look at one person all in the same sense. some might think that person is attractive, and some won't. every person doesn't like the same type of beauty. even someone others think looks absolutely gorgeous can look like too much for someone else.
I'd better go now. Tomorrow's going to be another day. I still don't have the english book i'm reading in english class. So I'm quite behind from everyone. sucks for me.
I don't get how one day of school with three classes with a total of three hours makes me tired. I must not be getting enough sleep at night. I slept early yesterday. every time i sleep late, i think about how many hours i am losing out on and then trying to make up for those hours by sleeping early.
I don't like english class. Some people I thought were much more reserved like me could talk so easily in front of everyone. I don't understand how others can speak so freely when everyone else is looking at them. They don't know what it's like to tremble and start stuttering or anything. None of them seem to have a social phobia like me. My therapist Kim classified my feelings as social phobia.
I wish Kim were still here. She lives in Queens, but now she isn't my therapist anymore because she switched jobs to work in a school in Queens. Now my new therapist is Joanne, who I first met at my h.s. back in June. She's the one who set up the appointment for me to meet Kim. Joanne worked in the same place Kim worked.
I really don't like that this other girl in nearly all my classes has the same first name as me. It's like my identity is stolen. I remember in second grade when this new girl named "natalie" came in. Everyone liked her. I was so envious. I was so pissed when she started writing her name was "nathalie" copying the way i wrote it when her name was actually written as "natalie". I guess most natalies write their names as natalie, but i have an h in my natalie, so i do feel a little special. i don't want anyone taking away that from me. besides, my mom gave me this name from a baby book. Though i do wonder if the h in natalie was invented by her. but natalie and nathalie was pronounced the same. the h is silent in my name, but people often call me as if the h were not silent.
Today in sociology the professor called my name first, but Natalie raised her hand and said here. So later when the professor called Natalie R., she went raising her hand again and the prof. is all like umm didn't you just answer before? and she's all like ... oh, i didn't know you were calling the other nathalie.
I know she didn't mean anything, but i couldn't help but feel a twinge of annoyance. My last name starts with H, and obviously, the roll call sheet always starts alphabetically from A-Z last name first. So my name was before hers.
One professor in another class made us do something the other day. we folded a piece of paper into 8 parts and ripped them out individually so we each had 8 pieces of paper. Then we wrote 1 thing on each paper that was valuable to us. And then she made us give up one of the valuable things each time until we were left with 3 things. I was left with "self worth" "parents" and "happiness". Out of all the things I gave up, I remember some of it ("friendship" "love" "health").
To be honest, I don't think I'm that pretty. One girl had on her three things as "looks" as in beauty and attractiveness. I've given up a long time ago wanting to be beautiful. people say it's more about inner beauty, but that's not always true. some are just vain through and through. not saying that's wrong or anything. it's fine to wanna look good, but there isn't just one type of beauty out there. there's all different kinds. see, i have this theory. all people have some sort of attractiveness about them, yet at the same time they all have some ugliness about them. i think this is because some people won't look at one person all in the same sense. some might think that person is attractive, and some won't. every person doesn't like the same type of beauty. even someone others think looks absolutely gorgeous can look like too much for someone else.
I'd better go now. Tomorrow's going to be another day. I still don't have the english book i'm reading in english class. So I'm quite behind from everyone. sucks for me.
I don't get how one day of school with three classes with a total of three hours makes me tired. I must not be getting enough sleep at night. I slept early yesterday. every time i sleep late, i think about how many hours i am losing out on and then trying to make up for those hours by sleeping early.