(no subject)
I failed my second math test. Too bad. I didn't hand in my poetry homework, which was really due yesterday, but could have been handed in today.
I'm so quiet in my poetry class. The majority is black, and that kind of frightens me. If anyone has grown up as I have being bullied by black people, well, he/she would probably feel the same kind of fear and disassociation I feel when I'm around them. I try to not be scared of them. Today Rolan approached me and tried to talk to me. He's not a bad person. I'm not bothered by that fact he is black, too, cause he seems like such a nice guy. He's pretty short, too. But I feel like I couldn't hold a proper conversation in front of everyone. Claudia was watching, and when I met her eyes, she looked so serious. She always looks like that, but I got intimidated by that. Also, Earl and Krystle were there too. I'm sure they weren't listening; didn't even notice; but I felt conscious. So I wouldn't talk to Rolan even though he was trying to be nice to me. So I guess since I ignored him, it must've looked in Claudia's eyes that I was being a bitch or something. I don't know what anyone in that class thinks of me. All I really want is out of that stupid class. Being stuck way in the back where there's only black people around me doesn't help me.
Mr. Autovino doesn't seem so bad anymore. Aside from his weird comments, like today when we were taking a test in a form of an essay, he told the entire class not to write in chinese. What is with that? I wrote my essay in pencil because I didn't have any pens. Everyone who handed in their essay early on could leave before the period ended. When I handed in mine, he was like, "You wrote in pencil." I'm guessing he didn't like that, but what could I do? He said he would erase the entire thing, but I just gave him a skeptical look and took my stuff and left the room.
I stood very near the front of the train platform where people ususally stand when they are about to board a train. It felt nice because I was one of the first people to get on the platform itself. It was raining, but only lightly enough so I didn't care about getting wet. I focused my eyes on nothing special, but usually I'm so conscious of seeing other people in the corner of my eyes and fearing they are looking at me, so I tend to blink a lot. So my eyes never really focus on things unless I'm really distracted and then I forget about everyone. I've tried training myself to not be so conscious and control my eyes.
I met the eyes of a guy from the opposite platform diagonal from me. It only felt okay to look back at him and then away, and then back again in curiousity because he wasn't up close next to me or on the same platform as me. The train on my side came, but it was an express train, and it didn't stop. The next train that came converged with the train coming from the opposite side for the other platform across from me.
Yesterday on the train, there was an instant foul smell that sneaked up my nostrils when I stepped in the train. Everyone was crammed together in one section, and I wondered why. There was no one standing in the middle, so I grabbed onto the pole there. Mostly I did this at the spur of the moment since I saw Cynthia and Cynthia and I didn't want them to see me. When I held onto the pole, the foul smell picked up with a stronger scent, and then out of the corner of my eye I saw a man with a white beard. I knew in that moment it was coming from him. From the smell, he must've been homeless. It wasn't until a girl passed the middle section on her way to another section of the train said, "Oh my God," did I really intake on the extent of the smell crawling into everyone's noses and causing disgust. I moved away nearby to another pole where the smell was fainter, but still there. I couldn't turn around and directly look at the homeless man. He was asleep, so any onlooker's pinched face with disgust written on it he did not see. I was trying to think of the man past how unhealthy hygienically he is, which was obviously clear, but being homeless is not fun. I mean, it was someone without a home and despite the smell, I thought about how sad it was.
No one in the section I was in said anything about the smell until one guy inquired about it. Then when they got to talking, someone remarked, "Maybe he's dead." I don't know what rotting corpses smell like, but surely it must be an even more vile smell even though the odor in the train smelt bad enough. The air felt contaminated. Until I got off the train, that is what it felt like.
I have another week of school next week until winter break. I can't wait for school to end. I'm sick, sick, sick of it to the extent right now. I wish I could just skip class and go to a bookstore and sit there and read manga all day. Or sleep until 11 a.m. My brother's last day at college was today. He still has to go for tests, I think, but other than that, he's officially off for winter break. Lucky bastard.
My uncle's last day of school at Kingsborough was also today. He came home at about 10:30 a.m. Dad and I talked a little during the time before Mom came home, and then after she came home and went upstairs to take a shower.
I'm so quiet in my poetry class. The majority is black, and that kind of frightens me. If anyone has grown up as I have being bullied by black people, well, he/she would probably feel the same kind of fear and disassociation I feel when I'm around them. I try to not be scared of them. Today Rolan approached me and tried to talk to me. He's not a bad person. I'm not bothered by that fact he is black, too, cause he seems like such a nice guy. He's pretty short, too. But I feel like I couldn't hold a proper conversation in front of everyone. Claudia was watching, and when I met her eyes, she looked so serious. She always looks like that, but I got intimidated by that. Also, Earl and Krystle were there too. I'm sure they weren't listening; didn't even notice; but I felt conscious. So I wouldn't talk to Rolan even though he was trying to be nice to me. So I guess since I ignored him, it must've looked in Claudia's eyes that I was being a bitch or something. I don't know what anyone in that class thinks of me. All I really want is out of that stupid class. Being stuck way in the back where there's only black people around me doesn't help me.
Mr. Autovino doesn't seem so bad anymore. Aside from his weird comments, like today when we were taking a test in a form of an essay, he told the entire class not to write in chinese. What is with that? I wrote my essay in pencil because I didn't have any pens. Everyone who handed in their essay early on could leave before the period ended. When I handed in mine, he was like, "You wrote in pencil." I'm guessing he didn't like that, but what could I do? He said he would erase the entire thing, but I just gave him a skeptical look and took my stuff and left the room.
I stood very near the front of the train platform where people ususally stand when they are about to board a train. It felt nice because I was one of the first people to get on the platform itself. It was raining, but only lightly enough so I didn't care about getting wet. I focused my eyes on nothing special, but usually I'm so conscious of seeing other people in the corner of my eyes and fearing they are looking at me, so I tend to blink a lot. So my eyes never really focus on things unless I'm really distracted and then I forget about everyone. I've tried training myself to not be so conscious and control my eyes.
I met the eyes of a guy from the opposite platform diagonal from me. It only felt okay to look back at him and then away, and then back again in curiousity because he wasn't up close next to me or on the same platform as me. The train on my side came, but it was an express train, and it didn't stop. The next train that came converged with the train coming from the opposite side for the other platform across from me.
Yesterday on the train, there was an instant foul smell that sneaked up my nostrils when I stepped in the train. Everyone was crammed together in one section, and I wondered why. There was no one standing in the middle, so I grabbed onto the pole there. Mostly I did this at the spur of the moment since I saw Cynthia and Cynthia and I didn't want them to see me. When I held onto the pole, the foul smell picked up with a stronger scent, and then out of the corner of my eye I saw a man with a white beard. I knew in that moment it was coming from him. From the smell, he must've been homeless. It wasn't until a girl passed the middle section on her way to another section of the train said, "Oh my God," did I really intake on the extent of the smell crawling into everyone's noses and causing disgust. I moved away nearby to another pole where the smell was fainter, but still there. I couldn't turn around and directly look at the homeless man. He was asleep, so any onlooker's pinched face with disgust written on it he did not see. I was trying to think of the man past how unhealthy hygienically he is, which was obviously clear, but being homeless is not fun. I mean, it was someone without a home and despite the smell, I thought about how sad it was.
No one in the section I was in said anything about the smell until one guy inquired about it. Then when they got to talking, someone remarked, "Maybe he's dead." I don't know what rotting corpses smell like, but surely it must be an even more vile smell even though the odor in the train smelt bad enough. The air felt contaminated. Until I got off the train, that is what it felt like.
I have another week of school next week until winter break. I can't wait for school to end. I'm sick, sick, sick of it to the extent right now. I wish I could just skip class and go to a bookstore and sit there and read manga all day. Or sleep until 11 a.m. My brother's last day at college was today. He still has to go for tests, I think, but other than that, he's officially off for winter break. Lucky bastard.
My uncle's last day of school at Kingsborough was also today. He came home at about 10:30 a.m. Dad and I talked a little during the time before Mom came home, and then after she came home and went upstairs to take a shower.