Going Going Gone Nutssss....Out of my Mind

[tenshisin]

Can't Sleep...zzzz....tried to relax it just scared me. Have you ever just layed in bed truely let go of yourself to the point it feels like everytime you exhale a small part of you from the inside pulls out. You can feel it or at least I can feel it at the tip of my forearms just below my elbow and in my finger tips and toes, between my pecktorial musscle and arm, in my legs down by my calves. Thats the first feeling then comes the change in breathing you have to focus and relax don't panic, because everytime all that shit happen I feel like I stopped breathing, I feel dead, and I'm worried I'll be stuck this way. But you learn to relax more and you get past it. Then when you do become aware you are still breathing it is somehow different this time. Every little bit of air enters my body with every pulsating beat of my heart which at this time is very noticable. My whole body is moving and rocking to my pulse, and the only time i get any air is between each pulse a little bit of air enters expanding my chest. It like climbing up a latter or cliff edge and when you breathe out you fall or slide. Sometimes my eyelids open and I have no idea because between the awareness of the pulsating body you get lost and all you can see for the time being is darkness and your so relax you don't even know if your eyes are shut or open it just darkness. Beating heart pounding and moved your body so much you begin to have visson of your self in a new way of seeing things. You can now see you body by the rocking back and forth against the sheets, you see now by your feelings no with your eyes because your eyes are distracted by that endless darkness. And a very strong feeling of vunarblity over comes you that at anytime your life feels like it could be swept away by any force that comes by even a violent wind, I've never gotten past this point I snap out of it, because I get scared and panic. I am focusing on not worring and going further. It's and experiece you feel with your body that put you out of place, you feel the same yet very different, I feel like my body was fucked like I was a big vagina and I got fucked all over. A very interesting pulse feeling was my head when my pulse pushed my blood I felt the pillow by my sides push out as well and the part my head was under lifted up then down and repeated. Just to feel that force when you are doing nothing really gives you a idea of existense and presence. How the living affect the non living I'm really talking spirits in that sense I mean my pillow is dead as well as the sheets, but my presence of life changed the pillow somehow?And in the end everything zooms outward and I feel very small. I feel like a baby.

After this I got freaked, I kinda woke from it all but i was awake the whole time????But anyway i decided to rest from it because I felt very exhausted, but not tired. I went on to what I usually do when my eyes are shut think of some story in my head, or have wish full thinking of thing i want or need, or think of things that are stuck in your head like names for comics grrrr.... driving me nuts, if i was mine there would be no problem, ......Crytic Murders???? ahhh I don't know I'm going to bed