Watashi no haha e no tegami [a letter to my mother]
After crying my heart out for nearly two weeks, contemplating, crying, thinking what could possibly go wrong, i finally was able to let it go, to let it out, let you hear my heart ma..
I never did once mention this to anyone even to my sisters, because i really wanted it for you to be the first person to know mama...as the title implies, this is an apology, no, more than an apology, this is a request for forgiveness.
For nearly two weeks, I kept on asking myself what could possibly go wrong.., it breaks my heart just thinking of a better way to tell you, but it breaks my heart even more knowing that sooner or later i have to tell you, that for the nth time, i would disappoint you again.
Sorry if it took me two weeks to tell you ma.. i was too ashamed to tell you.. but i was more afraid with your reaction ma.. for this past months, you provided me everything that I had asked of you, even if it gave you a hard time you never complained.. and yet what have I done?
I was praying, hoping and pleading to God for any possible help that He could give me.. but I guess my faith was not enough for Him to grant my prayers. If there is someone who i don't want to disappoint the most, it is you mama. God know how broken I was when I found out what happened.
I asked myself the million times already what did i do wrong.. no matter how hard i studied, it wasn't enough for me to pass. You know how I spend sleepless nights just to study for an exam.. that's why when I saw my grade, I was too struck that I just broke down and cry in front of my classmates, my professor, saying how it is unfair.. Unfair ma, for I had given much, studied hard, but still it wasn't enough. I even come to the point where I asked myself if I was even meant for the degree that I had chosen to take.. I was so frustrated.. God knows how I felt frustrated, even now..
God knows i really wanted to graduate.. but by failing one subject, now i can't. I'm sorry ma.. i only had three subjects this semester that's why, it really came as a shock to me when I'd seen our grades posted in the bulletin.. it was too sudden.. How come I failed a subject when i only had three subjects.. compare to those semester where i have more number of subjects..
i just can't get it ma.. I kept telling myself that God has a purpose for allowing that to happen, but i don't think I can believe this now..especially if it meant disappointing you again and again.. how can He possibly allowed that to happen? especially at this point of time where I have my hopes held high that I will graduate.. now i don't know..
I remember our last conversation when I told you all my hopes, plans after graduation.. now I can't talk about it now because I still need to study for one semester because of one subject! One subject ma,, all my hopes are gone..i felt really frustrated right now..just because of one subject im going to extend my college days.. its too much for me..
i really wanted to give up.. but how can I possibly do that? I still wanted to graduate ma.. no matter how long it takes..even if others say that I was not fit to become an engineer, even if it meant extending for one semester again..
i wrote this letter to ask your permission ma.. mama, can you forgive me for not graduating this sem? Can i still ask for you to support me?please don't give up on me mama,, I know it was too much of me to ask.. and God knows how i don't want it to end up like this, but God's purpose says otherwise.. as His child I wanted to complain to Him why He allowed such thing to happen.. but I can't.. I really can't understand what His plans are.. all i understand is that I have to trust His heart..every exams that I take, I always give it my best shot.. but I don't know what happened ma.. am I that stupid for failing a subject mama? Do you ever think of me being so stupid because I can't pass a subject? Now I don't know what to think anymore..I felt stupid, restless, and I feel worse because of it.
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand,
when you don't see His plan,
when you can't trace His hand,
TRUST HIS HEART.
note: BS civil engineering degree is a five year course, Im only on my 4 and half year already given its only the first term of the year here in Philippines,, and others will probably think that its only normal to graduate on-time (meaning, 2nd semester and all), but my mom thinks differently.. she really wanted me to graduate in advance,, that's why it will be too frustrating when she finds out that I will just graduate like a normal students..and worse its because of a failed subject and not because of some other things like illness, or due to paper works..
..our university rules states that no matter how good your grades are, when you failed a subject, you can't graduate with honors..
I guess i have to live on that fact that just because of a single mistake, all my subject for these four years that I've given my heart to the point of perfecting had gone into such waste..a single mistake affected it all.
I never did once mention this to anyone even to my sisters, because i really wanted it for you to be the first person to know mama...as the title implies, this is an apology, no, more than an apology, this is a request for forgiveness.
For nearly two weeks, I kept on asking myself what could possibly go wrong.., it breaks my heart just thinking of a better way to tell you, but it breaks my heart even more knowing that sooner or later i have to tell you, that for the nth time, i would disappoint you again.
Sorry if it took me two weeks to tell you ma.. i was too ashamed to tell you.. but i was more afraid with your reaction ma.. for this past months, you provided me everything that I had asked of you, even if it gave you a hard time you never complained.. and yet what have I done?
I was praying, hoping and pleading to God for any possible help that He could give me.. but I guess my faith was not enough for Him to grant my prayers. If there is someone who i don't want to disappoint the most, it is you mama. God know how broken I was when I found out what happened.
I asked myself the million times already what did i do wrong.. no matter how hard i studied, it wasn't enough for me to pass. You know how I spend sleepless nights just to study for an exam.. that's why when I saw my grade, I was too struck that I just broke down and cry in front of my classmates, my professor, saying how it is unfair.. Unfair ma, for I had given much, studied hard, but still it wasn't enough. I even come to the point where I asked myself if I was even meant for the degree that I had chosen to take.. I was so frustrated.. God knows how I felt frustrated, even now..
God knows i really wanted to graduate.. but by failing one subject, now i can't. I'm sorry ma.. i only had three subjects this semester that's why, it really came as a shock to me when I'd seen our grades posted in the bulletin.. it was too sudden.. How come I failed a subject when i only had three subjects.. compare to those semester where i have more number of subjects..
i just can't get it ma.. I kept telling myself that God has a purpose for allowing that to happen, but i don't think I can believe this now..especially if it meant disappointing you again and again.. how can He possibly allowed that to happen? especially at this point of time where I have my hopes held high that I will graduate.. now i don't know..
I remember our last conversation when I told you all my hopes, plans after graduation.. now I can't talk about it now because I still need to study for one semester because of one subject! One subject ma,, all my hopes are gone..i felt really frustrated right now..just because of one subject im going to extend my college days.. its too much for me..
i really wanted to give up.. but how can I possibly do that? I still wanted to graduate ma.. no matter how long it takes..even if others say that I was not fit to become an engineer, even if it meant extending for one semester again..
i wrote this letter to ask your permission ma.. mama, can you forgive me for not graduating this sem? Can i still ask for you to support me?please don't give up on me mama,, I know it was too much of me to ask.. and God knows how i don't want it to end up like this, but God's purpose says otherwise.. as His child I wanted to complain to Him why He allowed such thing to happen.. but I can't.. I really can't understand what His plans are.. all i understand is that I have to trust His heart..every exams that I take, I always give it my best shot.. but I don't know what happened ma.. am I that stupid for failing a subject mama? Do you ever think of me being so stupid because I can't pass a subject? Now I don't know what to think anymore..I felt stupid, restless, and I feel worse because of it.
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand,
when you don't see His plan,
when you can't trace His hand,
TRUST HIS HEART.
note: BS civil engineering degree is a five year course, Im only on my 4 and half year already given its only the first term of the year here in Philippines,, and others will probably think that its only normal to graduate on-time (meaning, 2nd semester and all), but my mom thinks differently.. she really wanted me to graduate in advance,, that's why it will be too frustrating when she finds out that I will just graduate like a normal students..and worse its because of a failed subject and not because of some other things like illness, or due to paper works..
..our university rules states that no matter how good your grades are, when you failed a subject, you can't graduate with honors..
I guess i have to live on that fact that just because of a single mistake, all my subject for these four years that I've given my heart to the point of perfecting had gone into such waste..a single mistake affected it all.