~*Sighs...*~
I wonder how much longer I must wait...it seems like everyday just gets longer and more drawn out and makes me all the more restless and upset/confused. I dislike asking friends for advice on my issues...because some of the time the small minority or large majority is at the extremes of the topic at hand--like the most recent one...which I'm sure you've all either spoken to me about or I told you what was wrong with me. The ideas all sound the same after awhile: either I stay and beat off the blows of anxiety and depression until he returns and I can get an idea as to what the hell happened...or I leave. That's not the problem. Why? Becuase I already know what I want to do. I wish to stay. And I will. My mind is trying to make it out harder than it should be...logic-analyzing it and the whole bit. So it's just being annoying...but everything else: from my heart, to my soul, to my inner instincts and conscious SCREAMS out at me that leaving is a VERY bad idea...and it would be the worse mistake in my life to make. I admit...it bouts of depression I seriously considered it--thinking it worthless to even try anymore or to hope and pray for another day in which I'll miraculously find that special thing in my Net mailbox or real-life mailbox with those infamous three words or stupid jokes that enlighten me everytime I see him--but ya know...deep down...I still know not all is lost...just give it time Anjel. I've fooled myself and went against my instincts...and got screwed up the ass royally. Never again.... Only problem is my depression.... I hate manic-depressive disorder--and I wasn't born with it either. It accumulated over years of social torture and being bent out of shape cause of IB and all the stress trying to love guys OR girls romantically put me through. It's an excuse, I know...but a viable and valid one nonetheless. It screws up my logic...it plays with my fears and transforms the feelings I get into pessimestic drown-outs to ruin my perspective on the world and make me become "Emo"--so to speak. It hurts alot of my friends...even my family at times...and ya know, it gets tiring...especially when I KNOW what "it" tells me isn't true.... It's like this darkside of me is trying to kill at me...this alternate personality that twists the world I live in and the people I love into hideous monsters out to get me.... I must fight it...I...must...for the sake of a best friend and a loved one.
Damnit Anjel...put up your dukes and FIGHT.
Put in the infamous words of LL Cool-J: "Momma said knock you out...I'M gonna knock you out...."
~Peace everyone...
And love to a very special person...
To ALL my special peeps:
Kirin
Damnit Anjel...put up your dukes and FIGHT.
Put in the infamous words of LL Cool-J: "Momma said knock you out...I'M gonna knock you out...."
~Peace everyone...
And love to a very special person...
To ALL my special peeps:
Kirin