(no subject)
Well, its been a week since last I updated this. How many people still read this thing? I can only imagine how many of you few have lost interest by now.
Anyway, I don't think there's too much to report. Saturday, I went out with my friend Blake. It had been a while since I had seen him last, so it was good to hang out with him again. I guess we went to a little party of sorts. It wasn't more than a little get together. Blake didn't drink much, I didn't drink at all, but some of the others got shit-faced. Blake and I ended up watching the movie "Man on Fire" with a guy named Brock while the others either slept or hung around outside, drinking and smoking. When Blake brought me home, we sat around in the car chatting and listening to a CD of a George Carlin comedy show I had burned a while back. You know, enjoying a bit of a laugh.
Let's see...Sunday, I went to a little gathering with other friends for Caleb and Jeff, although Jeff was sick and couldn't make it. Heather, Zane, Caleb, Michael and Elizabeth, etc. Well...it was nice to get out of the house. Some of us played a bit of SoulCalibur and, although I didn't originally intend to, fought with shin-ai. Some guy that saw us wanted to give it a try, I was a little surprised at how quick he was. Other than that it felt good to see them again. But it was a little awkward for me to be there. I mean, it felt like it had been such a long time since I had really spoken to any of them...I really didn't know what to say to any of them anymore, so, I hardly spoke a word the time I was there. So, I guess I've grown a little distanced from them without intending to. Even I'm surprised at how depressing that fact feels to me. If nothing else, I ended up with a vial of sleep oil from Heather which, in retrospect, I should have thought to pay her for. I tried it last night. It didn't really help me get to sleep quicker, but it seems to have made me sleep longer. From 2 AM until 12:30 PM.
But moving on...
I was chatting with a friend of mine the other day. Anyway, the conversation drifted to the topic of my negativity. He method of coping with things doesn't really work for me, so, I guess the coversation stemmed from there. Why do I have trouble coping with things like negative emotions, loneliness, etc.? Well, I don't think we resolved why I haven't been able to cope well, but we discussed a possible source of a lot of those emotions. I'm sure it may sound absurd to some people but I suppose the possible theory goes something along the following lines.
It would seem that, combining my lack of self-esteem and my feels of being neglected, I've developed the habit of, probably subconsciously, telling myself "Nobody loves me. Nobody ever could. Nobody ever will." And so, the theory seems to go, I've tried to substitute that for the attention of others. And, by doing so, I manage to ease my desire for attention but I fuel a state of loneliness and self-loathing. Of course that source of self-induced attention is driven by negative emotions and messages, so I end up solving nothing. However, I've not been able to reverse this cycle. I don't think I know how. And so, I'm more or less back where I started. Only maybe now I understand myself a little better, yet I still haven't been able to formulate a solution. Anyway, I suppose thats just a theory, it may not even be correct. If I've somehow misunderstood her explanation, maybe she'll be so kind as to correct me.
Anyway...what else is there to say? I've been having a few unsettling thoughts lately. Probably brought on by some combination of all the negative emotions I've been feeling. Frustration, anger, sadness, etc. Hopefully these thoughts will just pass soon. Of course, I'm going to refrain from mentioning them further in this post. Frankly, I'm afraid it'll hurt any semblance of balance I might have shown thus far.
I guess thats about it for this episode. But I would like to apologize to all of you who I may have offended or distressed. Whether from the thoughts I've expressed in this journal or otherwise. I may seem too apologetic to some of you, but apparently unnecessary guilt is another one of those feelings I have trouble coping with...heh.
Well then...goodbye and goodnight to all of you.
Anyway, I don't think there's too much to report. Saturday, I went out with my friend Blake. It had been a while since I had seen him last, so it was good to hang out with him again. I guess we went to a little party of sorts. It wasn't more than a little get together. Blake didn't drink much, I didn't drink at all, but some of the others got shit-faced. Blake and I ended up watching the movie "Man on Fire" with a guy named Brock while the others either slept or hung around outside, drinking and smoking. When Blake brought me home, we sat around in the car chatting and listening to a CD of a George Carlin comedy show I had burned a while back. You know, enjoying a bit of a laugh.
Let's see...Sunday, I went to a little gathering with other friends for Caleb and Jeff, although Jeff was sick and couldn't make it. Heather, Zane, Caleb, Michael and Elizabeth, etc. Well...it was nice to get out of the house. Some of us played a bit of SoulCalibur and, although I didn't originally intend to, fought with shin-ai. Some guy that saw us wanted to give it a try, I was a little surprised at how quick he was. Other than that it felt good to see them again. But it was a little awkward for me to be there. I mean, it felt like it had been such a long time since I had really spoken to any of them...I really didn't know what to say to any of them anymore, so, I hardly spoke a word the time I was there. So, I guess I've grown a little distanced from them without intending to. Even I'm surprised at how depressing that fact feels to me. If nothing else, I ended up with a vial of sleep oil from Heather which, in retrospect, I should have thought to pay her for. I tried it last night. It didn't really help me get to sleep quicker, but it seems to have made me sleep longer. From 2 AM until 12:30 PM.
But moving on...
I was chatting with a friend of mine the other day. Anyway, the conversation drifted to the topic of my negativity. He method of coping with things doesn't really work for me, so, I guess the coversation stemmed from there. Why do I have trouble coping with things like negative emotions, loneliness, etc.? Well, I don't think we resolved why I haven't been able to cope well, but we discussed a possible source of a lot of those emotions. I'm sure it may sound absurd to some people but I suppose the possible theory goes something along the following lines.
It would seem that, combining my lack of self-esteem and my feels of being neglected, I've developed the habit of, probably subconsciously, telling myself "Nobody loves me. Nobody ever could. Nobody ever will." And so, the theory seems to go, I've tried to substitute that for the attention of others. And, by doing so, I manage to ease my desire for attention but I fuel a state of loneliness and self-loathing. Of course that source of self-induced attention is driven by negative emotions and messages, so I end up solving nothing. However, I've not been able to reverse this cycle. I don't think I know how. And so, I'm more or less back where I started. Only maybe now I understand myself a little better, yet I still haven't been able to formulate a solution. Anyway, I suppose thats just a theory, it may not even be correct. If I've somehow misunderstood her explanation, maybe she'll be so kind as to correct me.
Anyway...what else is there to say? I've been having a few unsettling thoughts lately. Probably brought on by some combination of all the negative emotions I've been feeling. Frustration, anger, sadness, etc. Hopefully these thoughts will just pass soon. Of course, I'm going to refrain from mentioning them further in this post. Frankly, I'm afraid it'll hurt any semblance of balance I might have shown thus far.
I guess thats about it for this episode. But I would like to apologize to all of you who I may have offended or distressed. Whether from the thoughts I've expressed in this journal or otherwise. I may seem too apologetic to some of you, but apparently unnecessary guilt is another one of those feelings I have trouble coping with...heh.
Well then...goodbye and goodnight to all of you.