31337 n0 I\/I0r3... Or Perhaps, Never to Begin With
I just realized how lacking in geekiness I actually am. I thought I had found a niche, a social medium through which I could express myself fluently. For a very long time, I considered myself to be a connoisseur of all things nerdy, but after thinking about it for a while, I realized that I was very, very mistaken. For all of my practice at video games, I'm still one of the first to get fragged in any FPS. I never even got half-way through the first disc of Final Fantasy 7. I can barely walk upright, let alone play anything harder than the beginner's difficulty on DDR. I could never label myself an "otaku;" I love anime and manga with all my heart, but I still don't know jack when it comes to anything more than Angel Sanctuary or Revolutionary Girl Utena. When it comes to marching band, I continue to be dwarfed in marching skill, conducting technique, dynamics and endurance and even enthusiasm, even by other freshman (or rather, *particularly* by other freshmen). The UCMB is the entirety of my college life; we've done some pretty awesome things, and those guys are hardcore, but I always feel self-concious when I trade band-camp or travel stories with Brandon up at UMASS. I really can't compare high school marching histories with any of my trumpet friends; they were all in first-class competing bands, with first-class shows and marching bands that actually cared and gave effort (NOTE: I know that most of the people reading this were or are in marching band, and are damn good at said activity, but we all know that at least half of that band is in there for the easy A on their report cards). And as for computer coding or use otherwise... I'm not even going to touch that subject with a 10-foot pole. I'm a fairly good actor, I guess. I certainly can't sing, but I didn't even have the guts to go to a Dramatic Paws meeting at the beginning of the year. I'm get embarassed when I watch the Guys and Dolls DVD; all I can see are all the mistakes I made when I was onstage, and all of the things I could have-- SHOULD have known to correct those mistakes. I mean, I wish I could just staple my hands to my torso, just to keep them from flopping around all over the place. I thought that I was pretty well versed in Dungeons and Dragons. I joined the Wizards of the Coast message board earlier this year to talk with other D&D freakz about the game and share ideas. Almost every suggestion I made was either refuted or shot down. That was three weeks ago, and I haven't posted there since. After five years of burying myself in D&D books, I'm STLL a newbie. I've never read Robert Jordan, Anne McCaffery, or Terry Pratchett. I've never read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Ender's Game, Discworld, the DaVinci Code, or even the Lord of the Rings. And what will I ever be able to do with all of this nerdly stuff that I tried to learn? How will it ever, ever help me? Athletes at least get physical benefits from their hobbies. Has all of this time I've spent trying to attain this pure state of nerdly existence been for nothing? Well... yeah. It kinda seems that way. I just feel... embarassed, you know? Pride has always been one of my greatest downfalls. Call it... a distorted sense of self. Delusions of grandeur, even. Conceit. Whatever. So, yeah. So, I'm not the King of the Nerds. I'm a suXX0rz3d p0z3r n00b who gets pWn3d at every turn, and hardly a passable one at that.