Part 2 of 3
There are those moments in life that everything that is noisy is silent and all movement slows, a place where you acheive complete clarity and you know exactly what life is about.
It's around that time that I consider a bullet to the brain as an alternate living style.
If i had a bullet lodged in my brain... id name it lindsey.
I'm at camp, church camp, just trying to find God. I heard He's here at Disney.
Somewhere.
probably in line for its a small world. Damnit.
Walking out of a church camp church service, i poke around at my side, to see if anything's sticking out. a bone, a large solidified mass, an alien head, anything. Nothing, just pain.
Breath in, breath out.
I'm falling apart.
Jenny and nicole walk up, "whatcha guys doin?" Jenny waves.
Chris and Nic, look at me, "whats the plan?" someone asks.
already im pissed, im not the planner of events, off my nuts, dick sucker.
i might be a little on edge here.
Arica and rachel walk up, "whats up?" Arica waves.
Jenny looks.
my eyes dart.
Nic frowns.
Chris smiles.
my phone rings.
Hello? yo this is isaac! (on my phone)
Nic asks something to the girls. they reply, "no me, jenny and arica are in the same room."
what? i ask.
"this is isaac!" (on my phone)
No, not you... whats up isaac?"
"so what are we doing?" Nic asks.
"are you at camp" isaac asks. (on my phone)
People look at me, they must be wondering what were doing.
my head hurts.
Choose something you want to do and i'll go. i say.
Someone frowns, isaac says "what? umm... this is isaac!" (on my damn phone)
I know that... i was talking to..."
Someone throws a pen from accross the hall, it nails me in the head, but no one really notices. I never saw it coming. I name the pen Jenny.
Who's on the phone?, arica asks.
"whos that?" isaac asks, on my phone.
i ram my elbow into the door, my arm goes numb and tingles for a few minutes.
NO ONE! i say gently. and no one.
"this is isaac!" isaac informs me again.
No one? arica asks, but in her mind she says "you hate me because im fat"
The pain in my side grows to the side of a small midget. And he's singing, "its a small world afterall!"
"So what are we doing?" nic asks.
"this is isaac!" my phone says.
It was at this moment that i achieved total clarity. Everybody's mouths were moving, but i couldn't hear anything. Birds were flying slowly, the wind was light. My eyes glaze over, so much so that they almost cross. why do i hang out with these people? why am i such a loser? What is this pain in my side?
where is God?
Enough!
Isaac, i'll call you later. i hang up, lets go swimming, we'll be at the pool in half an hour, whoever wants to come, then come.
moments later i get a call from my parents. In minnesota, one of my aunts dies. I knew it was coming, we all did, but i wasn't thinking about it.
Because i was thinking of myself. my little problems. Im a selfish-egotistical asshole.
I talked with her, my aunt that is, a few years back, it was hard because she didn't know much english. but we tried. She loved me she said.
She was old, but too young to die.
It was unfair. Unfair that my life is trivial and meaningless, and that hers, one with more meaning then mine, has ended.
It was there i found God, and i found he hated us.