Am I right, or what?
My computer is in the kitchen, which has a view of the family room, which has a television. My sister uses this television quite often. Many times, it is apparently stuck on a single channel callled Mtv. I would like to bring to everyone's attention that Mtv is to television what Howard Dean is to the Democratic party. For those of you who don't know any politics, I'm basically saying that Mtv sucks.
However, I did not want to jump to conclusions. After all, every spring hordes of drunken college students migrate south to be a part of the wonder that is Mtv's "Spring Break". So, from the comfort of my own computer and glancing at the tv every few minutes, I bring to you the compilation of shows that make up this network, what they are about, and how they basically suck ass.
1. Well, technically this isn't a show, but doesn't Mtv stand for music television? Don't see a lot of music on there...just thought you guys should know.
2. "Date my Mom" - What kind of sick freaks would come up with this show? After the animation of a man with a beefy arm getting a tattoo that says "Date my Mom", I should have just stopped watching. I basically did, but not without grabbing some information. For those who don't know, it's like a game of bait and switch. Some poor tool goes out with three mothers who describe their daughters in hopes that the boy will give her some attention when the camera stops rolling. There are always two ugly daughters and one slut. There is also always a fat mother or two. The guy tries to make jokes and flirt with the mother, but you can tell that he doesn't want to, and to be cute, the tape cuts off at points for the guy to insert a phrase or two. Good job of telling us that you were staring at some 40 year old tits, we really wanted to know. Then, after the idiot dates the three mothers, they go to some random beach where the mothers are standing in evening gowns and the guy informs us he hopes he picked the hot one. Of course, he never does, and he tries to be polite as the fat/ugly girl goes crazy that for one day, she gets a date without acne or braces. The moral of the story? Don't listen to mothers when they say their daughter is "beautiful". There's a 90% chance their wrong.
3. "My Super Sweet Sixteen" - Or, as I like to call it, "Bitch City". In case you don't know, in the north, when a girl turns sixteen, they throw a big party and make a huge deal about it. Yes, it is a dumb idea. Anyway, this show somehow "finds" (Dad pays a nice sum of money) girls who are turning sixteen and chronicles the crap that unfolds. All these girls have obscenely rich parents and Dads who couldn't say no if a prison inmate tried to rape him. These girls rent out the Chanel store to buy a dress, rent out the Hard Rock Cafe to do the party, and try to get Beyonce to sing for them. The only thing they can't get is Beyonce, since she needs 5 million dollars to sing for an hour. Bitch. Anyway, the dads are never present until the party, where they present their daughter with a gift like a FREAKING TIARA MADE WITH REAL DIAMONDS! That's just absurd. Why the hell would you give your 16 year old daughter something like that? Because his wife is holding back the sex unless he gives something like that for his bratty daughter, that's why. And why is this shown on television? Who gives a crap about some skank's 16th birthday party? I sure don't.
4. "Laguna Beach - The Real Orange County" - I should sue this show for libel. Have you ever been to Orange County? I have once. You know what you see there? Hobos, hobos on the streets. There isn't much of a beach either. It's pretty small since most of it is in the next county. So here's how I think the meeting went when the Mtv execs created it.
Staff 1:"I see this show OC is pretty popular. Hmm, it's based on a real place, let's go there and film a reality show!"
Staff 2:"But sir, there isn't anyone dumb enough to sign up, the people there are educated and know better!"
Staff 1:"Bah, stop talking to the adults and start luring the kids, that'll get you some candidates!"
*Two months later*
Staff 2:"You were right! Here are the candidates!"
Staff 1:"What is that on that one girl's face? IS THAT A ZIT? NO ACNE OR UGLY PEOPLE ON MY SHOW! NONE! NONE! NONE!"
Yah. Anyway, real Orange County my ass. Oh yah, and I heard about this thing where girls are getting their hair cut like girls in the show. Congratulations! You're a lemming of the mass media without your own opinons! Good job!
5. "TRL" - It stands for Total Request Live. I really don't have that much of a problem with it, since it shows music videos and performances. And the great part is, if you miss it one day, don't worry, because the same songs will be on again at the same time tommorrow until they have to "retire it" so you can't listen to it anymore. It's really nice that these days you don't need good music to be popular, just a good PR campaign.
6. "The Andy Milonakis Show" - I want to punch this kid in the face. It's some retarded fat kid dancing around in the same clothes all the time with a sick, twisted attraction to elderly people. He invites elderly people to his house to put on plays with him, while most likely trying to sneak a peek of grandma naked. Sick bastard.
7. "Pimp my Ride" - Here, we have kids with pieces of junk for cars. Mtv, being the nice network that it is, is going to "pimp" them up. At first I thought this would be some documentary on car prostitution, but I was sorley dissappointed. I see this rapper named "Xzibit" (learn to spell, dumbass) talking about how he's going to "pimp" someones ride. The person gets 5 seconds of air time, then these random workers go and do junk to the car. However, this isn't the kind of stuff you would WANT done to your car. If I had a crappy car, I'd just want a new engine, a paint job, and to have the interior cleaned and I'd be happy. No, these guys add televisions, pool tables, PS2's and aquariums to these cars. In one year, maybe six months, the poor sap is going to hate his car. Sucks to be you, doesn't it? And then "Xzibit" "officially pimps them". In the immortal words of Stewie Griffin, WHAT THE DEUCE? How can you "offically pimp" a girl? I just don't get it.
8. "Punk'd" - Ashton Kutcher, you're a douche bag.
Well that's it. I'll do another one when I feel like it. And remember, if you have anything to say about it, e-mail me or reply to the post. And tell your friends, the more people who know, the better.
However, I did not want to jump to conclusions. After all, every spring hordes of drunken college students migrate south to be a part of the wonder that is Mtv's "Spring Break". So, from the comfort of my own computer and glancing at the tv every few minutes, I bring to you the compilation of shows that make up this network, what they are about, and how they basically suck ass.
1. Well, technically this isn't a show, but doesn't Mtv stand for music television? Don't see a lot of music on there...just thought you guys should know.
2. "Date my Mom" - What kind of sick freaks would come up with this show? After the animation of a man with a beefy arm getting a tattoo that says "Date my Mom", I should have just stopped watching. I basically did, but not without grabbing some information. For those who don't know, it's like a game of bait and switch. Some poor tool goes out with three mothers who describe their daughters in hopes that the boy will give her some attention when the camera stops rolling. There are always two ugly daughters and one slut. There is also always a fat mother or two. The guy tries to make jokes and flirt with the mother, but you can tell that he doesn't want to, and to be cute, the tape cuts off at points for the guy to insert a phrase or two. Good job of telling us that you were staring at some 40 year old tits, we really wanted to know. Then, after the idiot dates the three mothers, they go to some random beach where the mothers are standing in evening gowns and the guy informs us he hopes he picked the hot one. Of course, he never does, and he tries to be polite as the fat/ugly girl goes crazy that for one day, she gets a date without acne or braces. The moral of the story? Don't listen to mothers when they say their daughter is "beautiful". There's a 90% chance their wrong.
3. "My Super Sweet Sixteen" - Or, as I like to call it, "Bitch City". In case you don't know, in the north, when a girl turns sixteen, they throw a big party and make a huge deal about it. Yes, it is a dumb idea. Anyway, this show somehow "finds" (Dad pays a nice sum of money) girls who are turning sixteen and chronicles the crap that unfolds. All these girls have obscenely rich parents and Dads who couldn't say no if a prison inmate tried to rape him. These girls rent out the Chanel store to buy a dress, rent out the Hard Rock Cafe to do the party, and try to get Beyonce to sing for them. The only thing they can't get is Beyonce, since she needs 5 million dollars to sing for an hour. Bitch. Anyway, the dads are never present until the party, where they present their daughter with a gift like a FREAKING TIARA MADE WITH REAL DIAMONDS! That's just absurd. Why the hell would you give your 16 year old daughter something like that? Because his wife is holding back the sex unless he gives something like that for his bratty daughter, that's why. And why is this shown on television? Who gives a crap about some skank's 16th birthday party? I sure don't.
4. "Laguna Beach - The Real Orange County" - I should sue this show for libel. Have you ever been to Orange County? I have once. You know what you see there? Hobos, hobos on the streets. There isn't much of a beach either. It's pretty small since most of it is in the next county. So here's how I think the meeting went when the Mtv execs created it.
Staff 1:"I see this show OC is pretty popular. Hmm, it's based on a real place, let's go there and film a reality show!"
Staff 2:"But sir, there isn't anyone dumb enough to sign up, the people there are educated and know better!"
Staff 1:"Bah, stop talking to the adults and start luring the kids, that'll get you some candidates!"
*Two months later*
Staff 2:"You were right! Here are the candidates!"
Staff 1:"What is that on that one girl's face? IS THAT A ZIT? NO ACNE OR UGLY PEOPLE ON MY SHOW! NONE! NONE! NONE!"
Yah. Anyway, real Orange County my ass. Oh yah, and I heard about this thing where girls are getting their hair cut like girls in the show. Congratulations! You're a lemming of the mass media without your own opinons! Good job!
5. "TRL" - It stands for Total Request Live. I really don't have that much of a problem with it, since it shows music videos and performances. And the great part is, if you miss it one day, don't worry, because the same songs will be on again at the same time tommorrow until they have to "retire it" so you can't listen to it anymore. It's really nice that these days you don't need good music to be popular, just a good PR campaign.
6. "The Andy Milonakis Show" - I want to punch this kid in the face. It's some retarded fat kid dancing around in the same clothes all the time with a sick, twisted attraction to elderly people. He invites elderly people to his house to put on plays with him, while most likely trying to sneak a peek of grandma naked. Sick bastard.
7. "Pimp my Ride" - Here, we have kids with pieces of junk for cars. Mtv, being the nice network that it is, is going to "pimp" them up. At first I thought this would be some documentary on car prostitution, but I was sorley dissappointed. I see this rapper named "Xzibit" (learn to spell, dumbass) talking about how he's going to "pimp" someones ride. The person gets 5 seconds of air time, then these random workers go and do junk to the car. However, this isn't the kind of stuff you would WANT done to your car. If I had a crappy car, I'd just want a new engine, a paint job, and to have the interior cleaned and I'd be happy. No, these guys add televisions, pool tables, PS2's and aquariums to these cars. In one year, maybe six months, the poor sap is going to hate his car. Sucks to be you, doesn't it? And then "Xzibit" "officially pimps them". In the immortal words of Stewie Griffin, WHAT THE DEUCE? How can you "offically pimp" a girl? I just don't get it.
8. "Punk'd" - Ashton Kutcher, you're a douche bag.
Well that's it. I'll do another one when I feel like it. And remember, if you have anything to say about it, e-mail me or reply to the post. And tell your friends, the more people who know, the better.