safe place
Forgetting the fact, that most of my closest friends can see these posts, I like to have my feelings out in the open for them to see. Probably because I know none of them are actually reading them anyways. So what is the difference if I write on here instead of in a journal anyways? Maybe it will give them an idea of how I am feeling. What I still constantly think about on a day to day basis even though it has been so far since my mom passed.
So these are my thoughts tonight.
I constantly ponder the thought of actually leaving one day and never telling anyone. My life right now is pretty bad considering all the hardships I still face today. I think about just leaving literally everything here (except for my cat), and just escaping it all. Moving down south to somewhere such as Kentucky or Tennessee where everyone says they are so friendly and nice. Where the weather is more my style. Or moving somewhere amazing like NYC or Los Angeles with all of the beautiful people. Hell, I have wanted to move to New York City ever since I could remember. I love the "feel" of it there. It is definitely more me than Michigan is, except for the weather of course. Why though? What is that solving? What would I gain? What is the difference of living in some foreign place to me where I know no one? Nothing. Nothing a nice vacation wouldn't help maybe. Getting away for a while and gather my thoughts not in the same place all of the unhappy moments have happened in would be nice.
I have days now where I get so upset, rude, and bitchy and then seconds later I am in the corner of my bed in a ball balling my eyes out at the thought of my mom. It has happened twice now. One of friends says it is the "wave" process. Today, I woke up and it felt like I was back at day one all over again. I couldn't believe my mom wasn't here with me. I woke up wanting to tell her so much, realized I couldn't, cried all the way to work and then had to go in there as if my day was just "normal." All of these co-workers and people I talk to everyday thinking my days are dull and boring or like any other day when really on the inside I am constantly thinking about my mom. I look around and sometimes I see women who actually look like her and my eyes start to well up with tears and I want to hug them until I realize they are obviously not her. Then I want to start to cry because I know it isn't her.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me, which I know they do. All I want is understanding. There are some days when all I want to do is sit alone and just think. Be by myself. Not hang out with people. I have been through a great deal, which I UNDERSTAND people get. But, only to a certain point. I go out with them sometimes and while they are thinking of the great things we will be doing the next weekend, I have visions of my mom the day I found her. Or, we will be playing games and all I can think about is how much I miss my mom. Not even just my mom anymore. I am starting to remember my dad more now too which makes it even worse. And I get to a point where I think "ok, should I just keep pretending everything is ok and not tell them and just keep hanging out with them?" or "should I tell them and then have an awkward silence and then go back to playing games?" I don't understand how to tell them when we are hanging out that I am thinking of my mom or my dad? Or just keep silent and pretend I am thinking about the normal things they are?
At my group I go to for "help" I guess you could say, the mentor talks for a while and we all go around and say what we are feeling. A lot of the time she says "and you know what? it was god's plan for them" or "heaven is our destination, our loved ones are up there waiting for us after we are done in the bodies god gave us" and after she say things like that I think to myself "what the hell are we even doing here then? If heaven is our destination then LET'S GO! I want to see my parents damnit!" Ya know...why does it have to be complicated like that? Why can't we all just live a happy life with everyone we love with us? Why are we even on earth if our intended destination is in heaven with EVERYONE we love all at the same time for crying out loud?
So, after thinking about all that, I am going to go read my book and have a decent night.
Word.
So these are my thoughts tonight.
I constantly ponder the thought of actually leaving one day and never telling anyone. My life right now is pretty bad considering all the hardships I still face today. I think about just leaving literally everything here (except for my cat), and just escaping it all. Moving down south to somewhere such as Kentucky or Tennessee where everyone says they are so friendly and nice. Where the weather is more my style. Or moving somewhere amazing like NYC or Los Angeles with all of the beautiful people. Hell, I have wanted to move to New York City ever since I could remember. I love the "feel" of it there. It is definitely more me than Michigan is, except for the weather of course. Why though? What is that solving? What would I gain? What is the difference of living in some foreign place to me where I know no one? Nothing. Nothing a nice vacation wouldn't help maybe. Getting away for a while and gather my thoughts not in the same place all of the unhappy moments have happened in would be nice.
I have days now where I get so upset, rude, and bitchy and then seconds later I am in the corner of my bed in a ball balling my eyes out at the thought of my mom. It has happened twice now. One of friends says it is the "wave" process. Today, I woke up and it felt like I was back at day one all over again. I couldn't believe my mom wasn't here with me. I woke up wanting to tell her so much, realized I couldn't, cried all the way to work and then had to go in there as if my day was just "normal." All of these co-workers and people I talk to everyday thinking my days are dull and boring or like any other day when really on the inside I am constantly thinking about my mom. I look around and sometimes I see women who actually look like her and my eyes start to well up with tears and I want to hug them until I realize they are obviously not her. Then I want to start to cry because I know it isn't her.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me, which I know they do. All I want is understanding. There are some days when all I want to do is sit alone and just think. Be by myself. Not hang out with people. I have been through a great deal, which I UNDERSTAND people get. But, only to a certain point. I go out with them sometimes and while they are thinking of the great things we will be doing the next weekend, I have visions of my mom the day I found her. Or, we will be playing games and all I can think about is how much I miss my mom. Not even just my mom anymore. I am starting to remember my dad more now too which makes it even worse. And I get to a point where I think "ok, should I just keep pretending everything is ok and not tell them and just keep hanging out with them?" or "should I tell them and then have an awkward silence and then go back to playing games?" I don't understand how to tell them when we are hanging out that I am thinking of my mom or my dad? Or just keep silent and pretend I am thinking about the normal things they are?
At my group I go to for "help" I guess you could say, the mentor talks for a while and we all go around and say what we are feeling. A lot of the time she says "and you know what? it was god's plan for them" or "heaven is our destination, our loved ones are up there waiting for us after we are done in the bodies god gave us" and after she say things like that I think to myself "what the hell are we even doing here then? If heaven is our destination then LET'S GO! I want to see my parents damnit!" Ya know...why does it have to be complicated like that? Why can't we all just live a happy life with everyone we love with us? Why are we even on earth if our intended destination is in heaven with EVERYONE we love all at the same time for crying out loud?
So, after thinking about all that, I am going to go read my book and have a decent night.
Word.