Fucked up and no end in sight
I do not know what I am going to say. I do not know the extent to what it will do. I do not even know anything and that's the problem. I don't know why she does what she does to me. I don't know why it affects me so much still. Wait, I do know the last one. I love her. Still. I do not fucking know why. She has ignored me for going on two months now. I keep giving and hoping and being around and get ignored and cold shouldered. She's been rude to me, to my face, and it's slayed me. But like an ever fucking stupid dog, I'm still loyal to it. I can't shake her. I try, or I don't, but I think I try because it pains me so much, to drop her. To leave memories and traces of her. But they haunt me. Day in and day out. I get depressed. So depressed. Lonely. Pained beyond belief because I cannot speak with her about any of this. I want to, but do not know if she will listen or care. I think that's the possibility that hurts the most. That she's moved on when I cannot. I did not want this to be permanent. I was too hopeful. I believed that by us breaking up, she would finally get as much space as she ever could want, settle down again and do what she needed to do and I could do some soul searching of my own. But she's just ignored me and it seems more and more like I dumped her instead of both of us making this decision. I just want her back. More than I've ever wanted anything in my life. No other girl compares with her. I cannot bring myself to be with others. I tried, but couldn't do it. The last time I was with a girl I did not love completely, I felt so revolted by her. By me. By what I was doing. I felt like throwing up. I do now too. Images of Sara float through my mind and replace my vision. It doesn't matter when or where. It happened during my tennis match today and I lost a few points. I want our closeness so badly. Our intimacy. Our knowledge of each other to be useful again. I know in my heart that the way she is is not the Sara I was in love with, but I cannot admit to myself that she is different and that I cannot have my Sara back again. It was too much of my life. I feel like dying when the thought approaches. Acknowledging that she won't be back will rip out my soul. I am already so close to an empty shell right now. That will just be the last blow. I find little joy in other things. When I am finally able to take my mind off her, I am alright. But those moments are so few and far between that they are only just barely sustaining me. I have drifted into several sets of severe mood swings and have broken out crying while driving. On those occasions I feel so completely devoid of meaning, purpose, or willingness to live, which is so bad because I am usually driving very fast at night when this happens. I do not know what has gotten me home safely. Thankfully with some help, I have been able to see some good in me, but it is very hard to believe it. I cannot believe that I am worth so much when I cannot be worth anything to the one person I gave my entirety to. If I was worth so much, why would she do this to me? Why would she show me how little she cares about me? If she loved me anymore, at all, would she not be nice to me? Would she not talk to me? I can't focus on anything else anymore. I tried to focus on tennis, but I can't. Even that means so little when I don't have her. I want her to understand this, but I don't know how to convey it. I don't know if she cares...I don't even know what's keeping me around when I feel so much like a pile of burned dust scattered in the wind. No, even that has a somewhat beautiful spirit to it, and I feel completely ugly and scathed. Like if raw tar was vaporized left only by a foul stench and bad memories. I just want people to know. I want her to know. I want my parents to know. So I can have support. Apparently no one knows any of this and assume that I am a happy, confident, and loved person. I can't remember when I ever was (that I wasn't with Sara or Rachel). Maybe if more people knew, I wouldn't seem so closed out from them. Maybe. I hope. I already feel lonely enough.