"But I want to see it! I want to see it all!"
I'm not infrequently cold and distant even with those I'm closest to. There's a disconnect that's just sometimes present... I don't even know how to attempt to explain it, really. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, I just sometimes... am that way.
On the flip side, while most of those I don't really know bore me to tears and make me feel threatened and on guard, when I find someone special I want to be around them, near constantly. It wears off with familiarity, but I just find I want to dive in with both feet and build and discover as much as I can right away, because I know that if I don't I'll find that there isn't actually a friendship there. Or at least, not a self-perpetuating one. It'll spark and it'll sputter and it'll die and I'll never see them again. I can't even count how many times that's happened. And it's heartbreaking to me. Because I really cared for that person. I cared, deeply, for that relationship, and now all of that potential has faded away. And, it hurts to be like this--even above the natural pain of loss, it's like no one else is this way and it makes me feel stupid for getting myself hurt like that. Sometimes I think the primary motivating force in my life is the war between my desire to build up my relationships with special people and discover all about them and my desire to not have my feelings crushed or look like a fool or scare people away.
But then I remember what I mentioned in the first paragraph, that sometimes I just don't care almost at all about relationships, and I wonder. Where is the balance? Where is the sense? I do a lot of wondering, but I never seem to actually get anywhere with it.
On the flip side, while most of those I don't really know bore me to tears and make me feel threatened and on guard, when I find someone special I want to be around them, near constantly. It wears off with familiarity, but I just find I want to dive in with both feet and build and discover as much as I can right away, because I know that if I don't I'll find that there isn't actually a friendship there. Or at least, not a self-perpetuating one. It'll spark and it'll sputter and it'll die and I'll never see them again. I can't even count how many times that's happened. And it's heartbreaking to me. Because I really cared for that person. I cared, deeply, for that relationship, and now all of that potential has faded away. And, it hurts to be like this--even above the natural pain of loss, it's like no one else is this way and it makes me feel stupid for getting myself hurt like that. Sometimes I think the primary motivating force in my life is the war between my desire to build up my relationships with special people and discover all about them and my desire to not have my feelings crushed or look like a fool or scare people away.
But then I remember what I mentioned in the first paragraph, that sometimes I just don't care almost at all about relationships, and I wonder. Where is the balance? Where is the sense? I do a lot of wondering, but I never seem to actually get anywhere with it.