(no subject)
Who: Akazawa and Fuji
What: A trip to the onsen to try and relax ends up going in a direction neither expected.
When: Today, late afternoon/early evening
Where: The onsen
Warnings: Mentions of rape and suicide. Fuji learns some things about Akazawa that he never expected to share.
Notes: Both are.... surprisingly calm considering. I'm just putting it down to the fact that they can sympathize one another.
Fuji: *is at the onsen, slowly stepping into the water, a towel tightly wrapped around his waist*
Aka: *decided to see if a trip to the onsen will help him sleep better, towel only loosely around his waist* Ah! Fuji? *wasn't expecting anyone else to here*
Fuji: Akazawa, huh? Hello~ *smiles sweetly*
Aka: Hey. Didn't expect to see you here. *steps into the water slowly*
Fuji: *makes himself comfortable, making sure to keep at least a small distance to the large boy* This is nice, isn't it? Relaxing... And oh, I come here quite often actually. It helps me wind down. And you?
Aka: *settles down, leaning back against the edge of the onsen with his elbows propped up on it* I haven't been sleeping well lately, so I thought I might a try coming here. Might help me sleep.
Fuji: Well, don't stay in so long that you fall asleep here~ I don't think I could pull you up.
Aka: *chuckles softly* I doubt that'll happen. But I'll make sure I don't so you won't have to/
Fuji: Why, thank you. *chuckles as well* So... Why can't you sleep?
Aka: .. *leans his head back and closes his eyes* Nightmares.
Fuji: ... Oh. *doesn't want to pry*
Aka: *shrugs* It's not that big an issue. *Yeah, it is* Just... annoying that I can't sleep.
Fuji: ... That kind of makes it a big issue, don't you think? That you can't sleep, I mean. *pauses for a moment* ... I loathe nightmares myself.
Aka: I think everyone has an issue with them. *slightly forced chuckle* Recurring are the worst though...
Fuji: There's usually a reason for recurring ones...
Aka: .... *doesn't say anything for a moment before lifting his head* I see things are good between you and Mizuki.
Fuji: ... *moves his hand through the water, lazily* Strangely enough, yes. He told you? Or did you check up on our journals?
Aka: Passing curiousity on the journals when I couldn't sleep. I have to admit... I am surprised.
Fuji: Well, so am I. *chuckles* It's... trippy.
Aka: Trippy? *cocks an eyebrow* You're making Mizuki sound like a drug.
Fuji: ... Or maybe I am the drug, considered that? *smiles innocently*
Aka: ... I'd be more inclined to believe he was the drug.
Fuji: Now, that's insulting. *pout*
Aka: Drugs are bad for you~
Fuji: ... Oh. Well, I guess they are... *has the decency to blush*
Aka: *chuckles softly and leans his head back* Especially addictive..
Fuji: Aa. *is at least happy he's been clean for over a year*
Aka: *sighs contendly, dropping his arms into the water* This is relaxing...
Fuji: It sure is. *yay, subject change! ... Still thinking about the nightmares though*
Aka: *grins slightly* Might be harder to stay awake in here than I thought it would.
Fuji: *eyebrow quirk* That's a frightening notion...
Aka: Frightening?
Fuji: Yes. *smiles* If you did fall asleep, we're back to me trying to keep you above water~
Aka: *considers that for a moment before giving a soft chuckle* I'll try to keep awake.
Fuji: Thank you~ *giggles* ... Okay, joking aside, I'm gonna be intrusive and horrible now. What do you dream about? The nightmares, I mean...
Aka: *blinks before sighing and leaning his head back* Just.... stuff.
Fuji: ... Might help if you talk about it...
Aka: ... It used to help. Now it just makes things worse.
Fuji: *frowns and looks away* That bad... I'm sorry.
Aka: *shrugs* It's just become an annoying occurrence now...
Fuji: ... I don't believe you.
Aka: ... What's not to believe?
Fuji: If it's just a simple annoyance, you wouldn't lose sleep over it. You'd go to the nurse's office and get something to sleep on. And you wouldn't be bothered by the nightmares during the day either. *sigh* Have you done a confession?
Aka: Haven't been to confessional since before summer break. I've... been meaning to go.
Fuji: Is there a proper church in town?
Aka: *nods slowly* I go there on Sundays for the service.
Fuji: Really? I'd... I'd like to go some time. To the confessional. And the service. I haven't been to the Communion for... Well. A long time.
Aka: *lifts his head and smiles* You're welcome to join me.
Fuji: Really? Thank you so much~! *smiles*
Aka: *chuckles softly* You don't need my permission.
Fuji: But it's different if we go as just two people attending the same sermon, or if we go as two friends, nee?
Aka: That is true~ And it's always nicer to go to church with friends. We'll drag Mizuki along as well.
Fuji: Sounds lovely~
Aka: *nods, leaning his head back again and breathing out slowly* This place is great...
Fuji: *dives underwater for a moment before resurfacing, nodding* It sure is~
Aka: You planning to do anything with tennis after highschool?
Fuji: I'm not really sure... I don't think I am. I've lost the motivation. And... I don't know. Just trying to find my path right now, I think.
Aka: *nods slowly* Yeah... I know that feeling...
Fuji: ... You don't know what to do either?
Aka: *shakes his head slowly* I used to want to be a priest but.... *shakes his head slowly*
Fuji: *tone careful* What changed?
Aka: ... *keeps his head back and his eyes closed, not saying anything*
Fuji: ... *picks up a water basin from the edge of the onsen and pours some cold water over his head*
Aka: ... *cracks an eye open and lifts his head slightly, watching Fuji* ... Your arms...
Fuji: *blinks* ... What about them?
Aka: *furrows his brow in thought, shifting closer* Are they... They are…
Fuji: *steadies himself to keep from pulling back too much - then glance down at his arms. Criss-cross pattern over the wrists on both arms, on the left the pattern continues up along the arm as well* ...
Aka: *stares at them for a moment before looking up slowly* Those aren't from a cat...
Fuji: No, they're not. *smiles plastically at him*
Aka: .... Why?
Fuji: Same reason I did drugs for a while, I suppose.
Aka: ..... I see.... *leans against the edge of the onsen* You wanna talk about it...? *doesn't like to pry but still can't beat curiousity*
Fuji: ... You know what, I'm not even going to ask you to open your heart in return. *smile* Well... Psychological issues, clearly. I... started cutting, just a little, around the time Yuuta moved to St. Rudolph the first time.
Aka: *nods slowly* And.... things happened to make you.... do it more?
Fuji: *nod*
Aka: I've... never understood why people do that... *glances at him, lowering his voice* Does it... help?
Fuji: Not really... It feels like it does, but then guilt sets in, at least for me, and then it gets even worse. I've stopped now, you know. It's been a while, at least.
Aka: *nods slowly, looking back at the scars* So... things aren't so bad now?
Fuji: They're getting better. I'm in a relationship, I'm trying to work out a couple of issues, I'm seeing a psychiatrist... It's better.
Aka: *smiles* I hear relationships help heal the worst of psychological problems. *smile falters slightly* Never had experience with it myself *barely stops himself from adding the 'and probably wont'*
Fuji: ... Oh? You're quite handsome, Akazawa. I'm surprised you've never dated.
Aka: *smiles at the compliment* I'm not surprised. I.... just haven't found to right person. I thought I might've but... things change.
Fuji: ... That they do. I'm surprised at myself, you know... I've done a lot of stupid things; cutting, drugs, drinking... whoring. I'm in a safe, stable relationship now. It doesn't feel like I deserve it, somehow.
Aka: ...Even when we feel we don't deserve it, God finds something to treat us with. Maybe it's an incentive... but you get it then work to pay it off.
)Fuji: I think you're right... So. Mind telling me about the nightmares now? Or would you really rather not share?
Aka: .... *thinks for a moment before slowly shaking his head* I'm sorry, but... I can't.
Fuji: ... Very well. *is silent for a while* Have you ever toyed with the thought of suicide?
Aka: *smiles wryly* Would it surprise you if I said yes?
Fuji: ... I'd say it would go against your religious beliefs, but I'm not really one to pass judgement, so... No. *looks at him seriously*
Aka: *looks back, just as seriously* I've toyed with the thought. I've toyed with the act.
Fuji: *nods slowly* ... How?
Aka: Drug overdose.
Fuji: ... Oh. *frowns* What... What saved you?
Aka: ... My brother. He's saved me more than once.
Fuji: Are you grateful? ... Or angry? *doesn't look straight at him*
Aka: I was angry at the time... Because I hated him for it... I didn't want to be saved. I just wanted to die and to end the nightmare…
Fuji: .... *nods* I... Can understand that. I mean, I don't know your circumstances, but... I can understand. Been there too.
Aka: It's not a pretty place to be... I go back there occasionally when it gets really bad. So I'm not allowed medication unless I've got someone keeping it for me.
Fuji: Yeah... First time I tried to... Well, you know. I was eight. Messed up pretty bad, of course, because I had no idea what so ever what I was doing.
Aka: I was thirteen the first time. Just turned thirteen. And I knew exactly what I was doing. *sighs softly* I still remember what I was thinking. It felt like hell was on earth... so I wanted to try and join God.
Fuji: ... *speechless*
Aka: *smiles wryly* Didn't see that coming, huh?
Fuji: ... Not really, no.
Aka: ... No one ever does. Well, that's not saying a lot. No one else really knows anything except my brother.
Fuji: I'm sure you've been waiting for this, but... Why? What's so hellish that it drives a thirteen year old to something like that?
Aka: .....*sighs* I relive that nightmare too much to even consider wanting to talk about it...
Fuji: I'm sorry. *sighs* I won't ask anymore.
Aka: *smiles weakly, looking away* Thank you....
Fuji: *smiles back* Of course. ... You're free to ask me more if you want, however. My shrink says I should try and talk when I can. *chuckles*
Aka: *glances back at him, gaining a little more of his cousin* I'll listen if you want to talk.
Fuji: Yeah, I guess. I... Right now I'm really worried about Echizen, for starters. Have you heard that he has been hospitalized?
Aka: *nods slowly* I'd heard.... Anyone know why?
Fuji: I'm fairly sure Northlake-sensei and Dan-kun knows. And, well... My gut feeling says it wasn't an accident. But I don't know...
Aka: *smiles weakly* Well... if his brother and his boyfriend are on it, he should be okay...
Fuji: I hope so. Apparently he won't be able to play tennis for a while though. I bet that's hard on him.
Aka: ... Tennis is his life, isn't it?
Fuji: From what I can tell, yes.
Aka: I guess... you take a risk when your body becomes a key to your passion.
Fuji: You do. But I think it's the same if your mind is a key... If your mind is brittle.
Aka: ... That, too...
Fuji: Sorry, I'm only saying weird things here... *bashful chuckle*
Aka: *laughs softly, shaking his head* It's fine. It's not that weird.
Fuji: *blush* ... Well, then.
Aka: *chuckles* What are you getting so embarrassed for?
Fuji: ... I... Heh. I don't... know, exactly.
Aka: *chuckles again* Well... Minds always tend to be brittle, you know? They start brittle then… if you persevere, you'll be able to fix it stronger when it breaks. Just like you train your body to be stronger.
Fuji: *nods and smiles, the blush fading* Yes, that's right. I think I am stronger now than I was before. *touches the scars on his arm* Still though... I'm more lonely now than I was in Junior High. Still, I'm happier. Sort of. It's strange.
Aka: It's hard to get a balance, isn't it? Especially with a past like that.... *sighs and rests his hand on the surface of the water* Sometimes I wonder if things really are better now...
Fuji: *pulls up his knees to his chest, hugging them* When you start thinking like that, you're bound to start doubting where you are right now. It's quite dangerous. *thinks* Can I afford it...?
Aka: *bites down on his lip, slowly clenching his hand into a fist* At least death is certain.... Death leaves no room for doubt or second thoughts or worrying what anyone else thinks about how you reacted to a bad situation because you were too scared to speak up and say anything when it needed to be said. *glaring at his fist, knuckles clenched white*
Fuji: So that's what's eating you... *glances over at him and then nods* And death's peace. It's not worrying that you can't trust anyone, because they'll only end up hurting you in the long run. Death's not being in constant pain and fearing you'll say anything wrong which will end up in more pain. Death's just... rest, you know?
Aka: *breathes deep, forcing fist to unfurl* Death is freedom...
Fuji: We shouldn't be talking about this, we really shouldn't be talking about this... *hugs himself tighter* ... Release.
Aka: *breathes out shakily* A guarantee that I'll never have to see that bastards face ever again, except when I look down to watch him rot in hell.
Fuji: *wants to ask - what bastard, but says nothing as Akazawa is finally talking, only make a small, affirmative sound*
Aka: *lifts his hand out of the water, pulling his hair back and over one shoulder, plaiting it, mumbling a soft prayer under his breath in Latin*
Fuji: *sits silent, merely listening to him, trying to keep the memories that fester somewhere in his mind in check*
Aka: *falls silent eventually and drops his hands back into the water, staring at them* I was raped by the head priest of SeiRu. *tone distant, not having really intended to say anything*
Fuji: .... *stares at him for a moment, then looks away, hugging himself even tighter* ... When you were thirteen?
Aka: *nods slowly* .... It was my birthday present *grits his teeth*
Fuji: ... That's... *presses his lips together, staring out over the water*
Aka: *bows his head, hair falling from the plait and around his face, mumbling* I'm not going to sleep tonight...
Fuji: I'm so sorry. *still unable to look at him* *long stretch of silence, then* I was six.
Aka: *doesn't lift his head* Someone you knew?
Fuji: A neighbor.
Aka: *nods slowly, not saying anything*
Fuji: He continued. For four years... Then he killed himself. No one knows why, only I do. I... threatened to turn him in. He couldn't deal. So... If I hadn't said that, he'd still be alive.
Aka: You should've turned him in anyway.... *hypocrite*
Fuji: Have you? *quickly glances over at him before looking away again*
Aka: .... Oath of Silence.
Fuji: Ah. ... Of course. *thinks* If that creep has laid his hands on Yuuta, I'll kill him. *traces a hand through the water* When I was thirteen, I entered a relationship with a complete ass hole. He was a lot older, but I felt that... That was what I deserved, you know? No matter how he treated me. I couldn't ask for more, anyone better. Just couldn't. I broke up with him eventually... But he returned, last year. Raped me. Him I did turn in... Didn't have much of a choice. Ended up in the hospital due to knife wounds... Bloodloss. And the evidence was there. He got convicted early in July.
Aka: Failing with it though... I've broken it four times. *sighs and glances at him* No one deserves someone like that.... *stares back down into the water at his reflection* Relationships are supposed to be there to make you feel safe and loved and wanted and not try and destroy you....
Fuji: I think it was just another way for me to punish myself. *silent* ... Me. Your brother, I'm guessing... And...?
Aka: Atobe and Mizuki. Five, if you count Y-- .... The boy who was there with me...
Fuji: ... What? What did you just say? *now stares at him*
Aka: *glances at him for a moment before shaking his head* Don't worry... Yuuta-kun is okay.
Fuji: ... Tell me. What about Yuuta? *edges closer*
Aka: Yuuta-kun was safe. He was always safe. Kaneda, too. *sighs softly and glanced away* I made sure of it....
Fuji: ... Akazawa... *tears in his eyes now*
Aka: I wasn't going to let anything happen to him... Even if it made my nightmare worse.
Fuji: *heaves himself up from the water and walks away a few steps, before falling down on his knees* I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
Aka: *pulls himself out of the water and kneels down beside him, pulling him against his chest and closing his eyes*
Fuji: *clings to him and cries* I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
Aka: *swallows, rubbing his back slowly* Fuji... It's okay. You don't need to apologize... It was my choice.
Fuji: *isn't really able to answer, but clings harder to him*
Aka: *rocks him back and forth, murmuring a soft prayer*
Fuji: *eventually calms down, and gives a humorless chuckle* ... It should be you crying here, not me...
Aka: *doesn't let go of him, shaking his head* I don't cry over this... not when I've got someone who needs comforting.
Fuji: ... Thought I was past crying... *apparently not, as the tears starts to fall again, maybe it's because he cries for Akazawa this time*
Aka: *rests his head against Fuji's, still rocking him* There's nothing wrong with crying. *murmuring softly*
Fuji: I... I guess. *takes a few deep breaths to calm himself down* ... I won't tell anyone, I promise.
Aka: ... *nods slowly, rubbing his back slowly* I know you won't... *manages a weak smile* I won't tell anyone either...
Fuji: ... Thank you.
Aka: *slowly loosens his hold* Are you okay?
Fuji: *nods slowly* ... I'll have a panic attack or two later, I'm sure, but... Right now I'm mostly cold. *wet and evening getting close, and hey, September. Cold.*
Aka: *slowly stands, helping Fuji to his feet* Come on. I'll take you back to the dorms. And if you do have a panic attack later, you can call me okay? Well... 'less your boyfriend'll be okay helping you. *feels bad for bringing Yuuta into everything*
Fuji: ... I don't want to break down in front of Kippei if I can help it. *starts to look around for his clothes* ... Thank you. I will. But Akazawa... If you suffer from insomnia, and want to talk... You can call me, okay?
Aka: I'll.... try remember. I've never been good at asking for help. Especially not for this... *sighs softly* I'm not sleeping tonight. I can already feel it.
Fuji: Then I'll call you. First night service~ Akazawa... You don't have to struggle with this on your own, nee?
Aka: *smiles wryly* I never have. Yoshiaki-kun... He was why I made that oath in first place. He was scared and I promised to look after him. We struggled through it together…
Fuji: ... How is he now?
Aka: He's.... coping. It's harder, being so far away. But he's coping better than I am.. His nightmares are mostly finished. Once a month at the most.
Fuji: Have you talked to anyone? I mean... Professional? I'm sure there are ways around talking about it without breaching the Oath of Silence. *getting dressed*
Aka: I can't even mention it in confessional. There is no one I can talk to without breaking oath. Even talking to Yoshiaki-kun breaks oath. Talking to my brother breaks oath. The only way to not break oath ever would've been to take the oath then forget anything ever fucking happened. *having trouble not working himself up*
Fuji: ... Akazawa.
Aka: ... *bites down on his lip and looks away* ...sorry.
Fuji: ... Don't you dare apologize. *cold gaze* Don't you dare feel bad about feeling frustrated, or upset or angry.
Aka: ...*doesn't look at him, breathing slowly to try and calm himself down* I don't like getting angry about this... I'll get angry about everything except for this.
Fuji: ... This is the one thing you're really allowed to get angry about, Aka--- Yoshiro-kun.
Aka: *freezes for a moment then snaps his head up, glaring* Don't ever call me that.
Fuji: *crosses his arms over his chest* Did he?
Aka: Yes.
Fuji: And how does that make you feel? That he's managed to make even your own name into something bad?
Aka: I hate it. I absolutely hate it. It was my parents’ name for me. I hated it every time they said something and I couldn't even tell them why. *starts choking up, looking away* They thought I hated them....
Fuji: And did you ever manage to tell them that you don't?
Aka: *clenches his hands into fists at his side, shaking slightly* It's easier for them to think I hate them for forcing me into a life I didn't want at that school than for them to know the truth.., I don't want them to know how... how pathetic their son is that he offers himself up.
Fuji: Wait. Stop. Pathetic? No, no way. The priest is pathetic. You've been standing up for your friends. And they don't even know. That's bravery, Akazawa. That's heroism. *own voice shakes, but he looks firmly at the taller boy*
Aka: I begged him to have me. *snaps, glaring at Fuji* How is that not pathetic?
Fuji: *takes a deep breath; clearly a difficult subject for him as well* ... I... If you... If you begged him because you wanted him, or thought you wanted him, then there's a name for that. Stockholm syndrome. That means he just fucked with your brain. If you didn't want him, but you said that anyway, to protect Yuuta or Kaneda or anyone... Then I still say it's heroic. And damn sad.
Aka: *growls* Like fuck I wanted that piece of shit. It hurt. Every fucking time, it hurt. I could barely walk the next day... I could never go to tennis the day after...It was hell on earth.
Fuji: I know, I know. And see? ... You're not pathetic. You're fucking strong. You're dynamic, you're caring, you're handsome and devoted to your beliefs, even after what that son of a bitch did.
Aka: *stays silent for a moment, bowing his head and letting his hair fall down around his face* *breathes slowly to calm himself down* ... Thank you... Fuji..
Fuji: Want to go back now? *smiles weakly*
Aka: *nods once before lifting his head and giving a smile, nodding again* Let's go.
What: A trip to the onsen to try and relax ends up going in a direction neither expected.
When: Today, late afternoon/early evening
Where: The onsen
Warnings: Mentions of rape and suicide. Fuji learns some things about Akazawa that he never expected to share.
Notes: Both are.... surprisingly calm considering. I'm just putting it down to the fact that they can sympathize one another.
Fuji: *is at the onsen, slowly stepping into the water, a towel tightly wrapped around his waist*
Aka: *decided to see if a trip to the onsen will help him sleep better, towel only loosely around his waist* Ah! Fuji? *wasn't expecting anyone else to here*
Fuji: Akazawa, huh? Hello~ *smiles sweetly*
Aka: Hey. Didn't expect to see you here. *steps into the water slowly*
Fuji: *makes himself comfortable, making sure to keep at least a small distance to the large boy* This is nice, isn't it? Relaxing... And oh, I come here quite often actually. It helps me wind down. And you?
Aka: *settles down, leaning back against the edge of the onsen with his elbows propped up on it* I haven't been sleeping well lately, so I thought I might a try coming here. Might help me sleep.
Fuji: Well, don't stay in so long that you fall asleep here~ I don't think I could pull you up.
Aka: *chuckles softly* I doubt that'll happen. But I'll make sure I don't so you won't have to/
Fuji: Why, thank you. *chuckles as well* So... Why can't you sleep?
Aka: .. *leans his head back and closes his eyes* Nightmares.
Fuji: ... Oh. *doesn't want to pry*
Aka: *shrugs* It's not that big an issue. *Yeah, it is* Just... annoying that I can't sleep.
Fuji: ... That kind of makes it a big issue, don't you think? That you can't sleep, I mean. *pauses for a moment* ... I loathe nightmares myself.
Aka: I think everyone has an issue with them. *slightly forced chuckle* Recurring are the worst though...
Fuji: There's usually a reason for recurring ones...
Aka: .... *doesn't say anything for a moment before lifting his head* I see things are good between you and Mizuki.
Fuji: ... *moves his hand through the water, lazily* Strangely enough, yes. He told you? Or did you check up on our journals?
Aka: Passing curiousity on the journals when I couldn't sleep. I have to admit... I am surprised.
Fuji: Well, so am I. *chuckles* It's... trippy.
Aka: Trippy? *cocks an eyebrow* You're making Mizuki sound like a drug.
Fuji: ... Or maybe I am the drug, considered that? *smiles innocently*
Aka: ... I'd be more inclined to believe he was the drug.
Fuji: Now, that's insulting. *pout*
Aka: Drugs are bad for you~
Fuji: ... Oh. Well, I guess they are... *has the decency to blush*
Aka: *chuckles softly and leans his head back* Especially addictive..
Fuji: Aa. *is at least happy he's been clean for over a year*
Aka: *sighs contendly, dropping his arms into the water* This is relaxing...
Fuji: It sure is. *yay, subject change! ... Still thinking about the nightmares though*
Aka: *grins slightly* Might be harder to stay awake in here than I thought it would.
Fuji: *eyebrow quirk* That's a frightening notion...
Aka: Frightening?
Fuji: Yes. *smiles* If you did fall asleep, we're back to me trying to keep you above water~
Aka: *considers that for a moment before giving a soft chuckle* I'll try to keep awake.
Fuji: Thank you~ *giggles* ... Okay, joking aside, I'm gonna be intrusive and horrible now. What do you dream about? The nightmares, I mean...
Aka: *blinks before sighing and leaning his head back* Just.... stuff.
Fuji: ... Might help if you talk about it...
Aka: ... It used to help. Now it just makes things worse.
Fuji: *frowns and looks away* That bad... I'm sorry.
Aka: *shrugs* It's just become an annoying occurrence now...
Fuji: ... I don't believe you.
Aka: ... What's not to believe?
Fuji: If it's just a simple annoyance, you wouldn't lose sleep over it. You'd go to the nurse's office and get something to sleep on. And you wouldn't be bothered by the nightmares during the day either. *sigh* Have you done a confession?
Aka: Haven't been to confessional since before summer break. I've... been meaning to go.
Fuji: Is there a proper church in town?
Aka: *nods slowly* I go there on Sundays for the service.
Fuji: Really? I'd... I'd like to go some time. To the confessional. And the service. I haven't been to the Communion for... Well. A long time.
Aka: *lifts his head and smiles* You're welcome to join me.
Fuji: Really? Thank you so much~! *smiles*
Aka: *chuckles softly* You don't need my permission.
Fuji: But it's different if we go as just two people attending the same sermon, or if we go as two friends, nee?
Aka: That is true~ And it's always nicer to go to church with friends. We'll drag Mizuki along as well.
Fuji: Sounds lovely~
Aka: *nods, leaning his head back again and breathing out slowly* This place is great...
Fuji: *dives underwater for a moment before resurfacing, nodding* It sure is~
Aka: You planning to do anything with tennis after highschool?
Fuji: I'm not really sure... I don't think I am. I've lost the motivation. And... I don't know. Just trying to find my path right now, I think.
Aka: *nods slowly* Yeah... I know that feeling...
Fuji: ... You don't know what to do either?
Aka: *shakes his head slowly* I used to want to be a priest but.... *shakes his head slowly*
Fuji: *tone careful* What changed?
Aka: ... *keeps his head back and his eyes closed, not saying anything*
Fuji: ... *picks up a water basin from the edge of the onsen and pours some cold water over his head*
Aka: ... *cracks an eye open and lifts his head slightly, watching Fuji* ... Your arms...
Fuji: *blinks* ... What about them?
Aka: *furrows his brow in thought, shifting closer* Are they... They are…
Fuji: *steadies himself to keep from pulling back too much - then glance down at his arms. Criss-cross pattern over the wrists on both arms, on the left the pattern continues up along the arm as well* ...
Aka: *stares at them for a moment before looking up slowly* Those aren't from a cat...
Fuji: No, they're not. *smiles plastically at him*
Aka: .... Why?
Fuji: Same reason I did drugs for a while, I suppose.
Aka: ..... I see.... *leans against the edge of the onsen* You wanna talk about it...? *doesn't like to pry but still can't beat curiousity*
Fuji: ... You know what, I'm not even going to ask you to open your heart in return. *smile* Well... Psychological issues, clearly. I... started cutting, just a little, around the time Yuuta moved to St. Rudolph the first time.
Aka: *nods slowly* And.... things happened to make you.... do it more?
Fuji: *nod*
Aka: I've... never understood why people do that... *glances at him, lowering his voice* Does it... help?
Fuji: Not really... It feels like it does, but then guilt sets in, at least for me, and then it gets even worse. I've stopped now, you know. It's been a while, at least.
Aka: *nods slowly, looking back at the scars* So... things aren't so bad now?
Fuji: They're getting better. I'm in a relationship, I'm trying to work out a couple of issues, I'm seeing a psychiatrist... It's better.
Aka: *smiles* I hear relationships help heal the worst of psychological problems. *smile falters slightly* Never had experience with it myself *barely stops himself from adding the 'and probably wont'*
Fuji: ... Oh? You're quite handsome, Akazawa. I'm surprised you've never dated.
Aka: *smiles at the compliment* I'm not surprised. I.... just haven't found to right person. I thought I might've but... things change.
Fuji: ... That they do. I'm surprised at myself, you know... I've done a lot of stupid things; cutting, drugs, drinking... whoring. I'm in a safe, stable relationship now. It doesn't feel like I deserve it, somehow.
Aka: ...Even when we feel we don't deserve it, God finds something to treat us with. Maybe it's an incentive... but you get it then work to pay it off.
)Fuji: I think you're right... So. Mind telling me about the nightmares now? Or would you really rather not share?
Aka: .... *thinks for a moment before slowly shaking his head* I'm sorry, but... I can't.
Fuji: ... Very well. *is silent for a while* Have you ever toyed with the thought of suicide?
Aka: *smiles wryly* Would it surprise you if I said yes?
Fuji: ... I'd say it would go against your religious beliefs, but I'm not really one to pass judgement, so... No. *looks at him seriously*
Aka: *looks back, just as seriously* I've toyed with the thought. I've toyed with the act.
Fuji: *nods slowly* ... How?
Aka: Drug overdose.
Fuji: ... Oh. *frowns* What... What saved you?
Aka: ... My brother. He's saved me more than once.
Fuji: Are you grateful? ... Or angry? *doesn't look straight at him*
Aka: I was angry at the time... Because I hated him for it... I didn't want to be saved. I just wanted to die and to end the nightmare…
Fuji: .... *nods* I... Can understand that. I mean, I don't know your circumstances, but... I can understand. Been there too.
Aka: It's not a pretty place to be... I go back there occasionally when it gets really bad. So I'm not allowed medication unless I've got someone keeping it for me.
Fuji: Yeah... First time I tried to... Well, you know. I was eight. Messed up pretty bad, of course, because I had no idea what so ever what I was doing.
Aka: I was thirteen the first time. Just turned thirteen. And I knew exactly what I was doing. *sighs softly* I still remember what I was thinking. It felt like hell was on earth... so I wanted to try and join God.
Fuji: ... *speechless*
Aka: *smiles wryly* Didn't see that coming, huh?
Fuji: ... Not really, no.
Aka: ... No one ever does. Well, that's not saying a lot. No one else really knows anything except my brother.
Fuji: I'm sure you've been waiting for this, but... Why? What's so hellish that it drives a thirteen year old to something like that?
Aka: .....*sighs* I relive that nightmare too much to even consider wanting to talk about it...
Fuji: I'm sorry. *sighs* I won't ask anymore.
Aka: *smiles weakly, looking away* Thank you....
Fuji: *smiles back* Of course. ... You're free to ask me more if you want, however. My shrink says I should try and talk when I can. *chuckles*
Aka: *glances back at him, gaining a little more of his cousin* I'll listen if you want to talk.
Fuji: Yeah, I guess. I... Right now I'm really worried about Echizen, for starters. Have you heard that he has been hospitalized?
Aka: *nods slowly* I'd heard.... Anyone know why?
Fuji: I'm fairly sure Northlake-sensei and Dan-kun knows. And, well... My gut feeling says it wasn't an accident. But I don't know...
Aka: *smiles weakly* Well... if his brother and his boyfriend are on it, he should be okay...
Fuji: I hope so. Apparently he won't be able to play tennis for a while though. I bet that's hard on him.
Aka: ... Tennis is his life, isn't it?
Fuji: From what I can tell, yes.
Aka: I guess... you take a risk when your body becomes a key to your passion.
Fuji: You do. But I think it's the same if your mind is a key... If your mind is brittle.
Aka: ... That, too...
Fuji: Sorry, I'm only saying weird things here... *bashful chuckle*
Aka: *laughs softly, shaking his head* It's fine. It's not that weird.
Fuji: *blush* ... Well, then.
Aka: *chuckles* What are you getting so embarrassed for?
Fuji: ... I... Heh. I don't... know, exactly.
Aka: *chuckles again* Well... Minds always tend to be brittle, you know? They start brittle then… if you persevere, you'll be able to fix it stronger when it breaks. Just like you train your body to be stronger.
Fuji: *nods and smiles, the blush fading* Yes, that's right. I think I am stronger now than I was before. *touches the scars on his arm* Still though... I'm more lonely now than I was in Junior High. Still, I'm happier. Sort of. It's strange.
Aka: It's hard to get a balance, isn't it? Especially with a past like that.... *sighs and rests his hand on the surface of the water* Sometimes I wonder if things really are better now...
Fuji: *pulls up his knees to his chest, hugging them* When you start thinking like that, you're bound to start doubting where you are right now. It's quite dangerous. *thinks* Can I afford it...?
Aka: *bites down on his lip, slowly clenching his hand into a fist* At least death is certain.... Death leaves no room for doubt or second thoughts or worrying what anyone else thinks about how you reacted to a bad situation because you were too scared to speak up and say anything when it needed to be said. *glaring at his fist, knuckles clenched white*
Fuji: So that's what's eating you... *glances over at him and then nods* And death's peace. It's not worrying that you can't trust anyone, because they'll only end up hurting you in the long run. Death's not being in constant pain and fearing you'll say anything wrong which will end up in more pain. Death's just... rest, you know?
Aka: *breathes deep, forcing fist to unfurl* Death is freedom...
Fuji: We shouldn't be talking about this, we really shouldn't be talking about this... *hugs himself tighter* ... Release.
Aka: *breathes out shakily* A guarantee that I'll never have to see that bastards face ever again, except when I look down to watch him rot in hell.
Fuji: *wants to ask - what bastard, but says nothing as Akazawa is finally talking, only make a small, affirmative sound*
Aka: *lifts his hand out of the water, pulling his hair back and over one shoulder, plaiting it, mumbling a soft prayer under his breath in Latin*
Fuji: *sits silent, merely listening to him, trying to keep the memories that fester somewhere in his mind in check*
Aka: *falls silent eventually and drops his hands back into the water, staring at them* I was raped by the head priest of SeiRu. *tone distant, not having really intended to say anything*
Fuji: .... *stares at him for a moment, then looks away, hugging himself even tighter* ... When you were thirteen?
Aka: *nods slowly* .... It was my birthday present *grits his teeth*
Fuji: ... That's... *presses his lips together, staring out over the water*
Aka: *bows his head, hair falling from the plait and around his face, mumbling* I'm not going to sleep tonight...
Fuji: I'm so sorry. *still unable to look at him* *long stretch of silence, then* I was six.
Aka: *doesn't lift his head* Someone you knew?
Fuji: A neighbor.
Aka: *nods slowly, not saying anything*
Fuji: He continued. For four years... Then he killed himself. No one knows why, only I do. I... threatened to turn him in. He couldn't deal. So... If I hadn't said that, he'd still be alive.
Aka: You should've turned him in anyway.... *hypocrite*
Fuji: Have you? *quickly glances over at him before looking away again*
Aka: .... Oath of Silence.
Fuji: Ah. ... Of course. *thinks* If that creep has laid his hands on Yuuta, I'll kill him. *traces a hand through the water* When I was thirteen, I entered a relationship with a complete ass hole. He was a lot older, but I felt that... That was what I deserved, you know? No matter how he treated me. I couldn't ask for more, anyone better. Just couldn't. I broke up with him eventually... But he returned, last year. Raped me. Him I did turn in... Didn't have much of a choice. Ended up in the hospital due to knife wounds... Bloodloss. And the evidence was there. He got convicted early in July.
Aka: Failing with it though... I've broken it four times. *sighs and glances at him* No one deserves someone like that.... *stares back down into the water at his reflection* Relationships are supposed to be there to make you feel safe and loved and wanted and not try and destroy you....
Fuji: I think it was just another way for me to punish myself. *silent* ... Me. Your brother, I'm guessing... And...?
Aka: Atobe and Mizuki. Five, if you count Y-- .... The boy who was there with me...
Fuji: ... What? What did you just say? *now stares at him*
Aka: *glances at him for a moment before shaking his head* Don't worry... Yuuta-kun is okay.
Fuji: ... Tell me. What about Yuuta? *edges closer*
Aka: Yuuta-kun was safe. He was always safe. Kaneda, too. *sighs softly and glanced away* I made sure of it....
Fuji: ... Akazawa... *tears in his eyes now*
Aka: I wasn't going to let anything happen to him... Even if it made my nightmare worse.
Fuji: *heaves himself up from the water and walks away a few steps, before falling down on his knees* I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
Aka: *pulls himself out of the water and kneels down beside him, pulling him against his chest and closing his eyes*
Fuji: *clings to him and cries* I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
Aka: *swallows, rubbing his back slowly* Fuji... It's okay. You don't need to apologize... It was my choice.
Fuji: *isn't really able to answer, but clings harder to him*
Aka: *rocks him back and forth, murmuring a soft prayer*
Fuji: *eventually calms down, and gives a humorless chuckle* ... It should be you crying here, not me...
Aka: *doesn't let go of him, shaking his head* I don't cry over this... not when I've got someone who needs comforting.
Fuji: ... Thought I was past crying... *apparently not, as the tears starts to fall again, maybe it's because he cries for Akazawa this time*
Aka: *rests his head against Fuji's, still rocking him* There's nothing wrong with crying. *murmuring softly*
Fuji: I... I guess. *takes a few deep breaths to calm himself down* ... I won't tell anyone, I promise.
Aka: ... *nods slowly, rubbing his back slowly* I know you won't... *manages a weak smile* I won't tell anyone either...
Fuji: ... Thank you.
Aka: *slowly loosens his hold* Are you okay?
Fuji: *nods slowly* ... I'll have a panic attack or two later, I'm sure, but... Right now I'm mostly cold. *wet and evening getting close, and hey, September. Cold.*
Aka: *slowly stands, helping Fuji to his feet* Come on. I'll take you back to the dorms. And if you do have a panic attack later, you can call me okay? Well... 'less your boyfriend'll be okay helping you. *feels bad for bringing Yuuta into everything*
Fuji: ... I don't want to break down in front of Kippei if I can help it. *starts to look around for his clothes* ... Thank you. I will. But Akazawa... If you suffer from insomnia, and want to talk... You can call me, okay?
Aka: I'll.... try remember. I've never been good at asking for help. Especially not for this... *sighs softly* I'm not sleeping tonight. I can already feel it.
Fuji: Then I'll call you. First night service~ Akazawa... You don't have to struggle with this on your own, nee?
Aka: *smiles wryly* I never have. Yoshiaki-kun... He was why I made that oath in first place. He was scared and I promised to look after him. We struggled through it together…
Fuji: ... How is he now?
Aka: He's.... coping. It's harder, being so far away. But he's coping better than I am.. His nightmares are mostly finished. Once a month at the most.
Fuji: Have you talked to anyone? I mean... Professional? I'm sure there are ways around talking about it without breaching the Oath of Silence. *getting dressed*
Aka: I can't even mention it in confessional. There is no one I can talk to without breaking oath. Even talking to Yoshiaki-kun breaks oath. Talking to my brother breaks oath. The only way to not break oath ever would've been to take the oath then forget anything ever fucking happened. *having trouble not working himself up*
Fuji: ... Akazawa.
Aka: ... *bites down on his lip and looks away* ...sorry.
Fuji: ... Don't you dare apologize. *cold gaze* Don't you dare feel bad about feeling frustrated, or upset or angry.
Aka: ...*doesn't look at him, breathing slowly to try and calm himself down* I don't like getting angry about this... I'll get angry about everything except for this.
Fuji: ... This is the one thing you're really allowed to get angry about, Aka--- Yoshiro-kun.
Aka: *freezes for a moment then snaps his head up, glaring* Don't ever call me that.
Fuji: *crosses his arms over his chest* Did he?
Aka: Yes.
Fuji: And how does that make you feel? That he's managed to make even your own name into something bad?
Aka: I hate it. I absolutely hate it. It was my parents’ name for me. I hated it every time they said something and I couldn't even tell them why. *starts choking up, looking away* They thought I hated them....
Fuji: And did you ever manage to tell them that you don't?
Aka: *clenches his hands into fists at his side, shaking slightly* It's easier for them to think I hate them for forcing me into a life I didn't want at that school than for them to know the truth.., I don't want them to know how... how pathetic their son is that he offers himself up.
Fuji: Wait. Stop. Pathetic? No, no way. The priest is pathetic. You've been standing up for your friends. And they don't even know. That's bravery, Akazawa. That's heroism. *own voice shakes, but he looks firmly at the taller boy*
Aka: I begged him to have me. *snaps, glaring at Fuji* How is that not pathetic?
Fuji: *takes a deep breath; clearly a difficult subject for him as well* ... I... If you... If you begged him because you wanted him, or thought you wanted him, then there's a name for that. Stockholm syndrome. That means he just fucked with your brain. If you didn't want him, but you said that anyway, to protect Yuuta or Kaneda or anyone... Then I still say it's heroic. And damn sad.
Aka: *growls* Like fuck I wanted that piece of shit. It hurt. Every fucking time, it hurt. I could barely walk the next day... I could never go to tennis the day after...It was hell on earth.
Fuji: I know, I know. And see? ... You're not pathetic. You're fucking strong. You're dynamic, you're caring, you're handsome and devoted to your beliefs, even after what that son of a bitch did.
Aka: *stays silent for a moment, bowing his head and letting his hair fall down around his face* *breathes slowly to calm himself down* ... Thank you... Fuji..
Fuji: Want to go back now? *smiles weakly*
Aka: *nods once before lifting his head and giving a smile, nodding again* Let's go.